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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
HermioneAndMsJones · 01/01/2018 21:51

He's done a week with your family. He wants to get back asap so he can party with his friends. That's all

Well in that add, you just say so. You dint invent reasons that just dint hold water and have a gonat your partner when they point out how ridiculous said excuse is.....

BusterGonad · 01/01/2018 21:52

I always find the drive home always seems so much quicker than the drive there!

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 21:53

OP, a row is not ideal, but has he acknowledged the hypocrisy of below?

The 7 hour drive to my family needed to be broken up with an overnight stay

But the 7.5 hour drive back didn't.

HermioneAndMsJones · 01/01/2018 21:54

OP May I point out that a lot of posters who agreed with your DH actually haven’t read your OP properly? They mainly agreed with the fact that because you dint drive then you aren’t allowed to have an opinion.
Which is crazy because we all have opinions on things that we are not experts on. Nutrition and diet being a very good example.

I’m sure that if you had omitted the fact you cant drive, the answers would have been very different....

HermioneAndMsJones · 01/01/2018 21:56

Yep, very few posters have even realised the hypocrisy and the lack of logic there....

That’s the danger of MN. If even a few posters latch on one part of the opening posts, forgetting the very important rest of the post, the whole thread goes in one direction.

Please do keep your critical hat on.

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 21:58

Amen, Hermione.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 21:59

Cantuccit

No.

I didn't really want to push the issue and him leave on a bad note as he was running out the shower and out the door. I did say it once, and he said something like " I can't believe you are still talking about this" so i left it .

OP posts:
PaellaPam · 01/01/2018 22:05

Paella, Sam, why is the friend's party relevant?

Well for me, it just goes some way to explaining why he's keener to get back than he was to get there. I'd feel the same.

buttfacedmiscreant · 01/01/2018 22:05

Seven hours driving by one driver in a day is doable. It is damn hard work though so it should be up to the driver if they are willing to do it or not. It sounds like he wasn't willing to do it in one go on the way but is willing to do it on the way back. So long as he is willing to stop when someone in the car needs it MO is that he should get to choose because he is doing the slog.

Think of it this way. Imagine you have to take A level exams and concentrate for three hours at a time. You can either take two x 3 1/2hr exams back to back in one day or you can split them over two days. Some people would choose to get them over with, others would choose to split them into two days. Either way it is a slog and hard work.

LizzieSiddal · 01/01/2018 22:07

When he’s back from this trip, tell him you need to talk about what’s happened.

You need to tell him how his behaviour and hypocrisy made you feel. He needs to explain why he can’t do a 7 hour journey in one go, on Boxing Day, but he can manage a 7 and a half hour journey on NYD.

PaellaPam · 01/01/2018 22:07

And I really like my in-laws. I just don't enjoy being closeted up with them for a week.

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 22:08

Well, I would raise it when he gets back, hooochy, or text him. He is trying to make you out to be unreasonable for not brushing his double standards under the carpet. But he in the wrong. And if you don't make it clear that you're not fooled, then he'll just do this again.

NoqontroI · 01/01/2018 22:09

His choice. I've driven that distance before. Sometimes I can tolerate it, other times, especially if I am a little bit tired, then I would break the journey up. You don't get to choose how many hours someone else should drive in one go.

Trinity66 · 01/01/2018 22:10

I think yabu, he's driving so he gets to decide really, not sure why you're so annoyed about it tbh

buttfacedmiscreant · 01/01/2018 22:11

He needs to explain why he can’t do a 7 hour journey in one go, on Boxing Day, but he can manage a 7 and a half hour journey on NYD.

Some days I would feel like a 4 hour journey is too much, but on other days I have driven as much as 12 hours (with plenty of breaks). Depends on how much stamina you have that day.

buttfacedmiscreant · 01/01/2018 22:12

oh and if you could learn to drive even taking an hour of the driving in a 7 hour drive would make a big difference (if driving a half share is too much for you). Often when DH and I do long road trips he does most of the driving but I will drive an hour or two so he can have a nap and it refreshes him.

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/01/2018 22:14

7 hours is not too long to drive at all. Weird British thinking.

LizzieSiddal · 01/01/2018 22:15

“Some days I would feel like a 4 hour journey is too much, but on other days I have driven as much as 12 hours (with plenty of breaks). Depends on how much stamina you have that day.“

No, he didn’t decide on the day “how he felt”, that would be totally fine.
He planned these trips beforehand.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 22:16

I don't think he'll ever want to discuss it. He's firmly in the mindset of the majority on the thread , that because I don't drive I have no right to an opinion. End of. Any attempt to discuss it makes him more aggrieved at me.

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 01/01/2018 22:17

Why does it bother you so much OP? You got a decent break with your family, now you’re home, and got to relax while he did all the driving.

I’m really not seeing why you are het up about all this?

HermioneAndMsJones · 01/01/2018 22:17

You don't get to choose how many hours someone else should drive in one go.
Nope you don’t. But then that’s also something you decide ON THE DAY, not one month in advance (as clearly you can’t tell how well you will fell on that day).

buttfacedmiscreant · 01/01/2018 22:18

...I would do the same as the DH in this case most likely.

"DH, I don't want to drive seven hours in one go and then spend a week socialising with family."

I'd want to do that in two days if practical. We've done a lot of roadtrips. We did seven states in eight days with 3000 miles and two kids one time

HermioneAndMsJones · 01/01/2018 22:19

Of course he doesn’t Op. That’s a fantastic way to just shit you up and for him to do whatever he wants.
Add to that the fact he is making harder for you to have an automatic car.....

You still need a talk on that. NOT about that journey as such about about his whole attitude towards you.

LizzieSiddal · 01/01/2018 22:19

I don't think he'll ever want to discuss it. He's firmly in the mindset of the majority on the thread , that because I don't drive I have no right to an opinion. End of. Any attempt to discuss it makes him more aggrieved at me.

That’s just awful of him. You have questions about something and he won’t talk about it? Does he shut you down like this often or is it just with driving?

buttfacedmiscreant · 01/01/2018 22:21

OP, it isn't that I don't think that you should not have an opinion, just that as the person who has to do the work his opinion should have more weight.

Another example is if DH is considering changing job, I certainly have an opinion about his salary, holiday time etc because it affects me, but in the end he is the one doing the job so the final decision comes down to him.

I feel the same way about this. I'd want my feelings heard and considered, but if at the end of the day DH said "I want to do it this way" then I'd have to respect that.

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