Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

I don't have the confidence to host. My house badly needs to be painted, which I can't afford, so it looks tatty.

We struggle financially, so it's a enormous stress I can't manage.

And- I don't find organizing children's parties fun, I just did it for their sakes and to facilitate friendships. That's why I don't organize adult parties, I know I won't find it fun!

7 of us old school friends are still in regular contact. Two will regularly host a lunch. I live 2 hours drive from the others but still manage to persuade them to join me from time to time, or take them out locally when I'm visiting family. One is a reluctant host but does offer when it is clear everyone is indicating it is very much her turn. The other three turn up time after time, and never offer to host.

I’m also an introvert which means I can socialise perfectly well, but it comes at a cost - people exhaust me, some more than others. It can be a bigger deal to some to host/socialise, as I’ll end up with a people hangover (much like an actual one!) so I tend to be protective of my time/space so that doesn’t happen. I’d love to be an extrovert and energised by having people around, but I’m just not, so I have to work with what I’ve got

We love throwing parties and have people over for food and drinks a couple of times a year. We normally have 30-40 people although we have smaller parties too.

There are a number of reasons we're the main hosters in our circle of friends. We're slightly better off than most of them (and it can be pricey. We probably spent £250 on this year's NYE party). We live in an accessible, central location. Both DH and I love to cook and are confident in the kitchen. I prefer to host rather than to be a guest as I am a bit socially awkward. People are always full of compliments and thanks, and I won't lie, I enjoy the appreciation.

However, all the people we invite bring something worthwhile into our lives, and while they might not reciprocate with party invites, they offer other things. Friend A gives mates rates in his job, friend B will pick the kids up from school if I ask, friend C takes my DCs to their hobby so I don't have to, and so on. And besides, I really enjoy their company.

@Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon
I’m also an introvert which means I can socialise perfectly well, but it comes at a cost

I'm a bit like you. I like the idea of hosting but I find it stressful. I can socialise perfectly well, e.g. when we go out for dinner with friends in a 'neutral' environment like a pub or a restaurant. I do like getting invited by friends but it gets a bit more tricky when there's a room full of people I don't know. I've got better at it over the years and I do talk with strangers but I do envy those people who can just 'work a room'.
How do they do it? Please tell me the secret!

PaxUniversalis

Are you and your OH natural born hosts, i.e. do you make it all look simple, stress-free and flawless (even if you have put in a tremendous amount of preparation and effort)? This could potentially put people off hosting themselves

You've made me think. We certainly do not stress about it - and have had a fair number of "minor challenges" before, during and after our events that might be classed as total bloody disasters in other people's minds. It can always be fixed, brushed over or ignored.

We've always had houses that are party friendly - even our first which was a two up two down terrace. It had a through lounge with stripped floors. I think it's more about the people than the place though. We are house proud but obsessive.

I've got better at it over the years and I do talk with strangers but I do envy those people who can just 'work a room'.
How do they do it? Please tell me the secret!

A couple of glasses of fizz to relax me and I'll talk to anyone!

But my guests aren't strangers, sometimes it's good friends, but often it's what I would call more acquaintances and I just burble on about bugger all.

not obsessive

@FrancinePefco
We certainly do not stress about it - and have had a fair number of "minor challenges" before, during and after our events that might be classed as total bloody disasters in other people's minds. It can always be fixed, brushed over or ignored.

It's probably years of practice. And your personalities (calm, welcoming, relaxed, chatty, confident maybe - just a guess) that may give others the impression that you're the perfect hosts.

I really lack confidence with hosting and especially with providing food that would be thought of to be 'good enough / modern enough'. I was brought up in a family with virtually no hosting and very traditional beige food and I just don't know what people like to eat as I have been quite fussy myself in the past. I am trying now though. I seem to have missed out on some important info about how to be a sociable adult. I would also worry that no one would come.

Day to day, I would invite in for a cup of tea, but not as a spur of the moment thing as my house is always a mess thanks to the people I live with.

We've been to neighbours houses for parties quite a bit and one or two friends have had parties and things too.

We have tried to host parties here but one year only 3 couples turned up. The next year 4 individual people. Then last year only.one couple. I tried to have a Hallowe'en party for the kids here but it was a bit shit and I'm a little embarrassed about that.

I suggested to my friend she and her family.come round here for a new year drink and its turned into her hosting a party at her house.

I would LOVE to have a party house. It just never seems to come off. I don't think it's because nobody likes us because people invite us to their house

My experience is that some people hold parties but don't want to be guests elsewhere. Obviously not everyone is lime this, just those near me.

Thetreesareallgone: I'm a super-guest though, always take something nice, am very appreciative, turn up to everything, never back out at the last minute.

Isn’t that just standard decent behaviour?

@LucyLogan
I really lack confidence with hosting and especially with providing food that would be thought of to be 'good enough / modern enough'.

What about nibbles and drinks? It doesn't have to be a sit down, 3-course affair.

I hate hosting in my own house. I'm an introvert and don't like people in my personal space. I get stressed and irritable having people in the house as I'm always worried about how tidy/clean/comfortable it is.

I try to reciprocate in the summer as we can have a bbq and mostly stay outside so I don't feel stressed and want to hide in bed within an hour.

In our group it's always bring your own bottle and the hosts provide the food. I always bring some snacks/dessert and help clean up at the end.

We do have a split in our group of those who love to host and those who don't so those of us who hate hosting tend to contribute to the food for those who love hosting, this way everyone is happy.

I quite like hosting (after it's finished) but I also see having people round as the price of bring invited over by others. So, if you want to be asked over by others you have to have people round.

