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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable or is DH? Driving

502 replies

hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 08:06

Think I already know the answer to this but curious as to response.

This Christmas we've been visiting my family that live the other end of the country. We've two kids ( 6 and 9 ) who are average travellers. I don't drive.

The drive down was seven hours.

The drive back is six hours ( because we changed locations over Christmas and new year to relatives an hour closer to home)

While planning the way down DH and I had a massive argument because he said that 7 hours was too far to drive in one day. ( despite the fact he has regularly driven five or six) . We had to break the journey with a night in a hotel at £200 expense and lose a day of holiday with my family. While I acquiesced to this plan as he's doing the driving and therefore I had to, I disagreed. Apparently I was being unreasonable to voice this opinion though because since I don't drive I'm not allowed an opinion.

We're on our way back today now and we all had to be up at 6 am on New Year's Day , pack the car and say goodbye to relatives in the dark because DH wants to drive the 6 hours in one go to be back home for 1pm. This is because he's then meeting a friend at 2 pm to drive a further 4 hours to a two day party with his friends.

Apparently though this is completely different as it's a six hour drive not a seven. And his friend will do the majority of the four hour drive.

AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable and selfish? He's thinks I'm out of order and selfish for thinking this. Apparently I'm not allowed an opinion because I don't drive.

( btw- i think the answer is probably learn to drive. I haven't so far as I'm dyspraxic and it's very difficult for me, but I think I have to to prevent this kind of thing happening)

OP posts:
SandyDenny · 01/01/2018 12:56

I knew the cant you get the train people would post, do you have journeys that stop and start at train stations?

The drive to my home town takes around 2,5/3 hours depending on traffic and costs less than £30 in petrol each way. I've looked it up by train, it involves 7 different stages of walking/bus/walking/train/walking/bus/walking and would take 4.5 hours and much more than £30 for me never mind the dc's tickets. It would be nonsense to even contemplate it.

I can drive both ways in a day easily (single parent so no one to share the driving) but I have friends who wouldn't think about it - horses for courses.

Good to see you've sorted it out now OP

Lucyccfc · 01/01/2018 12:58

I drive, I make the decisions not the non-driver.

If YDWTBU than have driving lessons and share the journey in the future.

BarbaraofSevillle · 01/01/2018 12:58

Of course some people find 6 or 7 hours driving in one day too much, but the point is that if you're OK with 6 hours in one day, especially with a very early start and another 4 hour journey on the same day, even as a passenger, then that same person shouldn't have a problem with driving 7 hours in a single day, providing that they have proper rest stops.

There is hardly any difference at all, which is why I find all the '6 hours is fine but 7 hours is far too much' posts to be ludicrous.

mumof06darlings · 01/01/2018 12:58

In my opinion yanbu. I have neighbours who do this distance trip and they drive 3.5 hrs to a shopping centre, stop for a few hours and off again then.

BakedBeans47 · 01/01/2018 13:00

YABU

I wouldn’t say you had no right to an opinion, but the driver’s opinion takes precedence over yours.

I’d hate to be the one who did all the driving, even more so if someone who had no idea how tiring it is esp in winter due to weather/darkness then moaned about it. It’s entirely different where someone shares the driving and you can keep on with your journey while the other driver has a rest. So him and his friend sharing 6 hours of driving is very different to doing 7 hours alone.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 13:00

Thumbwitch, yes that's why it's upset me. It does feel like he didn't want to see my family, or was less enthusiastic. But that's not true, he's had a great time having long lies and cheese and whisky, going down the pub with my brother who he gets on with brilliantly while the kids have been entertained by their treasured cousins and their cousins dogs.

OP posts:
EastMidsMummy · 01/01/2018 13:01

Of course seven hours isn't too far to drive in a day. It's not even a full working day!

taybert · 01/01/2018 13:03

Greenshoots I haven’t looked up those statistics and I may do though I think my post wasn’t clear- we get the ferry over night so we have a 12 hour break in between but it’s still about 7 hours of driving on each day.

A lot of it depends on the circumstances- 7 hour drive down south in summer when there’s plenty of daylight and good weather is different to a bank holiday in winter. I’m just surprised at the number of people saying they would never drive 7 hours in a day- we live in rural North Yorkshire, if we limited ourselves to 4 hours driving a day we’d struggle to get anywhere. But yeah, you should only do what you feel you are safely capable of and have contingency plans for long journeys.

