Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

Pink I am sorry but that is nonsense.

Totally agree fluffy, some friends of ours who are Welsh, I had them round for the rugby when it was England V Wales, big pot of chilli in the slow cooker, couldn't even be arsed to cook rice so had different flatbreads bought from supermarket, everyone just helped themselves as I was busy watching the game, Rugby was the main event. (England won!)

It is easy as you make it.

Pink my daughter lives on her own in a v small one bed flat with open plan kitchen/lounge ... she had 9 round for food at hers last month. Everyone just lolled around sitting where they could. that's my girl

@francinepefco

You would hate me OP. Me (and DH,) are regularly invited by neighbours and colleagues and acquaintances to their house for a meal or a party or whatever, and we never reciprocate.

Why? Because my home is my personal private space, and my sanctuary, and I LOATHE people being here. I prefer to meet people on neutral ground (in a restaurant or pub.) If people insist I go to theirs, then that's up to them, but I won't ask them to mine . Like a number of others on here, I get very anxious at the thought of people coming around, and my husband and I are introverts. Something some people don't understand, and they just think you are miserable and anti-social.

I would rather just meet at a pub and buy them a meal. Much less hassle, not much more expensive, and you don't have them stuck at your house, looking at the clock, wondering when they will fuck off.

Call me a CF or an anti social oik or whatever, but this is me. If you don't like it, and are pissed off at me not inviting you around to MY house, then just don't ask me again.

I have had people ask me in the past - several times - and then hint and hint and even flat out ASK when they can come to mine, and I just say 'mmm' and change the subject, and suggest we meet in the pub. After 2 or 3 times I am not usually asked back... Doesn't bother me.

I hosted many parties/get togethers in my house waaaaay back (pre-2000,) and it was a stressful ball-ache. I never enjoyed it, it stressed me out, it cost a fortune, and it was a pain to prepare everything and clear everything up. Even when it was just 5 or 6 people invited, it still stressed me out, worrying about everything, and wondering when they will go. Never again. As I said, if you don't like it, then don't invite me to yours again.

As for the posters saying 'don't accept if you have no intention of reciprocating;' I have, many times, turned people down, (multiple times,) but they keep nagging and nagging until I give in and go. And then they sit there wide eyed, like a dog begging for a bone, wanting to know when we are going to return the favour and invite them to ours. If you are inviting me around just to get an invite back, then you are barking up the wrong tree.

In addition, there is nothing wrong with my house, and it is big enough to entertain people. I just have no desire to entertain people in my home, I have no intention of doing so, and I don't have to explain myself to anyone. If this does not suit you, then do not invite me to yours. If you are inviting people to yours purely to get an invite back, that paints you in a rather negative light I'm afraid.....

My DD has an average sized bedroom. During the last party I poked my head round her door and ALL the girls were in there. You couldn’t see an inch of floor. It was hilarious

frog, have you ever consudered telling the daft eejits who just beg, beg, for your company that you don't like socialising. Just that. I'm failry sure they'd get over the deep sadness and disappointment and stop inviting you. Everyone wins.

MIL invited us over last week, this is quite rare(less than once per year) and she cooked. We brought wine and chocolates. She mentioned that she couldn't invite all of her DC and spouses/DC as it's just too much. It's the first time I've heard her say that and along with others on here I realise not everyone like a house full of noise, music and laughter like us!!

Do you always buy them a meal though, frog?

I'll bet you don't.

I would rather just meet at a pub and buy them a meal.

Do you do this though? I would be fine with someone saying "Thanks for the last couple of meals at yours. I'm not into hosting but we'd love to take you out instead."

Yes I do buy them a meal when we go out. Although i am sure it would suit your ears and your agenda better if I said I didn't.

I don't like people at my house. Deal with it.

@Roussetthe chili and flat bread = yum!

