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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I asked my guest to leave my home.

999 replies

bubblesdrew · 02/01/2018 22:44

We built a house a couple of fields away from some neighbours.

I met the husband at the local shop a couple of months after we got settled & after some chat asked if him and his wife would like to join us, friends & family for a New Years Eve dinner.

His wife and himself arrived that night and they were initially great. During conversation she asked for a tour of the house and I said no (not in a rude way). 20 minutes later she said again that she would like a tour of the house and again I said no. Then a THIRD time she asked and at that point my husband stepped in and said that there wouldn't be a tour.

She used the bathroom numerous times in the night which is located under the stairs. My niece was in our room at the top of the stairs past the closet which eventually leads into the master bedroom.

This woman had climbed the stairs later in the night when she asked to be excused for the bathroom went through my closet and into the master bedroom. My niece flew down and told my husband who marched upstairs and quietly asked her to leave. She claimed she was lost but, she had used the bottom bathroom all night!!
Should I have given her a tour or was she being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 03/01/2018 10:26

Some people just have boring, plain houses so can't understand why some people would want tours of more interesting houses. At least they won't have to worry about refusing a tour - doubt they would get asked Grin

whiskyowl · 03/01/2018 10:30

Whaaaaaat?? How utterly and completely rude and lacking in boundaries! Your niece must have been truly alarmed to see a strange lady wandering into her room at night, how utterly awful for her.

mumpoints · 03/01/2018 10:31

The neighbour was (presumably) invited for company, conversation, good times, getting to know each other, something to eat, a drink or two, hospitality... not to look at someone's bedroom. The neighbour spoiled it by stepping over the mark.

Where does it stop? "Can I look at your diary? Heating bills? Bank statements?!"

Whatever, the point was you didn't want people roaming through your home, yet she asked and asked and then did it anyway. That was awful.

Emmasmum2013 · 03/01/2018 10:34

@mumpoints - "Why give someone that much power over your life?! No is a no."
Really?? So much power? She only wanted a little look round her nice new house.

I agree with @Aspergallus, it is weird be so welcoming as to invite strangers to your home for NYE and then tell them a flat "no" when they ask to see the house.

Couchpotato3 · 03/01/2018 10:35

Respect to your DH for turning her out, the cheeky mare!

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2018 10:39

Fascinating thread.

For many people the norm is if you move to a new house or renovate then if someone asks for a tour you oblige. As said before it's the chance for the host to show off and the guest to say how fabulous it is. It's fine to say no but many would see it as a bit odd. You don't ask if someone has lived there for awhile.

The woman behaved terribly, but I do think a flat "no" was rude. Yes in some instances it is a complete sentence. When someone needs to be told. But when it's guests in your home it's more standard to soften it at the first request with a little explanation rather than just a blunt no and then a change in conversation.

Either way good relations with the neighbours is now dead in the water.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 03/01/2018 10:39

Maybe the curiosity as to why she wasn't allowed was too much for her!

In which case she is just a rude and entitled nosey cunt.

whiskyowl · 03/01/2018 10:41

But you can say "no" in a non-rude way bluntness. How about "No, afraid not, the kids are sleeping upstairs, and we have our niece staying who is a bit shy, so we'll have to skip it for now. Sorry, maybe another time!"

DoinItForTheKids · 03/01/2018 10:42

Firmly in the camp of why would you say yes to someone wanting a tour of your home. If OP had said to her - oh do come round, we'd love to show you round, well, that would have been overtly the point of the evening. But she decided to invite neighbours on New Year's Eve (how kind of her) to help get to know them. All sounds good from this point. They were clearly invited for a meal.

When asked for a tour she said no. Now, there is NO onus on OP to have to explain why that is - it's her house, her choice.

The fact that will woman walked (repeatedly?) in on a child in their bedroom - she must be bloody tapped! TOTALLY inappropriate behaviour, alarming for the child, and putting herself at risk should that child have been really upset about it - you don't just walk into someone's home and go into children's bedrooms, a random stranger, no matter how strongly you want to see what their house looks like!

I'm utterly baffled. To those saying well in Scotland we always get offered a tour, the clue's in that statement. Offered. Offered and it's a cultural norm. It's not where OP lives, it wasn't offered, it was like an upper floor only one woman home invasion! How fucking rude to treat someone who's been so kind as to host you in their private home with other valued members of their family - and you're such a batshit loon that you're happy to throw that back into their faces on the night (!) by secretly going round their private rooms on your own because you are determined to have your way!

I'm surprised, with the involvement of the child in this instance, that DH restrained himself from actually throwing them out of the front door. If someone went upstairs in my house and went upstairs into my son or daughter's room, and without my permission, I'd not be responsible for my actions .

Hissy · 03/01/2018 10:44

Why do we have to come up with an excuse to back up our decisions?

Men don't have issues saying no, why can't women respond to a question with a clear and polite no?

