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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why would anyone do this?

450 replies

Puppyduppydoo · 31/12/2017 22:41

Name changed for this thread.

I’ve just had FB message from a complete stranger who maintains she has been having an affair with my husband. She hasn’t, the message was full of totally incorrect details including dates and times when I know he was with me.

They had connected on linked-in but have never met. Why would somebody do this, particularly on NYE?

OP posts:
purpletotes · 01/01/2018 13:17

I hope it’s innocent. But as someone who’s had an affair I’d say this definitely doesn’t seem innocent. You might think you were with your husband one night but he might have ‘popped out for a bit’ that same night.
Self employed definitely allows for more time while you’re not around as well. I don’t hope that your husband is cheating at all I really hope it’s what you say it is but this is a very strange thing to have happened and like other pp have said linked in is the last place people chat about sweet nothings on. Very strange.

WillowWitch · 01/01/2018 13:17

OP, I think the average person is more likely to think there must be something in it because they can't get their head around the fact there are seriously crazy people out there who do these type of things. Where as most people know of a cheater.

My Sister had malicious lies spread about her by a seriously unhinged person, some people found it easier to believe the lies than to believe that this person could do such a vile thing.

I hope your DH has learned a lesson from this, telling strangers on the Internet any of your personal business comes with a risk. In this case no damage has been done, thankfully.

There is also the possibility that she is actually a lovely person with a wack job, jealous BF who saw the chat between them and found a way to put a stop to it.

WildImaginings · 01/01/2018 13:21

There's a thing going around on Facebook where a 'woman' (who knows if it's a real picture) is messaging women saying she's been having an affair with their partner.

I'm in quite a few beauty groups and I've seen it posted by various women who've been messaged, so this could be something similar.

TooLazyForDrama · 01/01/2018 13:21

This happened to me OP, except my DH was in your position.
I’d certainly not been having an affair and it was very, very distressing for me to be accused of doing so. Luckily my then DP knew it was rubbish straight away, but it was very confusing for me. I had no idea why I was being accused of this and why somebody would try to infere in my relationship.
It was a work colleague who was incredibly immature and thought it would be funny. They were also jealous that I’d been promoted over them.
As for the no smoke without fire posts - there was certainly nothing going on between me and work colleague, I’d never given them any indication to think there was or ever would be, and had never strayed.
Unfortunately there are just people like this out and about in the world.

purpletotes · 01/01/2018 13:23

Oh and as for the dads died thing. Perfectly possible he’s said something to this lady about that. You might actually get more answers talking to her. If you believe your husbands innocent get him on the phone with you to discuss it with her or message her back and cc in your husband. That would easily shut her down without accidentally letting your husband off because you rightly trust him. I don’t mean to be cynical but I know the lies I told definitely made sure no one knew what I was up to.

KurriKurri · 01/01/2018 13:24

I've had experience of a cheating husband (your husband does not sound like one at all)

The woman my husband cheated with was a person who's entire life was devoted to trying to break up marriages - that's what she did - she had a whole string of sad middle aged men online trying to get them to leave thier wives for her, then she'd drain them of all their money then ditch them and go on to the new one. (Unfortunately for me my XH was one of the stupid ones who fell for it - I guess if she got a couple of hits out of hundreds of tries she was doing well)

So yes - there are deranged women out there who spend their life doing mad shit - they have serious personality disorders. This woman sound like one of these crazies.
Don't let her upset you and your husband OP - you have done the right thing - block and ignore.

RedDogsBeg · 01/01/2018 13:27

Give me strength - You might think you were with your husband one night but he might have ‘popped out for a bit’ that same night. Just because some people lie and cheat purpletotes it doesn't mean that everyone else has such appallingly low standards.

Some of the replies on this thread are as bonkers as the woman who contacted you, OP.

Sallystyle · 01/01/2018 13:27

Personally I feel sorry for the women who would automatically believe these sorts of accusations (AND their husbands).

Well, no. No one said they would automatically believe it, just that they would wonder if something had gone on and if there was more to it.

I wouldn't automatically believe it but I would be keeping my eyes open for a bit. That's just sensible. I don't trust anyone 100% after all, not even myself. The divorce courts are full of people who 100% trusted their partners. You just need to read MN to know how many women have been shocked to their core by an affair because they had 100% trust.

You don't need to feel sorry for any of us who would wonder if there was more to this.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/01/2018 13:29

I don’t like the saying “no smoke with out fire” as I can think of several instances that you get smoke with out fire. Maybe it should be no smoke with out heat?

GoingCrazy222 · 01/01/2018 13:31

Just came on to say that I have billions of LinkedIn connections that I've never met, i thought everyone did? How can it be used for recruiting if you know everyone on it already?

OP just ignore the idiot posters.

RedDogsBeg · 01/01/2018 13:58

U2 the OP has checked her story, it was full of lies and inaccuracies. The OP has seen the LinkedIn conversations her husband has had with this woman and has come to the conclusion, quite rightly imo, that there is nothing more to this than someone deliberately shit stirring for reasons known only to themselves.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 01/01/2018 14:20

I work in sales/marketing and I use my LinkedIn by adding potential leads. It wouldn't really benefit me to just add people I already work with to drum up business?

