AIBU to wonder if earlier generations really viewed early miscarriages differently?

[KitKat1985]

Just interested in garnering opinions on this really. I have debated whether to post this at all as I'm aware the subject matter is a sensitive one for a lot of people, so I've tried to really clear in the title that it's a thread about early miscarriages so those who don't want to read the whole post don't have to. But it's a conversation that really got me wondering recently so wanted to hear some views on it. I had a conversation recently with some women who were from a previous generation (think late 50's onwards). They basically said that back when they were having babies you weren't even really considered to be pregnant until you had missed two periods (so I guess would be about 8 weeks). They said they may have had occasions whereby they were late etc, but if they bled before the '2 missed period' mark they said they just put it down as 'one of those things', and were a bit dismissive about people in this generation who would report being really upset because they were having a miscarriage when it was very early on in their pregnancy. They also said that these days because of early sensitivity tests etc, people often consider themselves to be pregnant sometimes before their period is even late, which in their opinion was wrong and just led to a lot more heartbreak if things then didn't progress well. I'm wondering if they're telling the whole truth or not about how previous generations viewed early miscarriages. I can't completely believe that in a previous generation women didn't also feel a bit devastated if they started bleeding after they were late, and therefore must have probably also worked out that they were having an early pregnancy loss. I can to some extent sympathise with their theory though that testing really early can lead to more heartache. Do you think early miscarriages really were viewed differently a generation ago? Or do you think it was just more a taboo subject and if women were very upset about early losses they were just under societal pressure not to say it?

It depends a lot on the miscarriage too I suppose. If you had a v early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) you likely wouldn’t know it was more than a normal period. But I’ve had a miscarriage at I think just under 8 weeks, and there was no way I would have mistaken that for a period even if I hadn’t taken a test beforehand.

Also if you get pregnancy symptoms kicking in hugely before two months, you’d have a pretty good idea you were pregnant whether you’d seen a doctor or not.

My mum said something similar - that you were far less likely to know that you were pregnant in the very early stages. I knew I was pregnant from perhaps a week after I missed my period because the tests are so sensitive now. My mum lost two babies - one at term and one early on. So we did talk about it when I was pregnant. She talked about not trying to hold onto a pregnancy that was ending, as an act of love - taking the pain so that your child would never have to. I can't actually type that without tearing up a little. Maybe it's just my mum, but there seems to have been quite a fatalistic attitude, whereas now I think we expect to be able to control our lives more closely and to influence how things turn out. There are so many more 'rules' for pregnant women to follow (I believe - I'm not an expert) that I suspect that it's easy to feel that you are in some way to blame if a pregnancy goes wrong.

I don't know much about how everyone felt but I do know that my mum was treated wih an appalling lack of sensitivity when she had her stillborn DS - this would have only been the late seventies / early eighties and was in a military hospital so perhaps what she experienced wasn't the norm, but truly, the way that she was treated makes me so angry. If that was the case acrosd the board then I am sure that must have had a bearing on how women felt as well.

I notice a number of people have mentioned home testing being available but certainly when I had mine ,late 80s early 90s they were starting to become available but they were bloody expensive and doctor's wouldn't recognise them you still had to have the pee in a bottle send it off for confirmation.

I'm 58 - and when I was pregnant (during the 80's) no one told anyone they were pregnant before 12 weeks. It was considered unlucky.

I had 3 miscarriages between 1985 (when I had ds) and 1989(when I had DD) and I never had anyone to talk to about it - first one I had (at 8wks) my (male) GP said to me 'oh it's no more than a period really, you girls always get yourselves in a state about these things' (I hadn;t'got myself in a state', he was just being patronising)

2nd one was an ectopic pregnancy - and I had far more care surrounding that becase it was a physical operation I think and I was very ill - easier for people to deal with than someting emotional probably.

The third one - I was 20 wks - and they found no heart beat at my scan. sent me home for 2 weeks then I had to go back fro another scan and was told the baby was dead. On that occasion a nurse said to me 'it wasn't a real baby because it obviously wouldn't have lived anyway, so nothing to get upset about'.

I think there was a much more 'brush it under the carpet' attitude. But I might just have been unlucky.

I don't know how much aftercare women get now after a miscarriage, because obviously I haven't been pregnant fro many years, I hope it is better than I got. When I did eventually become pregnant with my DD I had a very kind Australian consultant and he was far more willing to talk about my previous miscarriages and the fears I had surrounding my pregnancy because of my prior experience.

