Openly judgmental towards tattoos?

[StandardRussian66]

My OH is tattooed from the neck down. They are cultural tattoos and he is a big guy, over 6ft and does body building.
I knew him years ago when he didn’t have the tattoos and when he was slim. Strangers were nice to him, and treated him like any other person. But now, he finds that men tend to square up to him on nights out, shop staff and waiting staff are abnormally abrupt and people in general is just openly quite hostile towards him. It makes me sad, and makes him anxious about going out.

AIBU to think most people aren’t this ignorant that they can’t see past the ink and see that he’s just a normal guy who wants to be able to enjoy a glass of coke in his local pub without men puffing their chests out at him whenever he walks by?
I thought we were over this in this day and age.

Luckily for them he rarely drinks alcohol and has a very calm temperament

My partner also doesn’t drink for this reason

Does he actually have a personal connection to Japan and Tahiti?

It can come across as cultural appropriation too.

Yes, Japanese mother, Tahitian father.

And he travelled to those countries to have the tattoos done properly

YANBU - people do treat others differently due to looks - subconsciously a lot of the time.

It's probably both his tattoos and his physique not only one of them

Some examples - my ex had long hair (loiked like a hippy!) He shaved it all off one day and noticed a huge difference in the way people treated him, particularly other men. They treated him as if he might be after a fight when he had a shaved head when in fact he was the gentlest person.

A friend has a missing tooth at the front from a sporting accident. If he forgets to wear his plate with his false tooth, people treat him differently, they seem to assume he's a thug.

A female friend with dreadlocks combed them out while she lived with me (I helped, took us 2 days!). Suddenly she started getting harassment from men in the street all the time. I has always got it, assumed she did too, but the dreadlocks had protected her from this kind of harassment. She also told me that when she lived in Japan (with dreads) she had trouble getting sales assistants to serve her - they seemed scared of her!

Cross posts - I mentioned Japan by total coincidence!

I'm also surprised to hear of Japanese tattoos, I also thought they were associated with the Yakuza. Is that changing?

I get judged all the time for my tattoos but I judge people who will make these kids of judgements back so it’s all part of the circle of life. I think as others have said the harassment and attitude is more likely to be his size. While the stereotypes associated with tattoos are being broken, the muscleman stereotypes still prevail in society and they’re rarely positive.

My Dh is 6ft 1 and does body building too, he has tattoos too including a sleeve, and gets the same. It doesn't bother him about the men as he can take care of himself but he does get a lot of admiring looks from women, which can annoy me depending on my mood!

We met a lovely young couple on holiday, both of them were covered in tattoos. The young woman had her hair shaved underneath and her head was tattooed. She was telling me, I didn't ask, that she was an optician and wore her hair down for work.

Well getting Japanese tattoos has some pretty heavy cultural implications - similar to getting a tear drop tattoo.

I personally like tattoos but the combination of LOTS of tattoos and a body builder physique makes me think of thugs and gangsters, and for the men squaring up to your DH it will be because they think he's portraying himself as a hard man to have a go at.

I wonder about this quite a lot. People do things to stand out like get tattoos and then complain when people look at them. In theatre (bear with me) if I want to manipulate the focus of the audience attention I make the actor do something different to the rest. Eg stand up when every one else is sat down.

It’s basic human nature to look at what ever is different to the norm. A tattoo that is in show is not private - it’s on show and is going to cause a reaction. The people who make the choice to have them can not be so naive to think they can do something different to the norm and also blend in.

You may want it to work like that but it doesn’t.
Ps. This is about first impressions and not about the content of anyone’s character or what happens when you get to know someone.

He doesn’t mind staring. That is perfectly normal I think, to stare at him. He does look different.
We have an issue with people assuming he is a bad person, or someone to be avoided or defensive toward.

WhollyFather how does someone with tattoos affect your life.Explain how it negatively affects your life.Because I don't understand that statement.

But someone covered in tattoos and with a bodybuilding body is projecting a tough image.

Your DH would be someone I would gravitate towards rather than avoid!! I love tattoos & am always really interested in hearing the origins behind the intrictate ones.
My ex was well built & had tattoos, when he worked the doors it had mixed effects; some blokes squared up to him & others avoided him! Always found it was the scrawny quiet ones that you didn't cross, personally 😂

I am a woman the other side of 50 and have a full sleeve.
I have had smaller more hidden tattoos for years but my sleeve is more recent and is a memorial tatoo to my late husband. It tells the journey of pain and suffering he went through and the great loss I now live daily with.
The only people who have commented on it are a few early 20’s people I work with. Nothing really negative but more shock that a woman my age has a sleeve. They were even more shocked to lean I had smaller hidden tattoos older than them. But then the young seem to think they were the first to do anything.

We have an issue with people assuming he is a bad person, or someone to be avoided or defensive toward.

But that is the message he is choosing - on first glance at least - to send. People generally get bodybuilder big because they WANT people to notice they are big and strong - it doesn't happen by accident. People cover themselves with visible tattoos because they want to communicate a message that way. The combination of the two is going to read to most people as "I want you to know I'm a real hard man".

I'm sure he is lovely. But he is getting the responses he is because of choices he has made about how he looks. He is going to have to win people over through actual extended contact rather than first impressions.

Ok, I guess I am BU. I don’t understand. I would not be off with someone for the way they look.

Ok, I guess I am BU. I don’t understand. I would not be off with someone for the way they look.

Really? You'd have the exact same response to being approached by someone clean and well-groomed in a suit, and someone filthy and dishevelled dressed in rags?

We all process information about people immediately by necessity, so we can judge our response. It's a basic survival skill. It's not always a pretty process, but I don't buy for a second that you would "never be off with someone because of the way they look".

I consider them primitive and ugly

What, every single tattoo ever?

I think there’s a massive difference between looking at someone or something and thinking you don’t like it - which we all do about all kinds of things- and actually saying something out loud. It’s the actually saying it part that is wrong and it seems to be that tattoos bring out that side in people.

StandardRussian

Let's say that you walk past a woman wearing a niqab, an other woman a sheitel and modest clothing, a 3rd woman with blonde hair and a mini skirt, 4th woman in a pantsuit and pumps, 5th woman with dreads and loose clothing....

Would you make certain assumptions? Even just subconsciously? Most (all?) of us would. Maybe about their religion, their work, lifestlye etc?

Your DH's choices (tattoos and bodybuilding combined....) lead to people making certain assumptions / judgements. Some might not even be aware of it.

What don't you understand about this?

That doesn't mean that anyone has the right to mistreat, harass him or make nasty comments, btw!

I don’t like tattoos, on anyone. And yes, I always judge. Probably wrong, but, most people make judgements, consciously or subconsciously.

I think the big issue is the openly putting your opinion into words to the person you're judging. Everyone judges. The difference is keeping your mouth shut & doing it in your head, surely?

freddie

But it wouldn’t treat anyone of those people any differently. That’s the point I’m making.