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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should be doing more about this?

278 replies

TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 17:39

DH and I have three, soon to be four, children who are 13, 5, and 2. He has one sibling who has no children. It was recently mentioned that his parents have set up a fund to provide for their grandchildren’s (potential) university education.

DH’s sister has objected and says she should get half of the fund because only we have children. DH and PIL just seem to be accepting this and it looks like half of the fund is indeed now going to go to her. AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous?

Not sure it’s relevant, but she and her husband decided not to have children and their income is actually significantly higher than ours, so it’s not like they actually need the money. And even if they did I’d be a little cross about the principle!

I’m just worried my view is skewed because it’s my DC missing out. Hence posting here. Perfectly happy to be told IABU.

OP posts:
Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/01/2018 23:43

Mumof56 The fact of the matter is SIL doesn’t want PILs to give gifts or money directly to their GC unless she receives the exact same. Do you think this is reasonable? Then you can leave having given your clear answer and I can take it on board and do/say exactly nothing as I was going to do anyway

I accepted I’m being a little U back on page 1 so i’m not sure why you’ve harped on about the £2000 that I’ve A) tried to give back because I felt it was too much B) been very thankful for and C) given DH total autonomy over because I want nothing to do with it as they’re not my parents.

OP posts:
DeleteOrDecay · 03/01/2018 23:51

Tabby just ignore mumof55, she does this on almost every thread, she's a known GF. Best ignored.

Plainlycrackers · 03/01/2018 23:53

Preventing your parents giving their young grandchildren presents... physical gifts not cash... is plain weird! To deprive your mum (&/or dad) the pleasure of giving her small grandkids a wrapped present which she has got for them and watching them open those parcels is just nasty... though I do think it is unfortunate they have not stood up to her or at least compromised by them buying her a bigger present than her brother 🙄. And why are you not allowed a gift? Presumably the BIL doesn’t get a present either? She’s off her ruddy rocker!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/01/2018 00:01

If i rang up my mum and had cross words becUse she got my nephew a skateboard and didn’t get me one, I would feel like a prize cunt

HappyAndRelaxed · 04/01/2018 00:05

Your ILS should will ALL their money to the local homeless shelter or animal home. You all sound greedy, grabby and selfish.

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 04/01/2018 00:17

HappyandRelaxed As this money is unrelated to the will in which we will (happily) get very little anyway, that is irrelevant. But I would be delighted if they did this and this is actually what I intend to at least partially do when I die. It’s also what I do for Christmas and birthdays (instead of receiving gifts from family and close friends I ask for oxfam gift aids/donations to the charities I volunteer for). So I dont think I will ever consider greed one of my flaws Smile

Needs and Plainly I totally agree. Every time something like this happens I try to imagine me or one of my siblings feeling the same way and I just can’t... she’s just got a bee in her bonnet about it all.

And Delete, I know, she’s just so frustrating Angry

OP posts:
Mumof56 · 04/01/2018 00:20

So I dont think I will ever consider greed one of my flaws

And yet less than 2 weeks after your in-laws gave your family 2000, you're on the internet quibbling about them not giving your family more money Hmm

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 04/01/2018 00:30

Ah Mumof56 I notice you avoided my direct question so you could keep being toast.

And yet less than 2 weeks after your in-laws gave your family 2000, you're on the internet quibbling about them not giving your family more money

Is a deliberate misinterpretation of this situation. I’m quibbling about SIL openly demandig 50% of funds saved for her nieces’ future education. My PIL are amazing for giving them anything. My SIL is not for determinedly trying to stop that from happening. If the money was initially half (£450 per child), or even just £10 per child, I would still be grateful. And I would still be angry at SIL for taking half of whatever was initially offered in the name of “equality”, whether that was a fiver or five million quid. It’s the principle.

I never once implied my PIL were unreasonable, or complained about the amounts they were giving. I have at no point been ungrateful for their contribution to our lives.

They are generous. I am grateful and let them know.

OP posts:
Original poster
TabbyTigger · 04/01/2018 00:31

Goady, not toast. But toast makes you sound suitably ridiculous so I guess it doesn’t matter.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/01/2018 01:17

Op.

Has anybody ever actually said anything to her Ali g the lines of “fuck me x are you five? Why are you placing yourself in a greedy competition with some small kids”

HuskyMcClusky · 04/01/2018 01:45

I think YABU. Firstly not your money. Secondly not your parents/siblings. Thirdly I think sister's suggestion perfectly reasonable.

This. A million times over.

We have already had massive ructions in my family over a similar issue. Please don’t be this person. It is the PIL’s choice to give ANY money to ANYONE.

