Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

726 replies

FrancinePefco · 02/01/2018 07:55

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet firstSad

OP posts:
Original poster
FrancinePefco · 02/01/2018 09:57

Leedsnew
I would love to live near you and I would invite you for a cuppa or BBQ
Flowers

OP posts:
cleofatra · 02/01/2018 09:57

We would actually have to buy a BBQ too lol

Roussette · 02/01/2018 09:59

But Jueneau that scenario of having people over is the same for everyone! Anyone who entertains has lists, expense, mess, clearing up next day. It's no different for the entertainers but I suppose the difference is as I'm ploughing through the clearing up with DH, we laugh at the night before, the funny things that happened, the pleasure of seeing people enjoy themselves in our house.

Balloon someone needs to talk to your NYE friends, sound them out as to whether they want to carry on doing it year after year or if they're like me... waiting for that elusive invitation.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 02/01/2018 09:59

I think it’s good for my DCs to see that we are hospitable and kind. They can all invite their friends too, and it’s a good way to get to know the parents of their friends.

Unfortunately all this hospitality and generosity has rubbed off and I feel substantially less hospitable when my 16 yo wants to host another party. 😬 😩

ppeatfruit · 02/01/2018 10:04

This is a fascinating thread, we also were hardly ever invited back by old friends etc. when we lived in suburban London. Since living in rural Fr. we have been asked back by all our village neighbours. (with smaller houses or whatever).

I think it may be a cultural thing. The lady who sold us her house even threw a party for all the village to meet us!!!!

We ask people to bring dishes and put out drinks for people to help themselves. At one of our parties ALL the guests helped me wash up AND clear up!!!!! Wonderful!!!

Dox · 02/01/2018 10:04

OP I bet all those people genuinely love your parties and appreciate your hosting. I would.
Introvert v extrovert.

I have a lovely friend who has regular parties for huge numbers. She is good at it and is what I call a people collector because she maintains a huge circle of friends.
I'd never dare hold a dinner or drinks party as I don't know enough people to invite and I would think people wouldn't come. I'm far too introvert to do such a thing but I admire people who do.
What I can do though is quietly help my friend with the catering and contribute to drink and food.

Roussette · 02/01/2018 10:06

Also, those people who don't want mess in their house, why not have people round in the summer, garden chairs, rugs, nibbles, no need to even go for the whole shebang. Or ask people to bring a plate of summer food.

I'm with you francine I certainly won't stop doing it because I love having people round and over the last 20 years of being here, I suppose it's only been a couple of times I've been really quite miffed at someone not stepping up to it. There's no resentment from one year to the next, it was just CF NDN assuming she was coming here that did it for me.

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2018 10:07

I think it's the effort for some. We have a friend who used to host a lot, well, take her turn, but now doesn't, but always goes to others. I'd noticed when she was still hosting but slowing it down it was becoming a major effort to her, the cleaning, shopping, cooking, and what was once easy was becoming too much like hard work and stressful.

I think it's the same for a lot of people. It's a lot of effort and expense, and they don't wish to endure either. I don't think it's personal about you, it's simply about them and how they cope with hosting.

Roussette · 02/01/2018 10:08

Dox What I can do though is quietly help my friend with the catering and contribute to drink and food...

You sound like my sort of guest, that's so appreciated by hosters.

cleofatra · 02/01/2018 10:09

I think you have to consider how many people some have to invite to parties as well.
Our (wonderful) neighbours invite us when they have parties but we have no party friends so it would just be them. Happy to have just them obv but its a bit ordinary.

Original poster
FrancinePefco · 02/01/2018 10:10

Part of the reason we have a 20 year plus friendship with our closest, closest friends once popped over unannounced soon after my first DS was born. My DH was cooking dinner (an M&S pie, oven chips and peas - about the limit of his competence) but he shared out what the two of us were going to have amongst the four us. Nothing flash or impressive - but hopefully generous and kind. We'll continue doing that because we enjoy it.

OP posts:
PaxUniversalis · 02/01/2018 10:10

OP, I haven't read the whole thread but are you and your OH 'natural born hosts', i.e. do you make it all look simple, stress-free and flawless (even if you have put in a tremendous amount of preparation and effort)? This could potentially put people off hosting themselves.

I personally like the idea of hosting but in reality we hardly ever do. And when we do, it's a nibbles & drinks event, or a wine and cheese evening. Very casual.
I get stressed by even thinking of giving a traditional dinner party!

DH and I are not exactly the 'minimalist' types and our house is always full of stuff (e.g. not many surfaces are free) so we'd need to declutter first.
Also our house (which was a complete doer upper when we bought it) is work in progress; we get building work done in stages whenever we have the money for it, so guests may see the peeling wallpaper, the crumbling plaster and the broken floorboards should they ever go upstairs. Our house is quite chaotic compared to some of our friends' houses. Some of our friends are super tidy!
I know it's a silly reason not to host but I get stressed over it.

