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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why would anyone do this?

450 replies

Puppyduppydoo · 31/12/2017 22:41

Name changed for this thread.

I’ve just had FB message from a complete stranger who maintains she has been having an affair with my husband. She hasn’t, the message was full of totally incorrect details including dates and times when I know he was with me.

They had connected on linked-in but have never met. Why would somebody do this, particularly on NYE?

OP posts:
Redtartanshoes · 01/01/2018 22:30

She’s having an affair with your husband.

She’s threatened to tell you for whatever reason... and she’s carrying out that threat, again for whatever reason partially. She’s deliberately got some of the details wrong so that you’ll laugh it off, and say “can’t poosubky be true his dad isn’t dead whatever whatever” but this is a shot across the bow from her to him... and his reaction, IMO confirms that.

If I were you I’d drop it. Laugh it off. Then sit back and watch. Check some things.

Just my opinion. And sorry Flowers

PuppyMonkey · 01/01/2018 22:35

Limited - come on, admit it, you've been sleeping with the guy for months haven't you?Wink

(Can't wait to read the novel BTW).

BubbaLips · 01/01/2018 22:45

.

CaledonianQueen · 01/01/2018 23:10

My DH's Uncle would get into bed every night with dh's Aunt, then once she was asleep, he would sneak out to go meet his mistress. Then climb back into bed with his wife like nothing had happened. Dh's Aunt was totally shocked when she found out!

Unfortunately, there are complete scumbags who have no qualms about treating their wives/ husbands/ partners so badly. I don't get that feeling here though, I am sure that OP wouldn't be anywhere near as sure that this woman is lying if there was any truth in it. I think that op should trust her gut, I think she will know inside if she needs to worry.

RedDogsBeg · 01/01/2018 23:44

The mental gymnastics some posters are prepared to perform to cast the OP's husband in the role of guilty are astonishing.

Be afraid limited be very afraid - your LinkedIn person could be Kim Jong Un in disguise as a Californian novelistGrin.

user7680 · 02/01/2018 01:10

They obviously had an affair. He lied that he would leave his wife then ended it. She got mad

limitedperiodonly · 02/01/2018 02:30

No one knows whether OP's husband is having an affair. She thinks not She may be right. Who knows?

She has decided not to pursue it I don't think she's the one letting herself down on this thread..

Though I'm grateful to this thread for bringing frog's views my attention.

Lashalicious · 02/01/2018 04:34

Just out of curiosity I would have taken a further look into things. I think frog was only saying that this woman may know your husband more than he says he does. It's a possibilty that is worth considering. Also, is she using her real name? I would venture to guess you could do a google/facebook/linkedin search and find this out. If it is her real name, the odds are there is something going on with your husband. If it's not her real name (could still be an affair and she doesn't want to use her real name), then I would consider the possibilty that someone who knows you or your dh wants to hurt you op and is making this up to cause problems for you or is a NYE's prank by a couple of teens who have some sort of connection and want to irk you. Is there anyone you know who might fit either scenario? I think it is more likely to be one of the 3 possibilities 1) affair that your dh ended and she is getting even by telling you and throwing in the spending the night parts so that the affair seems more serious than it was 2) someone you know wants to hurt you out of a grudge 3) prank by immature someone(s) who wants to stick it to you for laughs, again someone who doesn't like you.

Even with a crazy person there is usually some sort of reasoning, however weird, that is used to pick a victim.

How long has he been linkedin with her? You should know this if dh showed you the conversation thread. Also he will have an email with the connect request.

It is possible that it is a nutcase who randomly picked your dh out of the blue and for no reason whatsoever to mess with you. Remember that last bit. If the affair isn't true, then this thing is not about him at all. It is about you, hurting you.

I think there are people who tend to want to investigate something to find out the truth out of curiosity/inner detective/just in case and there are people who are ok with putting it out of their minds. I guess both sides have trouble understanding the mindset of the other and I think that is happening on this thread.

Simply because it involves your marriage, your most important relationship, I would not just totally ignore, that doesn't make sense to me. Of course you trust your dh, that's great. But because this has happened, there's nothing wrong with you looking at his phone, asking him a few questions, he won't mind that at all as he will be happy to be open with you in light of this very strange message you've been sent.

ChickenMom · 02/01/2018 05:29

OP call her bluff. Say “ok if you’ve been seeing him then you’ll have proof. Send me copies of messages between you” if she can’t then she’s just messing with you because she’s getting off on causing havoc. She could be doing it to 50 other people at the same time!

MrsDilber · 02/01/2018 05:48

Been with DH 32 years, no infidelity, but I'd have asked for his phone before he could delete anything, simply so I could get it right in my head.

Then, when I was sure, I'd be thinking she's pissed, looking at his Facebook page, jealous (psycho) of lovely happy photos with you and hit you where it hurts, to wipe the Facebook, happy, smile off your face. She clearly has issues, if all is what it seems to you.

Has DH took her off his social media accounts now? Set his FB to private would be a good thing.

ohtheholidays · 02/01/2018 06:08

OP very similar happened to my BF just when she was planning her wedding,the woman that contacted her wouldn't stop for months on end until I told my friend to threaten her with the Police,funnily enough she stopped straight away then.

She'd told my friend that she'd been having an affair with BF partner,all of the times and dates she'd given he was at work my BF pointed that out and the nasty bitch made out that she'd been meeting him at work in his lunch break but he worked with my BF and they always took they're lunch breaks together,she was obsessed she came out with all sorts of sick and twisted shit that she said she'd done with him/that he liked to do.

It went on for months and I did some snooping for my friend it turned out she was friends with his ex wife and had a thing for him,but the creepiest bit of all she'd never met him not even once she'd became friends with his ex wife a couple of years after they'd split up,all she knew about him was what his ex mentioned in passing and she didn't even know what he looked like till she looked for him on facebook and they lived hours away from one another so she hadn't even ever seen him in the person.

There was no other reason for it than she wasn't stable and not a very nice person to boot.

I've been on the receiving end of unwanted attention myself as well so it does happen.

I once kissed a guy on a night out(I was single)and that was that thought no more of it,untill a few weeks later when I go out again and find out from some members of his family that he's said were in a serious relationship,we are getting engaged,they were all so pleased to see me and I felt sick having to tell them the truth.

It took a few months for it all to come out but it turned out he'd been stalking me for months before I'd even noticed him around so the kiss was all it took for him to run of into some fantasy life and make up a false relationship with me,it got quite scary and it was only having friends that were in the club and pub buisness that kept me safe from him and warned him off.

It could be as simple as she's spoken to your DH online and he's been polite and nice and replied and she's gone of on a tangent of her own,for some people it can take next to nothing for them to convince themselves that they're in a relationship.

If it was me I think I'd play her at her own game and feed her some false set ups,things like "so he wasn't away with work on such and such date he was with you that night"?if she turns around and says yes then you know she's just a shit stirer.

If not that ask her for proof,she must have a text,email,message somewhere that she can show you and when she can't that same as above you'll know she's just a sad individual.

Either way whatever you chose to do I'd be making sure you both cut any contact with her and make sure you block her name so she can't find either of you on facebook as well.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 02/01/2018 06:35

God people are bonkers

I have many people on my LinkedIn that I haven't met IRL - it's a networking site! Conversations on the newsfeed often become more personal - there's one on mine right now about work-life balance, for example.

My particular favourite on this thread though, is that OP's DH should't be talking to strange women online. Posted by people who are talking to complete strangers on a website when you don't have to put your real name or any identifying information...

Nomorechickens · 02/01/2018 07:49

It seems OP that you are both sharing too much on Facebook. I suggest you set your privacy settings to friends only.
DH does assessments on people and as part of that he looks at their social media and is often shocked by the level of personal details they share publicly. As others have said, that information can be used by fraudsters as well as stalkers or malicious people.

OrinocoDugong · 02/01/2018 07:57

Maybe the mistaken identity is a step further away - is she having an affair with someone who has the same name as your DH and has connected on linked-in to the wrong person? She could then have had a linked-in convo thinking that she was talking to her lover.

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/01/2018 08:12

I didn’t ask for opinions on whether he is cheating. I know he isn’t. I asked why someone would contact me with a story which is a blatant lie.

And the answers you're getting from some people is that perhaps it's not a blatant lie.

It might well be. But some people are firmly of the opinion that it might not be - 'no smoke', etc.

And I don't think people are rushing to think the worst of men. Just tending to think the worst of an individual who's been accused of having an affair (small, but crucial difference).

This thread shows that there are enough people who've been in a similar situation, and it turned out the accusee was actually having an affair. So, you know...

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/01/2018 08:18

For the record, I wish I wasn't so cynical.

It'd be lovely to innately give people the benefit of the doubt, no matter that the circumstantial evidence very clearly points in the opposite direction.

I don't even have any real life experience to make me so. But when a stranger posts something like this on Mumsnet, I'm just like, 'would you ever cop onto yourself'.

Assuming it's not all a load of cobblers, of course...

ShiftyMcGifty · 02/01/2018 08:28

For the first time, I haven’t read the full thread before posting. Because most posters are batshit crazy.

OP, I think you got your answer as to why someone would randomly make up a lie and try to hurt you.

It’s exactly what a lot of posters here did. Sad, given this place should offer advice.

Sallystyle · 02/01/2018 10:42

t’s exactly what a lot of posters here did. Sad, given this place should offer advice.

People did offer advice.

You might not like it but advice was given. Dig a bit deeper is pretty good advice.

Lashalicious · 02/01/2018 14:39

Any update, op?

VladmirsPoutine · 02/01/2018 14:47

He's having an affair and that's the long and short of it. HTH.

Original poster
Puppyduppydoo · 02/01/2018 17:22

The police are now involved. There will not be any more updates and after posting this I will be coming off MN for a while.

I’m ashamed to be part of a so-called
‘supportive’ forum when the support looks like much of what this thread does.

Thank you to those who read the thread properly.

OP posts:
DivisionBelle · 02/01/2018 17:26

Good luck, OP.

I am sorry you have had all this to cope with.

All of it.

RedDogsBeg · 02/01/2018 17:44

Good luck to you and your husband, OP. I am sorry it has escalated so far that you have had to involve the Police and also sorry you had some of responses you did on here.

It is strange that posters can believe that people lie and make stuff up on the internet including quite frequently here on MN, and believe that people can lie and spread nasty rumours in real life but are too blinkered to believe that the woman in your case was lying even when you had proof she was.

All the best to you and your dh.

JacquesHammer · 02/01/2018 17:51

He's having an affair and that's the long and short of it. HTH

Don't be ridiculous. You can't possibly know that. Similar happened to me and I wasn't having an affair. Suspect a more salacious outcome would be more interesting to you. Maybe that's the long and short of it. HTH.

OP - all the best. I really hope things work out for you.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/01/2018 17:52

Hope you’re ok and it doesn’t go on for much longer x

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