To think DH should be doing more about this?

[TabbyTigger]

DH and I have three, soon to be four, children who are 13, 5, and 2. He has one sibling who has no children. It was recently mentioned that his parents have set up a fund to provide for their grandchildren’s (potential) university education.

DH’s sister has objected and says she should get half of the fund because only we have children. DH and PIL just seem to be accepting this and it looks like half of the fund is indeed now going to go to her. AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous?

Not sure it’s relevant, but she and her husband decided not to have children and their income is actually significantly higher than ours, so it’s not like they actually need the money. And even if they did I’d be a little cross about the principle!

I’m just worried my view is skewed because it’s my DC missing out. Hence posting here. Perfectly happy to be told IABU.

My DM is planning on bequeathing an amount to each of her grandchildren in her will - around £5,000 each.

I have DS, DB has 2xDS & DD, so DB's family is getting 3x as much as mine in grandchild inheritance.

The rest will be split equally between myself & DB.

I think this perfectly reasonable - I earn more than DB & in any case it is DM's money to do with what she likes!

She was concerned it would not be seen as fair, but I pointed out giving my DS £15,000 would most certainly be seen as unfair!

And if there were another sibling with no children, they would just get a one third share of the remainder after the grandchildren had some.

I’m shocked at your SIL, she seriously needs to grow up. If your parents in law have decided to put some money aside for grandchildren that’s up to them. It’s her decision not to have children. They sound like they want to help their grandchildren in the future which is lovely.

The fact she threw her dummy out and won’t allow them to buy Christmas presents is ridiculous. I feel sorry for you op and PIL, if grandparents want to buy a pressie for Xmas they should be able to do as they please. Esp as you were happy to split DH Xmas money for your children’s presents.

SIL needs to act like an adult. She comes across as a spoilt child.

My grandad had 5 grandchildren, 2 on my side 3 on the other. We were all left an equal amount of money. I have one my sister has 2, they are all been given an equal amount of money, my ds does not get double just because he is an only, the money is split equally per person, not per family.
Your sil is being a grabby cow and really your pil, need to say something to her.

What’s the problem? You and your children should be funding your children’s university education, if they want to attend university. It’s not up to your parents or in laws to fund that, so anything that has been put aside for them, is a bonus. Even if it’s £20 so if your SIL is going to put up a fuss, let her take it.

Out of interest, what do you, or your four children, expect to do with the money if they decide not to go to university???

I don’t want to cause bad feeling but I am shocked that sil thinks she is entitled to the bulk of the money because she visits more! My sil is in the US and does no caring for mil but the estate is being split 50:50 between her and my DH; it’s not payment for services rendered. Scots law does not allow you to divide estates unfairly of course as ther is a minimum allocation that needs to be met for family members.

SIL definitely grabby. We had aunts and uncles did this to our gran. Neither me or siblings will discuss future bequests with our DM save to say whatever you think we’ll be grateful for. To make requests just seems to belittle the relationship. We love DM not her assets!
Re the GC fund yes SIL being grabby, yes I understand your disappointment but ain’t nothing you can do so just lump it and don’t let it sour relations with PIL

I've been quite taken aback by all the GP threads on MN recently that seem to suggest GPs aren't willing or meant in some way to help out adult DCs and DGC in whatever way . I am not suggesting it is an automatic right : but I did think most GPS wanted to give money, care, presents, unconditional love etc etc to their DGCs!

But lots on here saying only the direct parents and the children themselves do this.

My deceased FIL left trust funds for all his GC , mainly with the intention of funding their future (which I am guessing he assumed was HE)

DGCs are your future and your legacy?

YABU. Angst over your children missing out on £450 each when your in-laws are amazingly generous to you all as a family in other ways?

Their money, their decision. However if I were you, I would be enormously grateful for what you do have rather than getting irritated about your SIL.

This isn't so tricky for me actually. Your SIL is being grabby. It's not her money. Even when her parents die, she has no right to any of it (I'm talking morally, not legally).

I've made sure my mum knows that when she dies, if I'm still around, she owes me nothing. If she leaves me something, it will be wonderful. If she doesn't, then it was never mine. I haven't earned her money, she has.

I think your SIL sees you and your children as an extension of your DH. So there are three "entities" here - her parents, her brother, and herself. Her parents should split their resources equally between her and her brother, according to her logic. However, she needs to understand that your DH has expanded the family, and your children should be included in their own right, not as extensions of you.