Intercom · 03/01/2018 10:44

If you come for a coffee here you'll see the room we've been able to decorate nicely and the averagely presentable front door. Go upstairs and you'll see where we haven't been able to afford to repair or decorate, worn-through carpet, the laundry basket, paperwork, clutter that needs sorting out, and a very dull view of the backs of other houses. You won't see a single interesting architectural feature or design idea or whatever else you might be looking for. Not sending people I don't know very well upstairs is about maintaining privacy and dignity.

DoinItForTheKids · 03/01/2018 10:44

I TOTALLY disagree that there was any onus on OP to explain why a tour wasn't on the cards. None at all.

No is meant to be no, right?

In fact, if someone just answered 'No' if I'd asked (not that I would) I'd have thought oooh that's definitely a no been given, I'll not ask again. Just because this guest had the emotional intelligence of a slab of granite, she obviously missed it (along with a considerable failure to understand the basics of the English language).

Hissy · 03/01/2018 10:44

The fact that will woman walked (repeatedly?) in on a child in their bedroom

I read that is was the child's mother that had popped in to check on her DD watching the DVD, not the rude invasion woman

BrownTurkey · 03/01/2018 10:45

Bet she was reporting back to a friend who egged her on. Probably took pictures too. V rude.

Hissy · 03/01/2018 10:47

I wonder if she used the 'numerous' loo visits to scope out the ground floor.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 03/01/2018 10:49

Some people just have boring, plain houses so can't understand why some people would want tours of more interesting houses. At least they won't have to worry about refusing a tour - doubt they would get asked

I would imagine 95% of people live in ‘boring plain houses’, however, I doubt that’s the reason for some people feeling uncomfortable for whatever reason with showing people around their bedrooms.

whiskyowl · 03/01/2018 10:49

hissy - in the original post it sounds like the woman walked into the bedroom next to the niece's, causing her to become scared? It's not totally clear, though - partly because I'd have thought OP and her partner would have slept in the master bedroom, which is the one the woman entered, and her explanation suggests that they don't.

"My niece was in our room at the top of the stairs past the closet which eventually leads into the master bedroom. This woman had climbed the stairs later in the night when she asked to be excused for the bathroom went through my closet and into the master bedroom.

Hissy · 03/01/2018 10:51

Yes, but I think she only went into that room once, I think Doingit thought she'd gone in repeatedly

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2018 10:51

But you can say "no" in a non-rude way bluntness. How about "No, afraid not, the kids are sleeping upstairs, and we have our niece staying who is a bit shy, so we'll have to skip it for now. Sorry, maybe another time!"

Exactly, that's softening it, it's not just "no"

And I don't think this is gender related, my husband and all the men I know wouldn't just say no end of unless they wished to be rude/blunt. It's a social norm to expand upon the no somewhat to soften it as whisky owl did above.

So for me, fault on both sides, but the op was only a little rude, but the woman behaved outrageously.

My only concern would be as she went to the loo "numerous times" that she was ill and had something like Ibs and was embarrassed and trying to find another loo rather than be ill in the downstairs loo, hence why she kept asking and hence why she went looking. That she maybe didn't feel comfortable in saying she had the runs and needed a more private toilet.

MsHarry · 03/01/2018 10:52

YANBU for not doing a tour at that time when you are hosting. I perhaps would have said, come round for a coffee one day and i'll show you round then.

However, I do think it's a bit weird to invite strangers to join you for a NYE dinner.

She sounds bonkers!

Emmasmum2013 · 03/01/2018 10:52

@Hissy - if we had guests and they asked to see the house, and my DH said "no" I think he'd get the exact same backlash I would.
This is nothing to do with a woman saying no as opposed to a man. Why would you think that??

DoinItForTheKids · 03/01/2018 10:52

I did, I apologise. I think she went upstairs several times (with each loo visit it seems)!

Hissy · 03/01/2018 10:54

His wife and himself arrived that night and they were initially great. During conversation she asked for a tour of the house and I said no (not in a rude way). 20 minutes later she said again that she would like a tour of the house and again I said no. Then a THIRD time she asked and at that point my husband stepped in and said that there wouldn't be a tour.

not in a rude way.

OP said No. She also said she could have come up with an excuse, but didn't, she just said no and left it at that.

No IS an acceptable answer.

'Because I don't want to' is a good enough reason.

whiskyowl · 03/01/2018 10:55

Hissy - does it really make a difference if she was in there once or lots of times? You don't just go walking into someone's bedroom, especially when you've been told that you can't have a tour! The main thing was the niece was clearly scared by her behaviour - and let's be honest, who wouldn't be alarmed to see a strange person wandering around outside their bedroom?- so she compounded rudeness with frightening a child.

Willow2017 · 03/01/2018 10:55

Emma
Op doesnt have to give a reason. But she didnt want to show someone she just met properly round her private bedrooms and bathroom. Thats plenty reason enough.

She invited them round to get to know them not to 'show off' her house.
Why isnt it her absolute right to say no to people nosing around in her own home? An invitation for a nice evening of dinner and good company isnt enough?