AIBU to want my kids back??

[RoseNarene]

Just before Christmas my ex and I agreed at court to a child arrangement order whereby the kids (5 and 1) live with me roughly 65% of the time. The court order also stipulated Christmas arrangements as being shared 50/50, and were more specific for this Christmas - he was to have them from 9am Boxing Day and then I pick them up at 6pm on the 2nd January.

He has taken them to a holiday home in Wales and is demanding that I make the 5 hour journey to collect them on the 2nd. If I can't then he will bring them back on the 4th.

It may only seem like a couple of days but they have already been away from me for 7 days and my baby is only 1. This is all about control for him. He isn't technically breaking the court order because it says I have to collect them but it doesn't state a location, but we live 10 minutes from each other so the assumption would naturally be that I collect from his house.

What do I do?

Of course a ten hour drive is safe, how do you think people get from one end of the country to another? Just go and get them then take him back to court.

I'd go and get them and I can't drive, I'd go on the train.

It's totally doable. Set off early in the morning, get there before lunch, take the kids for a nice lunch and have a rest/break, then drive back. Or stop off at a premier inn or Travelodge on the way back and split the journey - make it a fun adventure for the kids.

but we live 10 minutes from each other so the assumption would naturally be that I collect from his house

Yes, that would be the basis on which the order was made - for you to pick up from his HOME address.

I would advise you to try and arrange to meet him halfway. Try and do this by text so you can document any unreasonable refusals by him and then, as previous posters have said, make a further application to vary the child arrangements order you have agreed so that the order specifies where collection and return are to and from. If you really can't collect them, you could explain to him that you will be doing this and seeking costs from him unless he returns the children tomorrow. Good luck.

Make the trip to collect your babies.

As soon as possible make a trip to your solicitor, your ex is being a controlling, manipulative wanker.

He won’t improve.

Go get them and be cheery about it. Don't let the asshat know it's bothered you.
Then get court to clarify collection location for next time as he will do it again.

But if OP isn't confident enough to drive almost 10 hours straight -- and that's assuming the traffic is good, then it wouldn't necessarily be safe to do it. I have CFS and I couldn't do it nowadays.

What you should do is airly thank him as such and such friend had invited you out for a good time and now you can go. Make out like it's great for you... bet he ends up bringing them back. And the get it sorted for next time

I would go and get the kids.

I would be so angry and could do that journey on adrenalin alone.

As you say, he thinks he is telling you he is holding all the cards. Take control.

Jacob also has a good idea.

Go and get them. It's only Wales.
If you get tired driving, stop and have a break, or even a kip in the car if DCs are asleep too.
Or maybe a friend or family member could make the trip with you?

I wouldn’t go and get them. He could do an about turn and bring them back on time. ‘Not his fault she drove all the way down there and he had come back, mixed messages type of thing.

I understand the anxiety but I would suck up the 2 days and go back to court to make things a bit more clear so he can’t exploit it.

Maybe use those couple of days asking someone to help scrutinise the orders to look for holes like this one?

Can you get the train?

You really should go get them, then back to court to tie up loose ends.

Sorry, Op, he sounds like a wanker.

What you should do is airly thank him as such and such friend had invited you out for a good time and now you can go. Make out like it's great for you... bet he ends up bringing them back. And the get it sorted for next time

Well played. Unless he can use it to his advantage in some way.

@Solo. It’s not a ten hour drive straight. It’s a ten hour round trip. That’s a five hour journey, broken into two to get her babies, 90 mins break for lunch, then a five hour journey back home broken into two. Even with breaks of 30 mins each way and 90 mins for lunch it’s less than 13 hours. Set of at 7am home by 8pm. Yes it’s a long day, buts not impossible. It depends on how much she wants her babies back on time. I’d have driven to the moon and back for mine when they were that little.

That seems like a really long time for a 1 yr old to be away from their primary caregiver. Usually, recommendations are that under 2's don't have nights away!

She picks the up at 6pm... that's midnight before they get home if she drives through!

That's why she thinks it isn't doable! And why he thinks he will win this round!

Drive there today, stay overnight, collect the children at 6 on the 2nd and drive home.

If you know that they are safe, and are being well cared for, I'd let him crack on. He'll probably never pull that stunt again.
However, you'll be well ready for him next time.💐

Have to say, my exh is starting to pull a few wanker moves after 5 years of being relatively reasonable. If it were me in this particular situation, I'd be inclined follow the suggestion of "Ok, cool, just bring them back with you on 4th then. I've been invited out tomorrow eve so it means I can go now"

I can pretty much guarantee he'll end up bringing them back to you if my ex is anything to go by.

I agree that a 5 hour return journey starting at 6pm isn't going to be great for any of you so just leave him to it. 2 more days isn't going to harm them and, if they do get fractious and start whining for mummy, well he'll have learnt a lesson won't he?

What you should do is airly thank him as such and such friend had invited you out for a good time and now you can go. Make out like it's great for you... bet he ends up bringing them back.

Not a good idea, it could easily backfire. He could then claim that you were more bothered about having fun than about your children.

Rose you have to get there somehow. But you don't have to get back. You can do that the day after.

Everyone talking about stopping for lunch, did you read the bit where the court order states collection at 6pm?

oh hes a sneay git.and he thinks hes won.so this in itself really makes me want you to go get them.allthough I no this round trip would not be doable so I'm wracking my brains.the nobber!
ok is there a cheap b&b you could look up or holiday inn.anywhere even a mate you could stay with closer by or on way back.so you can at least get them then stay somewhere less distance away from home?
then go bac to courty.
but this way he knows he isn't winning control in this way and u will fight for ur kids.or is there anyone who could come with you to share the driving.

Pricilla yes but, you can't possibly know what is doable for anyone other than yourself. I used to drive for a living and do 10/12 hour shifts but, I couldn't do it now.

Don't make light of it to him, OP, because he may use that in court to dismiss any of your complaints. Send him a message, saying that you would be unable to drive that far and back, in one day because it would be too difficult for you. Calmly explain that you will be happy to go back to court to clarify where the pick up point will be in future, as you think he has misunderstood the agreement. Keep factual and don't get drawn into an argument with the wanker.