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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
HermioneAndMsJones · 01/01/2018 22:21

butt the big difference is that you TALKED about it instead if acting as if your partner was stupid and/or would magically understand why you really wanted the break.

Talking about it and explaining you want a break or a week with family is too long is OK.
Putting people down because they pull you up on your double standards isn’t.

Meowstro · 01/01/2018 22:23

Not RTFT. Long journeys are best done at night especially with children of that age so they can sleep but it's tiring, as you don't drive you wouldn't know that and can't take over either. Me and dh have done a similar drive but swap or nap in the car at a service station. IMO, tiredness kills and your husband is right, better to be safe than sorry and break the journey up.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 22:25

He's generally utterly wonderful. I love him to bits. He's kind, caring, funny, loving, honest, a great dad and everything I want.

He does however really resent I can't drive.

He won't obstruct me learning again if I insist. I haven't insisted for a while as I genuinely hate it. Honestly feel like I'm going to throw up from anxiety during every lesson.

OP posts:
evilharpy · 01/01/2018 22:27

I find driving tiring. I don't know why as I like driving and am not remotely nervous etc but it always makes me sleepy. 2 hours is usually my limit without a short break. For a 7 hour journey I would need a nap somewhere in the middle. I would find 6 hours far more manageable than 7 hours. Everyone is different. YABU.

Also my friend has dyspraxia and has had no problems learning to drive. He takes a while to get used to driving a different car but other than that no different to anyone else.

BakedBeans47 · 01/01/2018 22:28

If it’s just this one fairly minor point and everything else in your relationship is fine I think you’d be better just letting it drop, but telling him he can do one re the £200 hotel next time - you get as decent a rest in a travelodge!

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 22:29

I never tried to force him not to break the journey when he told me he was booking the hotel. I just said I didn't get it because we've driven six hours regularly and that I would rather not waste money on a hotel/ lose a day with family. He was angry that I'd even voice that opinion. Which the majority agree with.

OP posts:
FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 01/01/2018 22:29

You’re so not being u.

He told you that it’s better for you not to get a driver’s licence and then he turn around and uses his own advice and your dyspraxia against you.

He spent 200£ on a hotel (your married, that’s not just his, that mo ey belongs to both of you), told you that you can’t have an opinion and decided a month in advance that he couldn’t do a 7 hour drive but can do a 6.5hour one when it’s about his social calendar. That’s a supremely cuntish thing imo.

Does he often do things like that?

BertrandRussell · 01/01/2018 22:29

"I think he's done you a big favour driving all that way to see his in laws, which I expect he sees as a chore. "
What the actual fuck??

TheLuminaries · 01/01/2018 22:30

I have to say, I would resent it my DH didn't drive & couldn't share the driving load on long journeys. It would probably make me feel a bit put upon & a bit grouchy. It looks like you have your new year resolution.

buttfacedmiscreant · 01/01/2018 22:30

yes, talking and having respect is a good thing, but perhaps her DH felt like she was trying to persuade him to do something he plain didn't want to do. Or maybe he is an arse. Who knows.

OP, you said
"Like saying "ok disabled person, because you can't walk you get no opinion on things that involve walk, unless you get up and walk " well not quite, because maybe I'll get there if I keep trying. But that does involve DH believing in me, is to keep paying for specialist lessons and change the car to automatic. Anyway. I'll keep trying."

Driving seven hours is kind of like saying that if two people are going on a hike and one is in an all terrain buggy and the other is pushing them that the person who is going to be pushing should get to say that they don't want to do it for seven hours straight because that is too much in one go for them. The person in the all terrain buggy should also get a say in it, but if it comes down to the person in the buggy says they want to do seven hours and the person pushing says that they don't want to do that... who gets to decide?

Lizzie48 · 01/01/2018 22:30

If it’s just this one fairly minor point and everything else in your relationship is fine I think you’d be better just letting it drop, but telling him he can do one re the £200 hotel next time - you get as decent a rest in a travelodge!

This is where your DH is very unreasonable. We find that Premier Inns are great, and have everything you need. And our DDs love staying in them.

BakedBeans47 · 01/01/2018 22:32

I suppose it depends on when you are doing the driving. In summer it’s easy to do it all in daylight and the weather makes driving easier. We drive long distances (much longer than 7 hours) in summer without batting an eyelid but I am much more reticent to do so when a chunk of the journey is done in darkness.

yippyyappy · 01/01/2018 22:36

9 year old in the front seat isn't 'perfectly fine'. It's illegal where I live too. Airbag off even. Booster seat even. Still illegal.