We have been taken out to dinner by friends that don't have people over (for whatever reason).

I don't expect exact tit-for-tat but I don't like it if an invitation is never reciprocated. Unless it's family. Then I do not need reciprocation.

"We'll continue doing that because we enjoy it" relating to an impromptu meal. There you have it OP, we are all different and some don't enjoy it. A couple of decades ago when our children were pretty young, we would feel obliged to give reciprocal dinner parties and whilst the actual dinner was enjoyable, the lead up wasn't. My husband would clean the house top to bottom, whilst I shopped and prepared the food, by the time guests arrived we were too tired to give a shit as to whether it went well or not. These events went on way past midnight and then the next morning we came down to a dining room covered in empty glasses, bottles and debris, not to mention the kitchen. Usually we had a hangover and that combined with the clear up and dealing with young children made me think twice as to whether we should jack the whole rigmarole in, it was kind of enforced anyway. Oh and I seem to remember the cost of it even back then would be well over £100, can't remember whether that included any drink. Over the years, and others I have spoken to feel the same, we just decided all the palava entailed hosting these events wasn't worth it. Far better to go out to a restaurant. I still entertain extended family, but these occasions tend to be during the day. I couldn't imagine hosting an event that involved neighbours etc. If we do get invited to an occasional dinner we eventually get round to inviting the people back but sometimes 3 years down the line, or maybe not at all. I remember Matthew Wright, on his phone in show, and admittedly he is a grumpy git if ever there was one, saying he didn't particularly want to be invited to other people's houses for dinner and wasn't going to feel under any pressure to invite them back. These days that kind of resonates, people who entertain do so of their own free will. A lot of people just don't want to go through the hassle for whatever reason.

we host a lot, especially dinner for one particular group of friends and while there are clear reasons why some of them don't reciprocate it was getting to me a bit, then I realised none of this particular group have children and I think they believed it was easier for us not to arrange a babysitter. But what has changed is that I've now been fairly specific about them bringing food , so we do main course and dessert and might ask one or two to bring some kind of salad and another some cheese or another dessert. Seems to work

@PaxUniversalis See, that is a good idea, except I don't drink either, so I'd find it really stressful choosing wine and drinks etc. I sound like a right barrel of laughs, eh? Genuinely think I missed out on some valuable social skills somewhere!

My experience is that some people hold parties but don't want to be guests elsewhere
That almost sounds like one of my friends who does most of our hosting.
She does make a good guest but she really enjoys hosting and the whole process of it. I think she hosts lots in her other friendships circles too.

I suppose hosting/being a guest doesn't have to be tit for tat as long as everyone in the social circle is happy with the arrangement.
E.g. i like hosting afternoon/early evening things but hate hosting parties (and would love to do more when we get our shiny new house). Super host friend loves everything. Another couple don't like hosting. Nobody feels anyone is taking a lend because we are all comfortable.

One of my uni friends has started to feel resentful because his city friends expect him to host all the time and put on food/drinks but they are flakey as anything and don't make any offers in return. He likes hosting but is feeling very much like those friends aren't real friends, they just like the convenience of going to his house.

I have been thinking about this thread all morning while pretending to work. some of us just love hosting and are prepared to put a HUGE amount of work in to make it lovely for our friends and family. It is of course never effortless.

My DM has a friend who is 82 and still throws a Christmas Day drinks party (imagine!) before cooking lunch for her 20 plus family, and also throws a NYE party. I was trying to describe her to my DD and said " she is famous for throwing great parties". We all agreed that would be a wonderful thing to be remembered for.
(And to the PP who said they couldn't have a party cos they only have 4 plates. I didn't have enough plates for my NYE party this year, so borrowed some from a neighbour. Just sayin)

I really think that some of us are natural hosts and others are natural guests. My parents are better guests than hosts so it was a surprise to me when I discovered I was the opposite. It started when I had my first bedsit when most of my mates still lived at home. My first 'gathering' involved litres of Lambrusco and the food was baked potatoes and pizza - the height of sophistication to a bunch of teenagers in the seventies. I was amazed to to discover how much more natural hosting felt to me.

Hosting is a skill as well as a character trait and takes practice. It used to take me days of preparation. Now the basics for a good evening (cold drinks-soft and alcoholic, plenty of glasses and ice, tidyish house) are always on hand so if a socialising opportunity occurs all I need to think about is food. Some of my happiest moments are standing in the doorway of a busy room watching people enjoying themselves and thinking 'I did that!'

Incidentally it helps that I married someone who also prefers hosting!

Because it would make my anxiety much much worse and I wouldn't be able to cope? Luckily my best friend knows and accepts me the way i am - and knows not to come in while i am always welcome in hers

I think if you don't host for whatever reason, then simple manners mean you should reciprocate in whatever manner you can.

Whether that's mostly doing the driving, or organising a group holiday, or buying the hosts an unprompted ginormous present, or babysitting, or whatever it is that suits your skills.

Reciprocation doesn't have to be doing the exact same thing they do, but it should be fair, if you don't want your friends to dump you for being piss takers.

My experience is that some people hold parties but don't want to be guests elsewhere

Good god no. Not in my case. I love love love to be asked round to someone's house, I'm not picky, I eat anything and drink anything, I just like socialising. I take gifts, I clear up, just as me and I'll be there!

I have 2 sets of friends and we regularly take it in turns to do a meal... it's probably only every 3-6 months but it's great fun. But these are lifelong friends and no one expects anything and we all quite like doing it.