To think DH should be doing more about this?

[TabbyTigger]

DH and I have three, soon to be four, children who are 13, 5, and 2. He has one sibling who has no children. It was recently mentioned that his parents have set up a fund to provide for their grandchildren’s (potential) university education.

DH’s sister has objected and says she should get half of the fund because only we have children. DH and PIL just seem to be accepting this and it looks like half of the fund is indeed now going to go to her. AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous?

Not sure it’s relevant, but she and her husband decided not to have children and their income is actually significantly higher than ours, so it’s not like they actually need the money. And even if they did I’d be a little cross about the principle!

I’m just worried my view is skewed because it’s my DC missing out. Hence posting here. Perfectly happy to be told IABU.

June - it's not about the not getting anything at Xmas, from what I have understood from the OPs posts, in previous years the SIL has said it's not fair that the Gcs get presents as well as her sibling as she should get the same. How is that a normal attitude? The OP was sharing the £100 given to her DH with the family for a day trip. In whose world is it normal to not be able to buy their grandchildren presents as it upsets their auntie?

DHs niece was born before our DCs, she was giving presents from her GPs, no one ever would have thought to say that wasn't fair and that DH should get extra given to him. What a bizarre attitude and to be honest we spoilt DN rotten when she was the only grandchild/niece not demanded our fair share.

None of your business who they give their money to Equally it is none of the SILs business and she is the one who is dictating.

I think if my child suggested we didn’t give Christmas presents to the grandchildren because she didn’t have any, id tell get to go boil her head. Your pil should have sat on her a long time ago I feel the same, I have two with kids and two without, my four all get the same but what the GC get is a different matter and I decide, none of mine would try to tell me they should get extra because their baby nephew got £50 spent on him.

I completely agree with radiogagoo ‘s 8:10 post.

OP YADNBU. Does your SIL listen to herself when she speaks? “My nephew/nieces are getting presents and that is wrong: I should be getting them.” She sounds really desperate for attention.

One of SIL’s favourite phrases is “that just doesn’t seem fair to me”, which is the phrase she uses if it is ever mentioned that GC shall be directly given anything extra to what she might be given.

I can afford my children. It’s not about me having, wanting, or needing the money. Neither me, DH, nor SIL need any of the money offered to us by PIL, they are just wealthy and generous. The £2000 example was me pointing out that they have other savings funds that are split exactly between the two children (DH and SIL), when it’s relevant. This fund, however, was to be split exactly between the GC, however many there were and whoever has them. I have 2 DC from a previous marriage (which is how one is at uni - my oldest is 18) - they won’t be getting any of this and neither would I expect that. The four children benefitting are DH’s - his 13yo from a previous relationship who is now my DD, his 5+2yo with me, and his unborn baby with me who is coming along in February.

I have hundreds of nieces and nephews (I am one of nine, 8/9 of us have children, two have 7 and 8 children). A few years ago I gave birth to DD at the beginning of December, so didn’t have time to buy many Christmas presents. I just gave each DN £10. It didn’t occur to me to give £10 to the DN who’s an only child and £1.11 to the DNs who are 1 of 8. Why would it? I also didn’t give £10 to my sibling with no children to make it “equal”. This is the same idea but with more money. It’s not us demanding more of the inheritance because we have 4(/6) children - she gets more of the inheritance.

what the GC get is a different matter

Is how I believe it is. I’m not looking at this as my money, but as 4 of my DCs’ money for their future educational endeavours. They could use it for University, as my DS has done with his savings from his job to make day to day life a bit more comfortable, or they could use it for a school/University trip that I otherwise wouldn’t contribute to. I agree to pay for 1 big(ish, within reason) school trip throughout secondary school. They may wish to put the money towards a second if the opportunity arises and it looks like they don’t want to go to University - all this will be discussed with the PIL. But the idea was for the money to be split between the GC for, broadly, education.

Yes but what 'more' do you want your DH to do?

Running I would have liked DH and PIL to perhaps, rather than just saying “okay we’ll split it”, say “hang on a minute” and properly discuss what is the right thing to do. I feel that way about the Christmas presents, about her complaining when they paid for tickets to see my DD (so PILs step grandchild) in a show, about the labels on the items she wanted most after PILs die, and when she made us pay for her missed salsa class because we invited (not summoned) her to DDs birthday. Also when she wouldn’t split the fare of a shared taxi because we were going further! I just think it’s odd behaviour and I know PILs find it frustrating but don’t do anything about it so as to not disrupt the peace.

That said, I don’t want to disrupt the peace so we are just going to not say anything. I am entitled to a whinge though. As I said upthread, when she comes round this weekend we’ll probably just feed her something gross as a subtle revenge

Your sil is in her early 40's. Will you give back money if she has a child?

Mumof56 she says she doesn’t want any children, and the reason the money is being distributed now is that we’ve said this one will be our last. However, if that happens, then I think most likely I will just match the amount from my own money, in this case, £450, and put it in her child’s account for education. Or if they’re still around we can discuss it with PIL and they may be willing to do the same thing, or may want us to work out how it would have been divided across five and remove a little from each other child’s to make up the amount, but this seems quite complicated to me and the other suggestions seem easier! But either way that child would be treated equally.

