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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should be doing more about this?

278 replies

TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 17:39

DH and I have three, soon to be four, children who are 13, 5, and 2. He has one sibling who has no children. It was recently mentioned that his parents have set up a fund to provide for their grandchildren’s (potential) university education.

DH’s sister has objected and says she should get half of the fund because only we have children. DH and PIL just seem to be accepting this and it looks like half of the fund is indeed now going to go to her. AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous?

Not sure it’s relevant, but she and her husband decided not to have children and their income is actually significantly higher than ours, so it’s not like they actually need the money. And even if they did I’d be a little cross about the principle!

I’m just worried my view is skewed because it’s my DC missing out. Hence posting here. Perfectly happy to be told IABU.

OP posts:
AhhhhThatsBass · 04/01/2018 18:10

I think you're being completely rational even if technically you're being unreasonbly iyswim.

For example, we have 1 DC, my SIL and BIL have 3.
Hypothetical situation, if PIL were to leave everything to DGC, as the mother of 1 DC I'd expect everything to be split 50/50 between the two families whereas my SIL think's it should be 25/75 in their favour as we only have 1 DC and they have 3. Again I think I'm being rational whereas technically I am probably being unreasonable. If I had the 3 kids and my SIL only had the one, I'd probably think as she does.
(Caveat: people can leave their money to whom they please, it's their choice)

So yes, I totally see your point of view and agree with you. And fair play to you for not caring that your SIL is getting most of the inheritance, that would annoy me no end, (while again recognising that people can leave their money to whom they choose). I personally think inheritance should be split equally between children. It causes no end of arguments if it isn't, from my own experience.

MonumentalAlabaster · 04/01/2018 18:24

As they are not your parents but your parents-in-law you must really stay out of it - it is up to your DH to discuss it with them or not as he sees fit.

dementedmummy · 04/01/2018 18:25

I'm going to jump straight to the chase here. Is there a trust deed which goes along with the fund? If so that will dictate who can and cannot receive the funds. If the trustees deviate from that and pay someone who is not a beneficiary they can be sued for breach of trust. If its set up for grandchildrens education I would be surprised if sis in law is a beneficiary while there are grandchildren alive.

If it is simply an account say which your FIL has been paying into which is not in trust, he can pay it to whomever he likes. The way to resolve any perceived imbalance would be to leave a legacy equal to the fund to your dear (or not so dear) sister in law in FILs Will. Could even index link it to be super fair!

Good luck - might be worth asking your FIL to appoint a professional executor as I can foresee the estate becoming a bed of thorns for both your dh and sis in law.

wagil · 04/01/2018 18:25

The SIL is getting a larger inheritance, which she feels is fair.

This is not about any future inheritance.

LilQueenie · 04/01/2018 18:28

no the sil is clearly in the wrong. The money is for university fees for grandchildren. She doesnt have kids so no uni fees needed. am I the only one that thinks an adult jumping into take money meant only for the children is greedy and immature.

wagil · 04/01/2018 18:28

Not sure why posters keep talking about this rather small amount of money as though it's an inheritance. It isn't.

Thissameearth · 04/01/2018 18:31

Not ridiculous - you can plan succession: per capita (per head) or per stirpes (per branch). The latter is what is suggested here and is very normal. It gives the parent's children an equal sum and then you/your husband can spend your portion how you see fit including giving it to your children. It makes sense to me. And whatever they choose to do is obv entirely up to them anyway. Some people (most?) have no inheritance prospects or expectations

DrJo1 · 04/01/2018 18:31

Complaining about inequality of spending by Grandparents on your nieces and nephews when you have chosen not to have children is in my opinion, petty and trivial. When you began this post I thought we were discussing splitting an inheritance of thousands of pounds at the end of your in-laws lives. To demand half of £3500 that is supposed to be supporting educational endeavours and objecting to Grandparents buying their own Grandchildren Christmas presents while they can and should be choosing what to do with their money is obscene. You are not being unreasonable!

Mumof56 · 04/01/2018 18:31

She doesnt have kids so no uni fees needed

And OP has no children at uni so no uni fees there either

BashStreetKid · 04/01/2018 18:35

She has for example put postits on PILs expensive items just to make sure they go to her. I wouldn’t be bothered if she had them but I don’t think she should be labelling them before they’ve even died!

Wow. In your shoes I wouldn't be able to resist going round taking them off, or substituting your own labels - probably saying something like "Local Cats Rescue Centre".

Mumof56 · 04/01/2018 18:37

Wow. In your shoes I wouldn't be able to resist going round taking them off, or substituting your own labels - probably saying something like "Local Cats Rescue Centre

You'd start earmarking your in-laws possessions for the local cats rescue?

You in-laws who are still alive and who own the stuff.

wow indeed

wagil · 04/01/2018 18:37

The OP does have a child at uni, but would not have been included in the fund because she's not the DH's child. That's shit as well.

