AIBU to wonder if earlier generations really viewed early miscarriages differently?

[KitKat1985]

Just interested in garnering opinions on this really. I have debated whether to post this at all as I'm aware the subject matter is a sensitive one for a lot of people, so I've tried to really clear in the title that it's a thread about early miscarriages so those who don't want to read the whole post don't have to. But it's a conversation that really got me wondering recently so wanted to hear some views on it. I had a conversation recently with some women who were from a previous generation (think late 50's onwards). They basically said that back when they were having babies you weren't even really considered to be pregnant until you had missed two periods (so I guess would be about 8 weeks). They said they may have had occasions whereby they were late etc, but if they bled before the '2 missed period' mark they said they just put it down as 'one of those things', and were a bit dismissive about people in this generation who would report being really upset because they were having a miscarriage when it was very early on in their pregnancy. They also said that these days because of early sensitivity tests etc, people often consider themselves to be pregnant sometimes before their period is even late, which in their opinion was wrong and just led to a lot more heartbreak if things then didn't progress well. I'm wondering if they're telling the whole truth or not about how previous generations viewed early miscarriages. I can't completely believe that in a previous generation women didn't also feel a bit devastated if they started bleeding after they were late, and therefore must have probably also worked out that they were having an early pregnancy loss. I can to some extent sympathise with their theory though that testing really early can lead to more heartache. Do you think early miscarriages really were viewed differently a generation ago? Or do you think it was just more a taboo subject and if women were very upset about early losses they were just under societal pressure not to say it?

Haven't RTFT but I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks and didn't feel any loss at all. I didn't even go to hospital, just spoke to my doctor-boss on the phone. That was about 14 years ago. So, not everyone is devastated. I got pregnant very easily though, so that possibly explains it.

There have always been abortions. The difference is we now have safe abortions.

I couldn't say generally, but I know DMIL (now in her 70s) had an early miscarriage amongst her four successful pregnancies, and still feels grief about the missing child.

Also miscarriages can also be caused by antiphospholipid syndrome. It certainly did with me. I was diagnosed in my 4th pregnancy. Explained my miscarriages. Also explained why I kept bleeding with the ones that stuck!

So those mcs May have an underlying medical condition which shouldn’t really be dismissed. I’ve since gone onto be diagnosed with other related conditions.

So those mcs May have an underlying medical condition which shouldn’t really be dismissed. I’ve since gone onto be diagnosed with other related conditions.

They didn't find any underlying cause for my miscarriages, but it is (I think - there is, of course, a chance it's just coincidence) significant that my fourth pregnancy, the one where they've put me on progesterone and aspirin is the only one that's progressed significantly at all. I suspect that a lot of women in the past who 'couldn't get pregnant' actually 'couldn't stay pregnant', and isn't it great if modern knowledge and medicine can help some of those women?

& aspirin & heparin was what I had when pregnant....

Someone said miscarriage was and still is a taboo subject but that's not what I think. It certainly wasn't when I miscarried. Nearly thirty years ago. Surely It is too common and too normal to be 'taboo'.

I'm not sure I agree with the many posters who think early testing has made a big difference in how people feel about miscarriage. Surely people only test when they think they might be pregnant. I get that testing might make it a little more real but I don't see it causing some significant generational difference.

I actual wonder if early announcement especially using social media where news is spread so widely makes any grieving worse as you are having to deal with so many people. I told friends, family and my coworkers I had miscarried and that was the first they knew about any pregnancy. I wanted some support and wanted people to understand why I needed a few days of work and why I might be a bit delicate for a few days. Everyone's support was spot on and really helped me get over my miscarriage extremely quickly. Talking about miscarriage certainly wasn't taboo subject with the people I knew.

Found my first experience of mc devastating. It came at a stressful time and was just the straw that broke the camel's back. My 2 other mcs have been a bit easier. My Mum still likes to lecture me with this crap about "not knowing" as if it's all been my fault for having access to HPTs. Neither sets of parents have known how to behave with any sort of tact where recurrent mcs are concerned. I've resented it massively.

