AIBU to wonder if earlier generations really viewed early miscarriages differently?

[KitKat1985]

Just interested in garnering opinions on this really. I have debated whether to post this at all as I'm aware the subject matter is a sensitive one for a lot of people, so I've tried to really clear in the title that it's a thread about early miscarriages so those who don't want to read the whole post don't have to. But it's a conversation that really got me wondering recently so wanted to hear some views on it. I had a conversation recently with some women who were from a previous generation (think late 50's onwards). They basically said that back when they were having babies you weren't even really considered to be pregnant until you had missed two periods (so I guess would be about 8 weeks). They said they may have had occasions whereby they were late etc, but if they bled before the '2 missed period' mark they said they just put it down as 'one of those things', and were a bit dismissive about people in this generation who would report being really upset because they were having a miscarriage when it was very early on in their pregnancy. They also said that these days because of early sensitivity tests etc, people often consider themselves to be pregnant sometimes before their period is even late, which in their opinion was wrong and just led to a lot more heartbreak if things then didn't progress well. I'm wondering if they're telling the whole truth or not about how previous generations viewed early miscarriages. I can't completely believe that in a previous generation women didn't also feel a bit devastated if they started bleeding after they were late, and therefore must have probably also worked out that they were having an early pregnancy loss. I can to some extent sympathise with their theory though that testing really early can lead to more heartache. Do you think early miscarriages really were viewed differently a generation ago? Or do you think it was just more a taboo subject and if women were very upset about early losses they were just under societal pressure not to say it?

My dm is 80 and had a miscarriage. She didn't know she was pregnant till it happened. She remembers it but has never seemed particularly upset about it. I don't think she went to the doctor at that time either.

My mother was born in 1920. She was very upset when I miscarried and painted a picture of a rosebud that hangs on my wall today,

People were as different in their responses “then” as they are “now”. Read some Sophocles, some Shakespeare and some Dickens.

Bertrand I don't think the question of whether people grieved personally is the point, I think it's very clear that it's more socially acceptable to be more public in your grief now.

Whether a woman grieved privately over a mc isn't the question for me but certainly I would imagine she grieved very privately and didn't have access to any sort of counselling should she need it.

I remember in my last year at university actually during my finals. I had my period about 8 weeks late, and it was very heavy, clots etc. I went to the GP and he said I had miscarried but didn't do a test.
About 2 years later, again same scenario, but this time I had to physically 'push' out what was inside of me, and the pain was in waves like contractions (I already had a son).
We called 111, and they asked me to go to the local hospital to see the on call GP. So I took with me what I had passed. He said he didn't need to see it and to bin it, but I had to go to our other larger hospital for a scan to make sure I had passed the everything or if I needed a d & c. He was so matter of fact about it.
To be honest I was in bits. Thinking maybe I had done something, for example I was drinking, that had caused this to happen.
When I got to the larger hospital, the first thing the doctor asked was did I bring what I had passed with me. Luckily I had not binned it. When they tested it and done a pregnancy test. It turns out I was not pregnant. They said the lining of my womb had got quiet thick and it was just that which had broken down. The contraction pains, were from my womb contracting to pass the mass.
So even though that time it was not a miscarriage, I will never forget how cold that first doctor was, considering we thought it was a loss at the time. He didn't asked any questions, apart from what is wrong. He just made the decision, this is what it was, bin it and go to the hospital. We were probably with him for 3 minutes.

I remember my mother being carried down the stairs by paramedics when she was in the early stages of a threatened miscarriage. There's 12 year gap between my brother and me. I'd heard the GP on the phone saying something like, 'It's a much wanted pregnancy'. This was when abortions were illegal. I think it's significant that he felt he had to say that as it implies that a fair number of pregnancies weren't wanted. No pill, either, so more of them?

She was in hospital on bed-rest for weeks - I wasn't allowed to visit her because children couldn't go on the wards - and my brother was born safely.

I don't think there was a taboo as such among women. They certainly talked about them amongst themselves. I used to eavesdrop. But everything sex/period/pregnancy related was private. Voluminous maternity clothes. No cover photos of nude pregnant women, let alone photos of peed on sticks posted for everyone to see.

Of course some women were mentally scarred for life by repeated miscarriages. No fertility treatment or IVF. Or anti-depressants. But, in general, there was more stoical attitude to life. 69,000 civilians had just been killed in a world war, let alone those who were killed in combat.

I think it's more difficult now. With all the medical advances in other fields, it's hard to accept that the statistics have stayed the same. The feeling that there must be something that medics can do.

Bertrand - your post reminded me of my grandmother, who lost a baby in the 1920's, I inherited her Bible and inside it (in 'John' which was the baby's name) she had put a little poem about 'a tiny rosebud never a rose'. Which I found very sad and poignant - loss isn't diminished because it happened years ago, and people of past generations felt just as deeply as people do now.

They may have expressed it differently, but that is still true now - people have different ways of showing their feelings or choosing to keep them to themselves, giref is complex thing.

