Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

[ppeatfruit]

I always say positive things about houses . Am I being rude? I hope not, I notice if somewhere is cold though, even if it's beautiful , it doesn't feel welcoming to me!

[KERALA1]

I think as a point of etiquette if you are extremely posh you don't comment as its taken as read your house (mansion) will be lovely .

Normal circles I agree I would always say something nice. Never forget BIL on visiting our new house which we had put everything into and worked hard on and he didn't utter one comment about it not one. Went right off him after that.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Appreciate all the support. Over the weekend l am yet again being entertained but after that l may break out. I always admire peoples houses not because of anything fancy but maybe pictures or photos whatevler catches my eye.

[Taffeta]

That sounds tough Curlilox

I always comment on something nice when I see it in someone’s house, no matter how small.

“What a gorgeous mug!”
“Love that soap in your loo, smells divine”

etc.

And of course always gush about any food.

I think it’s odd ppl haven’t commented Nitro - I’d suggest they are either intimidated or jealous, or perhaps so lost in their own world/head they simply don’t notice.

[whiskyowl]

Surely if it's extremely posh you compliment the art or the antiques/designer classic furniture, though? It's still a compliment, just of a slightly different kind?

[Taffeta]

Fortunately I don’t know anyone extremely posh

I think it’s nice to do as you’re complimenting someone’s taste.

[Nitrobetty1]

Yes I’d always compliment something on visiting someone’s home to accept their hosting. I honestly don’t think my house is anything special but do wonder when no-one but immediate family ever compliments it or my hospitality.
Maybe it is jealousy I do remember one friend saying almost jokingly “oh but your house is perfect it doesn’t need anything done to it” - and one saying “Your garden....” then tailing off I THINK they were meaning it in a complimentary way but who knows?
I’m not stealth boasting. I’m anxious and socially lacking in confidence when it comes to having people to our house. But I do it & try to make it nice for guests. It would definitely help me if sometimes people could bring themselves to realise I’m not a snob or uptight or full of pride in my home & that a tiny complimentary comment would make such a difference to how I’m feel.

[Pluckedpencil]

I wouldn't comment because I guess if I am noticing to such an extent the decor and commenting on it, I feel like I am making a big deal out of something which isn't contingent to the visit. I.e. To see you and to eat food. I know I am in the minority but for me people commenting on my home makes me feel icky, even if it is positive. I would just rather not mention it! I know I will be in a minority here!! Just in case others are the same though.

[Taffeta]

I probably wouldn’t comment on decor or furnishings but something small like a mug or soap!

[MsHarry]

Plucked that looks warm and fun, exactly how it should be. when we were first married I worried about hosting well and whether people would like it. I took more notice of what was enjoyed at others houses and realised it was the warm welcome, enough to eat and drink, a good atmosphere.
My top tips:
1/Atmosphere- Clean house, fresh flowers(foliage from the garden), cheap candles or tealights and lamps(TURN THE BIG LIGHT OFF!!)and music.
2/Plenty to drink. Ask everyone to bring a bottle if it's too expensive or get creative with a punch. Be attentive to guests' glasses to invite them to help themselves.
3/Fill people up by making sure there are plenty of carbs so nobody leaves hungry.
4/Relax and about being less than perfect.

I have sen so many Come Dine With Me episodes where everything in the house is perfect, the food is fine dining but everyone has a boring time because the host is so up themselves. the best nights seem to be the home of hosts who are warm, welcoming and relaxed in their own homes.

[ppeatfruit]

Taffeta we know someone posh\ who was married to a Lord and the kitchen was just piles and piles of dirty stuff ( they had a cleaner, who only cleaned the sitting room it seemed We ate pheasant with lumps of shot in it yeuch!!!! ) Oh and the large dogs removed food from the dining table while we were eating !!!!!!

[ppeatfruit]

Give me someone normal and welcoming any time! Yes to switch off the main light and good music too.

[MsHarry]

Another tip is to think about inviting people for brunch. It's likely to cost less with less alcohol(maybe a Bucks Fizz?) and also be shorter as people have things to do at the weekend.

[Roussette]

Oh yes to the main light off... nothing worse than feeling like you are in a shop and my wrinkly face is better by dim light!