BakedBeans47 · 01/01/2018 13:07

Jeez OP give the guy a break! He’s bloody lifted and laid you at the other end of the country and back to see YOUR family and you’ve got the hump because he wants a couple of days with HIS mates?

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 13:17

I'm well surprised at the amount of people who seem to think that driving his family, his children to spend time with their family, who are his family too is some kind of favour to me. You must all have very strained relationships with your extended families. I consider his family my own because they are my children's grandparents and cousins. I'm never doing him a favour to spend time with them. They are part of my life too.

OP posts:
Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 13:19

Anyway, we're home now. Better unpack and do washing , thanks for all the input. Been really useful in examining my feelings and averting a row.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 01/01/2018 13:19

I agree hooochycoo
In my case OH doesn't like my sister and her family so I never get to see them at Christmas Sad

BakedBeans47 · 01/01/2018 13:20

I get on well with most of my in laws but they’re still his family, not mine, and while I enjoy spending time with them I’d rather spend time and put more effort into spending time with my own friends. Especially if I was the one who had to do all the driving while you sit in the back like the queen mother. Hmm

But fine, having been told YABU, retire back with the PA replies Grin

BakedBeans47 · 01/01/2018 13:20

*retort

purplecorkheart · 01/01/2018 13:21

To be fair a lot of it depends on how well he slept the night before etc. I slept for over eight hours last night and could do that journey with breaks. The night before I kept waking during the night and there is no way I could safely do that journey after that night. Remember he had to take into account the safety of other road users not just you and your family.

starzig · 01/01/2018 13:41

When you are driving can also make a huge difference. You didn't say when you travelled out but 6am today will be fairly quiet. 7hr on a quiet road is hugely different yo 7hr in heavy traffic.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/01/2018 13:48

If the OP had travelled on 23rd December then half the country would have been clogging up the roads, so I can understand why the driver needed a break.

NewYearNewUsername · 01/01/2018 14:01

Everyone has their own personal limits. The longest I've driven solo in a day is 6 hours. I was absolutely on my limit of being safe despite having stopped twice. I could not have done 7 hours safely.

Driving 6 hours then having someone else drive is much more doable. If after 6 hours someone else had done the next two or three to give me a decent break I could probably have done another hour or two later that day.

I have also done a 10 hour driving day with DH. Being able to take complete breaks as well as have a snooze as a passenger meant it was far more easily doable than 6 hours solo. Over the day I only did 5 hours driving and it was absolutely fine.

£200 for a hotel is insane. Next time look for an in advance cheap travelodge deal.

BakedBeans47 · 01/01/2018 14:09

Is he resentful that you don’t drive OP?

GreyMorning · 01/01/2018 14:10

Why is dyspraxia stopping you from driving? My husband has dyspraxia, as do I and we are both pretty good drivers who passed driving tests first time.

7 hours is a long time to drive, it's not just as simple as sitting down listening to the radio.

GabriellaMontez · 01/01/2018 14:20

I understand if he feels 7 hours is too much, although plenty of people do more than that regularly with breaks.

But its ridiculous to suggest that 7 hours is too much but 6 followed by a share of a further 4 is ok. That obviously doesn't make sense and he's being unreasonable.

Perhaps learning to drive would solve all this ? Or would he just find other reasons then ?

gingergenius · 01/01/2018 14:27

YABVU

My mum used to live a 5.5 hour drive away and if I left at 5am I could avoid traffic and do it in one go. Nowadays I couldn't do more than 3-4 hours in one go.

It's tiring and that makes it dangerous and frankly if you want a day in it, learn to drive and share the load!

Original poster
hooochycoo · 01/01/2018 14:39

Just realised that actually his drive today is 7 1/2 hours plus 4 hours shared, as he's now got to drive 1 1/2 hours to meet his friend.

OP posts:
Teufelsrad · 01/01/2018 14:44

Greymorning. Dyspraxia might not be a barrier for you, but it is for many people with dyspraxia. It isn't at all uncommon for people with dyspraxia to find driving more difficult than most because we do tend to have poor coordination, and often have problems with slower processing. We're all different though, and for some it may be more difficult, for others it feels near impossible.

. I have it and because of my poor coordination and struggles with multi tasking and slow processing, the prospect of driving is a very daunting one. I've tried lessons before, and I will try again later this year, but I know that it may not be possible for me. Every day tasks are enough of a struggle.

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 14:44

Well, he's a twat then.

I would think about why he wants you to lose a day with your family.