When I was a child, my mum spent her money equally on two people - her two children. When my nephew was born, my mum spent her money equally on three people - her two children, and her grandchild. And now I've had my own child (some 22 years after my nephew was born), she now buys equally for four people. It's simple. I think you get what I mean. Make your SIL see that children are fully-fledged family members, and that she has no right to insist on anything at all from her parents!

To answer your question - yes, your DH should be doing more about this. Good luck

Crickey I don't know how you haven't given your sil a shoe up her bottom by now.
I know you say you and dh do anything to keep the peace but actually you're not, you're fuelling the fire underneath a very greedy demanding woman and allowing her to manipulate the whole family. Feeling hard done by because your dh had money spent on him because he was ill as a child is an example that she's a horrible piece of work. Any parent would spent everything they possibly could to treat their sick child.

Your children aren't just an extension of your dh they are people in their own right and your pil family. Do not allow your sil to undermine this relationship. You think it's keeping the piece but it's actually curtailing the relationship between your kids and their grand parents. You and your dh owe it to your children to be their voice and support their grand parents in buying them gifts or whatever. Every time your sil says "I don't think that's fair" she needs to hear that you aren't in agreement and that you both consider her greed to be intolerable any more and that it's completely your pil choice how they spend their money
I might even start making mentions of it been their choice if they leave it to the local cat/dog shelter (charity close to pil heart) with a tinkly laugh.

What stands out to me and is the saddest part of the whole set up is your other two children. Are they even acknowledged in this whole set up? You've lovingly adopted your 13yr old, their grand daughter. Please don't say that they don't look on your other children as members of their family too?

My partner and I have kids but neither of our siblings does. I'd be really uncomfortable taking money if the sibling wasn't getting the same amount. It just doesn't seem fair to me.

Totally up to your PIL. But if it comes down to fairness, the fairest is that each of THEIR children gets an equal amount. Just because you have chosen to have children and they haven't doesn't mean your family should get more. I can't see how you think it fair any other way. I shall be leaving half my money to each of my two children, regardless of whether they have 0 children or 20 themselves.
It's also irrelevant how much your SIL earns. She is no more or less entitled to any inheritance whatever her salary - which I'm sure she has worked very hard to earn.
But all that aside, it's totally grabby for your DH (and you) to interfere. Let the PIL make their own choices - I'm sure they are old enough!!

Your sister in law sounds like a vile, greedy money orientated bitch.
I have two sisters, we sometimes joke “I’m going to put my name on that” if Mum has bought something that we like, but it’s said completely tongue in cheek, does she not realise that sticky labels on furniture and ornaments isn’t legally binding 😜

YABU. Sorry, but I’d feel exactly the same if I were the sister. It’s her inheritance !!!

PIL are being treated like walking dead. To stop I'll feeling they should take all post it's off items and declare who they should go to in a will. As for the "fund" is PIL have set up a find take it will be a trust fund which will have trustees to manage the money/terms. Unless your SIL is named and meets all the requirements of the trust the.n will be hard for her to access. As to your children stop having so many and you may manage to support their education yourself for goodness sake. They are your responsibility, no one else's so any money they may be awarded is a bonus in their life, not yours.YABU

My partner and I have kids but neither of our siblings does. I'd be really uncomfortable taking money if the sibling wasn't getting the same amount. It just doesn't seem fair to me. But this is about money for GC, it isn't about their children. Speaking as a GP I think most of us are quite able to work out which ones are our children and which ones are our GC and if we want to give our GC some money why shouldn't we?

SIL is a grabby CF. I haven't RTFL but can't believe people have said it's reasonable if SIL. It was set up as a contribution to their granschildren's education. It's separate to any inheritance the children are getting.

BTW, if OP had one child and SIL had two, would people be suggesting OP's child get 50% of the fund and SIL's children got 25% each - because that is exactly the logic being used.

2 siblings then split 2 ways, your kids your problem, why should SIL be penalised because they don't have kids

Everyone saying you're being grabby and how they would be annoyed about getting less in their inheritance- you've all read the OP wrong- she says it was a fund for the grandchildren. No mention of inheritance. Inheritance may well be a separate affair and so OP is right to be annoyed with the SIL.

ton181 Thu 04-Jan-18 21:41:32
"2 siblings then split 2 ways, your kids your problem, why should SIL be penalised because they don't have kids"

How is the SIL being penalised when the OP and her dh won't be getting to spend that money either: it will be spent (unless the SIL manages to lay her grubby paws on it) by 4 totally different individuals- the ILs grandchildren.

