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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I asked my guest to leave my home.

999 replies

bubblesdrew · 02/01/2018 22:44

We built a house a couple of fields away from some neighbours.

I met the husband at the local shop a couple of months after we got settled & after some chat asked if him and his wife would like to join us, friends & family for a New Years Eve dinner.

His wife and himself arrived that night and they were initially great. During conversation she asked for a tour of the house and I said no (not in a rude way). 20 minutes later she said again that she would like a tour of the house and again I said no. Then a THIRD time she asked and at that point my husband stepped in and said that there wouldn't be a tour.

She used the bathroom numerous times in the night which is located under the stairs. My niece was in our room at the top of the stairs past the closet which eventually leads into the master bedroom.

This woman had climbed the stairs later in the night when she asked to be excused for the bathroom went through my closet and into the master bedroom. My niece flew down and told my husband who marched upstairs and quietly asked her to leave. She claimed she was lost but, she had used the bottom bathroom all night!!
Should I have given her a tour or was she being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
GoldenBrows · 03/01/2018 14:48

What kind of town do some of you people live? You're so far up each other's behinds that a neighbour not giving near-strangers a look around their home makes the most scandalous gossip! I just don't...can't...what? Also, of course your home should be for you and your family and not for busy bodies who don't have a life to come around and talk about behind your back anyway! Sounds like it's all just so people have something to b*tch about - "ooh did you see they chose a yellow wallpaper in the child's room?" Bonkers.

MsHarry · 03/01/2018 14:48

So ingrained is the house tour in my psyche, that I even gave callers who came to express sympathy after my mum died the tour. blush

Hmm
Marcine · 03/01/2018 14:51

Butchy - but when you ask your new neighbour for a tour of their house, surely you mean 'show me your bedroom'? You can already see the kitchen and living room, you want to see the usually private areas not used for entertaining.

ButchyRestingFace · 03/01/2018 14:51

hmm

Presumably that is supposed to mean something?

YogaDrone · 03/01/2018 14:52

Butchy Grin and Flowers for your loss.

I'm with you - a "tour" isn't like a tour of Blenheim Palace it's a quick whoosh round so your visitor has an understand of what the hell you are on about when you say "the spare room is a bit of a weird shape so I'm thinking of doing x, y & z", or, as in the last place I lived - "Christ the wallpaper in the dining room is giving me migraines"!

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2018 14:53

Her behaviour after that night was very strange. Well now your not going to be on good terms now that you asked her to leave. Why if she is a neighbour would she be staying over anyway, very strange.

MsHarry · 03/01/2018 14:53

I know someone like this. She always comments on anything new I am wearing, car I am driving, new decor etc. She is very concerned with outward appearance. Last time I saw her she asked if I still had my car( I l have a quirky car, had it 5 years, owe nothing on it, it's reliable)Yes I replied, why? she thought I might fancy a change. Just wouldn't occur to me to ask someone that. It made me realise that every time I see her she is wearing something new, redecorating or planning the next trip. It's just how some people are. I'm quite the opposite in that I get a thrill from old things with a history.

ButchyRestingFace · 03/01/2018 14:53

Butchy - but when you ask your new neighbour for a tour of their house, surely you mean 'show me your bedroom'?

I live in a flat. I would just give them a tour, including kitchen, study and bedroom(s). Wouldn’t take long. But no, it definitely doesn’t mean “I want to see your bedroom”.

Like I say, it’s just the accepted thing in my experience/neck of the woods. Smile

PaxUniversalis · 03/01/2018 14:54

@ButchyRestingFace
and definitely no cleaning

This is where I get stressed. Our house is clean. This is not the problem. BUT I am not a minimalist person and I have a lot of stuff. To others my house will probably look very cluttered. It probably is. The result of holding on to things and collecting things for years and things being hades down from grandparents (not random stuff but things I love and use).

A lot of our friends' houses are super tidy. i.e. hardly anything on the kitchen counter, no paperwork to be seen anywhere, no books (we have loads of books!), everything neatly put away out of sight. I get embarrassed by my own 'untidiness' (compared to their houses).

PaxUniversalis · 03/01/2018 14:54

Typo - 'handed down'

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2018 14:55

Yes a tour is, this is the mater bedroom, and encsuit, door close, then this is the bathroom, this is the lounge etc. If you keep talking about your house and work done, it is natural to want a brief tourx

ButchyRestingFace · 03/01/2018 14:56

BUT I am not a minimalist person and I have a lot of stuff.

