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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
grannytomine · 01/01/2018 10:55

EggysMom I would feel differently about doing a 7 hr journey for a holiday in June or July than I would in late December. I did a 4 hr drive a few weeks ago when there was heavy snow, it was much worse than a 7 hr drive on a bright sunny day with clear roads.

I really think people should respect a driver's view of how long they can drive and when they need a break. The OP and her children's lives were in this man's hands. Trust his judgement.

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 10:58

Glad it's sorted (although you shouldn't apologise for having an opinion!)

My thought was that if he can drive 6 hours with a half an hour break, then he can do 7 hours with a longer break. An hour or even two. Makes more sense then a £200 hotel stay.

NerrSnerr · 01/01/2018 10:58

It’s personal isn’t it. I could do 7 hours in one day but I wouldn’t like it and would prefer to break it up. Do all the people saying ‘7 hours is fine’ not have the imagination to realise people are different?

C8H10N4O2 · 01/01/2018 10:58

its not wrong t all, it can be very hard to learn to drive with dyspraxia, and very dangerous even if you do pass your test

Gods, last night you were telling an OP her toddler would die because of one sip of cider.

Today you are an expert on dyspraxia who 'knows' that even after taking special lessons and passing a test someone with dyspraxia is dangerous on the road. Putting you at odds with DVLC and safety organisations.

So which of your spurious relatives works at DVLC and told you this then?

OP I think if its possible for you it would be good to learn. I disagree profoundly that you get no say because you don't drive. You, presumably are on child duty for the whole trip - it has to be a shared decision considering both the driver tiredness and the children.

We always found with young children that starting very early and stopping for a short break every couple of hours worked best. It breaks up the journey for the children and driver without adding too much time. We both regularly drove long distances solo with the children.

2018IsGoingToBeMyYear · 01/01/2018 11:00

It's his choice isn't it how much and when he drives. If he wants to do 7 hours in 2 days then 6 in one day then that's really up to him.

Lizzie48 · 01/01/2018 11:01

I think it's also very likely that your DH wanted to make sure he would be driving, as far as possible, in the daylight. You get 6 hours of daylight at this time of year. When you're tired, at the end of a long journey, the last thing you want to be doing is driving in the dark.

Greenshoots1 · 01/01/2018 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notafish · 01/01/2018 11:02

Glad to hear it is sorted. Good luck with your driving lessons.

greendale17 · 01/01/2018 11:03

YABVU.

He has done all the driving and spent time away with your relatives and now you are moaning that you had to leave at 6am and say goodbye to your relatives in the dark?

Unbelievable

BitOutOfPractice · 01/01/2018 11:03

I don't like the "I'm not allowed an opinion" bit but YABU. 7 hours IS too far to drive in one day. It's his Christmas break too she tbh the thought of 13 hours driving to go and see mr ILs would make me cry a bit.

Coconutspongexo · 01/01/2018 11:04

Maybe I just know more than you full stop. Or maybe I just know more than you about topics that have come up recently.

Happy New Year... maybe this year you’ll stop acting petty? Who knows.

BusterGonad · 01/01/2018 11:04

Titty
Horseshit. We used to drive for 13 hours for our Xmas holidays (admittedly shared between 2). Hmmmm. That's 6.5 hours each, well I wouldn't drive for over 4 hours regardless of what anyone else feels happy driving (I also get terrible sore hips due to the clutch) Even after 2 hours my brain gets tired of so much concentration. And I'd be interested to see the statistics for hours driving versus accidents!

C8H10N4O2 · 01/01/2018 11:06

no I wasn't. I was telling her he needed checking

You were willfully upsetting an anxious mother in the face of any reasonable evidence.
You then refused to provide any evidence for your PoV when others were able to cite.

I'd call that nasty.

BTW, I'm the pope, this is the internet we can all claim expertise. If you don't back it up I'll continue to assume you are talking with the same degree of true expertise you fail to demonstrate elsewhere.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 11:08

I don't know if my dyspraxia will prevent me from driving. It has so far. But I've not tried learning with a specialist instructor and in an automatic car. DH not keen on us getting an automatic car, because he doesn't like them and there's not as much choice . But I'm going to have to insist rather than put up with not being allowed an opinion on travel plans.

OP posts:
CheeseyToast · 01/01/2018 11:09

Midnight I so agree. The only time I've ever fallen asleep at the wheel is driving through the outback of Australia- thousands of kms of unchanging scenery, no traffic and high temperatures- v difficult to stay alert.

CoteDAzur · 01/01/2018 11:11

She was also an expert on weed cultivation yesterday, telling everyone that they must be supporting child slavery if they have an occasional smoke.

All hail MN's very own "Renaissance Man", expert in every conceivable subject under the sun Smile

PocketCoffeeEspresso · 01/01/2018 11:12

I don't mind driving long drives, I would do that no problem, just to get it over with I'd do it late or early too (I have been the only one awake in a car of sleeping kids/DP frequently - I quite enjoy the peace!) BUT DP (who is also probably dyspraxic - DS is, and he's a clone of his father, with the same issues) finds driving very tiring (as I expect would you) - he can sometimes manage long drives, but sometimes he's just past it at an hour and we have to switch.

The thing that's helped him the most is to make sure we always hire an automatic, so he's only got the driving to concentrate on and doesn't have to ever think about gears. If you decide to learn, seriously consider going automatic.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 11:13

And just to reiterate

It wasn't so much him deciding that he needed breaks in a long drive

It was the inconsistency in

7 hour drive - overnight stay necessary and lots of moaning

6 hour drive plus four further hours drive share- doable in a day with breaks and an upbeat attitude.

Thanks to all folk commenting , this thread has been very helpful in helping me think about the motivation factor in a neutral wAy.

OP posts:
mummyhaschangedhername · 01/01/2018 11:13

Sorry I think YABU. We both drive, but my husband tends to always do the driving as I hate it. He is the opposite, I'd prefer to break up the journey and he prefers to do it all in one day/night, it's about 9/10 hours to visit his family. We obviously both have our opinions and express them but driver gets final say. If I insisted he would get a travel lodge but last time we did my daughter jammed her finger in a door and lost the tip which was many days of hospital visits, surgery etc. So I'm less inclined to push these days. 😂

skippy67 · 01/01/2018 11:21

He's done a week with your family. He wants to get back asap so he can party with his friends. That's all.

Rhynswynd · 01/01/2018 11:24

Yanbu. On our move from Queensland to Vic DH and I pulled 12 hour drive for a week. 7 hours is not too much unless he is sick or has sleep issues. You just need to take regular breaks. It's not hard.

Equimum · 01/01/2018 11:25

I don’t think YABU. DH would happily drive 7 hours in a day, despite not doing so regularly, but we’d factor in a couple of breaks, including one of around an hour.

MrBloomsLeftVeg · 01/01/2018 11:30

Meh. Husband drives 14 hours in one hit to work every fortnight. We quite regularly do the same journey as a family. It's 7 hours driving each then. It's all relative to where you live. We are remote and two and a half hours to the city minimum so 5-7 hours driving on a day out would be normal.

MiaowTheCat · 01/01/2018 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunshineTheMonkey · 01/01/2018 11:36

7 hours is much much harder than 6.

You wouldn't know as s non driver but honestly, the last hour is a killer.