Talking about miscarriage certainly wasn't taboo subject with the people I knew.

That's certainly not the case for a lot of people, it's lovely that you had people like that around you during such a difficult time.

In RL it often only comes to light that your mum/granny/colleague/friend/cousin/neighbour had a miscarriage when you yourself have one and that person will say "oh it happened to me too". It isn't often talked about outside of this and a lot of people don't realise how common it is or that it may happen to them, that they could be the 1 in 4. Miscarriage was something that didn't even occur to me first time around, it only happened to strangers in films or magazines because I didn't realise there were people around me who'd had them, it wasn't even on my radar as a possibility.

Then when a miscarriage occurs you hear it's nature's way, there must have been something wrong with it, you can try again, at least you know you can get pregnant, it's not like it was a real baby/child, it's better this way than later on, and so on. There have been many threads about the shitty things people say and do after someone has had a miscarriage. People also put a time limit on your sadness and will wonder why you're still sad. Ditto talking about it because you should have moved on already.

My Mum still likes to lecture me with this crap about "not knowing" as if it's all been my fault for having access to HPTs.

I've got that a couple of times, too.

A) if I didn't know I wouldn't have been able to seek the treatment that has possibly helped me
B) If I didn't know then, after 18 months trying, I'd have 'just' thought I was infertile, which wouldn't exactly have been delightful news either

Tactless people are tactless regardless of age or generation.

I kind of thought it was the same now, to be honest. I was under the impression that the reason we didn't tell anyone until 3 months of after was because nothing was very certain at that time. Until I was after 3 months I didn't really consider the fact that I was pregnant to mean that much as it didn't really seem a fact at that point - it was more a case of waiting it out to see if I would be pregnant or not. I didn't have much excitement or tell anyone until after that point. I viewed it at that point as a cell that might turn into a baby if all went well. If you know what I mean.

I viewed it at that point as a cell that might turn into a baby if all went well. If you know what I mean

And did yours turn into a baby? I ask because I've been told by a few people that I 'just shouldn't get excited until later' and then I wouldn't be upset. Without exception they've never had a miscarriage, and I think they'd have been surprised by how little that works if they had. It's pretty hard to just suppress your emotions at will.

I have to say that my mum was a bit like that, when I got pregnant last Christmas I was with her for 2 weeks so told her when I was only 5 weeks along. I was very anxious about food/drink etc and she was very dismissive telling me about an early miscarriage she had had and that is was just "one of those things", I've had friends with parents with similar attitudes so in my experience I definitely see a difference.

Well i think this thread goes to show it is a fascinating and VERY complicated subject.

Firstly to get any clarity we really have to pin down exactly what we mean by 'past generations'. I mean we've had posts from people who seem to think women who had their babies in the '90's were virtually using runes to find out if they were pregnant!

I'm 50. My eldest was born in 1993 and my youngest was born in 2014. (with 2 in between).

My experience is that:

• the advent of the internet gives us instant access to information about TTC and health now. But if you really wanted to find out about how to chart and ovulation patterns accurate info was always out there.

Maternity care has actually gradually got WORSE in my experience - between DC1 and DC4.

Weaning age, advice against smoking, sleeping advice, breast feeding support, day to day medical advice (with the exception of using talc) has all stayed the same.

Home preg. kits have gradually got a bit cheaper and more brands to choose from have appeared. Method stayed the same - pee on it and look for a line. I think when my no.2 was born in '95 i found there were tests boasting you could test from the day your period was due.

Social media has made many people turn their lives into a circus. This is naturally going to include posting their early results re. getting preg.

There's a lot more gadgets and gimmicks to buy these days. Some are great, most are a waste of money ...

You need to be looking back further than women 'in their 50's' to see much of interest.