I imagine miscarriage was more common in years gone by, simply because pregnancy was more common - people weren;t able to plan thier families in the same way they are now, and so got pregnant more often - that's going to mean higher incidence of miscarriage.,

So maybe it was considered in a more matter of fact way, or maybe as you say people couldn;t test early and so didn't even know they were pregnant. (I bled for the first three months of my pregnancy with DD only testing told me I was pregnant)

I didn't think people generally considered themselves to be pregnant before 12 weeks - regardless of their generation? Aren't the chances of miscarrying about 20% before that mark? It's just that most people don't know until after 12 weeks that they're pregnant so think it's their period, not a miscarriage?

I didn't find out about any of my pregnancies until 14 - 18 weeks.

Regarding previous generations though - I don't think they can have seen babies in the same way as we do now, let alone pregnancies. So many babies and young children died that people had large families to 'allow' for losing a few. I don't see how they could have coped with the emotional strain if they didn't have at least a slightly different outlook to us.

(I'm not talking about older people still alive today in the above paragraph of course - more about people living 150+ years ago)

I have also read accounts by women who lived before there were any pregnancy tests talking about having miscarriages, so they clearly knew (although that could have been later miscarriages I suppose).

Is it not a thing anymore to wait 3 months before telling anyone?

I must be old!!

I think we're mixing our generations up a bit here. I had my first DC in '93. I was doing preg tests and charting to conceive. I knew i was preg straight away.

Back in '65 my DM was told by her GP that her virtually non stop period was a 'women's problem' and that she was being unrealistic to expect to conceive. She took 5 years to fall for me.

My nan (born around 1900) didn't know what periods were until they began and she was given a rag and told how to clean it. She didn't know about sex till her wedding night!

No, I don't think it was as different as this person has suggested to you, OP. I was having children a generation ago, I guess, as oldest is in 20s now. No, it wasn't that different, as in the 1990s you still had pregnancy tests that were accurate from the first missed period & a bit before. I used them. But going back a bit further, tests would be accurate from approx 6 weeks after your last period. For instance, this history of home pregnancy tests in the USA says that the test which had been used all over Europe was now, in 1978, available in the USA and was accurate from 9 days after the expected start of the first missed period. clickamericana.com/eras/1970s/early-home-pregnancy-tests-1978-1985. So we'd be looking at 2 generations ago, at least, if not 3 generations ago, for women not to have a confirmed pregnancy until the second missed period.

In my entire lifetime (born at start of 1970s) I've never heard anyone say they weren't considered pregnant until 2 missed periods. After the first, many women would know it was quite likely and certainly in my teens (1980s), women knew they were pregnant by 6 weeks and were sad about miscarriages. My mother told me about being sad after a possible very early miscarriage in the 1960s.

I do think it can lead to disappointment to test too early, but otoh it can give you valuable information. Yes, it is different losing a pregnancy very early on. You're still allowed to be sad about it. I must admit to having felt a bit odd about it when a friend said she'd had a miscarriage due to testing before she was due and then having an apparently normal period on time. I felt she was making it worse for herself by thinking of it that way. Having had several difficult miscarriages involving haemorrhage and fetuses with identifiable parts, I felt that to some extent calling that experience a "miscarriage" left her with no vocabulary to go to if she had a more difficult one subsequently. Because those of us who miscarry are more likely to experience it next time, sadly.

I have been open about my losses, and have found that older women have quite often talked about theirs too, when the subject comes up. No, they didn't just get on with it. But maybe some were told they had to, and so perhaps resent what they may see as younger women being acknowledged in a way they weren't?

I am 47. When i was very young, 18, I didnt know i was pregnant until i started miscarrying at about 11 weeks, i just had on and off bleeding so went to drs, i didnt know i was pregnant, my cervix was open so the dr said i was losing it. I had to go home and bedrest for 2 days and then ring dr if still the same. I ended up needing a D & C. I suppose i might have felt a bit sad and bewildered but was by no means upset or devastated about it at all, maybe cos i didnt know i was pregnant i dont know but it never really bothered me

A few years later i missed a period completely and when i did come on the next month it was really heavy and painful, i think that might have been a miscarriage, i was usually very regular. That never bothered me either, i just thought what will be, will be. Never thought to do a test, they were very expensive then and only sold in Boots

So, not sure if it is a generational thing or not but i do think all this early testing is causing unecessary worry and heartache

It's just that most people don't know until after 12 weeks that they're pregnant so think it's their period, not a miscarriage?

