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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

726 replies

FrancinePefco · 02/01/2018 07:55

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet firstSad

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 02/01/2018 09:30

Don't do it then kerala. I'd much rather meet people at a pub anyway then all things are equal.

Leedsnew · 02/01/2018 09:30

I would love to live near you and I would invite you for a cuppa or BBQ! Me and hubby always loved to host dinners and BBQs..We just moved to UK and have not made too many friends...But we already been invited to some and spent new years eve at this lovely home....I would love to invite this couple over, but we live in a tiny rented house now and they live in a 6 bedroom mansion of a house so I would just feel ashamed I guess. But once we buy a house (this year for sure) I think I will invite them....But I agree with some comments...We had at least 2 friends who would always come to us, but never once said I will make a cake or stew call over ...I guess maybe they feel the same way I feel now...But don't stop hosting drinks or dinner if you enjoy their company! Only stop doing it if you really don't enjoy doing it anymore and would rather do something else.....

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2018 09:33

I don't like hosting big parties or BBQ, bit often do coffee mornings at mine, despite my house being less than perfect. I just could not go to somebody house over and over and never invite back, I would feel so bad. Or if my house was not tidy or I was not able to mentally, I would decline their invite
Some people are just takers.

KERALA1 · 02/01/2018 09:33

Same rousette. We have lovely reciprocal group but one couple never hosts (us anyway) and yet I would look mean if I left them out but have started to resent them always having things laid on at our effort and expense.

ShiftyMcGifty · 02/01/2018 09:33

You need to add the ...” goes over the top in planning and spending, stresses out, and worries sick no one will show up” type of reluctant host.

I feel like this every time I do a kids’ birthday party, never mind hosting an adult party! I stick to dinner/bbq for two couples max.

GreyMorning · 02/01/2018 09:34

I hate having people in my house as I'm an introvert, I've never hosted a party in my life, it's my worst nightmare. I do enjoy attending other people's though.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/01/2018 09:35

The neighbours are nice round here but we’re not sociable beyond a chat when we’re gardening or putting the bins out. I might feel obliged to attend a party one of them held but wouldn’t feel like I had to in return.

We rarely hold a party that includes all of DH’s side of the family now. Too many complications: finding a date and time to accommodate different shift patterns, divorce and kids access arrangements, faddy and fussy eaters (and drinkers! DH once felt obliged to leave our guests to go out and get some bDiet Coke in because SIL was going to have a glass of water rather than have normal coke as a mixer. She isn’t diabetic, just v faddy with food). Not to mention people on diets, relatives who won’t change their routine so insist on leaving the party early to do things like go to church on their usual day rather than go to a service the next day, people who whisper to their partner that they are unable to wait for the food to be brought out (except it’s only 3pm and they were told with the invite that food would be served at 5 or whatever) etc etc. It’s all too much hassle. I didn’t know people could be so awkward. We aren’t in my family: If a time is suggested the guests say whether they can make it then or not, we will change it if needs be, they turn up and eat and drink what they like and leave when party is finish. Simple.

DH’s Family, just hassle usually.

BalloonSlayer · 02/01/2018 09:36

I know of someone who hosts a NYE party every year (I am not invited, am only an acquaintance, but other friends always go). So, their party has become what a certain set of people always do on NYE. If one of them decided to hold the party instead it would look awfully rude. And if they said "Oh you always hold it, I thought you must be fed up with none of us ever hosting so we decided to give you a break this year" - well I can just imagine the AIBU thread!

nannybeach · 02/01/2018 09:38

I put a very similar post on here last year. Replies varied from obviously my house is much bigger/better than all of theirs, which isnt the case, friends houses are way much bigger. That I do fantastic food or loads of alcohol, no, most of the folk are driving, and have an average journey of 40 miles each way. They used to say, you must come to us next time, we would say, yes we d love to, then even that stopped being said. Several posters said I shouldnt have people round with the expectation of getting an in vite ourselves, that wasnt the case either, and like you its been 10 years. My DH said (while laughing) perhaps they dont like us, but would you do 80 miles to come and see someone you didnt like! Last year because of various serious illnesses, operations, and builders, we didnt do any hosting. So, I cant help you but do know how you feel!

KERALA1 · 02/01/2018 09:38

They would probably be bloody relieved.

Someone else did nye this year. Bliss.

woodhill · 02/01/2018 09:39

I always try to reciprocate even though my dh works funny hours and wouldn't care if we never socialised. It may take a while but I will always invite people back eventually.

Ils never reciprocated with non family so I think that's why they ended up isolated

Some people have bigger houses though which makes it easier or more supportive partners etc

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2018 09:40

Balloonsayer - if that hoster is me, I promise you I would be delighted if someone else offered. I'd say (made up numbers) there's a 90% chance they want someone else to offer, and a 10% chance they love it being their thing.