If I'm perfectly honest I'd rather invite another couple - or even two couples - out for dinner to a restaurant and pay for the whole lot. No stress, no cooking, no preparing, no washing up and not being judged. I know it would cost us a lot of money but sometimes it seems like an easy, stress-free solution.

Barbie222 · 02/01/2018 10:11

I don’t go to big gatherings or host them either unless I really have to. I’m afraid I’d be unlikely to invite you in for coffee either unless I felt like I had something in common with you as I find small talk really hard. You mention dropping kids off, are these people having your children for play dates? I’d see that as reciprocating, if you see what I mean. We can’t all force ourselves into your personality type. Although I agree it’s rude to keep going every year, have you thought that maybe they will be concerned you’ll be offended if they make an excuse?

Roussette · 02/01/2018 10:12

Bluntness I think I'm going to become like your friend... I'm over 60 and it is a huge amount of effort, me and DH have been entertaining over 30 years. Summer parties, live music, BBQs, live sport matches and buffets, christmas drinks blah blah. Had 21 here on Boxing Day and I'm barely over it! I would just like to sit back and go to other peoples houses a bit more now, but not sure that's going to happen, perhaps we'll just become hermits.

Hopeful103 · 02/01/2018 10:13

I disagree with Nomorechickens. Just because you have possible issues which could be anything it doesn't excuses always taking and never giving. So in that case don't accept invites if you aren't going to reciprocate.

DamsonGin · 02/01/2018 10:13

If love to, I really would. We used to have great house parties pre-kids but a mixture of SEN, a small house, a not very sociable DH and my anxiety means we don't, bar with one family who are in pretty much the same boat and equally need to keep things low key, structured and brief.

I do love invites, especially where we can just pop in for a bit, but they are very few and far between. I'd give anything for a half decent social life.

BalloonSlayer · 02/01/2018 10:15

Well it won't be me, and they aren't really friends, Rousette, as I said I am never invited Grin

I do think it's "their thing" though.

Pearlsaringer · 02/01/2018 10:20

I’m guilty of this, the thought of hosting puts me into a panic. I also hate having overnight guests. Mixture of reasons over the years, all better expressed above by previous posters. Shouty sweary teen definitely resonates!

I find people who do host generally enjoy it, though of course it’s hard work. I try to give good value as a guest instead but tbh I’d be just as happy not to be invited. I draw the line at any kind of themed or fancy dress gathering so maybe this would filter out your non-hosters!

Flicketyflack · 02/01/2018 10:28

Why the expectation to be invited to theirs?

I remember the saying 'you do not give to receive '

Hold your events because you enjoy them & for that reason alone. This way you will not be disappointed 😉

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2018 10:30

And don't invite those who take the piss, easy!

Thetreesareallgone · 02/01/2018 10:36

I hate hosting and all my friends know that, and know the chances of getting a dinner party or party invite back are, well, minimal.

I'm a super-guest though, always take something nice, am very appreciative, turn up to everything, never back out at the last minute.

I'm also happy to host them for lunch (bread and cheese and salami plus salad every time!) and for endless cups of tea. We have had the odd BBQ over the years as well, very informal.

My friends seem not to mind this inequity as I'm up front about it and welcoming to the extent I can be, given I hate to host parties/dinner parties!

usainbolt · 02/01/2018 10:36

I don't want the invites to peoples parties in the first place - ok with friends, but the neighbours throw summer, winter parties and I do not want to attend. I have declined for many years but the invitiations keep on coming. I only go out of sufferance.

Original poster
FrancinePefco · 02/01/2018 10:38

Flicketyflack

Why the expectation to be invited to theirs? Not so much an "expectation" - more of a curiosity as to why someone might not want to reciprocate. This thread has been enlightening from that POV.

I remember the saying you do not give to receive
I do too. And agree. However I would not want my family to get taken advantage of. Interestingly, my teenage daughter is hosting at ours tonight - so it seems to run in the family.

OP posts:
Thetreesareallgone · 02/01/2018 10:40

It's a bit like children's parties though, isn't it? I did one every year for each child, always quite a decent size, yet some people never have a party or even a 'three kids go to the cinema' event for their children's birthdays, there were children who came 6 years in a row who never ever had a party (which is their parent's issue obviously). I don't care if they don't, I'm doing the party for my own child. I think you should always do parties because you find them fun, and you want to do them, and if you don't- don't do them!

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 02/01/2018 10:40

Kids who don’t sleep in a bungalow. Their bedrooms were just too close to the kitchen (for a dinner party) or the lounge (for a drinks party) and we’d have to deal with the fallout for days afterwards. As we were already chronically sleep deprived we just couldn’t face it. I always invited people round for a cuppa in the daytime though - there’s no excuse for that! Now the dcs are older and sleep I’m a lot better at organising things. It wasn’t rudeness, it was tiredness!
Sounds like your neighbours are takers though if they can’t even offer a cuppa.