Without going into graphic detail, this is really not what my experience of first-tri miscarriage is like. I’m guessing it varies a lot though.

My MIL didn't seem to acknowledge my pregnancy until I started to show. I know she had about 6 miscarriages and I wonder whether she had learned to cope by not thinking of herself as properly pregnant until later.

I'm mid 50's and hpt's were pretty accurate when I was having kids. You could test within a day or so of missing a period
But even now home tests are stated to be 99% accurate for false positives (possibly more likely to give false negatives, and personally, I had 2 healthy pregnancies which home tests did not detect).
99% means that even now, 1 in 100 tests will suggest that someone is pregnant, when they aren't, so they would likely think they had had an early miscarriage, when they had not.

Utterly pointless and meaningless, and quite self indulgent really
Greenshots what an insensitive arse you sound. Just because you can’t imagine a reason for testing early, of course there can’t be one.
I like many women who have had recurrent miscarriages have been on a treatment regime that required medication from ovulation until you were pg (or you stop as soon as you know you’re not) and other medication to start taking as soon as you get a bfp. So early results had a very definite, non-indulgent reason.
I’m sure other women not in that situation still may want to know as early as possible to for example avoid alcohol.
All my mcs were early and not one of them could have been mistaken for a period, unless your periods involve large clots and a pregnancy sac being passed.

Utterly pointless and meaningless, and quite self indulgent really
Greenshots what an insensitive arse you sound. Just because you can’t imagine a reason for testing early, of course there can’t be one.
I like many women who have had recurrent miscarriages have been on a treatment regime that required medication from ovulation until you were pg (or you stop as soon as you know you’re not) and other medication to start taking as soon as you get a bfp. So early results had a very definite, non-indulgent reason.
I’m sure other women not in that situation still may want to know as early as possible to for example avoid alcohol.
All my mcs were early and not one of them could have been mistaken for a period, unless your periods involve large clots and a pregnancy sac being passed.

"What is the point of detecting you have conceived before the pregnancy is established."

Some people need to take certain drugs as soon as they know there is a pregnancy.

If you are struggling to conceive the early tests will tell you if you are getting pregnant but having v early mc, which is useful information when seeking help with this.

When I fell pregnant at 18, I remember my nan telling me a story. She was 88 at the time.

About a year after she married, a lady said to her one day 'you are in the way' so nan said she turned around and said 'in the way of who?' And the lady laughed and said 'no lovely you are having a baby' and placed her hand on nannys tummy.
Nan said 'but I didn't even know how babies were made then!' She them went on to have a baby, and in her words 'was born too soon and he was badly deformed'
Gives

Posted to soon

Gives you an insight into thoughts over 100 years ago

I’m impressed at all the (lucky!) women who didn’t display symptoms of pg until the end of the first trimester. No weeks spent with constant nausea and painful boobs for them.

I think things were different for older generations.
I recently found out my grandmother had a full term still born boy in the late 1940s.
My mum remembers her mum being heavily pregnant, but no baby. When I asked what happened, she said that she thought she was left too long and went too far over her due date.
All that my mum said was that she saw my gran having a little cry in the kitchen to herself once afterwards and then it was never mentioned again. Even my mum, I asked her how did she feel about this baby, her brother in fact. She shrugged and said it was "just one of those things"

Quite sad really.

Things have changed with the availability of very early pregnancy tests. Before that you had no idea you were pregnant so early and if a pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, you probably didn't even know.

It's progress but things aren't always for the best

Completely agree with this.

I suppose it depends on your experience of pregnancy. I am 10 weeks pregnant, everyone knows, I have been unable to work because of hyperemesis which started a few days after I missed a period. My boobs have doubled in size, I'm exhausted. Frankly I feel like the most pregnant person in the world at the minute! I simply can't carry on as normal - I wish I could. If something happened now, it would very much feel like a loss. I suppose if you can get through first trimester without too many symptoms then the pregnancy may feel more of an abstract thing

My dm had a stillborn girl in the early 70s. The baby is buried with other stillborns in a London cemetery. Dm never saw her.

I think you were allowed to grieve mc and stillborns, but we're also expected to carry on with life.

Also, util about 20 years ago, you never admitted you were pregnant to until the 12 week scan, as then you felt the pregnancy was 'safe' and the mc risk was reduced.