I actually cannot believe what I am reading from many many posters here who agree with your SIL’s view, are you people nuts???

1. Fund was setup for any GC, there are 4 GC who happen to be OP and DH’s kids, SIL has no kids. Not fair according to SIL and other posters here as not split equally between OP’s DH and his DS...ummm small issue of this being a GC fund and not SIL and DB fund.

1. Inheritance. According to what OP says virtually the entire estate is going to SIL as she visits weekly while her DB and OP only visit fortnightly. How the actual fuck can you people agree this is anywhere close to fair being in the spirit of the equal split SIL bangs on about?

1. OP and her DH are not disputing SIL inheriting virtually the whole of her parents estate (and in the interests of SIL’s fairness policy, they bloody should be!!), yet are being called grabby for not sharing the view that the GC fund should indeed be for the GC as intended (grand total of £3500 let’s not forget) and not half to (insanely) grabby SIL and remainder split between up to 4 GC.

1. SIL disputing the GC being given Christmas gifts as the total spend on OP’s family would be higher than on her and her husband. And GP’s are going along with this madness .....WTAF!!!!!

I have read some things on MN, but this is insanity and I cannot believe anyone is siding with the SIL on this. Of course it’s the GP’s money to do with as they wish, but the whole point here is that they are not doing as they want when SIL is stamping her feet and they are giving in every single time. At this rate she will end up with the lot and that doesn’t exactly sound like an equal split does it??

OP, you are SOOOOO NBU.

To everyone who’s responded about inheritance - THIS IS NOT INHERITANCE!
SIL is getting the estate. She is actually getting the whole house (which has been bought outright - mortgage paid off years ago, and worth at least half a million.). We will be getting various bits and pieces (mostly the things she hasn’t labelled). The rest of the savings are being split between the siblings - 50% for DH and 50% for SIL. This is the only fund that I know of that is going directly to GC.

I don’t know the ins and outs of this fund or how it works, it’s been mentioned to me twice and we’re discussing how/where exactly to transfer it all next year. But it is about £3.5k set aside for many years, meaning it was probably quite a bit less to begin with, that is to go to PILs soon to be four grandchildren - soon to be four of my soon to be six children - who are currently aged 13, 5, 2 and due in February.

I can fund their education. I am funding my oldest son’s University education. This £3.5k split four ways would barely make a dent in the £9k per year tuition fees, never mind the cost of living!! Obviously, the overriding idea is it will go into something university related, because DH’s family have all been to university, and I went to university, and we’re generally quite an academically minded family. However if our children don’t go to university I’m sure we’ll work round what to do with it - for example, as mentioned upthread, use it for them to go on a school trip or other educational opportunity. When it comes to the transfer of money we will discuss all this in full with PILs.

I mentioned SILs salary because if she was on a lower salary I might be more understanding about her desperation for any extra money, even at her nieces’ expense. I’d at least feel a bit sorry for her. As it is she doesn’t need this money - she just seems to want it because it “doesn’t seem fair” that the GC should get anything. It’s almost a fight because of jealousy.

And someone mentioned my two kids - they are very resented by SIL. She particularly took a dislike to my DD12 and got incredibly angry when our PILs bought expensive tickets to see DD (more than once) when she was in a West End show, and when she was in a UK tour. We paid for them to go to each once, and they chose to go another two times to one production and once more to the other. She was very cross at them for “caring so much about someone they’re not even related to” and made really snide remarks for weeks after. She really liked DH’s ex-W also and sees me adopted DD13 as stealing her child, when in reality ex-W abandoned and agreed for me adopt her. She’s seen her approximately twice since DD was 6 months old.

Oh and for the last time - I CAN AFFORD MY KIDS!! ALL OF THEM!! My other two kids receive nothing from their GPs because mine are long gone and their dad’s are bonkers (they do send Christmas gifts though - free gifts they get in magazines are wrapped up and sent our way!).

YADNBU

SIL sounds vile. I have no idea why some are agreeing with her. 'Equality' is not her getting the house etc, I only hope your PIL are telling her that to keep the peace and have actually spilt everything 50/50. As for the post-it thing... just disgusting.

The fund is clearly for university or similar, not for your SIL to (presumably) spend on a handbag or something. She clearly has issues to the point where she'd take money off children.