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 22:37

He was angry that I'd even voice that opinion. Which the majority agree with.

OP, bear in mind the majority haven't RTFT and still think he is doing 6 hours for the return journey, not 7.5 hours.

It doesn't matter if he feels 'aggrieved'. You can't self-censor yourself all the time. What happens when he feels 'aggrieved'?

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 22:43

We have a row. He gets in a sulk with me. Normal stuff. Nowt sinister.

I think he probably still thinks it was a six hour journey on the way back. Because that is what google maps says it is from my family to where he was meeting his friend. But we both forgot in the planning about needing to drop me and the kids off s route, which adds 1.5 hours to the journey.

we're planning on a few sessions of marriage counselling in the new year so I think I'll just leave it till then.

OP posts:
FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 01/01/2018 22:44

Btw, op, I don’t drive. I mean, I know how to drive but I’ve never gotten a license. (Long Story. But I’m planning on getting one because DH parks like a crazy person...)

Anyhow. I’d be furious if DH tried to pull this shit. ‘You dont don’t drive. You therefore can’t have an opinion.’

Lovely idea. Let’s apply it to a few other issues (some couples might happen to argue about...).

I’m the main earner. DH currently earns v little... So he isn’t allowed to have an opinion about our family finances? Or how we furnish our house?

I’m usually also the one that does the food shopping... DH should be glad. I mean, I paid for it and did the shopping, right? Who cares if I don’t consider his wishes. He should apologise for thinking that he’s allowed to have an opinion at all.

DH is the one that does most childcare related things. So I’m not allowed to have an opinion about that either, right?

Mumsnetters would be outraged if anyone tried to pull this shit if it was about family finances, childcare, medical issues, baby names, pets... But as soon as it involves a car Hmm

TheThickenPlots · 01/01/2018 22:50

We usually do a 7 hour journey when we go on holiday, we have young kids (3&6) and I’m the only driver. We manage it in a day, we just schedule lots of breaks in and take extra ones on top of those. It ends up taking the entire day but it’s fine. I am knackered by the end though. DH helps by packing up and unloading the car and trying to keep the kids amused. I don’t feel annoyed with him because he doesn’t drive and we discuss our plans together to make things the best for the family. YABU in my opinion.

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 22:52

OP, not suggesting there's anything sinister. When he goes into a sulk does he give you the silent treatment? How long does it go on for?

It's great that you're having counselling, I would definitely raise these issues.

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 22:54

FreddieClaryHorshie great points.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 23:07

I can just tell he's pissed if with me. That's all.

OP posts:
PaellaPam · 01/01/2018 23:08

That’s a fantastic way to just shit you up and for him to do whatever he wants

He's driving his dw on a 7 hour journey to see her family. And back.
I don't see how that's either shitting her up, or doing whatever he wants.
I don't really understand some of these posts. My dh drives me the 600 mile round trip to see my family a couple of times a year.
I'm really very grateful to him for doing that. He doesn't have to do it but he does it. If he wants to stop overnight on the way, fine, and if he needs to get back sooner than I'd like because he has something 'he' wants to do - that's fine as well. I can drive but I just find that distance too tiring and intense. If I go alone (which I often do) I get a train with the dcs. It's pretty obvious that the dh in this case is keen to get back for the break with his mates - and why not?
I really can't see why he should have to explain himself. There has to be a bit of give and take, and if one person's doing all the driving it's up to that person how they want to do it.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 23:14

Can all the folk talking about how DH is driving me to see my family and that I should be grateful actually rephrase it as he's driving his children to celebrate with, spend time with and be loved by their aunts and uncles and cousins.

OP posts:
NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 01/01/2018 23:19

Oh just learn to drive - Dyspraxia may make it slightly more difficult but it it sounds like a bit of a cop out to me.
7 hours is way too long to drive in the winter without a proper break.

BertrandRussell · 01/01/2018 23:30

I con’t Think anyone is suggesting driving 7 hours non stop. He is behaving like an arsehole.

Andrewofgg · 01/01/2018 23:34

Freddie Only a driver can be the judge of how long it is safe or wise for that driver to be at the wheel on a particular day for a particular journey and nobody else’s opinion on that point matters.

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