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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 16:08

Lizzie, from what I understand, DH will have to drive 7.5 hours before he gets to his friend. It's then a second journey of 4 hours that he will share with his friend.

user1492877024 · 01/01/2018 16:09

Cheesey

Thats interesting, re, driving through the outback. Which route were you doing? I have driven from Perth to Cairns via the outback way and Plenty Highway, across the middle. I am just curious.

Lizzie48 · 01/01/2018 16:17

Yes, 6 hours plus 1.5 hours is 7.5 hours obviously. That's why I suspect he won't do much of the 4 hour drive after that.

I think he really had to break up the journey the way he did, there wouldn't even have been time to do the whole journey back from her family in one day, and then get to his friends. Should he have gone to party with his friends, that's why they had to stay overnight at the hotel? That's really the AIBU, I think.

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2018 16:36

You don't appear to have bothered to read the thread.

Like so many others...

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 16:52

7 hour journey there, broken by overnight stay.

7.5 hour journey home, broken by half hour in service station and half hour shower and unpack of car.

OP posts:
Iwantamarshmallow · 01/01/2018 17:20

At first I though yabu for expecting him to drive 7 hrs. I don't drive but would never expect dh to do this in one go. But to get u up and out at 6 am with 2 kids to go on a 2 day bender is very unreasonable.. sounds like he needs to grow up . I also think he is unreasonable to say you can't have am oppionion because u don't drive.my dh has driven me around for 17 years and he was never say this to me. I also don't drive I'm dyslexic and have never been able to crack it so i do know how you feel. have you thought about taking automatic lessions?

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 17:20

I'm not upset that he's gone to the party. It was me that suggested he go alone when we couldn't get babysitters. And I don't mind the yabu responses, even the rude ones. I intentionally posted here to vent and get some diverse opinions in order to avert a row. AIBU is useful for that.

OP posts:
catx1606 · 01/01/2018 17:29

What day did you go? Had he been at work that week? If my DH has been at work all week and he isn't able to get to bed early so that he's well rested then he won't get up early to drive. He's reasonable in wanted a lie in and something to eat. Driving is tiring and it's not just himself and the occupants in your car he needs to consider, it's all the other road users.

Lloyd45 · 01/01/2018 18:19

Why don't you learn to drive then you can share the driving, you will then only do 3.5 hours each

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 18:23

We were at his family on Christmas Day. Left for my family on Boxing Day.

OP posts:
Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 18:23

He finished work on 22nd

OP posts:
rookiemere · 01/01/2018 18:38

Lloyd45 - if you read the thread you'll discover that the OP has answered quite a number of questions already about why she doesn't currently drive.

nousername123 · 01/01/2018 18:45

I'm a very confident driver and I would dread driving 7 hours. I think I would do it but I'd want to break for an actual meal and leg stretch then go straight to bed for a lie down when I got to destination. Driving is mentally draining. If I had young children with me I would stop overnight somewhere though I think. I understand your frustration at him conveniently finding 6 hours acceptable when it means he can go out with his mates though. £200 seems like a lot of money on one overnight stay?? That would actually put me off and I would probably just grin and bear the rest of the drive.

Toombumber · 01/01/2018 19:02

YABU to spend £200 on a hotel as has probably already been said ten times. Travelodge?

Toombumber · 01/01/2018 19:03

Is your DH thinking of ways to spend less time at your folks'?

SilverdaleGlen · 01/01/2018 19:07

Well according to the safe driving rules in our company (who are government so sticklers!) you must not drive over 6 hours a day.

So according to the (employment?) law, your DH is correct there is a difference between 6 and 7 hours.

BarbaraofSevillle · 01/01/2018 19:22

Well I also work for the government and our safe driving rules say we should not drive over 9 hours a day or work for more than 13 when driving to meetings etc.

However, that would mean that we would be unable to do our jobs without staying in hotels half the week, which most people would rather avoid or simply cannot do for childcare reasons, so the rules are not enforced anyway.

If not lorry drivers I don't think there are specific time limits on driving at work.

SilverdaleGlen · 01/01/2018 20:05

Barbara interesting, seems a little arbitrary then. We would also be screwed if we stuck to them but then I do love the jaunty little posters. Grin

Mxyzptlk · 01/01/2018 20:12

I had a similar massive argument with my DH many years ago. I am a driver, he is not.
My point, tho, was not about me driving but about the kids being expected to sit and behave for a journey of many hours.

PaellaPam · 01/01/2018 21:25

He's done a week with your family. He wants to get back asap so he can party with his friends. That's all

And who can blame him?

PaellaPam · 01/01/2018 21:46

I get on well with most of my in laws but they’re still his family, not mine

That's the problem with having long distances to travel to see in-laws. You have to stay a few days to make it worth while. Whilst I like all my in-laws and get on well with them, they are not my family and I don't choose to spend long periods closeted up with them. And a whole undiluted week with them can quickly become a strain.

I'd be champing at the bit to get home and spend time with friends that I'd chosen for myself. I doubt I'd be able to hide it either.

skippy67 · 01/01/2018 21:46

Exactly.

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 21:49

Paella, Sam, why is the friend's party relevant? OP has repeatedly she doesn't mind DH going to the party.

HermioneAndMsJones · 01/01/2018 21:50

Well according to the safe driving rules in our company (who are government so sticklers!) you must not drive over 6 hours a day.

So according to the (employment?) law, your DH is correct there is a difference between 6 and 7 hours.

In this case, he is right to want a break/sleep on the way down.

But why is it that in the way back up, suddenly driving 6 hours and then another 1.5 hours and then another 4 hours is ok?? Confused

The DH argument only holds if he is also applying the same principle both ways. Which he isn’t.

Also very different than what some posters have mentioning which is when you drive AND then realise you are too tired to carry on. As the DH actually booked the fancy hotel a month before hand.

I suspect he wanted to shorten the stay with relatives and enjoy a nice break.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 21:50

Jeez, there's far too many in law hating folk assuming I'm not happy about him partying.

Can I categorically state that DH gets on with my family really well, as I do his. And I'm happy for him to go party. In fact was my suggestion.

I'm also happy with him taking breaks in a long drive

I also know that this whole thing would be solved if I could drive.

I cannot drive though as I'm dyspraxic and it is extremely difficult for me to learn.

The issue is that

The 7 hour drive to my family needed to be broken up with an overnight stay .

But the 7.5 hour drive back didn't.

I find the inconsistency of this very annoying, especially since I'm just supposed to put up with it because I don't drive.

I realise that most people think AIBU though.

Which has been useful to know in averting a row. Thank you!

OP posts: