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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why would anyone do this?

450 replies

Puppyduppydoo · 31/12/2017 22:41

Name changed for this thread.

I’ve just had FB message from a complete stranger who maintains she has been having an affair with my husband. She hasn’t, the message was full of totally incorrect details including dates and times when I know he was with me.

They had connected on linked-in but have never met. Why would somebody do this, particularly on NYE?

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 02/01/2018 20:13

Hate to say it but I'm with frog

I'd hate to say it too. She sounds a bit forceful

Skowvegas · 02/01/2018 20:14

This thread is like a race to the bottom, even by MN standards.

TheOtherGirl · 02/01/2018 20:17

Sadly, some people aren't 100% mentally well. They're not so ill that they need to be sectioned, but just ill enough that certain boundaries become blurred in their mind.

This might mean they become unhealthily fixated and stalk someone across FB or Instagram. I think it gives them a tiny secret 'fizz' of pleasure/power in a life that perhaps doesn't have a lot of fizz.

I would guess that somewhere down the line this poor woman and your DH had tenuous contact and she has woven it into something it isn't. In her mind it might feel quite real of course.

I really hope you get to the bottom of this and keep in mind that this woman isn't well.

gillybeanz · 02/01/2018 20:21

Red
What do you mean, I know what OP said, I wasn't imagining what was going on now and OP hasn't said that.
I was right there until Police were involved, asked why they would be involved and was told all sorts of imaginings Confused

Lashalicious · 02/01/2018 20:37

Why do people start these threads then don't explain at the end what is going on. And no, police involvement doesn't slam the door on mn posts. "The police are involved." That could mean op has called the police to see if she can report one message telling her that her husband is having an affair and they told her if she gets another to let them know. It could mean there were ten new messages this morning. It could mean there is a serial killer whose mo is sending messages with deliberately wrong affair dates to draw the messagee into a rl meeting so the police are interviewing op and dh. Obviously I'm kidding. I think if there had been another message from the woman op would have included that in her last post. There is no legal reason she can't tell us what she has received. I think the posters were just advising the op of the possibility of an affair and to look into it to make sure. Very reasonable in light of the message. Several jumped all over frog for daring to post the possibility. I think frog couldn't believe the weird stonewalling from the commenters "There Is No Affair! There Is No Possibility Of An Affair!!!!" and kept trying to explain. There's the feeling with some people that if their dhs were having an affair they'd rather not know and would take offense at anyone who didn't play pretend with them. We don't know if he is or isn't. But the people saying to look into it just in case makes much more sense to me and are truly on op's side than the ones who say don't worry, clearly a nutcase, forget all about it and we are going to beat up anybody who suggests otherwise. If op was proven right about her dh, don't you think she would have said so in her last post? Instead she get a dramatic and cryptic ~police are involved~ to give the impression it is a nutcase but without anything to support it. I gave her the benefit of the doubt in my pp but am beginning to wonder. I tend to think it's somebody who hates op and is trying to hurt her with lies but it could be anything and we're not being honest with op if we tiptoe around one of the possibilities.

Puppyduppydoo · 02/01/2018 20:49

Lash how fucking stupid are you? I have been told by the police not to discuss this further.

OP posts:
Failingat40 · 02/01/2018 20:49

I feel a bit sorry for the OP as she's had a hard time, unnecessarily from a few posters. She gave quite a detailed op.

She knows her husband, we don't. Imagine if he's entirely innocent and his wife's been getting all riled up about him cheating after being convinced by a load of mumsnet maniacs.

As a side note though, an ex-friend of mine was sleeping with a married man in hotel rooms while the wife was in bed at night asleep. It can and does happen. They fall asleep together then he would sneak out. Never got caught in 6 months it went on for.

If I ever got a message like this I wouldn't necessarily believe it but I wouldn't discount it either until I'd checked a few things out.

The lengths some people go to cheat are hard to believe. I'd at least record the mileage on his car before bed. Or leave something on the door handle that would fall if moved.

Puppyduppydoo · 02/01/2018 20:51

And before anyone says anything about me still being here. I’m currently out of the house and waiting until I get to my desktop before I delete my account.

OP posts:
PatriciaBateman · 02/01/2018 20:55

This is the sort of thing I could have done at my most mentally unwell (just out of abusive childhood, obsessive, drug-taking, borderline psychosis at times).

I was functioning very well on the outside, holding down a fulltime job, rising slowly through academic and then professional ranks. But this was peppered with periods of really being very unwell.