That wasn't aimed at you @msharry, just the sarcastic posts from @wakemeup and @astrid

Eeek frog. Just beginning to wonder if your are my CF! You can't be that introverted or anti social, if you were you wouldn't be going to other peoples houses all the time, you would feel anti social about doing that.

Also have to say, its been done to death on here and said endlessly ... none of us hosters do this to get the same number of invites back. We just question the motives of the non reciprocators after say 10 or 20 years!

FWIW I never nag anyone to come. Ever. I send an invite. A person either says yes or no. I've never met a hoster who nags and nags for people to come to their houses, I'm really puzzled by that. Why would they want you there so much?!

Personally, saying hosters are like a dog begging for a bone.. you will know that is just plain rude. You go round to others houses, partake of their hospitality, and then talk about them like that. Unpleasant.

Most grateful, frog, most grateful.
You do come across a barrel of laughs, no wonder there's a queue at your door craving your company.

A few posters on here are so arsey and pissy about the posters saying they don't like inviting people to their house, that they are clearly the type who insist people come to their house, and moan and whinge until you give in, and then cry off and bitch about you when you don't ask them back.

Fucking annoying people.

@wakeme and a few others here, you sound bitter.

There is a reason people never ask you people to theirs.

Think about it................

You are not being asked to people houses for a REASON.

Your posts and attitudes here make it clear why.

As you were.

frog, you ray of sunshine you, I am beginning to understand your lure to all those countless grabby little hosts.
A bit of a Blackadder, no?

I don’t know why I bothered posting to be honest! It’s not two couples, it’s us, a couple and their children. I’m presuming Fluffy and Astrid have never seen my home (I hope not, I hate to think I’m friends with you) but it really isn’t practical. As for the thought of 9 people squashed in here, I can’t think of anything worse.

Oh and when they host we don’t just turn up and eat their food. We take a course (usually dessert), our own drinks which we obviously share, flowers and beer for the hosts.

wake

You took the words right out of my mouth.

The size or space is a really lame excuse by people. It really is simply a case of people who are too selfish and feel entitled to reciprocate. My parents entertained loads and even had so many people some had to eat on the stairs at a New Year's Eve party. It was the best party they ever had. People who host well and are people pleasers just get taken advantage of and one day you realise just don't bother with them. I have a 'friend' who has been to my house approx 4-5 times in the last two years and I haven't been to hers for three years now. She is no longer coming round unless she reciprocates. She has an amazing sense of entitlement I see her at many gatherings but fails to invite people back to hers ! She even is so proud of her house by the way it was in a local publication!!! I'm not spending money and time on takers anymore. Had way too many in my life. OP wish we were bloody mates 😂

Odd.

I've never ever insisted anyone comes to my house! Don't know anyone who does this. People who host aren't that desperate for unpleasant company.

We go to friends for dinner a couple of times a year but don’t reciprocate simply because we don’t have the space. They have a house, we have a one bedroom maisonette. We have four dining chairs and there would be six people. Their kitchen and dining room are open plan, ours aren’t so the cook would be on their own. It just wouldn’t work.

You just do it differently. A buffet with drinks, no need to seat people at a table. My kitchen is separate. I prepare in advance and only have to go into the kitchen to serve up or bring things in. Either way our guests are not left alone as there are two of us usually. How about ordering a take away? it's the social aspect of being at yours for a change that matters.

There is a reason people never ask you people to theirs.

Think about it................

Yes we know, you've explained it. You are uptight weirdos who can't cope with someone invading their five bed detached personal space for three hours twice a year.

It really boils down to whether the games worth the candle for you. I do like cooking dinner for close friends and people whilst company I love, and I probably have them round more than I go to theirs for all sorts of reasons. But the bottom line in all truthfulness probably is that if I’m not asking you round there is a reason and it might not be one that you would like to hear or that it would be kind to tell you - boiling down to the fact that I don’t see us becoming close. In that case I won’t accept repeated invites from you but would not want to be rude on the first asking.