Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

From MN threads I have learnt that our house would be extremely offensive in its general half-clean messiness (to adults). Luckily, I rarely get invited to anyone's home, so no guilt anyway.

I dunno, we always host a huge number more playdates than DC were invited back to. I assume other people can't be asked? I don't mind, except when the other parent says "Oh we must have your child back to ours!" but makes zero arrangements to ever make this happen. Why be so cruel as to get my DC's hopes up? grrrrr.

Frankly, your guests have no manners. It's not as if you are asking for a massive party to reciprocare. If they don't even ask you for a coffee or to take you out for a lunch or coffee if they hate their houses, then they are merely using you.

We hold two big parties a year. This year is scaled down as children are getting older and are included. I have had THREE people ask me, if I was having a party as they usually get invited. None of the three have invited me to their home since our last party in the early summer. And two have NEVER invited me out over the years.

All appear to be fully functional adults with social lives. So rude.

Mostly it's because they're selfish.

Or a reason detailed above.

I have now stopped hosting people who don't host (unless there's a reason that isn't selfishness). I'm still friends, but just meet these people out. I'm much happier for it.

I love the idea of it. But time to prep and tidy and extra money for food and drink can all be barriers to a full on party.

I don't actually like having people in my house, I'm a rubbish host, and don't like people very much. I would not go to theirs if there was not a level of insistence that I feel uncomfortable turning down.

THIS!

I’m embarrassed by my house, it’s not that nice. I’d rather go to a friends who has a great entertaining area, and bring booze and nibbles- she has a better set up for the kids to run riot with outdoor play equipment that I don’t have. I (think) it works well. If I hosted the kids would be bored and underfoot. But we keep getting invited back and I keep providing the gin so it seems to work well 😁

Just for clarification, this is group that live typically no more than 10-15 mins drive away - close enough for some of them to regularly drive to ours but then walk home. We are pretty generous on the and but never anything too flash or posh.

We have one set of relatives like this. Everyone else hosts periodically. They always come to such events but never host. They have a lovely house & no mental health issues. I know they don't like cooking. But when our kids were young we hosted a halloween party & ordered an Indian takeaway (family knew situations & were happy with this plan) to make it doable. So there are ways around it.

I think they just don't like doing it tbh & feel they're doing enough by attending events to stay in touch. Personally I would feel awkward always being hosted & never reciprocating & it mildly annoys. But it's not a huge deal. But then others in the group do their bit. I hope someone steps up for you next year OP.

@BarbarianMum your friends won’t give a jot about your house and I’m sure it’s perfectly fine. I have a massive pile of washing I’ve just dumped on the floor and sorted into different piles, the place is a riot and if any of friends popped in right now they wouldn’t care, nor would I if it was theirs.

So you have one or two big parties a couple of times a year, where all the neighbours come over? Some neighbours of ours do that, with three or four families from the street. I know all of these families, incuding the hosts, well enough to attend a big gathering, where there are drinks and we can manage to keep up conversation as there are enough people, and it is not too often. However, I don't know any of them well enough, including the hosts, to want to have them round individually. It would be awkward and uncomfortable. They are nice people, but they have very different political views to me and we would have little to talk about one on one. Feeling guilty, in ten years I have twice invited them round to ours in a group, with other neighbours. I'm the only one of the group of neighbours to have done this too. But it felt like I was copying their idea, even stealing it. The big neighbourhood parties are their thing. I had to come up with a different reason to host one at mine.

I personally hate having people over (and by having people over, I mean, they come and stay for the weekend, our closest friends all live at least 2 hours away). So I frankly invite them as little as possible! It's expensive (3 meals a day for 2-3 days, all of which we pay for), cleaning, sheets and towels to wash, etc. So I hate it. We both work full-time and have small children and a thousand other things to do. Our friends are still mostly child-free and have loads more free time. Though they don't invite us over nearly as much as we invite them (because we have children to drag along to everything), I still really hate it and it's way more work than it's worth. I love them, but I really don't want to see them enough to go through all of the hassle!

I think frankly some people just don't want the pressure or the extra work of getting the house ready to host or the time it takes to squeeze in an extra food shop between work and the school runs. What I try to do as much as possible though is to offer to meet up somewhere (so neither of us has to host) or if we are invited, to bring food or drink. What about having people over, but asking everyone to bring something? That way you still see people, but the work is not all on you. Though to be fair, I'd have people over more often if they didn't expect to stay for the whole damn weekend...

We have had this same situation for many years. One set of friends who came to stay with us for many years, always made promises of 'you must come to us' which was never followed up. I did a little experiment - I stopped inviting them waiting to see if they would reciprocate. They didn't and we didn't see them for ages. We are very long time friends and it was upsetting. I know my friend finds it hard to cater and she would always say she's not a good cook etc. The thing is, we don't care if we have take aways or chuck ready meals in the oven. We just like spending time with them.

I think if you're a good host and seemingly can chuck meals together at the drop of a hat (when in fact you've spent hours preparing so you have as little to do as possible when friends arrive) it can be daunting and they don't feel they can equal your hospitality.

I had the same situation with a family member. Always came to ours. I did ask him why he never invited us to theirs. His reply was that it was nice for my DN to get out of the house and he loved coming to ours .
I agree with PP about givers and takers.