One of the things that used to happen was that I would suddenly get really fixated on someone. Usually someone I would see semi-regularly, but not enough to develop anything beyond an acquaintance relationship (actually always more distant colleagues in my case).

They would become idolised in my head as "the answer" to everything. The potential source of the love I craved, the inspiration to turn my life around, become cleaner-living, this would spiral until I was virtually seeing them as some sort of Messiah, destined to save me and love me.

Then would come a sort of stalking hunt as I tried to make fantasy materialise into reality. Internet stalking of them, their email address, and absolutely any names I could find connected to them. Even paid for those more detailed 192 type searches to get details of previous people they lived with.

I'd also watch them, take covert photos, nothing compromising (not proud of this), write down every location and time I ever saw them, etc etc.

All really terrifyingly abnormal now I look back at it. Fortunately, it never progressed beyond the steps laid out above. I either became so unwell it was time for an inpatient stint, or the obsession kind of fizzled out as quickly as it began.

However, I know exactly where my thoughts were leading me in terms of next step... and it would have been something like what this woman has potentially done. Identify barriers to our "destined" relationship and remove them.

I think involving the police is absolutely the right thing to do. I don't know for sure if this (unwell woman) is the case in your scenario, but I can bear firsthand witness to the fact that it's definitely possible.

Lizzylou · 02/01/2018 21:13

OP, hope that you get this sorted, you have had such an unnecessarily hard time from some projecting, hard of thinking posters. You've explained yourself perfectly and some of us understand using Linkedin in order to gain new contacts.
The level of hysteria and paranoia on this thread is horrid. How you have been "spoken" to is horrid. Embarrassing.

Gemini69 · 02/01/2018 21:18

FFS it's just gets weirder...... Hmm

Lash talks the most sense on here.. Grin

RedDogsBeg · 02/01/2018 21:18

Don't even try to explain Puppy you don't owe anyone on here an explanation and some of the minds here are so closed they will disregard it anyway in favour of the preferred option they've convinced themselves of. You might as well talk to a wall.

Take care.

Gemini69 · 02/01/2018 21:19
Grin
RedDogsBeg · 02/01/2018 21:19

You are an absolute peach aren't you Gemini69.

Gemini69 · 02/01/2018 21:22

thank you Flowers

Lizzylou · 02/01/2018 21:27

Lash, I think people slating the utterly delightful frog were doing so because she continuously called the OP a liar/doubted every thing she said. A wonderful imagination, but leaping to wild "certainly true" conclusions was hardly helpful here.
This really is an utter carcrash of a thread. none of us know the OP or her husband in rl, this is just chock full of posters banging their own drum.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 02/01/2018 21:30

Why would you need to delete your ac?!
Op you sound really odd.

limitedperiodonly · 02/01/2018 21:33

Why do people start these threads then don't explain at the end what is going on

I know Lashalicious. It's so selfish. But don't despair. We can still keep discussing it. I'm hoping for the return of the Frog. I like a good rANTY person.

Anyway PuppyMonkey and RedDogsBeg I'm now in contact with the author of the thriller based on North Korea's potato output. He's asked me if I want to read his draft. It's 25,000 words. I'm going to pass but you said you were dying to read it PuppyMonkey. Shall I put you in touch? Grin

Puppyduppydoo · 02/01/2018 21:34

I don’t need to. I want to. This place is full
of opinions I want no part of anymore.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 02/01/2018 21:35

Possibly so that she doesn't have to interact with over imaginative muppets Rainbows?
Who knows? I do, thicko posters, it's why MN is shite nowadays

Puppyduppydoo · 02/01/2018 21:38

Ok. Home now, it’s been a long day. Thanks again to those who tried to be the voice of reason.

OP posts:
FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 02/01/2018 21:45

This thread is fucking bonkers. It's quite worrying how many women are so paranoid and mistrusting of their partners even when it was completely EVIDENT the woman was talking nonsense! Geez!

RedDogsBeg · 02/01/2018 21:59

limited 25,000 words! Wonder if any of them are 'rocket', 'test' and 'fire'Grin

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 02/01/2018 22:17

OP I wish you all the best. You know your DH; you know his movements; trust your gut! I truly believe that the vast majority of men and women are loyal and trustworthy (I know I could get flamed but I have faith). Wishing you and your DH all the best.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 03/01/2018 00:35

But she doesn't know her dh as he has been discussing his dog with random women on the internet...