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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I asked my guest to leave my home.

999 replies

bubblesdrew · 02/01/2018 22:44

We built a house a couple of fields away from some neighbours.

I met the husband at the local shop a couple of months after we got settled & after some chat asked if him and his wife would like to join us, friends & family for a New Years Eve dinner.

His wife and himself arrived that night and they were initially great. During conversation she asked for a tour of the house and I said no (not in a rude way). 20 minutes later she said again that she would like a tour of the house and again I said no. Then a THIRD time she asked and at that point my husband stepped in and said that there wouldn't be a tour.

She used the bathroom numerous times in the night which is located under the stairs. My niece was in our room at the top of the stairs past the closet which eventually leads into the master bedroom.

This woman had climbed the stairs later in the night when she asked to be excused for the bathroom went through my closet and into the master bedroom. My niece flew down and told my husband who marched upstairs and quietly asked her to leave. She claimed she was lost but, she had used the bottom bathroom all night!!
Should I have given her a tour or was she being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:

OuaisMaisBon · 04/01/2018 11:13

Hyperbole, me darlings, hyperbole!

Birdietweet · 04/01/2018 11:20

Relax Tatiana you are taking the thread far too seriously my dear but never fear I am sure you have the best house in your little social group. I bet your dinner parties are a blast too.

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 11:25

I entirely agree frogsoup

Particularly this:

As for the 'im not remotely interested in someone's house', if you really don't give a fuck about a project that a friend might have sweated over for months or years, or only see it in terms of showing off or competition, that's deeply depressing and I would hate to have you as a friend! It's quite normal to be excited and interested in your friends' lives and projects...

frogsoup · 04/01/2018 11:28

You must be v competitive Birdie. Without active evidence to the contrary, it wouldn't occur to me to think that somebody showing me their house was engaging in one-upmanship. I like my house. My friends like their houses. We have our own tastes so we have no need to envy each other.

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 11:30

Relax Tatiana you are taking the thread far too seriously my dear but never fear I am sure you have the best house in your little social group. I bet your dinner parties are a blast too.

Again with the weird insecurities and assumptions of competition.

If you’d actually read my posts it’s very clear that neither do I take the thread seriously nor even the OP. Personally I’d have had a laugh about the snooping neighbour.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 04/01/2018 11:57

I think there are two scenarios being conflated here. There is the ‘I have a new house / extension / landscaped garden do you fancy a look’ example and the ‘I have some never visited before guest in my otherwise unremarkable home I am going to offer to show them around’ scenario.

I can understand the former, less so the latter!

frogsoup · 04/01/2018 11:59

Yes but Pan the op is a mix between those two: new house, but also new guest (albeit invited to Nye!)

2rebecca · 04/01/2018 12:12

I would only expect a tour if it was a new house of a close relative. If visiting a friend or neighbour I wouldn't expect a tour no matter how new their house is. If they wanted to show me round their house I'd happily go round and make appropriate positive comments but unless it was a very exciting house I wouldn't be that bothered about bedrooms and bathrooms.
I've only shown the upstairs of our house to relatives or close friends and generally they're staying overnight anyway.
If someone asked I probably would show then round unless a mess (which is likely if busy and hostingas public rooms get prioritised) but would think them very nosy.

Austentatious · 04/01/2018 12:12

Frog add to the mix new guest bizarrely invited on NYE who has been put out by OP's construction work / noise / disruption for a significant amount of time. I understand her desire to see have a good bitch about what has caused the blot on her landscape (less so her means of doing it).

2rebecca · 04/01/2018 12:14

I wouldn't throw someone out for wandering round my house though but would tell them I wasn't happy with their nosiness.

MotheringMilly · 04/01/2018 12:30

So you’re happy to invite strangers around for dinner but don’t want to show them your new house, don’t get that at all.

When we moved into our unmodernised house we asked some neighbours if we could see their house to see what building work they had done, they were all more than happy to do so, in-fact they went so far as to offer up advice on what they would have done differently having lived with it.

It never crossed my mind that it is rude.