Piggywaspushed · 04/01/2018 18:37

Does your SIL not like your children or something?

She sounds a bit like my DSis. When she was a teenager.

It does sound like your family revolves around convoluted money arrangements and bequeathing though. I think it's odd that the inheritance isn't divided equally in the first place.

My DH had many fall outs with his DF. DBIL was out of most of this by virtue of being abroad and so was favoured and given lots of handouts. The will was still completely evenly divided though when FIL died. As was money to the GCs and even some to his nephews and his won DBro.

Your SIL needs to grow up.

SottoVoc3 · 04/01/2018 18:38

PILs are perfectly entitled to change their mind about the education fund. ( pretty far- sighted of them 20 years ago to anticipate 9k p.a in fees etc!!!). Twenty years ago, they probably assumed your SIL would have children. She hasn’t, so the situation they foresaw has changed... so they can change their plans too. It’s not a law that the money has to go on GCs university expenses- it was just their idea at the time. Be grateful for what you will be given. Most of us get nowt....

BashStreetKid · 04/01/2018 18:43

Don't be silly, Mumof56. Do I really have to spell out that that was a joky response to the SIL's actions?

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 04/01/2018 18:46

Your SIL is a money grabbing cow. Firstly because if her parents want to give money to their grandchildren for their education it is none of her fucking business - they can do what they like with their money. Secondly in the matter of the whole of her parents' estate going to just her because she pops over once a week - big bloody deal. I did a lot more than for my mother in her last few years and was her carer for the last year of her life & was glad to do it. I also sorted out the estate & probate after she died & no way would I have expected to inherit at the expense of my brother just because he lived several hours away. Jesus, some people are so entitled. Your PIL should have come down hard on your money-grabbing, greedy, jealous SIL years ago.

BewareOfDragons · 04/01/2018 18:47

Your DH's sister is a prat. Really. She is.

Surely she should be delighted that her nephews/nieces will not have to go into serious debt to get an education.

Jaxhog · 04/01/2018 18:47

She has for example put postits on PILs expensive items just to make sure they go to her
That is truly gross! But having seen the bunfest when someone dies, I kind of see why.

She may also be jealous of you having made GCs. If she can't have children it may make her feel doubly punished when PiLs funds are by-passing her altogether.

GrumbleBumble · 04/01/2018 18:49

If one of your children choose not to go to uni but wants to use their share of the money to buy a car so they can get to work will you say no its education money? As it is going into their accounts now presumably they will actually be able to spend it as they like so it's not education money.

Your SIL is a knob by the way!

Piggywaspushed · 04/01/2018 18:52

I actually wonder whether she does more for her parents BECAUSE they promised her more inheritance. I'd like to think it is altruistic but with someone who makes you pay back money for a missed fitness class, I have to wonder...

jayne1976 · 04/01/2018 18:53

An education fund set for their grandchildren, with no way of knowing that she wasn’t going to have any - her choice - it was not a fund for you DH or SIL so she has no claim over it, need to make this clear amongst a lot of other things - I.e we will be allocating items (of expense) in our will, nobody gets to lay claim over them before or after we are gone!!
You are not being grabby - she is!

ReanimatedSGB · 04/01/2018 18:59

YANBU. Your SIL is either hanging on to bitterness and resentment from childhood, where she got the idea that your H was the favoured child; she is bitter because she has no DC (she may not have been able to have them but not wanted to make this public knowledge - or her H may have been the one refusing to have DC and she felt obliged to go along with his wishes) - or she is hugely self-obsessed and greedy.
The stuff about her insisting your DC don't get Christmas presents, the constant kicking up fusses over things like missing her salsa class, and the whining of SNOT FAAAAAIIIIRRR every time anyone else gets anything in the way of time, money or attention suggest someone who could do with either some intensive therapy or a good kick up the twinkle but, as PP have said, there's not a lot you can do about it and it's probably best to let it go.

marymoosmum · 04/01/2018 19:02

YANBU it was money set aside for grandchildren. It is going to the grandchildren not you or your husband, so why should she get any. She will still get her inheritance, she is just being a greedy money grabbing cow and labelling their stuff before they have even died is disgusting, if I was your PIL I would state in my will that those things went elsewhere.

RadioGaGoo · 04/01/2018 19:06

SIL has started to earmark her still alive parents stuff, so yes, wow indeed.

Leanin15yearsmaybe · 04/01/2018 19:07

IMO YANBU. My parents funded my DB through university to tune of approx 40k what with fees and accommodation. I decided not to do a degree straight after a levels and have since put myself through university twice. Didn’t occur to me to ever say to DP’s that they should fund me or give me the equivalent ‘just because’ it was given to my brother!its not a sibling competition, it is their money to with as they wish. Same in your situation. If you had 10 children that they wanted to fund, it’s their decision! not yours (so you should not be blamed) and DEFINITELY not you SIL’s