I’ve had an early loss and a stillborn baby (recent years).
If I’d gone through these as a woman in the 50s/60s/70s the first - a complicated ectopic pregnancy - would have killed me. I would have mistaken a little bleeding for an oddly timed period then it would have been too late. Very grateful for HPTs. However I also feel that my loss would have been seen as more legitimate as it required hospital surgery (if I’d got that far). Indeed my grief of losing that baby was joined by relief that I was still here!
For my stillborn daughter, I found a few of my friends’ mums talked to me about similar losses they’d had and hadn’t been able to talk about even as recently as the 80s. It was a small comfort to know that I was and am able to acknowledge my heartbreak with others and not hold it in but it distresses me to think of all those women who have lived with this silent grief for decades.

Lisa It's not that you wouldn't be upset if you had a miscarriage. It's that you'd be more upset if you'd got ahead of yourself with the Facebook celebrations, clever ways of telling your OH he's going to be a dad, etc etc.

It's pretty hard to just suppress your emotions at will

Other generations managed to keep a lid on their emotions till they were sure they really had something to celebrate. When my brother was born in the 50's, people ordered a pram, but it wasn't collected till the baby was born. Baby showers make me want to cross my fingers. Even 15 yrs ago, our GP told my daughter, casually, as she was getting up to go, 'Lovely news, but remember that one in four pregnancies end in the first trimester.' She was a bit shocked at the time, but I'm grateful for the reminder.

The nature of a miscarriage varies even for 2 people at the same weeks pregnant but for most from 8 weeks there will be a sac and the miscarriage is nothing like a missed period. Some on here have commented that a miscarriage was straightforward at 9 weeks - that is possibly because no sac has developed for that particular person.

My point is how a woman will perceive the pregnancy will in part be influenced by the nature of the miscarriage. For many it won't be anything like a heavy period.

Being upset when you miscarry doesn’t mean you assumed all would be well and “got ahead of yourself”. I’ve spent three short pgs and one long one assuming every day that it would fail. It didn’t make it any easier when it did.

Many people who suffer rmcs have early scans (sometimes to eliminate ectopic pgs) and have seen the tiny embryo complete with heartbeat. Hard to feel dismissive about something with a beating heart.

I don’t talk about miscarriage in RL and this thread confirms why - for every sympathetic person you meet there’ll be another who thinks you are a snowflake.

Other generations managed to keep a lid on their emotions till they were sure they really had something to celebrate.

They maybe kept a lid on what they talked to others about. That’s not the same as keeping a lid on how they felt. I posted about a 17th century poem by a woman describing her miscarriage upthread, and it’s full of emotion.

I wouldn’t announce a pregnancy at early stages and I do worry when I see people posting a positive HPT on Facebook all “omg we’re going to be parents, looking for pram recommendations!” because I think a lot of people really don’t know how common miscarriage is. But at the same time I really don’t like the idea that women talking about pregnancy loss is a bad thing. We’ve had a good few generations of women told that the best way to deal with miscarriage/stillbirth/death in early infancy is just to not talk about it, and I don’t think that’s been kind to the women going through these losses.

Other generations managed to keep a lid on their emotions till they were sure they really had something to celebrate

It doesn't mean they didn't feel emotions and you have no idea what went on behind closed doors or what sort of mental struggles people were having. Depression and anxiety weren't really talked about back then either, it doesn't mean they didn't exist or that they weren't harmful and if someone was depressed or anxious following a MC but unable to talk about it then it was probably more harmful to them in the long-term.

I don’t talk about miscarriage in RL and this thread confirms why - for every sympathetic person you meet there’ll be another who thinks you are a snowflake.

You're anything but a snowflake

“But at the same time I really don’t like the idea that women talking about pregnancy loss is a bad thing“

I agree. But I also don’t like the idea that if you don”t want to talk about it you feel less.

Oh I agree Bertrand, I don’t talk about mine (outside a few online discussions like this I suppose).

I had very erratic periods when I was younger. I had hideous period pain and had a MC passed what was clearly a fetus. I do think the fact I had no idea I was pregnant reduced my feelings of loss, assuming I was 10 weeks I could have spent two months looking forward to being a mother.

The thing I don’t understand when women are trying to conceive in these times is the use of ovulation sticks, temperature tracking, sperm testing. People seem to use these things from day one not when they have been unable to conceive in a length of time.