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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

726 replies

FrancinePefco · 02/01/2018 07:55

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet firstSad

OP posts:
ppeatfruit · 04/01/2018 15:39

Reading and thinking about this thread, has reminded of an 'old' friend from college . We moved to a much bigger house and the friend just literally dropped us. After she visited.

I try not be bitchy about it but I reckon it was pure jealousy, There are some people who like to 'lord' it over others and if they can't do it then can't cope. I've always been friends with people I like and if they can't stand me ,for whatever reason i just don't bother them.

Some of the non reciprocators could just be green eyed Grin.

Mumto2two · 04/01/2018 15:43

Generosity of space, time, home & heart??...it's the latter bit that seems to be missing with some.
I couldn't give a flying fiddle whether our occasional hospitality is reciprocated or not. I'm just happy when people actually give us their time to come, and I enjoy their company and want nothing more.

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 15:48

pp I lost my last best friend because of exactly that. I haven't had a best friend since and I don't miss it to be honest. I can't be doing with the constant oneupmanship.

When she was having a bad time and my life was going fantastically it was as if she didn't trust me to be her cheerleader just the same as I had always done. She preferred it when I was the underdog.

Taffeta · 04/01/2018 15:52

Sad ppeat and Astrid

I had a BF that never forgave me for getting married. She didn’t even come to the wedding. All because she wasn’t with anyone and was jealous.

Then I lost another close friend as I had a second child and she couldn’t.

Both hit me hard. I’m not like that, and it took me many years to accept that other people can be so selfish.

ppeatfruit · 04/01/2018 15:56

True Astrid but a 'real' friend doesn't care about the size of your house or how your life is going. They're there for you regardless, if not then they're not a friend IMO and E.

Mumof2 I can't admit to such pure motives but I know what you mean!

lcl · 04/01/2018 16:11

Wow you read my mind !!! I have hosted so many people and not had it reciprocated. Now I’m an old fart I think I’m only inviting people round who do reciprocate! There are so many takers around. Hosting is hardwork , expensive and fun but ultimately if it isn’t reciprocated then they can do one. People who have no room can most likely fit two people in for a cup of tea !!! Saying that I’m about to have a big birthday party and there’s plenty of people coming who offer nothing back in terms of hospitality!! Maybe this is the last time 🤔

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 16:15

This thread is so long that it's difficult to comment on all the great posts, but I've just noticed this one and I think it deserves repeating because it sums up everything that needs to be said.

Again, a full scale party is not required order to show hospitality. It can be a coffee and cake for a couple of people.

*So for those who say they have small houses or cluttered houses or not much money, it is possible over time to have quite a few people over in ones and twos for a drink or a drink and a cake or a cream tea, or something very simple and very cheap.

Most people are not keeping count of how many times they have hosted and how many times they have been invited back. They don't require equality in this sense and that isn't the reason they host. However, when someone consistently accepts hospitality over a long period, some sign of occasional reciprocity is in my view important. It doesn't have to be equal frequency or like with like, but a friendly, hospitable gesture. So, if you have been to the same neighbours for the last 10 years for a Christmas party, inviting those hosts (on their own if space is an issue) for a summer sit in your garden for a glass of something, or for a coffee and a cake one winter afternoon isn't really beyond anyone, health issues excluded. Health issues excluded, I can't see why anyone would think it was okay to go to someone else's house and accept their hospitality over an extended period and to never offer any form of hospitality of any kind.*

And I get that hospitality comes easily to some people and not so easily to others. That's fine - these are all kinds of things in life we sometimes find difficult, which actually we need to bite the bullet with and make a small effort - and in my view, this is one of those. Again, it can be as simple as a coffee and cake and doesn't have to involve lots of effort, expense or space.

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 16:15

sorry for random bolding there Confused

ppeatfruit · 04/01/2018 16:17

What sort of BF are they Taffeta ? Sad for you too. One almost feels sorry for them but they suck the joy out of life. Life's too short Grin

gribak · 04/01/2018 16:19

I think your very first reply from nomorechickens was spot on.... If I have people over, it tends to be really good friends who I can relax with - neighbours don't always fall into this category. I feel bad for not reciprocating when invited to meals - but these have usually been 3 course meals, so well done that I simply just find it daunting to return the favour - mostly in kitchens and houses to die for and so the insecurities begin....Plus it is so costly, we have to spend our money on other things... Other friends I happily have over for a BBQ in the summer, drinks at Christmas, new years eve party because I know they will just be happy to catch up, party and will take things as they are, they mostly know us so well they all bring food and drink, so it is not costly. Sometimes things are just not as simple as they seem....

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 16:19

Dh despairs when I organise a party as I tie myself in knots beforehand fretting no one will come, or too many will come, not enough food / drink etc. It is stressful - for me anyway. But on balance worth it. So not all us hosters are uber confident devil may care types ( well only after a few drinks after a critical mass has arrived).

