Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

[Gwenhwyfar]

" I brought two bottles of Champagne, a bottle of gin, two bottles of tonic, a stilton, some nuts and some flowers."

Isn't that a bit over the top? You took enough food and drink for several people and expensive ones at that.

[FrancinePefco]

Thanks for this ravenmum
But it felt like I was copying their idea, even stealing it. The big neighbourhood parties are their thing. I had to come up with a different reason to host one at mine.

A similar was also mentioned by a pp. I hadn't really considered this before. Something to think about.

I guess we are more McGees than *McTaks" naturally. We did stop inviting one couple where the "D"H is a knob - arrives empty handed, gets drunk and one year even drank my DH's set of real ales (hidden away from the the main partying area) that my DC's had bought for my DH for Christmas. Sad for his poor DW though.

[Roussette]

The thing is... if you are a natural host (me) you don't mind doing it. But when you do it again and again and again over years and years, you do start to get resentful. And that's not right because I throw fun parties, drinks, and now I am starting to pull back, the bond weakens between us all. I don't care if someone does it just once, I don't care if it's a glass of warm wine and a cheesy wotsit, but never doing it or even being grateful to the person who always does, TBH is just taking the piss.

It's impossible for me to exclude lazy NDN as everyone comes as a package.

[meredintofpandiculation]

Socially inept. I find it excruciatingly embarrassing even when I'm offering drinks to workmen. Of course, being socially inept means I don't get invited to much. That's the thing about being socially inept - the more practice you need with personal skills, the more you're excluded and unable to get that practice. The hostility expressed by some posters in this thread is indicative - much easier to write people off as lazy, selfish and generally morally inferior.

[BestZebbie]

I see parties as a different kind of hosting to personal invites.
If I host a party, it is a way to see my friends but also the next tier out of people in the same extended social circle - nice people who I might have known by sight for many years but am not actually friends with on a personal level, in that we don't keep up with the details of each others lives.
The people I get reciprocal invites from are the people who I also invite to do things one-to-one or in much smaller groups of maybe one or two couples - these are also the people who I would give lifts or help move house etc, whereas the wider party crowd are too distant for that in almost all cases.
Perhaps they feel the same?

[Roussette]

And I think my turning point was when lazy NDN just assumed. She said 'so.. round to yours beforehand as usual then?'

I was planning to do it, hadn't got round to telling anyone and at that moment, I changed my mind and said NO, I am not doing it this year.

It's not good to be taken for granted.

[metalmum15]

We're more often than not the hosts here for evening parties. I prefer it, that way I don't have to sort out babysitters.

[Increasinglymiddleaged]

If I host a party, it is a way to see my friends but also the next tier out of people in the same extended social circle - nice people who I might have known by sight for many years but am not actually friends with on a personal level, in that we don't keep up with the details of each others lives.

I think this^^ is it. One of the mums locally has the occasional drinks gathering that I am sometimes invited to, but I'm firmly in her second tier. I wouldn't have a big party in this house, we host one to one with closer friends only.... I hardly know her DH at all and I don't feel I know them well enough to invite them round like that.

That said we take her DD every week to a class as it works OK for us and helps her so I don't feel that bad about it. Hopefully if we move house this year we'll have more space for slightly bigger gatherings.

[arethereanyleftatall]

It was the same for me rousette.
Someone said 'see you all at aretheres summer party' before I had even said i would be hosting a summer party. I found that really rude.

[Ohforfoxsakereturns]

I host a party every Christmas and I love doing it. People ask if i’m Doing a party and it seems to kick the festive season off. Or I host NYE.

There are two of us in our friendship group who do it. We’re the two single parents with the least money, and it’s bloody hard work. But I really feel something is missing if I don’t do it. Neither of us were in the position to do NYE this year and most of our friends stayed in. I think you host because it makes you happy - I get a lot of pleasure from entertaining and feeding people and seeing people enjoy themselves.

Absolutely cant abide people staying over though. Hate it.

[KERALA1]

Exactly Rousette. I do it as I want to strengthen friendships, give my kids a warm sociable upbringing and we have the space. Is always expensive and stressful though and does gall if there are people merrily benefitting from your parties over and over again who never invite back. You'd have to be saintly to not find that mildly annoying.

[Bunchofdaffodils]

Maybe it’s a kind of habit you get into or not. We are the hosters in our group and after many years of it always being us(despite being on lowest income, very shabby tiny house, children, nervous dog) I also did the experiment of no more parties. Our social life stoped! Hardly saw anyone for ages. People commented Oo we must meet up, haven’t seen anyone for ages, Bunch are you doing a Christmas party this year...? So we started again as I enjoy seeing my friends happy, unfortunately less often as my co host (dh) is chronically unwell now. One particular friend has been married for 10 years, has a gorgeous house(maybe afraid of damage?) and when bought their wedding present I looked forward to the day they would host us and maybe use it....still waiting😦.