Sweetpea55 · 04/01/2018 14:26

I don't get this tour thing at all...Is it obligatory? Just because she asks does it mean you should show her around? No you weren't rude at all. Its your home.
Cant understand anyone who thinks that because she asked you three times ,you should have done it,,,,,,fuffing weird,,

mrsharrison · 04/01/2018 14:40

Sweetpea, no its not obligatory but we're not supposed to make our guests feel uncomfortable either.
"Sorry my niece is asleep upstairs but i'd be happy to show you around another time" would have sufficed.
Maybe that would have shut wander woman up and the whole thing wouldn't have escalated.

2rebecca · 04/01/2018 15:01

But she maybe didn't want to show her round any time and why should she? It's not a show house it's her home. She should have just said "no I prefer to keep the bedroom area private", but most normal people would just accept one "no" and leave it.

Original poster

bubblesdrew · 04/01/2018 15:06

A 'No" without any kind of further explanation is always going to be rude.

Christ, some mumsnetters are very sensitive.

OP posts:

mrsharrison · 04/01/2018 15:32

Not over sensitive at all.
As a host you shouldn't let your manners sink to the level of your rude guest.
Guest wasn't rude asking for a tour the first time but maybe she was drunk and didn't take op seriously.
Inviting a stranger to an intimate gathering on nye is just odd. Keep it to a quick coffee so you can discover if you like this person.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 04/01/2018 15:45

A 'No" without any kind of further explanation is always going to be rude.

And yet this is Mumsnet, home of the "No, is a complete sentence"...

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2018 15:48

Christ, some mumsnetters are very sensitive

Says the woman who threw someone out of her house simply for looking upstairs.

I wouldn’t throw someone out unless they were actually stealing the silver.

ProperLavs · 04/01/2018 15:54

I would rather say that some MN are very insensitive and have little idea about basic social etiquette.

If you think a blunt 'no' is polite enough and would quite happily speak to other people in that way then I suspect you are also the kind of people who are baffled when friendships seem to peter out.

I know someone like this. She has no notion of how rude she is. She thinks saying things like 'no' to a perfectly reasonable request is fine. She also thinks others are over sensitive. She also has general human relationships problem.
It's just rude. If you think it isn't rude then you too are probably rude and have poor emotional intelligence.

ProperLavs · 04/01/2018 15:58

and OP you are also the kind of person who happily chucks someone out of your house for not very much, that's also rude.

I think you have a poor grasp of quite basic social interaction. Perhaps this is something you could work on, it would make your life easier.
Although I'm sure you don't give a shit, which is fine, but your friendships will be limited, but maybe you don't give a shit about that either. Each to their own.

How's the moat coming along btw?

mrsharrison · 04/01/2018 15:59

Properlavs I totally agree with you.
The best lessons in etiquette come from our parents. Mine were very social and treated guests like minor royalty.

My dad would have torn me off a strip if I'd made a guest feel embarrassed.

The only time i threw someone out was a male friend who was drunk and in my face, intimidating.

Hissy · 04/01/2018 16:02

A 'No" without any kind of further explanation is always going to be rude.

Christ, some mumsnetters are very sensitive.

yup, those who's kids melt in the rain, the ones who never hear the word no, and feel that it doesn't apply to them.

No is just no. it really isn't exclusively rude, and certainly not in the way the OP said she used it.

1st time - getting something out of the oven - a laugh and the word no
2nd time - in mid conversation with other guests/family - a simple no
3rd time - a no and backed up with 'There will be no tour' from her H

EVEN THEN Wander Woman® felt entitled to go upstairs anyway

ProperLavs · 04/01/2018 16:06

I disagree Hissy, it's rude, being offended by it isn't precious.
But then the world is made up of people who have different life experiences , those who are generally more abrasive and have no idea or indeed care about how they affect other people.

I would certainly rather err on the sensitive side than the crass and hurtful one.

ProperLavs · 04/01/2018 16:07

and it's not about the message of the the word NO it's how it is said. That is the difference. It's not that hard to understand.

mrsharrison · 04/01/2018 16:11

Guest makes mundane request.
Host laughs at guest and says no.
In my world that is just rude and none of my friends would do that. That's why they're my friends.

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