Exactly. Like I said pages back, feel the fear and do it anyway. The more you do it the easier it gets.

littlebird55 · 04/01/2018 16:25

astrid Okay I get you, so not social landscaping as I understood it as a perceived pecking order but just working out who is a good fit for you as a friend....yes I guess I do instinctively choose friends who share similar values and/or are funny and enjoyable to spend time with....

We have a problem where we live due to the volume of families with titles and to be honest I care very very little about family names etc, and would choose a friend for reasons beyond their ability to get me tickets to the next ball...it is an absolutely minefield...and one I have tried hard to avoid because I don't understand why it is important in today's world, I don't especially support inherited wealth or family names, and nor will I ever. It is not to say that I don't enjoy their company but the oneupmanship can be nauseating.

Avoiding socialising too much seemed to be the answer until I could pick out who was a worthy friend.

IamLucyBarton · 04/01/2018 16:25

Astrid is spot on. Totally.

IamLucyBarton · 04/01/2018 16:29

Thigs git very sour with SIL when she was happy to come here every sodding Xmas, fam birthday, etc empty handed and never invite us back not even for a cup of tea. Could have invites us to a meal in a pub, a day out etc.
I am afraid rel break down if you do not share momenta with people.

meredintofpandiculation · 04/01/2018 16:29

She preferred it when I was the underdog. Sometimes that can be lack of self esteem "why would anyone be friends with me when I have nothing to offer?". If you're supporting a friend through a bad time, you know you're of value, but once they don't need you, why on earth would they want you?

tigerrun · 04/01/2018 16:35

Blimey. In answer to:

Would you prefer people like me decline your invitations so that we don’t have to reciprocate?

Er, yes please.

tigerrun · 04/01/2018 16:38

Apologies- wrote that post long before the thread moved on & just accidentally pressed post when I opened my phone...As you were :)

FrancinePefko · 04/01/2018 17:30

I think everyone thought the same as you, tigerrun , but didn't want to engage with her / him.

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 18:01

but these have usually been 3 course meals, so well done that I simply just find it daunting to return the favour - mostly in kitchens and houses to die for and so the insecurities begin.

I suspect this might be part of the reason that people don't always reciprocate with me. But we can't all be super-good at everything. I don't do what I do to intimate anyone or to pull social rank but because it's my thing and I want people to enjoy it.

My friends have plenty of talents, skills or careers that I don't have and would never try to compete with. I have time and the budget to focus on cooking for friends and I try to do it well because I love it. But I don't expect restaurant quality food at a friend's house even if I strive to come close to it myself. I just want their company and to know that I am worthy of an invite too.

I have two really great friends who are, frankly, terrible cooks, but they are lovely people and the most fabulous, generous hosts. We always have fun there and most importantly I feel wanted there. That is far more important than whether the food is top notch or the decor is up to scratch. Please don't keep good friends at arms length because you feel intimidated.

Thinkingofausername1 · 04/01/2018 18:07

I think if you don't have the perfect house, you are less likely; to host a get together.
We have a nice sized house, but because it's not really modern like everyone else's, I just don't feel relaxed inviting people round. On the other hand my dh is an introvert too, so another reason why we never return invites.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 04/01/2018 18:13

We go to friends for dinner a couple of times a year but don’t reciprocate simply because we don’t have the space. They have a house, we have a one bedroom maisonette. We have four dining chairs and there would be six people. Their kitchen and dining room are open plan, ours aren’t so the cook would be on their own. It just wouldn’t work. Thankfully they understand this.

IamLucyBarton · 04/01/2018 18:20

Who has the perfect house?

Puppymouse · 04/01/2018 18:24

I would probably accept an invitation to your bbq or drinks because I wouldn't want to be rude and I hate saying no. I wouldn't invite you back because I find just having close family in my house to entertain pretty stressful and hardly ever invite anyone round because it makes me anxious. But I would like to think I might bring something with me to your parties as a token and not be seen as leeching off you.

KERALA1 · 04/01/2018 18:29

But don't you feel guilty thinking? I would feel really bad if I had been hosted more than say 3 times and never reciprocated whatever "good" reason I had made in my head. Not getting at you just asking.

FluffyWuffy100 · 04/01/2018 18:33

We go to friends for dinner a couple of times a year but don’t reciprocate simply because we don’t have the space. They have a house, we have a one bedroom maisonette. We have four dining chairs and there would be six people. Their kitchen and dining room are open plan, ours aren’t so the cook would be on their own. It just wouldn’t work.

Nah, that is just lame excuses!

You could ask them round in the afternoon for tea and cake. You could ask them round in the evening for games and pizza. Or just pizza and a drink.

You could invite one couple at a time to be 4 people. You could pick up a couple of stools or folding chairs. You can sit around on the sofa and the dining chairs.

The cook would be on their own? What kind of cooking are you planning on doing? Have a cottage pie or something in the oven - get it out and serve! No need for the cook to be in the kitchen all night.

As everyone keeps saying - it isn't about hosting the perfect diner or massive party, it is about showing your 'friends' you care about them and can be bothered to do something for them (apart form turning up to eat and drink at their house).