SilverBirchTree · 04/01/2018 01:53

If it was created specifically to fund university education for grandchildren, then that’s what it should be for. I think SIL is being grabby and unreasonable.

I’d be annoyed too. But not sure what you can do about it apart from being annoyed at SIL.

EllieThornton · 04/01/2018 02:02

Just out of interest, if one of your children doesn't go to university, does that mean that he/she gets nothing?

RainbowWish · 04/01/2018 02:13

YANBU
(God forbid) but when your Pil sadly pass her and your DH will get half of every asset left.
But this is a find solely for gc to help thier education. If sil was to have a child the total balance would be split equally between each grandchild ie. Your children and hers
Why does pil not just remind her the purpose of the fund and say No?

bimbobaggins · 04/01/2018 05:33

You say in your op your dc are 13, 5 & 2 but one of them is in first year at uni?

Jobjobjob · 04/01/2018 07:11

The money is in a fund that was going to go directly to GC - as in, grandparents were transferring it into mine and DH’s savings accounts for DC. It’s not inheritance!!

IHT would be due if they died within seven years, it's a gift, it's part of your inheritance!

It one of your children did not want to go to uni, the money is in your account. Would you give it back to GP and say little Jimmy didn't want to go to Uni?

As an aside you all sound very controlling, a fund for their uni they only get if they go to uni!

Suppose one of them decided to be a hairdresser, was fantastic and excelled and had a good business head? Could they not have the monies to set up a purchase of premises with the monies?

Honestly, the whole lot of you seem money grabbing and controlling.

They want to control your children, you want to control your children. Your SIL wants to control them!

junebirthdaygirl · 04/01/2018 07:44

I have to say l agree witn Mum56. Stop saying you got no Christmas present and neither did your dc. If any gp here gave this family 2000 at Christmas my dc and l would in no way say we got nothing. Take your eyes off your pils money and go on with your own life. They are choosing to do it that way and eventually ye will benefit but even if ye don't so what! I hope they opt for expensive old age care that eats up every penny as all that talk about their money is totally crass.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 04/01/2018 07:54

Gosh you are all grabby

Don't have 4 kids if you can't afford it (most people can't)

Poor old PILs

RunningOutOfCharge · 04/01/2018 08:08

But op, what do you expect/want your DH to actually do?

RunningOutOfCharge · 04/01/2018 08:08

More about this,how?

RadioGaGoo · 04/01/2018 08:10

Some people are really fixated on the £2000!

There is nothing to suggest that the OP cannot afford her kids. The children's grandparents opened an account and put money in it to put towards their grandchildren education. THEY WANTED TO DO THIS WITH THEIR MONEY. NO ONE FORCED THEM TO OPEN AN ACCOUNT AND DO THIS. THIS IS THEM, DOING WHAT THEY WANT, WITH THEIR MONEY, FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.

On wanting to now gift that money to their Grandchildren, their daughter, the children's aunt, complains that it's unfair that the grandparents are giving their grandchildren money for their education.

The OP is not greedy or money grabbing. It's money for her DC, not her. She's not going to run out and buy a pair of Jimmy Choos with the money. This was grandparents, doing a nice thing for future grandchildren FOR 20 YEARS. Some of you arsenal making it sound like the OP chose to have four children so they could get their hands on this money. The whole account came to light recently.

The SIL is definitely the grabby one in this scenario. She is begrudging her parents putting their small savings of 20 years towards their grandchildren. Money that they had put away with that specific intention. Her grabbiness forced her parent to change that intent.

The OP is within her right to have a whinge.

Bumsnetnetbums · 04/01/2018 08:13

I agree with her.
Your choice to have 4. Of course they get less but is fair to split between her and DH. Otherwise they are penalised by her choice but you are gaining from yours. You should be grateful.

StuffAndNonsenseYes · 04/01/2018 08:16

While it is PIL's money to distribute as they see fit, if there were 4 grandchildren involved (OP's three kids and then one by SIL) I would expect the money to be split equally four ways between the GC, not half to OP's children and half to SIL's child, so this does seem grabby to me.

ZanyMobster · 04/01/2018 08:35

I swear I must live in an alternate universe. In no way are YABU except for perhaps that you accept that SIL should get most of the inheritance. If she was a carer maybe, although what my nan did is give my dad adhoc amounts when she was alive to pay for things/trips etc but when she died the estate was split equally.

My parents put £10 a month in the DGCs trust funds, as far as I know she puts in the same for all 3 (2 of mine plus 1 of my brothers). She doesn't put double in for my nephew.

ZanyMobster · 04/01/2018 08:37

I could understand if they were giving your kids £20k each or something and that was all their savings as SIL would miss out big time but £3k?!