Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

I could speculate on the many possible reasons
Then this thread probably isn't going to be a particularly absorbing use of your valuable time.

I might end with the word CULL - no need to feel guilty. Just cull with abandon unless you feel inclined to give the chancer one more opportunity.

I think focusing on Hygge for the purposes for being together....fires, no effort, low key everyone would be so much the happier and even the most reluctant giving it a go....

No more flashy houses, three course dinners and overbearing formality. Free us from us from stifling set ups and lets relax in front of the fire (real or otherwise) and be together. It is winter. It is time to take the slippers off, no heels, no stress and just chill.

On that thought I am sending out invites, anyone interested?

I nearly get upset reading all this as ..l said this already pages back..l don't entertain much. Its like a mental block l have. I do meet friends for coffee. We all get on really well but l rarely have them for dinner although we have been to various houses numerous times. I wouldn't mind if they never asked me again but they are very sociable and keep inviting us. We really do appreciate it and we have great chats and a lovely time. Now l feel really bad.
Maybe 2018 will be different.

Don’t feel bad last poster. Make big pot of something you like to make and have a cosy evening. Start small xx

junebirthday xx

We live in a tiny two up two down terrace. We can barely fit ourselves in.
We are also skint.
We have lots of friends with bigger houses and more money who love having us around despite this.

Lucky you. That means you will always be the taker, and not the giver.

Does being skint extend to arriving at their place empty-handed?

I agree OP - we love to socialise, so it does mean that we end up hosting disproportionately. Most people reciprocate, and reciprocate evenly. There are a couple of people who always accept our invitations, but who haven't ever invited us back.

Am I going to stop inviting them? No - but their lack of reciprocation is absolutely noted. As a PP said, you'd have to be a genuine saint for it not to be.

No matter how much you enjoy hosting - it's never as cheap and easy as picking up a bottle of wine, something for the table and some flowers, and just turning up at someone else's.

Eek, sorry - I refreshed the page on the app and it said 'end of thread' after about 100 posts, and then after I've posted, it says 682 posts!

Apologies for reiterating what others have no doubt already said. Many times.

I think these lifestyle programs/ magazines have a lot to answer for. Poster after poster citing their house as the reason for never reciprocating. If that's genuine and not just an excuse it's quite sad. Just because you are not Jamie and jools Oliver with a warehouse sized walk in kitchen doesn't mean you can never allow a non family member to cross your threshold.

june don't get upset, we all do things differently but sometimes it's good to step out your comfort zone. (I stepped out gradually with something totally unrelated and it brought me a new interest in life that is still enduring 10 years later, it was something I had an irrational fear of). As a pp said... something small... some Mums round for a slice of homemade cake and coffee. A glass of wine with a couple of friends and Iceland nibbles... anything really.

My biggest lesson from this thread is to be a bit more sympathetic with one of my non-reciprocators. I suspect they may be a little uneasy about the state of their house. I don't know this for sure because of course I have never been inside. I am just surmising. I will still keep on inviting them to ours because they are a lovely couple, we have fun together and he is gorgeous and a great dancer
I agree with you Kerala - I think a lot of people put themselves under pressure and in turmoil because of the way a place looks. The way you make people feel is far more important. Some of the most humble dwellings often have the warmest welcome.

I am also feeling better (and bolder) about the tiny, tiny number of people I am going to cull. There is no more inviting just because that is what they've come to expect.

Thankfully none if my circle demonstrates the attitude of our amphibious friend from yesterday.

I’ve just arranged a big lunch off the back of this thread

Everyone offered to bring a course

Someone even offered to have it at their place instead

Love a bit of socialising

Ditto Francine, I know one couple who rarely host but they have done it once or twice over decades and I don't think of them as grasping at all but do wonder why not more as they come here lots. However, she is a worrier and really quite intense so it could be a huge hurdle there for her, so nothing will change AFAIC with them coming here as normal.

However, the couple that prompted me to join this thread are toast! I just can't be arsed any more because they are one step too far. I know them well, I know their house, I know there is no reason why we couldn't be asked there apart from not bothering.