That one child won’t get 4 times as much as each of the other GC because there’s one of her and four of them, if that’s what you think should happen. And that might be what SIL thinks should happen.

Also, could it not be argued that she’s already been given the education fund for any future children, by having half of the fund that was originally set aside? The chances of her having more than 4 when even one would be an accident (at the age of 44, which in itself is quite unusual) is unlikely.

Either way, if nothing else was organised I would just pay the £450 to invest in my niece or nephew’s future.

Mumof56 - why should she? It's a gift to the GCs from their GPS, it's not the SILs money?

I am actually fuming for you.The money part aside, this grown woman is hindering a normal grandparent and grandchild relationship.
My parents love to pick out their presents for Xmas and share the joy of unwrapping the presents together- whether it be a toy from the pound shop or the most expensive toy in the world- it doesn't matter it's about the memories.
Or sometimes my mum will just buy something just because she thought they would like it but no reason or event is happening. Just a surprise.
My gran(dc's nan) used to give my 2 £2.50 a week pocket money to buy a magazine.
Would sil expect pocket money too?
I don't know how you keep quiet.

It's money for GC education. Not hers. Not anyone's, but the GC.

She's the grabby one and your PIL need to stand up to her about their own money.

@ZanyMobster

Why should she what?

I think Mumof56 is an interloper from Reddit or similar with the aim of intentionally killing off threads for their own gratification. Or perhaps they are the OP's SIL

Clearly the SIL is BU. I can't imagine going round my parents' house putting post its on their belongings to remind everyone that I want all the pricey items when they pop their clogs

That's another thing out of curiosity... do they take the post it note down once they note what she wants or is there just a beautiful house with post it notes everywhere
That's part is just mean of sil

I feel really sorry for your in laws that that are not allowed the joy of giving Christmas gifts to their grandchildren.

Sorry but why did you pay her salsa lesson? You e indulged her and accommodated her demands so far.... you've helped create all this

Sister probably feels punished financially for not having children, but has failed to see that you will not benefit from a university fund and nor would she (had they had children) Disgruntled or not, this fund was designed to support future children with the best of intentions, and this should be honoured.

It is their money and their choice. If I were them I would set a small amount aside instead of the university fund to the sister for training or education so there is no ill feeling.

Running because I didn’t want to cause a scene at DD’s 5th birthday. She knows when to approach - she brought it up very casually during a party game, and when I said “let’s discuss it later” she began to make a fuss, so I essentially paid her to shut up!

jay55 it saddens me too. Some years we have just used the money to buy and wrap presents but PILs never get the same gift giving experience. I don’t even understand why she objects to us just having the same spend but on gifts rather than in a cheque - whenever we suggest this she gets stressy and says “I’d just prefer it if we stuck with an arrangement because we know it work and we know it’s fair” ?!? It’s all odd, and a shame. It’s not me and DH missing out - it’s PILs and their GCs.

Rainbow they’ve been on for a few months. Some are visible, some manage to be hidden. It was originally post its but she has now upgraded most to those sticky labels (the ones you get on a roll) because they’re more durable than post it notes, which lose their stick... one painting in the living room has a little label saying “SIL” on the corner of the frame which makes me laugh/gag/fume every time I see it.

I have not seen any good reason why the GP are doing this though. I get the sister might be money grabbing but why dont the parents just give the GC the full money anyway. Why was it even discussed with the sister, the money could have been passed on to GC without a word? I just cant see why GP are so pathetic?

Julie it was just mentioned to us by PIL casually a few weeks ago because they’d given us the “holiday fund” and wanted to transfer it, and SIL was there (we often invite both her and PILs round at the same time) so started her “I really don’t think this is fair” speech and they essentially went “okay then we’ll split the fund”. She objects very easily and they give into her very easily because of the guilt from DH requiring more attention and money as a child. They’re also (very very) very transparent about finances with DH and SIL (and me in fact, even more bizarrely).

Yes DH sister should get half the money. Any families fortunate enough to be given money from their parents are very lucky and money should be split equally. It’s not her fault you have had 4 children and should feel no pressure to apportion it to them.

I find your SIL's behaviour terrible!

My sister said a few years ago that it wasn't fair for her to get x spend on her at Christmas from my mum because I have DS and therefore get twice as much spent on me. Therefore she always gets a more substantial gift whereas DS and I both just get a token present. Mum is scared of upsetting sister and so just does what she can to keep the peace. Sister was early 20s when the conversation took place though, not 30s/40s!

Putting stickers on things that you want is terrible! PIL should have a list with their Wills saying what they want to leave people, and I sincerely hope that they've used their Wills as a way to ensure that the inheritance is fairly split between your DH and his sister as that is what's FAIR

My older brother complained when my parents bought me a cheap laptop as a gift for going to uni to study for and MA which I thought was petty.
I think it’s fair that each child get the same. If it were a house they were leaving would it be fair that you get ALL of it? Perhaps this is reverse.

I can see her point. I don't think it's the Grandparents job to be funding their grandchildren. But as the money belongs to the GP's they should make the decision and they've decided it's fairer if your sil gets a share of the fund. It would probably be easier all round if you said to the GP's what a nice gesture but keep your money and we'll pay for ourselves. But doesn't sound very likely you want to do that. You want your DC's to benefit but heaven forbid if anybody else gets a penny.