To ask about revenge and break-ups

[Carbohol78]

Not really an AIBU thread, but it arose from one, so most of the contributors of the original thread (AIBU to refuse to stop receiving maintenance) will be in this area

This will offend some people! But it’s anonymous on the internet, and even though the topic or circumstances aren’t light-hearted, I though we could have a giggle and try to see some humour in the pain that we once had!

To be clear, I am not proud of what I did, I handled the break-up very badly, I have never badmouthed my Ex to our DC, but at the time of the break-up (several years ago) I did everything I could to make his life a misery. I will spend the rest of my life secretly making up to my children for not being a bit stronger or more resilient and rising above it.

Basically .... what was your awful break-up or revenge story?

My Ex cheated (a lot!) and when it finally became too much for me to deny it and look the other way, he left me for one of the OW

I was heartbroken and debt-ridden with young children and he gave no financial support at all

In my case, I used his credit card to pay for the outstanding bills - council tax, water, electricity etc. Then after a torrent of abusive emails and texts about how I had “let myself go”, was a crap mum with mental health issues, Ex one day stupidly forwarded me an email in error which one of his OW had written, pretending to be him (for him to send me from his account), again listing all my faults. As the OW sent it from her work account to his work account, I saw red and sent it to both their companies HR Depts claiming they were vicariously liable for their employees’ harassment. They both got suspended and disciplined, his sister tore me apart on social media, so I sent the email to his friends and family also

Obviously I was just as bad in replying with vindictive texts and just as nasty, but he cheated, so I felt justified

Told you I was bad!

My ex-fiance cheated on me for months. Denied to everyone (even to point of going up to a friend's husband in the street saying I had made it up) he had been having an affair. I knew from several things but not least that my neighbours told me her car had been parked outside overnight and they had seen her leaving in the morning on several occasions.

He kicked me out of our house (well, it was his but I paid him something like 15k towards the mortgage which I never got back) and fucked off to hers for the weekend whilst I struggled doing several car journeys lugging my stuff.

She moved in the next day. So clearly nothing had been going on. And not for any time at all. Obviously.

Anyway, I was going back to see my cat as originally I couldn't take him with me as was renting until worked out what to do. Saw her shampoo in the shower. So I pissed in it. And ran his toothbrush under the rim of the loo.

When did the 'genius' bar plummet so low?

The shower bottle one... well I'm sure it would have annoyed him (which is good) and it would have gone on annoying him (which is still good, yes?) and I bet he couldn't wait to get to the end of the bottle but if it would have bothered him that much he would have slung it out. Perhaps he even got used to it after a while? I know that I wouldn't keep using a shower gel that I hated the smell of because I would smell of it... so out it would go.

In the meantime, the star of that caper is investing a heck of a lot of thought and time and planning on someone who isn't worth a moment of her time...

Would that ex even remember the never-ending shower gel now?

I've never wanted to take revenge - even on my cheating Ex DH or the other woman (left when our daughters where 6,4 and 4 months old)

I just can't bring myself to debase myself over the fact someone no longer loves me - why would I want to be with someone who didn't love me or respect me? I have never felt the need to lash out because other people behaved badly or because a man stopped loving me

I did feel sad and angry and all those things but never felt the need to lash out

wherethevioletsgrow

is entirely different if they have primary care for a small baby. Get a grip of yourself. It's never nice to be cheated on but forcing a small child to leave his/her home is not on.
Courts in divorce cases do not give a shit if someone has cheated on someone else when dealing with finances. It should not have an impact on housing needs and rights. People cheat for various reasons and it does not always mean that they are monsters and that the person they cheat on is an angel. Life is not that black and white.

where are you seriously suggesting he should have continued to support the woman who cheated on him and the baby that wasn't even his?

When I discovered my now ex had a pof account (and had cheated, but I didn't know at the time) whilst housesitting for his sister, I managed to gain access to his pof account and add some additional details to his profile, along the lines of suffering erectile disfunction, and with hobbies including cheating on his long term partner, lying through my teeth and being a dysfunctional man child!

I agree with posters that doing anything criminal is a BAD idea but the notion of living well being the best revenge is not going to happen immediately. That process takes time, and usually you're stuck having to keep a brave face on, parenting responsibilities doubled, difficult questions to answer, children's emotional needs doubled, so to be honest if a little bit of petty revenge throws a sandbag overboard and enables a betrayed party to feel less resentment, less pain, less injustice than I could see how that might be better for the children. I know I was a depressed detached barely adequate mother for a long time and I struggled with the injustice of it all. I don't feel like that now, but the rising above it route, great idea of course but that doesn't kick in right away. You can't just download rising above it and then instantly install that life path. It takes TIME. For me I know that a petty act of revenge (if I could have thought of one / executed one) would have made me feel less pain, resentment, anger which would have made me concentrate more and connect more to parenting the two children who had nobody but me.
My x didn't cheat that I know of but he was abusive and cut us off with nothing when we escaped.

Gingergenius

Haha OP. I wish I could be like you! Nobody could blame you for the things you did!

In the case of the baby that was not a poster upthread's nephew/niece, I think the brother should have put the baby stuff in the boot and driven her to her parents.

But to answer your question the baby us not his responsibity as it is not his and so he has 0 duty of care to the baby and legally she would not of been allowed to stay they were not married were not tenants in common.