[pinkdelight]

Some people like hosting. Some don't. If you don't want to host then don't, but don't deny yourself due to the reciprocation thing if you like doing it. The not-even-asking-you-in-for-a-cuppa thing is a bit weird but it's not weird that other people don't host parties. I get stressed about even doing kids parties once a year and the thought of mixing friendship groups etc., of people not coming, of making sure people have fun, let alone all the logistics, is my idea of hell. But I know people who love it and who get a real bang out of it, regardless of reciprocation.

Unlike the poster above, I completely disagree that people shouldn't go to parties unless they are willing to host themselves. To me it's much more like when we were teens and there were a few 'cool' kids who were allowed to have house parties and everyone else went to them, whereas most parents were like 'over my dead body!' and didn't want their houses trashing. It really doesn't change that much.

[AtlanticWaves]

We don't host parties. But neither are we invited to any.

We did host a couple but so many people dropped out or turned up late that we gave up.

We do reciprocal dinners/ play dates but not very often, mostly because our elderly downstairs neighbor hates the slightest noise so we try to go out more than stay in.

[Roussette]

arethereanyleftatall Totally agree, really rude!

I think natural hosters go on and on doing it and I can hand on heart say, I don't mind doing it, there's something about loads of laughter and people I like in my house having a good time that warms my heart! But just occasionally I want to go to someone else's house.

[ravenmum]

If you give, give, give and never get anything back, then I think your only choice is to stop giving or accept the situation with generosity. Not to keep inviting people but secretly harbouring a grudge against them for accepting your offer.

[KERALA1]

Totally disagree pink. Pretty sure most of us "hosters" would much prefer to be guests. Would you rather spend the afternoon cleaning house, buying booze, fretting over whether you have enough food drink, or just half an hour before grab a bottle and trot round to someone's house? Then at the end just go home leaving host with clearing up / recycling etc?!

Much fairer if everyone takes their turn.

[Twooter]

We haven’t hosted for years for a few reasons.

1. Some people in our group are notorious for staying really late - ie 3-4 am, and I can’t do late nights anymore so am scared to invite them.
   
2. Who to invite ? It’s awkward as there’s quite a big group of us who are friends - knowing where to do the cut off foa a dinner party hut knowing the others would hear about it and potentially feel left out.
   
3. Me and dh always, always have a massive falling out the day we host anything due to stressing about getting the house clean enough.

[Roussette]

Bunch that's awful.

Kerali yes, and it's just occasionally that I kick back and think 'sod it, I'm not doing this drinks get together' and I was a bit upset that it just never happened because I didn't do it. So out of 20 years, I've probably done it 15 times. There were 10 couples who could've thought... let's give Rou and her DH a break and do it. But no. No one stepped up and did it and as I said earlier, it's for an hour or just over, before we go off for a meal! Hardly taxing.

[FrancinePefco]

Arethereanyleftatall

Type A - has a perfectly valid reason ie house too small or whatever. They bring wine/flowers/generous amount, and pitch in with clearing away. Type A is fine.

Type B - could easily host, but don't because it's much easier & cheaper for someone else to do it. Bring 1 bottle of wine, and drink 2. Type B are not fine

I guess we should add the shy / socially uncomfortable to your Type A which is of course also completely fine. How would you make sure you are not miscategorisng someone - without directly asking them?

[arethereanyleftatall]

One friendship group I'm in all chip in to pay for a cleaner the next day for whomever has hosted. And all bring a dish.

[WrenNatsworthy]

We live in a tiny two up two down terrace. We can barely fit ourselves in.
We are also skint.
We have lots of friends with bigger houses and more money who love having us around despite this.

[Roussette]

Also, I just know that me and DH could not not not keep going to someone's house without reciprocating in some way. To my mind, it takes some brass neckery to do that!

My DH is a generous sort and he would be saying... we really must have everyone round here, we can't go to them again. Just not sure why some people don't feel like this.

To be fair to my 10 couples, all but a couple of couples have had people round.

[arethereanyleftatall]

Francine - i think I'd give people the benefit of the doubt until I could categegorise them. I know quite a few people who are definitely type b!

[WrenNatsworthy]

It's about friendship, give and take, being friends throughout the year with all that entails. I am not friends with folk who point score.