I don’t talk about miscarriage in RL and this thread confirms why - for every sympathetic person you meet there’ll be another who thinks you are a snowflake

I think that's an overreaction. I think most people are sympathetic. This is AIBU and it attracts posters who want to make 'outlier' remarks It's how some people get their kicks. Nearly everyone of the posters on this thread who have said that they weren't devestated by an early miscarriage has also said something along the lines that they understand everyone reacts differently etc.

I have genuinely never seen anyone announce a pregnancy on social media before 12 weeks. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but some of the posts on here seem to think everyone under 40 announces pregnancy as soon as they wee on a stick, which just isn't my experience at all.

I know @LisaSimpsonsbff I didn't even tell grandparents until I'd had a scan. Told everyone else (that I didn't see on a regular basis who had already noticed) at 20 weeks.

But maybe she wants the world to know,maybe that's her way of processing her grief and she wants her pregnancy to be acknowledged so that it was real and it meant something. Everyone reacts differently and you've no right to say she's wrong.

Neb out, as the saying goes.

I had a MC between Dc 1 & 2, only then to me I have a positive test then a few days later a heavy period. I remember being sad but also thinking I wish I hadn't tested ( about 28 years ago) I think about it every now and then. but have never told anyone that I had a MC because it didn't seem like one to me.

Some people find it more healing to be very open, other people prefer to keep their emotions very private. I think it's unlikely that you're better placed than her to know what would make her feel better.

My MIL (born in the thirties) was pragmatic almost to the point of brutality when I miscarried at 12 weeks after taking years to conceive. I love her dearly but I really didn't need the "we didn't know until we'd missed two periods" etc etc lecture. I know she miscarried a pregnancy herself but I expect she was back down the mines later that afternoon, God love her.

My dum is like this.

She cats bum faces at women who are upset at up to 3 month miscarriages.

When I was 7/8 m pregnant with my dd she said she wouldn’t be upset if I had a still birth as the baby wasn’t ‘real’ to her.

The way we have babies is so different now.

We use contraception then ‘choose’ to ttc when we specifically want a dc.

In my gt and gt gt dgm’s generation they just got married and the dcs came along when ‘god’ decided.

So each dc wasn’t planned for in the way lots of dcs are now.

My dgf was one of 11. I think his dm would have been relieved at some early losses rather than upset.

LeeBird. I get where you are coming from. Obviously in real life you wouldn't say anything but I think I would silently question how sensible it would be of someone to sit at home for six weeks for a very early miscarriage. Surely you would end up not being able to get it out of your mind. I'd go spare doing that in the best of circumstances. I wouldn't dream of actually passing a judgement on them as it would be impossible to know if there was anything else going on such as mental health issues.

Bearfrills thank you for your kindness.

I’ve had 5 mcs in my life. The first 3 I was quite relieved as I had no intention of staying with the man long-term, and no desire for a child. The 4th was very early, and was after I was married, but again, it didn’t upset me very much, dh and I had been married for such a short time, I was still at Uni etc. The last one, though, broke my heart.

I guess my situation is unusual, as I was pleased that I'd MC'd. I had DC1 after IVF. We had TTC for years, and I was convinced that I couldn't become pregnant "naturally" ie without medical intervention. About 18 months later, I had what turned out to be a very early MC. I didn't have any idea I was pregnant again, and in any case So, in a funny sort of a way, I was actually pleased I'd miscarried, as the MC was proof that I was able to conceive "naturally". I conceived, "naturally", about 3 months later and it was a successful pregnancy.

The OP used the phrase "late 50s onwards" which I took to mean women pregnant in the 1950s, not women who are currently in their late 50s. Anyway, it got me thinking about a previous thread about periods, where I learned that some women used to refer to them as "my friends", eg "my friends came today". (I think this may have been pre-WW2 even?). The explanation was that, when reliable contraception was not available, periods were welcomed as a sign that you were not in fact pregnant. This brings us back to the idea that if you already had several children, or even just one or two but you became pregnant easily, a MC was not necessarily a devastating event.

I want to make it clear that I am in agreement with those who say every woman reacts differently.

Fascinating thread.

Late 50s? That would be me then. Pregnancy tests were accurate, available over the counter and mine were both positive at under 5 weeks.

Some people are still 'old school'. My DM and her sisters do not like to hear announcements before 12 weeks as from their POV the chances of miscarriage are high therefore what is the point. My DM told me on the QT that my sister went for her 12 week scan (none of us knew she was pregnant) and it was a MMC but there were strict instructions that it wasn't to be acknowledged or spoken about.

Women were still upset at miscarriages in the past. But the difference is that early miscarriages were not recognised. I remember a lot of talk about late periods. Sometimes, thank god my period came, it was just late I am not pregnant. Sometimes, oh no I am not pregnant my period was just late. Some of those will have been early miscarriages.

So those who were desperate for a child will have been upset at a late period, but they would not have thought they had a miscarriage.

That is the big difference. Because early pregnancy could not be confirmed. And late periods were recognised as commonplace.

dox very early pregnancies could not be detected. And when I was young (I am mid 50s) pregnancy tests were very expensive. I am working class and everyone I knew went to Drs to get pregnancies confirmed.