She paid no rent so was not a lodger and she cheated and had another mans child when in a long term relationship and you think she should get to stay in my brothers flat for free simply because she had a child?

You are having a laugh.

She should go to the babies father if she wants housing not expect my brother to be a doormat to her.

Okay, I hadn't realised that the baby was not his. But yes, I would have ensured that she had somewhere to go before turfing her and a baby out. If she didn't have parents she could go to, I would feel morally obligated to make sure she was sorted because I couldn't see a child be made homeless just because I hated its mum.

He drove and gave all her and babies stuff to her partents house minus the expesive things bought by him and our parents what else should he of done.

Moved out and allowed her to stay in his own flat and support her and the child that is not his so in effect be a bloody door mat.

I think not.

Sorry worridmum I just re-read the post and I still think he was a spiteful arsehole and could have conducted himself with a bit of dignity.

Selling the baby's cot and pram? Destroying his ex's work clothes? That is seriously nasty. I am not saying he should allow her to live there rent free while he moves out, but what he did would have adversely affected the baby who was an innocent in all of this. So yes, I still believe that he comes off worst in all of this.

Those who are getting on their high horse - have never felt the pain of realising that your past and future have just gone down the toilet and the fact that the people you trusted have lied to you.

Believe me having to stand by and let the "happy dream" couple shit on you time and time again, spread crap, tell further lies and treat you like a piece of crap - does something to your soul.

Speak for yourself, life, I've been there. And come out the other side and it took bloody years. Don't spout off about other people when you have NO idea.

I wouldn't have put myself 'back there' by indulging in this nonsense because it would have harmed me. Confusius and all that...

Those who are getting on their high horse-have never felt the pain of realising that your past and future have just gone down the toilet and the fact that the people you trusted have lied to you.

Nope, you still won't convince me that revenge porn or assault is justified in any way. Nor is depriving a baby of a cot and a pram out of spite.

It is horrible when infidelity happens, I have experienced it myself. But at the end of the day it does not entitle me to behave like some of the posters on here have done.

wherethevioletsgrow

You sound very self-righteous. I don't think you can judge what you would do as you're unlikely to have a woman pass off her her lover's child as yours. And the ex does have parents so it's pointless pontificating on what you would have done if the ex didn't have parents.

I don't blame the the guy one bit.

And the guy is a 'spiteful arsehole' but no word about the cheating ex?

The ex who lied about the baby’s paternity is a horrid awful person, I don’t give a shit about her clothes. The baby’s stuff on the other hand, I don’t think the baby should have had to go without because of her disgusting behaviour. And she should have left the home, it was her who caused it.

Totally agree with @CherryMaDera

No, she can't see past him having sold the baby's cot and pram, which was definitely spiteful and he went way too far. But this is the point of the thread. People who have lashed out in revenge at being hurt. No one is saying that what they did was good, but that they were driven to it by what the person they loved did to them.

And it's certainly true that wherethevioletsgrow is coming across as very self-righteous indeed.

There is no satisfaction to be gleaned from depriving a baby of her pram and other things that were HERS, even if they had been bought by someone else.

Cutting up the mother's clothes was equally as low.

I cannot get into the mindset of someone who finds this kind of behaviour and nasty retribution gratifying and just.

Walking away from this troubled, duplicitous woman would have been sufficient.

It isn't self righteous to find spiteful vengeance, pointless and cruel.

Self-righteous to find it distasteful to take the baby's cot? Just because it was paid for by the guy's parents. Okay then, I am self-righteous.

It displays a really callous attitude towards the child which is quite prevalent on Jeremy Kyle and other shows like it. When blokes find out that they are not the biological father to a child that they have been involved with and raised for months, sometimes years, they will often just cut ties completely and walk away with no thought for the child. And I think the brother in this case showed a similar attitude. The mother has cheated on him so now it's all about money and he can't even let a kid keep a pram and a cot because his parents bought it. Shows absolutely fuck all concern for a baby who did not ask to be born into this mess.

And yes I am self-righteous if I think that it is never ever ever right to send revenge porn. Ever.

the cot and pram were bought by our parents and were stupidly expensive no way should she should be able to walk away with them and her parents had a cot and pram for the baby anyway so he did not deprive the baby just the mother of valuable stuff to sell on.

So instead of have a 3k cot and silver cross pioneer pram the baby had a second hand pram and a bog standard cot for when they would baby sit.

They were not hers at best they were 50/50 but if he had given them to the ex i am sure they would of been sold and she pocketed all the money anyway so I sleep perfectly well at night because she was a selfish person of the highest order.

She even tried emotional blackmail on my parents because my brother would not pay her child maintenance and the babies biological dad is not known apparently (numerous swingers party were no one uses real names according to her) so she said morally he or they (my parents) should support the baby.

its exactly like posts on her were a long term partner cheats on his female partner car in joint names (people tell the OP to sell the car and pocket the money since its her car fuck the effect it would have on her ex and his previous children because he would lose his job without a car etc)

He did not take the only cot / pram available to the baby he kept the luxury one that had high value and would of just been sold as the parents house already had these.

How many of you would let a cheating partner walk away with a lot of high value items from YOUR house (i bet 0) especially if your parents had funded the purchase in the first place.