The op would be well aware if her husband wasn't sleeping in her bed and is well within her rights to believe her husband, who she knows.

However, if it was me, I wouldn't be able to help myself from enquring more in case something had happened and she'd exaggerated for dramatic affect.

But everything that goes in the world it's entirely possible that she's a very unwell/unhappy person whose out to cause trouble

Gemini69 · 01/01/2018 14:27

OP... you've been able to discredit the inaccuracies.. was there anything accurate ? Flowers

EdySedgwick · 01/01/2018 15:03

You asked why she would be messaging you this

You say hes 100% not a cheater.

But one of the reasons people on here are giving you is that she may be telling the truth. Or not. But a possibility is there is some truth in it.

why's that so hard to accept ? You asked for opinions not validation of your own opinion

Lunde · 01/01/2018 15:28

I don't really know why some people are having such a hard time understanding OP?

A woman has messaged claiming that OP's dh has spent specified nights at her house. OP knows this to be untrue. How hard is this to understand?

OP I knew a woman who used to do this type of thing. She did it because she had a personality disorder and wanted to go after particular men so she used these tactics to break up their relationships. She broke up 2 marriages that I know of and tried it with several work colleagues

Gemini69 · 01/01/2018 18:04

A woman has messaged claiming that OP's dh has spent specified nights at her house. OP knows this to be untrue. How hard is this to understand?

was this the only inaccuracy though ? I'm trying to understand why someone would do this too... Confused

RedDogsBeg · 01/01/2018 18:18

Gemini69 no it wasn't but what does that matter? The main thrust of the woman's evidence for an affair was proven to be a pack of lies.

Why would someone do it? Why do people post totally untrue threads on MN claiming their children have died or have an incurable illness? There have been some hideous and cruel troll threads over the years on MN and no-one can understand why anyone would do that either, people are odd and do some horrible things for reasons known only to themselves.

Timefortea99 · 01/01/2018 18:53

I have lots of connections on LinkedIn whom I have never met.

The OP has explained that the random post was full of inaccuracies like he had stayed the night in the last 6 months, and the fact his dad had died. If I was OW and wanted to convince a wife that her husband had been doing the dirty, I would make sure it was accurate otherwise it would be dismissed.

This is a funny time of year, people think they should be in established relationships, everybody has had a Xmas like a John Lewis ad...so if you are a bit unstable, the sheer accessibility of being able to contact strangers online, perhaps loneliness, can create a perfect storm. In this case, I believe that the OP is correct to believe her DH over a random who could not give correct facts.

If she contacts again, by some other means perhaps, it needs following up. But for the moment, forget about it. There are some nasty jealous people out there.

Gemini69 · 01/01/2018 19:08

The main thrust of the woman's evidence for an affair was proven to be a pack of lies

oh dear... Hmm

DivisionBelle · 01/01/2018 20:03

“this is AIBU don't forget. “

This, this, this and this.

(All the Miss Marples out there who have established that affairs take place during the day: can you establish why a sane and reasonable woman telling a wife about a daytime affair would claim it had happened overnight? Knowing that he had quite likely been in bed with his wife overnight? Because presumably daytime affairs are precisely because one or both parties are under the marital duvet at night? So why would An OW claim details that could not be true? Instead of saying “in the conservatory, with the candlestick, at 2pm”.

RedDogsBeg · 01/01/2018 20:16

Division I hate that this is AIBU don't forget mantra that gets trotted out to excuse a veritable kick-fest on an OP. The topic is AIBU not 'Gladiatorial Arena'.

Timefortea99 · 01/01/2018 20:16

if I was the random woman having an affair who wanted to convince the spouse of an affair in what I suppose was an attempt to break up a marriage, I would provide accurate details. So, if it was a daytime affair I would say on X day, at X time I was with your husband, or he wears xx, or he has a mole on his xx. Not get something wrong that could easily be disproved like an overnight stay. I have not the most staunchest defender of men but I think I would give my DH the benefit of doubt over the inaccuracies of a woman who just appears out of the woodwork.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 01/01/2018 20:22

Just message her back then and say ‘are you sure you’ve got the right person as my oh has been with me in bed for the last 6 months. Also his father is still alive?!!’ Just see what she says....

limitedperiodonly · 01/01/2018 22:03

I've just added someone on Linked In I've never met. He said he's writing a thriller and noticed a piece of work I did on the subject and would like to chat about it to make his story more accurate.

I'm intrigued because my work was on potato farming in North Korea which doesn't seem promising thriller material. I don't care whether it's an elaborate ruse to set me up and tell my husband we've been having an affair - I'm just hooked about the novel.

I think I can probably give my husband plausible deniability if it all goes wrong because the fledgling novelist is 6,000 miles away which is bit out of dog walking range, even though I have a lot of time to myself during the day.

Just adding this because of all those sleuths who can't believe that you would ever add anyone on Linked In you didn't know and chat to them about random things not connected with work. I don't think I'm going to get any work out of this but my price will be that he names a character after me

limitedperiodonly · 01/01/2018 22:06

Of course he might not be in California. He might be round the corner