Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

[hooochycoo]

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

All the 'if he can do 6 hours he can do 7' posts make no sense. By that logic there's never a limit, because if he can do 7 he can do 8, and if he can do 8 he can do 9.

I'd also be curious to know what exactly the arrangements were for driving down. If you could have left any time of day then I agree that it was probably unnecessary to stay overnight, as you could have had a three hour break in the middle. If, however, you were going to leave mid-afternoon and so arrive late at night then he's completely right that that's not the same at all as driving from 6am to 1pm.

I think it would be useful to know often the OP sees her family before people judge it's unreasonable for her DH to visit for a week Perhaps DH lives near his family. Perhaps the OP mover away from her family to blsuit tge DH. Perhaps she's not spent Christmas and new year with her family for over 5 years. We don't know enough to judge. Marriages are partnerships. We supposed to support each other's happiness. I hate this assumption that it's the worst thing to expect a man to spend any tme with his in laws.

Often people have to take annual leave for a week at Christmas so it might not have impacted his annual leave tgat he'd have chosen otherwise.

Loving the competitive "I can drive for over 48 hours with no sleep/food/toilet stops"

We aren't all the same. I don't hate driving, but I don't love it either. It is a means to an end. I hate driving on congested roads in stop start traffic though.

I should also say that my mother was dyspraxic, but learnt to drive fairly quickly, and drove very safely for years. I appreciate that everyone is different, but you shouldn't just write it off. It's immensely freeing- changed her life.

Kits Harrington I'm sure lots will jump on you for that comment...but there's really no comparison between driving six hours between towns in Australia, and doing six hours on a bank holiday, to go just eighty miles up the M5 in British weather.

I think he's done you a big favour driving all that way to see his in laws, which I expect he sees as a chore.

I wouldn't do either a 6 or 7 hour drive by myself if no one else to share the driving with. But it's easier driving on your own with no distractions, whining kids etc, you can choose your own music etc and not gave to listen to Frozen soundtrack etc.

Overall if you don't drive for whatever reason that puts a big responsibility on your dh shoulders generally in your lives so I really don't think you should complain.

And yes people do longer distances in the US, Australia or Europe but generally roads are much less congested, pleasanter and less dangerous due to less cars.

Kits I think English roads are far more congested (therefore take more concentration) then some in Australia and some states in the US. I could be wrong though!

You wouldn't say that driving along some of our country roads in the early hours of the morning. Long straight stretches of absolutely nothing mean it is easy to drift off. The only thing keeping you alert is the occasional roo trying to land on your bonnet. I've driven long distances in the UK (and Europe and the US) and there is generally a lot more to hold the drivers interest and to keep them alert.

I reckon even if the drive was 7 hours back there would be a reason he could suddenly do it in one day. And the drive today isn't 6 - it's 8 if you add the additional 2 hours he is driving to get to his party.

I think he is changing the rules to suit tbh and can see why OP is annoyed.

YABU.

He's the one driving so it's his choice how he wants to do it. I understand your reason for not learning so far but even if it took you twice as long to learn as someone who isn't dyspraxic you probably could have learnt by now, given him a break from driving, and avoided disagreements like this.

Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive

I personally really disagree with this. (Unlike most popsters on this thread)

You’re married! It’s normal that someone doesn’t do something. But it’s still your money (the money in your marriage) that pays for the gas, the hotel room etc. And it seems rather disrespectful...

And then there’s the fact that he moaned about going to your parents but cheerfully agreed to drive 6+4 hours today, make all of you leave early (and thereby shortening the time you had with your family a second time)... which makes it seem like he clearly prioritises his social calendar over being with your family or doesn’t like staying with his in-laws. I imagine that this is what you’re truly upset about?

However, 7 hours is a lot... so YABU to not understand that.

The drive down presumably came after a week at work and the run up to Christmas when everyone would be stressed and knackered. You then arrive and there's lots of chat and faff when all you want to do is collapse but it's not your house so you can't! The drive back is after a week off eating and relaxing and that does make a difference. So does making an early start. I quite often break the outward journey but not the homebound leg which never seems as long. And you're heading towards your own bed!!!

Well we drive up to Scotland in a day regularly (7 hours from where we are) and DH does all the driving. We do stop a couple of times but I still think YABU. If DH wanted to do it with an overnight shop I'd be fine with it because he's the one it affects most. I think you're being a but unfair, driving for that amount of time is so exhausting.

*Break the outbound journey overnight, still stop on the way home but for an hour or so!!

i've tried to learn how to drive many times. My dyspraxia has made it very very difficult, money is not endless for lessons and DH consistently says he doesn't think I can do it/ wouldn't be safe.

I usually do take the train to see my family, even when the kids were baby and toddlers. But this was our first Christmas visit to my family in 8 years and the first since both my parents died three years ago. And DH does like my family and we did have a great time. So hush stereotypical in law bashing folk.

DH and I have have chatted at a service station. He's apologised for not allowing me an opinion. I've apologised for thinking I'm allowed one. I've thanked him for driving and we've agreed I'm getting special needs driving lessons and we're swapping for an automatic car.

We're good.

Thanks everyone!

Personally I don't think 7hrs in one day is too much. With a decent break it's perfectly doable but yes everyone is different.

I disagree with the stance of 'you don't get a say as you don't drive' - you are in a partnership and neither of you can do everything so you have to support each other. Neither do I agree with the idea that 'he is doing you a massive favour'! Again it's a partnership! I can't do diy so the husband does it but he does it in the way we both agree on, not just him! He's better at settling our younger one at night so he does it at the time we both agreed on. He cooks better so he cooks more but food we both like etc. He may have a greater input on things he can do and same for me but it remains a partnership! What if one partner works only, would they be doing the other one a favour by allowing them to spend the money too??

So in my mind you should both discuss and agree together on the best way to drive up and down! To me it seems that he is unreasonable saying he needs a hotel break for 7hours but can do 6hours without a stop or with a very small stop. That doesn't add up. And to say you don't have a voice because you don't drive is disrespectful!

I think there are more things to consider than just 6 hr versus 7 hrs. At this time of year it is easy to hit bad weather, it is easy to end up driving in the dark. I had to do a drive last night, it was dark and very heavy rain and it was more draining than a much longer drive with good visibility.

Then there are the roads to consider, a 7 hr drive on good roads or 7 hrs with 5 of the on narrow twisting side roads.

If you don't drive none of those things will really mean as much to you as they do to him.

I always find driving home easier, I think it is to do with being on more familiar ground as you are getting tired near the end of the journey.

Yabvu I'm a good driver but I couldn't drive 7 hours in a day the max I do these days is 4 1/2-5. 7 hours I wouldn't be safe to drive would you rather he fell asleep at the wheel? I'd have gone for an overnight stay too especially if I was driving with children in the back

I’m Laughing at all the 7 hours is too far in one day posts. I regularly drive about 3&1:2 hours to our head office spend the day in meetings and drive home again the same night. Tiring yes but not undoable.

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable but probably more so your husband as he’s prepared to do excessive driving to suit his needs but not anyone else’s.

Have you looked into Irlens syndrome? Tinted glasses might help you.

Travis1 and would you laugh if someone was forced to drive 7 hrs when they felt it was beyond them and then crashed, maybe killing several people in the process? Oh how we laughed.

i've tried to learn how to drive many times. My dyspraxia has made it very very difficult, money is not endless for lessons and DH consistently says he doesn't think I can do it/ wouldn't be safe

So he’s telling you that it’s better if you don’t learn how to drive but also saying that you can’t have an opinion because you don’t drive?!

You apologised for thinking you were allowed to have an opinion?

This makes me supremely uncomfortable. It Just seems... wrong, sorry.

Travis1 and would you laugh if someone was forced to drive 7 hrs when they felt it was beyond them and then crashed, maybe killing several people in the process? Oh how we laughed.

exactly, you sound like someone who doesn't actually have any understanding of safety for yourself or anybody else on the road, and massively over confident and cock sure. Exactly the sort of person who shouldn't be driving at ll

I've done 7-8 hours driving to go on holiday with family before now. I don't think that a 7hr journey is particularly difficult, I'd actually find it more tiring and stressful to break the journey at a hotel en route (different bed, organising accommodation, cost, boredom that evening in hotel, eating out ...).

Btw, I’m not saying that your DH was wrong for wanting to stay in a hotel. But I do think that telling you that you’re not allowed to have an opinion is the main issue. (And the moaning and complaining)

This makes me supremely uncomfortable. It Just seems... wrong, sorry.

its not wrong t all, it can be very hard to learn to drive with dyspraxia, and very dangerous even if you do pass your test.

No body with a dyspraxic relative is going to NOT worry about them driving, however much you want them to

Driving can be very mentally exhausting (and physically, sometimes after big drives my leg cramps up from all the clutch control) so I don’t think it’s fair for you to dictate what is and isn’t too much driving, or if the driver needs a break. You don’t know anything about this area so it’s not your call, and you should feel grateful your partner is willing to drive you around forever.