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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I asked my guest to leave my home.

999 replies

bubblesdrew · 02/01/2018 22:44

We built a house a couple of fields away from some neighbours.

I met the husband at the local shop a couple of months after we got settled & after some chat asked if him and his wife would like to join us, friends & family for a New Years Eve dinner.

His wife and himself arrived that night and they were initially great. During conversation she asked for a tour of the house and I said no (not in a rude way). 20 minutes later she said again that she would like a tour of the house and again I said no. Then a THIRD time she asked and at that point my husband stepped in and said that there wouldn't be a tour.

She used the bathroom numerous times in the night which is located under the stairs. My niece was in our room at the top of the stairs past the closet which eventually leads into the master bedroom.

This woman had climbed the stairs later in the night when she asked to be excused for the bathroom went through my closet and into the master bedroom. My niece flew down and told my husband who marched upstairs and quietly asked her to leave. She claimed she was lost but, she had used the bottom bathroom all night!!
Should I have given her a tour or was she being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
LunchBoxPolice · 04/01/2018 00:53

The word tour has lost all meaning to me after reading this thread.

Funkyferret · 04/01/2018 00:57

Goodness, I love houses and just love seeing what people have done with them but would never ask for a tour. Stranger neighbour was an absolute ninja, the lesser skilled ones just go through your bathroom cabinets and cupboards then slip up by mentioning something to you months later that you know was hidden away (nothing embarrassing, just a mention of "X brand you like" that you know wasn't out on display . . . been there!).

GoldenBrows · 04/01/2018 04:03

I can't bare to see this thread go it's been like mainlining entertainment through an IV

ProperLavs · 04/01/2018 06:40

A 'No" without any kind of further explanation is always going to be rude.

MyOtherProfile · 04/01/2018 06:54

A 'No" without any kind of further explanation is always going to be rude.

We should all start quoting this every time anyome comments on mn that no is a complete sentence. It's madness I tell you.

MyOtherProfile · 04/01/2018 06:55

Perhaps if the OP had added a qualifier everyone would have been happy. E.g. "No, because my house isn't a public museum", "No, because I barely know you and don't feel comfy showing you my mess", "No, because I don't want to".

shockthemonkey · 04/01/2018 07:01

Thank goodness for some sense from Canyon and Lavs.

As I've kept saying, it's not the refusal that was rude, it was the flat "no" with absolutely nothing in there to soften it. It only takes a minimum of social awareness to understand that.

Then the summary ejection. How awkward! Why not laugh, when you find Wander Woman in your wardrobe, and help her find her way back downstairs?

Anyway, OP, I do hope that the whole episode has not ruined your chances of integrating happily in your new neighbourhood.

peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers · 04/01/2018 07:01

The OP has explained more than once that she wasn't rude or blunt when she said no to her guest

Sure, but then explains that by that they "laughed and said no"....which sounds pretty rude to me. She may feel she was not blunt or rude, that does not mean she did not appear that way to others.
The fact that she turfed out an invited guest suggests that her notions of rude may be somewhat different to the majority view.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 04/01/2018 07:01

The word tour has lost all meaning to me after reading this thread

Me too Grin

When I think of a tour with regards to a property I initially assume something like the Tower of London or Hampton court palace is being discussed, not some random terrace or semi.

I wonder if owners hand out audio guides if they are too busy making dinner or tea?

Curtainsandtv · 04/01/2018 07:35

'When a host offers me a tour ive turned it down politely. I won't indulge these show offs.
But i have asked for a tour when it's been a 17th century/barn conversion or new build '

What the..?! So only a tour when you feel the house is good enough for you?! Christ mumsnet is a new world...

I don't show people round my house to 'show off', I do it because it's how I was raised I suppose and what I feel is expected, and I want people to feel welcome in my home. I find it interesting looking round other peoples houses - gives me ideas for decor etc, and also I suppose I feel like seeing someone's house feels like getting to know them better? I'm quite an open person and I suppose I like other people to be too, but i appreciate some people are more private. For me I suppose it feels a bit defensive and 'cold' not too, especially to turn down a request, but each to their own. Also, surely if you've just moved you might be likely to be talking about possible modifications or whatever anyway, so it would make sense to show people.

Going back to the OP.., she was wrong to go 'wandering' after you're said no to a tour, and for asking again when you'd said no. I agree with others though that just saying no with no reason I.e sleeping person upstairs, probably came across as very rude. I think you were both being unreasonable really.

But hey, it appears your house is good enough for a PP who only looks round certain properties. I would love you two to meet, PP to decide you are , indeed , worthy of a tour request, and you to flatly deny her 😁.

Wineasaurous · 04/01/2018 08:15

OP in my mind now all your community are singing a musical ditty down the local pub about how strange you are for not allowing them to freely wander around your home

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 04/01/2018 08:21

I suppose I feel like seeing someone's house feels like getting to know them better?

It is statements like this I don’t get, how can you possibly tie the quality or closeness of a friendship with how familiar you are with their home?