The80sweregreat · 02/01/2018 09:40

I hate hosting too as im rubbish at it and never know what to buy in the food department etc etc. house isnt big enough either
Have given up over the years.

ravenmum · 02/01/2018 09:40

I'm suprised at the people who would only accept an offer if they were able to reciprocate. Do you actually cite that as the reason why you are refusing the offer, or do you find some other excuse for turning the asker down? And how do you ever keep friends if you are unable to host people and always have to turn others down?

Oblomov18 · 02/01/2018 09:44

Blimey. This thread is an eye-opener.
I too was invited to bbq's by school mums. Say 3. Dh was very impressed the effort the dads went to. Thus we hosted, and they were the first ones on our list!

But there really are no excuses not to reciprocate in some way. Why are all of OP's friends such takers? Hmm

juneau · 02/01/2018 09:45

I am definitely guilty of going to people's houses and not reciprocating and it does bother me. I should make more effort. But it's such an PITA having a group of people over. It's not just the expense, it's the organisation, the list making, the food prep, making everything look lovely - and then the clear up afterwards, which if you've had lots of DC over is hideous. They run riot around the house and stuff just gets trashed.

The two friends I have who entertain the most have houses that they admit they don't care about. I'm a real neat-freak and I love my house being tidy and clean, so I find it hard to relax when people are spilling drinks on the sofa, wearing stiletto's on our wooden floors and letting their DC run riot and throw every single toy my DC own on the floor, because who will have to tidy it all up? Me, that's who.

juneau · 02/01/2018 09:48

PS. We do entertain sometimes, but we have one or two families at a time - we don't have big house parties. I figure if people do then they like to do that.

Lucylululu · 02/01/2018 09:51

Personally I hate hosting and have no interest in doing so. I would happily not go to events at other peoples houses but when I am invited and the person is adamant that I go and it seems they would be hurt or offended if I didn't turn up then I go. I don't enjoy other people being in my home, just a personal preference. It makes me anxious and stressed for some reason, whereas my best friend adores hosting. I'm not a loner or anything, just if I were to plan an event for friends I would choose something outside the home, a trip or meal. I don't think that makes me rude, just different to you.

ShiftyMcGifty · 02/01/2018 09:52

“ I find it hard to relax when people are spilling drinks on the sofa, wearing stiletto's on our wooden floors and letting their DC run riot and throw every single toy my DC own on the floor, because who will have to tidy it all up? Me, that's who.”

Is this how they behave in their own homes then?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2018 09:53

KERALA start leaving them out, they see no shame in excluding you. I would feel very bad to keep going to people's houses and never giving back that I wod have to start declining, and mabey meeting up in a neutral location, not simebodies house.

Original poster
FrancinePefco · 02/01/2018 09:54

Roussette

I think natural hosters go on and on doing it and I can hand on heart say, I don't mind doing it, there's something about loads of laughter and people I like in my house having a good time that warms my heart!

You could be me Smile

You have succinctly and accurately summed up me and my DH. It also reflects both sets of our parents and our upbringing. So there is definitely something in that (as pp have mentioned). We enjoy doing it and will most likely continue to do it, with generosity and without expectation (as pointed out by a different pp).

I will just have to get over a lingering, niggling concern that I /we may have offended someone or not really like me / us for them never to have invited us to set foot inside their home (or even garden)!!

I'll be on the look out for the obvious McTaks. I can't imagine going through life like that. If someone buys a round at the bar, my DH virtually necks it in one go so that he can buy the next one and isn't "owing"...silly conditioning I guess.

OP posts:
extinctspecies · 02/01/2018 09:55

The aspect of hosting I find the most stressful is getting the right mix of interesting people.

cleofatra · 02/01/2018 09:55

Some people are just not set up for hosting. We, for example, live pretty minimal and have only 4 plates, 4 wine glasses etc. The house is not "entertainment friendly" and we have no dining table (just a 3 seater in the kitchen)

Loyaultemelie · 02/01/2018 09:55

I'm sort of the opposite I like hosting when I feel up to it but I really don't enjoy going to other people's homes. I enjoy cooking and prepping when I'm well enough but I have a few chronic conditions that mean I often can't face going out and putting a social "mask" on. Dd2 also has inherited at least one of these conditions. I host on my terms because I know it suits dd and I.

Oblomov18 · 02/01/2018 09:56

Hosting is FUCKING hard work. All these posters, with friends who have said: "Oh I don't like hosting, its much more fun going to other people's parties".
No shit Sherlock!! Shock

For our bbq, weeks planning, the cost? Of buying tonnes of alcohol, marinating meat......
Cleaning the place before hand. Running to buy bags of ice at the last minute.
Making sure everyone is ok.
The clearing up.....

I think OP is right not to bother with these people. Very telling that they asked if they'd missed the invite!! Grin bloody cheek!