So do I. I would feel a bit short changed at being given a tour of a sterile, showroom home, tbh. Grin

nevereverafter · 03/01/2018 14:58

No, but it would seem from quite a few replies on here that the bedroom(s) would be expected to be part of any tour along with the rest of the house

Most guests get to see the downstairs of a house - it's usually the living room, dining room, kitchen and downstairs bathroom so expecting a tour on top of that can only meet wanting a nosy in the bedrooms. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd like a look around an old house such as Paxes or maybe if a house was particularly interesting but otherwise I wouldn't be interested.

mewkins · 03/01/2018 14:58

I have been given lots of tours of people's homes, particularly if they've just moved in, renovated or want to show me eg. A nursery That's been decorated. I probably have asked to have a look around if it's a new house as I want them to know I am interested. Every single friend has been delighted to show off their house, talk about plans of what they want to Do with it etc.

OP, I am guessing that your house is pretty impressive from your description it sounds like it's straight out of Grand Designs. Personally If I had a house like that I would expect people to want a look round and I would have certainly either showed them the whole place or else just apologise that there were teenagers upstairs so just show around the downstairs.

She was nuts (possibly drunk) to go on a wander. I would have called her out on it but not thrown her out unless she was also rude in other ways.

This possibly sounds like the most awkward new years party ever.

womblinglove · 03/01/2018 14:59

Pax - we also have a rambling, rather knackerde 17th C farmhouse full of erm...tat....But we love it and everyone else seems to aswell!

ButchyRestingFace · 03/01/2018 15:00

Yes a tour is, this is the mater bedroom, and encsuit, door close, then this is the bathroom, this is the lounge etc. If you keep talking about your house and work done, it is natural to want a brief tour

Yes, perhaps “whistlestop tour” would be more a propos.

It definitely isn’t something I linger over, going over colour schemes or anything.

Hatsoffdear · 03/01/2018 15:03

Oh well I see it’s obviously a cultural thing that has passed bf by.

Thank fuck for that.

It’s like a friend constantly saying ‘oh do you like my hair? Do I look fat in this dress? Do you like the colour in my bathroom?’

Jesus needy and tedious.

Marcine · 03/01/2018 15:03

If say, you invite someone round for coffee, you'd expect them to see your kitchen while you made drinks, your living room while you drink them, and to direct them to the toilet. The only other places to see if they ask for a tour is bedrooms, which are usually private.

As I say, it clearly is a particular cultural expectation, but I can't imagine going to a new house for the first time and wanting to see bedrooms, and would find it very odd if someone came to my house and wanted to see my bedroom.

The only exception for me would be close friends/family who want to show you a new house or renovations.

ButchyRestingFace · 03/01/2018 15:05

Jesus needy and tedious

And you’re needlessly rude and unpleasant. Unfortunately that’s something that cuts across all cultures.

ButchyRestingFace · 03/01/2018 15:07

As I say, it clearly is a particular cultural expectation, but I can't imagine going to a new house for the first time and wanting to see bedrooms, and would find it very odd if someone came to my house and wanted to see my bedroom.

This particular scenario is certainly unusual.

I just can’t envisage inviting near strangers over for NYE celebrations.

treaclesoda · 03/01/2018 15:08

Also, of course your home should be for you and your family and not for busy bodies who don't have a life to come around and talk about behind your back anyway! Sounds like it's all just so people have something to btch about - "ooh did you see they chose a yellow wallpaper in the child's room?" Bonkers.*

On the other hand I think it's bonkers that you would assume that the only reason someone is interested in your house is because they want to slag it off. Confused

I sometimes read threads on mumsnet and think that I feel like I'm almost the only person here who actually likes my friends.

treaclesoda · 03/01/2018 15:10

Although I hasten to add that I do think the visitor in the OP's post was shockingly rude.

womblinglove · 03/01/2018 15:11

Our house is pretty much open door. We have quite a few children and all their friends, ours , family are always welcome.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2018 15:19

My husband, also scottish, has the view that if it's architecturally interesting, then a tour is the norm, but he'd never want to see round someone's bog standard new two up two down. Where as I feel if your friend invites you to their new home it's polite to show an interest. You only do it when someone has jist moved in or renovated, you don't if they have lived there ages.

As said earlier, we also live in an old listed building and people ask us to see around. I think the difference with the Scots and English is, and it's predominanly english folks who ask, as we live in the south, normally the English are a little more meek about it. Like they are making a big slightly unreasonable request. The Scots see it as the norm, the ones I know anyway.

Possibly as I'm scottish and as I'm tidy I'm happy to oblige.

There is a big however, if I was still in one of my previous more normal houses and had been there a long time and someone said can I have a tour I'd think they were friggen weird and I'd possibly say no.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2018 15:19

Fucking rude to ask for a tour of someone's house. I've stayed at a mate's home three times and I still haven't seen all of it. Would never dream of asking to see her bedroom and bathroom. None of my business.