Friends when they pop around inevitably see the whole ground floor and bathroom, from that they can get a ‘feel’ for how our home is decorated, see personal photos, random items from our travels or hobbies etc. We do consider the main bedroom to be off limits and I don’t really see how that diminishes getting to know someone.

I live in London, and have a diverse social circle that comprises of old uni mates, work colleagues, sports club friends and so on and I have never encountered this social expectation to conduct tours or indeed open up every room of my home for a mooch to whatever guest we have.

Hatsoffdear · 04/01/2018 08:40

Eye opener of a thread and very funny.

I do think it’s lovely to be proud of your home, especially if it’s a do up and you have worked hard on it, but I think to offer tours or to ask for a tour is strange.

I have been in the position of picking up my kid After a play date and being asked by the mum who I hardly know if I want a look around! Er no actually not interested. I politely did obviously but had to pretend to be impressed. All a bit strange.

I don’t think I could stomach a social circle that cared that much about other people’s random decor. A dinner party is about conversation, food and fun and I really couldn’t give a rats ass about their en suite. Going upstairs in someone else’s house is incredibly rude unless you are going directly to the loo and you ask permission.

BashStreetKid · 04/01/2018 08:43

But she didn't say "No, sorry I'd prefer not to". She just said "No.".

How do you know? She says she said no politely, she's not purporting to give a verbatim report of exactly what she did say. Even when she says she laughed and said no, that clearly wasn't the end of the conversation.

80sMum · 04/01/2018 09:09

Sorry, haven't rtft but was just thinking that there is no way anyone would be getting a tour of my house! When we have guests coming round, I usually bulldoze all the junk and crap out of the way to make the dining room and living room look nice. It all gets thrown upstairs out of the way. I definitely wouldn't want anybody to see it!!

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 04/01/2018 09:14

Eye opener of a thread and very funny

Isn’t it just.

I loved the ‘OP is going to be the talk of the community’ line for her social faux pas. I would personally be putting the for sale signs up if I found the community I had just moved to got all frothy over such nonsense.

Also I am disappointed that despite being the social secretary down my sports club and regularly hosting dinners/BBQs/drinks at my home I find that actually I am a bit of an introvert and socially awkward person as I don’t conduct estate agent-esque ‘tours’ of my home to visitors.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 04/01/2018 09:18

80sMum

Sounds like you need counselling as you are obviously suffering from social anxiety.

LTB*

*Leave the Bedroom

Birdietweet · 04/01/2018 09:46

Yes I wouldn’t show anyone my bedroom because I really don’t think they would be interested. I certainly wouldn’t in theirs. Couldn’t give a bollock.

If that makes me socially anxious so be it.Wink

I think it actually makes me normal and not a show off nosey Parker. Grin

PaxUniversalis · 04/01/2018 09:59

@80sMum
It all gets thrown upstairs out of the way. I definitely wouldn't want anybody to see it!!

Snap. I do the same thing.

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 10:07

I’m amazed at the lack of social skills many seem to have on MN!

It’s fascinating.

Then the summary ejection. How awkward! Why not laugh, when you find Wander Woman in your wardrobe, and help her find her way back downstairs?

Exactly.

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 10:11

Eye opener of a thread and very funny.

Agreed. Your posts for example - I’ve never met someone so bitter, insecure and competitive, and so completely unaware of perfectly ordinary social interaction. If I hadn’t read your posts, I wouldn’t have believed people really think like you do.

OuaisMaisBon · 04/01/2018 10:19

TatianaLarina - please correct me if I'm wrong, but by your definition, "perfectly ordinary social interaction" equates behaving like an estate agent/prospective house purchaser every time you ask someone round for dinner/accept an invitation to dinner?

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 10:24

TatianaLarina - please correct me if I'm wrong, but by your definition, "perfectly ordinary social interaction" equates behaving like an estate agent/prospective house purchaser every time you ask someone round for dinner/accept an invitation to dinner?

And this is a good example. It’s not about estate agent style tours or ‘every time’ - the question itself bespeaks social cluelessness.

frogsoup · 04/01/2018 10:35

I agree tatiana. Ditto the lack of understanding that you'd only ask for a tour in the first place if there was some noteworthy reason - recently built house, recently moved in, renovation or suchlike. There seems to be some weird conception that you'd just randomly ask a friend to see their bedroom, then root around in the cupboards. Despite being repeatedly told that that isn't how it works. Either it's posters deliberately setting up a straw man, or else basic cluelessness about how ordinary social interaction operates in this kind of scenario. As for the 'im not remotely interested in someone's house', if you really don't give a fuck about a project that a friend might have sweated over for months or years, or only see it in terms of showing off or competition, that's deeply depressing and I would hate to have you as a friend! It's quite normal to be excited and interested in your friends' lives and projects...

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 04/01/2018 10:38

TatianaLarina - please correct me if I'm wrong, but by your definition, "perfectly ordinary social interaction" equates behaving like an estate agent/prospective house purchaser every time you ask someone round for dinner/accept an invitation to dinner?

Yes you are wrong. As Tatiana says It’s not about estate agent style tours or ‘every time’ - the question itself bespeaks social cluelessness . I would add and an inability either to read or understand what was said.