Some people hate hosting or having people in their personal space.

Basically this! My home is my sanctuary away from the outside world, I'd never throw a party in it. Tbh I'm not a huge fan of going to drinks/dinner parties but if you say no all the time, you end up with no friends. I'm not a very good host as I overthink things. But I try and mitigate my lack of hosting by being a generous guest when I accept others invitations. I also do make an effort to invite individuals/couples over for coffee.

I think there's two types of people who don't host.

Type A - has a perfectly valid reason ie house too small or whatever. They bring wine/flowers/generous amount, and pitch in with clearing away. Type A is fine.

Type B - could easily host, but don't because it's much easier & cheaper for someone else to do it. Bring 1 bottle of wine, and drink 2. Type B are not fine.

I am totally with you on this Francine but it's been about 20 years here with a group of neighbours in a small road. Everyone has had people round at least once, except for one couple. I have people round more because I like entertaining but I am getting fed up with being the go-to option and people assuming it will always be me.

Every year I organise a meal and have people round for drinks beforehand which at most is for an hour before we go out. How hard is that? Open a bag of crisps, red wine white wine, get it down yer necks, out the door. This year the lazy neighbour said 'are we coming to yours beforehand as normal?' I said no I'm not doing it this year. Her face was . Because I didnt do it, it didn't happen! No other bugger stepped in at all, so we all went seperately for our meal, and a big shame not to get together beforehand. Someone said 'oh there's too many of us'..... Errrrmmm I had more round last year so what's the problem.

I was trying to shame lazy neighbour into having everyone round and FWIW I know her very well, I know her house (clean, tidy, same size as mine) I know she has no problems, she is just a taker, and always will be and once said to me she prefers going to other peoples houses.

Well... the worm has turned and I'm not going to bother so much (I have people round twice a year). Let's see if anyone else steps up.

As a PP said, Some people are givers/hosters, some are takers/not hosters. My brother's and SIL's house is dilapidated in parts and needs lots of work, they have very little spare cash (some of the excuses given above) but I think they host gatherings of some sort several times a month for adults or teenage kiss. they are known as generous and welcoming hosts.
I am not quite such a good hoster but absolutely love having people round, and always have a mental list of people I owe dinner to. I have friends who have never even paid for a coffee in return, whom I have known for 30 years.
If you like parties/ people you just have to live with the imbalance, I think

I do not enjoy hosting but would always reciprocate a dinner invitation in some way, usually by taking people out to dinner in a restaurant. However I do recognise there may be some truth in ZoopDragon's sentiments that hosting in your own home "deepens the friendship in a way nothing else can." Taking people out seems the best compromise between doing something I really dislike and not reciprocating at all which would be rude and fortunately I can afford to do so.

I was rarely able to have guests in my home when my abusive ex was still around. He never outright said no, it was far more subtle than that, such that it slowly became easier for me to just not bother and give all manner of plausible (or less plausible) reasons.

I think among my close friends and family there was an unspoken understanding of what was going on. Others maybe just thought I was rude. To be honest, I didn't even really admit it to myself until after he'd gone.

It's one of the nicest parts of feeling free in my own home now. I have people over and more importantly, so do my children. I don't even mind the red berry cider stain on the carpet that happened when my adult son had friends over for NYE.

You are therefore all welcome.

If people do not want to reciprocate, that's fine. But they should't really accept invites to other people's homes if they do not want to host themselves.

We don't do this at all, we actually would hate it . In the few times we have done this ie attended a party it has been because we haven't been able to worm our way out of it. Perhaps others don't want to come but feel they have to . Or they could just be too lazy or miserly to do a party ? I wouldn't feel too bad about it if I were you they turn up year on year so they obvs like you OP.

The thing is; most people don't like hosting. It's no where near as much fun as being a guest.

I remember one birthday when I was hosting, on my way to get someone a drink, stopped by another person as the toilet roll had run out; at that point I looked up and saw my friends (who don't reciprocate) having a laugh and a good time. I just thought, 'this just isn't fair'.

It took me till I was 40 to no longer invite these types, and now the friend group I have all take turns.

Yanbu op but as I get older I notice what a pp said there are givers and takers in life you are clearly the former.

I don't know how these eternal guests feel ok about their behaviour. Its not ok. It's only when you host that you appreciate the effort that goes into it. I respect any invite we get - slightly horrified when others "can't be bothered " to actually attend on the day after host has cleaned and shopped - what if everyone did that?!

"They may not have a guest loo."

I've never had a guest loo and never seen this as a reason not to invite people in (though I don't do dinner parties or anything like that).
Is it a faux pas to have people use the same toilet as you?

There could be many reasons why some people do not host and I like it that way OP. I like hosting, I like my own house and my own space and my own cooking and my own fridge full of nice cold drinks. Obviously I do go to events/meals/coffee in other people's houses when invited but often wish I hadn't bothered. The food might be unpleasant or the drinks warm or (my pet hate), a full sound system rigged up and hosts and other guests singing and playing so loud that there is no chance for conversation. Or situations where the hosts are so anxious to have everything perfect that no one can relax.
Within my circles we are probably mixed 50:50 with some of us hosting regularly and some seldom or never. I am very happy with the situation because some people make better hosts than guests and vice versa.

Yanbu, don't host anymore. People are taking advantage of yiur kindness.