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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
HermioneAndMsJones · 01/01/2018 11:37

Well I’m sorry but I think that the OP INBU

If you are not used to drive that far, I can see why it would look like a big ordeal. In that case, you break the journey. Not with an overnight stay but with a long lunch time break and several shorter breaks. Yes u might end up having a 9 hours journey but it will feel totally manageable.

However, what is WRONG is for him to say that 6 hour drive followed by a 4 hut drive (even if he does only half of the driving so 2 hours) is totally different to doing a 7 hour drive.

It sounds much more Li,e he didn’t want to go to see family for Christmas but is very keen for his 2 days (bender?) fun with his friends....

MaggieFS · 01/01/2018 11:37

Have you tried learning OP? My brother is dyspraxic and it took him a while plus two tests but he got there in the end. If you can afford lessons and find a patient instructor it would be worth trying.

FWIW I also think 9 is too young for the front seat.

MaggieFS · 01/01/2018 11:45

Sorry! Thought I'd got to the end and I obviously hadn't. I now see you'd tried and will have more lessons. Good luck!

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 11:50

I have tried learning, lots.

It's usually money that forces the lessons to stop. It's expensive to keep trying and trying.

Yes I can see now that DH's motivation is the differentiating factor.

Problem is I didn't want to stay in a hotel on the way down. Didn't want to waste the money, spend two days in a car and lose time with family.

But he did and I wasn't allowed an opinion.

But a similar ( in my eyes) drive on the way back is fine to him

Because of the motivating factor .

Och well, like I said in my OP, the answer is to pass my test. I'll just need to fucking do it.

( although I must say it it's pretty galling for that to be the solution. Like saying "ok disabled person, because you can't walk you get no opinion on things that involve walk, unless you get up and walk " well not quite, because maybe I'll get there if I keep trying. But that does involve DH believing in me, is to keep paying for specialist lessons and change the car to automatic. Anyway. I'll keep trying.

OP posts:
SunshineTheMonkey · 01/01/2018 11:53

You sound like a bit of a martyr to me "I've apologised for thinking I'm allowed an opinion"

Anyway as long as you're happy I suppose that's the main thing.

tygr · 01/01/2018 11:54

I've driven seven hours in a day - pretty much non-stop in fact with only a couple of loo and snack breaks.

I guess it depends on how tired he was feeling before he started.

But if you don't drive then I suppose you have to leave those kinds of decisions to him and what he feels he needs. Having an accident as a result of tiredness would be unthinkable.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/01/2018 11:56

With a specialist teacher and an automatic you may find you can drive.

However even if you never drive its not reasonable that you get no say. I've often been the main driver over long distances, as has DH.

Its a balance between the needs (including tiredness, fractious children etc) and preferences of everyone traveling, not the total monopoly of the driver.

Sashkin · 01/01/2018 11:56

There might be any number of reasons to split the journey on the way down. Maybe he knows from experience that it always takes longer to pack the car up and get everyone ready, and you always end up leaving hours later than planned (certainly the case in our house).

I’d never plan a 7 hour journey in winter because I know we’d end up setting off at midday, hit all the London shopping traffic, and end up arriving late at night. I’d also feel pressure not to take a break if we were already running late.

If we set off the night before and had got a couple of hours’ driving already done, we could set straight off from the hotel the following morning (car already packed, no distractions slowing the kids down). We’d already be out of London and close to the motorway. I’d feel much happier about driving in those circumstances.

Welshwabbit · 01/01/2018 11:57

OP, glad you managed to resolve things. I do think there is a difference between driving with your kids in the car (even if your non-driving partner is technically responsible for them it can still be stressful) and having your mate drive you alone in the car to a party, with the possibility/likelihood that you'll do a small part of the driving. Also a difference between driving 7 hours after a week of work and driving a similar or greater distance after a week's holiday. I don't know if that helps understand the grumbling on the way up?

I think though that if you want to try driving again your DH needs to get on board. He can't say he wants control over all the arrangements because you can't drive whilst actively preventing you from learning. That's not fair or reasonable of him.

HermioneAndMsJones · 01/01/2018 11:58

Btw doing a drive 6 hours straight is crazy anyway.
You are supposed to do a 2hours and then a break...
If you do that, the difference between 6 and 7 hours isnt that big ....

Sashkin · 01/01/2018 12:00

Just seen your update: it’s the exact opposite of your disabled example. We’re saying that, as the driver, he is the only person who can judge how tired he is and when he needs to stop.

A more accurate disabled example would be somebody telling a disabled person that they can totally walk a couple of miles more, they’re just being lazy for stopping early.

goldopals · 01/01/2018 12:00

7 hours is not too far to drive in one day as long as you stop every couple of hours for a short break. I drive ten hours regularly as my fiance lives far away from me. I do this by myself.