My close circle of friends... we just reguarly do our own thing having each other round and that's great.

We do have people round - especially in the summer when I find it easier to host a barbecue than a dinner party.

But there are still people on the list we 'owe' (some of them for an embarrassingly long time) and this thread has inspired me to rectify the situation.

I'm going to make a list of all the people we owe & organise a couple of dinner parties in the next 2 months. And just hope that a random selection of people gets along.

Good for you extinct

I love mixing up random groups

It’s really surprised me over the years who have got on well

KERALA I blame those programmes for a number of things ( I effing HATE them) They've been instrumental in pushing up property prices, esp. in the countryside ,persuading people that quite normal kitchens need 'updating' etc. etc. etc.

Forgive the rant I feel better now

When buying in France we had to remind ourselves that the normal french are not on the same 'property porn' wave length as the Brits.

I get anxious about people coming to my house. I think I’ve worked hard to make our house attractive, comfortable & I make an effort to think about what food & drinks to provide to suit the occasion.
It would make me feel more confident to invite people over though if they’d occasionally give me some feedback. Like “you’re house is lovely I really like...” or “thank you the food ..... was really nice”. Either my expectations are not as they should be or I have weird friends as they seem to say nothing. I personally would always find a compliment to make about a person’s house & or their hospitality. Usually always genuine but if not I would out of good manners.
I invited a colleague for lunch once. Laid a casual table out in the garden, provided a thought out lunch & had the house clean & beautiful as well as the garden. And not a single comment. I now don’t want people coming to my home.
I live in a large detached house in an affluent city with a beautiful garden. I have kids & dogs do not precious about interior design but I think it’s pretty nice objectively.

They might be envious

That is weird nitro. I'm always asking for recipes or enthusing about food or asking where they got some crocker or something because I love it etc etc

Yes as we discussed upthread Francine IMO it's jealousy.

I had people round at New Year, but it is extremely stressful for me as I never know how much time I will have to prepare due to my husband's health condition/incontinence. Until you care for someone like this, you don't realise how unpredictable life can be. For instance I didn't know, until it happened, that he would suddenly drop a cup of coffee all over the sofa. Then I had to spend a couple of hours of my valuable preparation time shampooing it and then drying it with a hairdryer. Nor did I know that he wouldn't make it to the toilet in time and then try to clean it up himself, managing to smear it all over the bathroom floor and stepping in it in his slippers. The resulting cleaning up (including cleaning the messy toilet AGAIN) took the best part of an hour.
Consequently I spent most of the time while visitors were here in the kitchen, finishing off preparations I had planned to do before they arrived.
Also I spend so much of my free time looking after my husband (I do also still work part time as he now can't, though I had to give up some work so I could look after him) that most of the time housework has to be left and so the place always looks a tip (and no, I can't afford to pay a cleaner and we don't qualify for a free home help). It takes a lot of extra effort to get it anything like tidy for visitors.
It is so nice to be able to get out of our house and forget about it all when we get invited anywhere. And then somebody spoils it by saying, "Isn't it lovely to see your husband back to normal!" I know they mean to be kind, but nobody, not even close family, have any idea what our life is like now.

I wouldn't comment on home decor as I think it is rude for good or for bad. I would say something complimentary about the food though

I think you are right and that in the end, it boils down to being willing to put yourself out a bit for your friends......

Exactly.

I don't LOVE hosting. I don't do it for some kind of altruistic reason. I would much rather go to a party or dinner at someone elses house.

I host and organise because I enjoy having a circle of friends and I recognise that to be part of a friendship group EVERYONE in the group should put in some kind of effort in arranging things that facilitate people to meet up.

Curlilox that sounds harder than a toddler and I am so sorry. In that situation you are definitely excerpt from hosting! I always rule out people with babies too, people with health conditions, people who I know work every hour god sends etc.

I wouldn't comment on home decor as I think it is rude for good or for bad.

Really? I don't think saying something like "gosh I love your kitchen, and such a lovely view onto the garden" can be construed as rude?

Surely it's far ruder NOT to comment on home decor than to say something nice? There's almost always something you can ask about in a flattering way.