I love good music on too, I create playlists for dos depending on who's coming

[Ta1kinPeace]

I love having people round.
I have a high mess threshold.
Before kids DH and I owned the "party house" - small gathering every week, big one once a month MASSIVE one twice a year.

My kids are each allowed one or two massive parties a year (60 teens type massive)
they trash the place but its a blast

We never expected people to reciprocate or pay anything
they just brought booze and food and company

I have several very good friends whose houses I have never visited
I have never considered it a deal breaker

[Wineandrosesagain]

We host far more dinners/music events than we're invited to. It sometimes grates but I've never really worried about it too much. However, we did meet a family a few years ago, through our children's activities, who are great fun, lovely people and they've eaten at our home many times, had drinks, attended summer parties etc. We've taken their children on days out when they're working too. But lovely as they are, they never reciprocate. I can't really understand it as we all seem to get along so well. DH is of the view that they have busy lives (so do we!!) and if we enjoy their company that's a good enough reason to invite them. I do agree, but have realised that they don't consider us to be close enough to want to reciprocate. I know they socialise with other people in our circle, just not us, despite the many "oh we must get together soon, our turn...." and "so lovely of you to take the girls out for a fabulous day, we must take yours soon too....". Never happens, and I am about to give up thinking that it will .

[MsHarry]

Wine I've had that with SIL. She doesn't work, I work term time and in the hols I often take her DD out with mine as they are similar age. They have a great time but she never offers to take my DD out. I've stopped asking as I was starting to feel like a holiday club!

[SlimDogMillionaire]

I have a question for frequent hosts of medium sized gatherings, so say 5 or 6 couples plus kids not necessarily from the same friendship circle.

My dilemma is do you send out a group email so that everyone knows 'other' people are invited or do you email individually and say 'having a few friends over, hope you can make it'.

My problem is that unfortunately most of my friends live too far away to come for the day/evening and would need to stay over and we could only accommodate one family. That is what we tend to, invite one family at a time for the weekend.

I do have some other friends who are not so far away, 1 - 2 hours drive who could come for day/evening but this would mean someone driving for each couple. I worry that they couldn't be arsed. I also have quite a small house with no garden (no bouncy castles here!).

I would love to host more but am lacking in properly local friends and fret that it's too much trouble for others.

[MsHarry]

Love your name slimdog , I tend to host to local friends and family so only have the putting people up at Christmas generally as we don't have a spare room. Why not tell one of the families that you're thinking of doing a night and would they come if they couldn't drink or would they rather come on their own and stay?Sound them out.

[Wineandrosesagain]

MsHarry would you go so far as to ask your SIL if you could share some activities - so over the school holidays identify some and see if she would do one day and you another, for example? Put the ball in her court so to speak? Though I say that as someone who hasn't actually got the nerve to challenge my friend as I think she would see it as a bit in-your-face and a social faux pas. I'd find it much easier to have that conversation with a relative though .
slimdog For small gatherings I would generally speak to each individual but mention some others that are coming. Over Christmas we had various family from around the country coming to ours, and we can't accommodate all of them so I have sourced some good B&Bs and apartments locally via airbnb, checked availability and suggested to people if they don't want to drive they can check out these places to book (reasonable rates, must be quick re availability). Works well for us. We have some space so family know first come first served or onto the suggested airbnb (and some of them are fabulous - think converted barns etc, really reasonable price - I live up north!).

[MsHarry]

Wine Yes I suppose I could do that, we had conversations along the lines of it being a pain to try to keep them entertained at that age (12 ish) as their older siblings were off out more independently with friends. Last time, I asked her DD out at the start of the summer hols and she didn't return the favour in the whole 6 weeks!

[ppeatfruit]

MsHarry Do you ever ask your sil straight out to return the favour? She may just be thick skinned . It's incredible but it's possible .

[MsHarry]

I can't, too polite!

[ppeatfruit]

But she's your SIL!! Have you mentioned it to your dh?

[Wineandrosesagain]

MsHarry I got together with sister re Oct half term - in advance I sourced a number of holiday clubs, suggested some that suited all and said - if girls do this which days can you do drop off / pick up as I can do x and x but more difficult to do Y and Y. Worked out quite well. Am less inclined now to do the one-off days out as not reciprocated but holiday clubs seem to work.