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 01/01/2018 12:03

@Greenshoots1

Its not wrong t all, it can be very hard to learn to drive with dyspraxia, and very dangerous even if you do pass your test.

The fact that someone would apologise for thinking they’re allowed to have an opinion is prolematic imo and seems wrong (to me personally).

Anyhow, yes, absolutely.

But telling someone to not take the test because they have dyspraxia but also telling them that they didn’t take the test / don’t drive and therefore don’t have the right to have an opinion?! About how they as a family travel, spend their money etc?

Lizzie48 · 01/01/2018 12:04

I did notice that your DH is being awkward about buying an automatic car, as he doesn't like them. That's not fair on you. If an automatic car would make it easier for you to learn, he absolutely should be supportive in this. It sounds as if he's actively putting obstacles in your way.

The only thing against an automatic is that you're then not qualified to drive a non automatic car.

Cappella · 01/01/2018 12:04

OP - I'm in a slightly different situation in that even though I've been driving 20 years and do so most days, DH seems to feel uncomfortable being in the passenger seat with me driving. So even if I offer to split the driving in long journeys, he refuses. He won't discuss it, he just says he'll drive and he's fine. It is for this reason that I just book the train and hire a car at the other end. It's so much less stressful for all concerned.

Make it a New Year's resolution to learn to drive on an automatic. You will never look back and the DC will thank you for it. Good luck!

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 01/01/2018 12:07

But yes, driving is dangerous and the driver is the one that has to decide whether they’re comfortable and able to make a drive.

Which also depends on the time of day, the week someone had, health issues, the weather etc.

catx1606 · 01/01/2018 12:07

As someone who doesn't drive, you really have no idea what it's like to do a long drive like that and are BU. Yes he may regularly do 5 and 6 hour drives but that tells me that he knows how tiring it is and that's why he wants to stop at a hotel for the night. The difference between the two journeys is that the one down seems to be happening over night so when he will be most tired. It's dangerous to drive when you are every tired so he's putting your safety and his first and is perfectly within his rights to want to stop overnight. On the way back, it's going to be during the day so he won't be as tired so may be able to manage the 6 hour journey better. It helps that his friend will be helping with the last bit of the journey (last 4 hours) my DH used to regularly drive to Scotland for work and he was left shattered for a couple of days after doing the journey and I never fully appreciated why until I did part of the journey. Also everyone can cope with different driving times. What could be fine for one, might not be fine for another.

greendale17 · 01/01/2018 12:08

**Problem is I didn't want to stay in a hotel on the way down. Didn't want to waste the money, spend two days in a car and lose time with family.

But he did and I wasn't allowed an opinion**

Then learn to drive and see how you like it

FluffyWuffy100 · 01/01/2018 12:09

I wouldn’t drive 7 hours in one day without a second driver.

I have done 6 hours with a break for lunch.

He says his friends will do most of the next journey anyway.

I think you are U.

MargaretCavendish · 01/01/2018 12:09

What was your actual ideal plan for the way down? What time did you think you should leave and arrive to do it in a day?

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 12:10

greendale17

Stop being aggressive. Your posts are awful and add fuck all.

BashStreetKid · 01/01/2018 12:11

its not wrong t all, it can be very hard to learn to drive with dyspraxia, and very dangerous even if you do pass your test.

Now that really is nonsense. Someone who is inherently a very dangerous driver isn't going to pass their test, and if dyspraxia were a condition that leads to this then there would be all sorts of restrictions around allowing people with dyspraxia to drive. My dyspraxic DD is the safest driver I know, because she's inherently extremely cautious.

FluffyWuffy100 · 01/01/2018 12:12

And I’m sure the party with friends IS A nice motivating factor. But really who are you to judge that he wasn’t tired enough for an overnight stop on the way down. I’d be telling you to fuck right off if you were demanding I did 7 hour drive when I couldn’t face it.

passmethewineplease · 01/01/2018 12:13

Hmm I wouldn't want to drive 7 hours in one go... I dont ththink unk I'd stay over anywhere though more like have an hour at the services and get something to eat.

I used to think DP was lying when he said he was tired from driving, it's only since j started driving myself that I realise it is actually tiring. You have to be on the ball all the time, it's mentally tiring.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 12:17

He decided a month or so before the drive down to book the hotel. It wasn't that he decided he was too tired to face it.
And we had no time constraints to going down . Could have left at 5 am. Could have left whenever. He chose to have a long lie and breakfast them pack car and leave mid morning. And get to the hotel mid afternoon.

My ideal would have been to leave earlyish morning and stop 2-3 times on route, getting there before dark . Like we normally do on 6 hour trips.

OP posts: