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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with MIL re: party guests?

134 replies

ApplesTheHare · 30/12/2017 18:30

Went to a party at the in-laws today. We were really looking forward to it after a rubbish end to the year. Had a miscarriage in October and the complications, including infection, have taken until the week before Christmas to sort out. MIL knows all about this and has been supportive. I asked her a few weeks ago who was going to the party today and she said she didn't know. Fair enough.

We went to the party and walked in to hear a baby crying. I haven't been around any babies since the MC and we don't have any close friends/families with babies ATM so I wasn't expecting it. My heart started racing and I teared up, and felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't tell whether I'm being a bit of a special snowflake or whether it was insensitive of MIL not to tell me there would be a baby there? I feel upset that she didn't even think of it as she knows what the past few months have been like and has helped out when I've been in hospital, etc. AIBU?

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 30/12/2017 18:33

But your MIL said she didn't know who was going to be there

Sorry for your loss Flowers

KarmaStar · 30/12/2017 18:35

As she has been supportive I'd give her the benefit of doubt that she didn't know a baby was coming OP.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.Flowers
You are not being a special snowflake!of course you are not.
Be kind to yourself.
I hope 2018 is a much better year for you

PinkHeart5914 · 30/12/2017 18:36

Your mil didn’t know who was going to be there, this is people don't always rsvp and some people just turn up.

I am sorry about your miscarriage I’ve suffered myself with a stillbirth in the past so I do know how upsetting it can be but I don’t think Mil has done anything wrong here 💐

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/12/2017 18:36

Either it’s a huge faux pas or she’s a complete bitch. You know her better than us. Whose baby is it?

Tinselistacky · 30/12/2017 18:37

Your mil knew damm well who she had invited to her own party!!
Even if they hadn't confirmed they would attend.. Nasty woman imo.
Sorry for your loss.

CosmicCanary · 30/12/2017 18:39

Obviously it came as a shock but you cannot blame mil.

She already said she did not know who was going to the party.

For you OP Flowers

FiveGoMadInDorset · 30/12/2017 18:40

Argh misread, so sorry, I missed that was a party your MIL was hosting, could it possibly be someone who was visiting relatives and decided to come along? just to give her the benefit of the doubt?

pinkyredrose · 30/12/2017 18:40

Sorry for your loss , I can't imagine how it feels. You can't expect other babies not to exist though.

midnightmisssuki · 30/12/2017 18:41

Has she ever given you reason to distrust her? If no then I would just believe that she really didn’t know who was turning up. Could the person with a baby be a late-show up? Could she be someone’s plus one?

Tinselistacky · 30/12/2017 18:42

Mil must have invited a baby though! She should have warned you - even if they hadn't confirmed!! My ex mil did this years ago and I never forgave her.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/12/2017 18:44

“Nasty woman imo.”

That’s a bit harsh Tinsel Hmm
Sorry for your loss, but you can’t avoid babies all the time.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 30/12/2017 18:44

If she's been supportive and kind prior to this, and seeing as she told you beforehand that she didn't know who was coming, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, and chalk it up as a bad show all round. I'm so sorry OP Flowers

demirose87 · 30/12/2017 18:45

Maybe she should have known that a baby being there would affect you like this and it does seem careless on her part, but sometimes people need things spelling out. If someone turned up with a baby and she hadn't known that they were bringing them, then I'm not sure this is your mil's fault. She could hardly turn them away.
However, if she knew how you feel around babies and still went ahead and invited, then she is in the wrong. There's going to be times when being around babies is unavoidable unfortunately and I can't imagine how this would make you feel as I've never gone through it myself. I am very sorry for your loss.

Twinkleheth · 30/12/2017 18:47

I’m so sorry for your loss. After my MC I genuinely lived in fear of meeting anyone who was pregnant but babies were a joy to me - but I completely understand how upset this would make you. I don’t know your MIL so I can’t judge but it sounds at worse she just didn’t think - most people don’t think that seeing a baby will be a trigger, it’s not that she doesn’t care, more that she wouldn’t have put two and two together. She’s been so lovely and supportive that I can’t believe she would have done anything to deliberately upset you. I do hope you’re as ok as you can be OP

jb1305uk · 30/12/2017 18:48

I’m sorry for your loss. I miscarried two years ago at Christmas and although every situation is different, I do understand that it’s an awful thing to go through.

Is there any chance that your mother in law was aware there was a baby coming but didn’t think it would be a problem? I’m saying this as although my MIL was very supportive, a few days after I miscarried she offered to visit with her 1 year old great niece as she thought it might cheer me up. Obviously we put her straight and she apologised. Perhaps your MIL didn’t realise how upset it would make you and there was no malicious intent.

Take care of yourself and I hope the new year brings happier times.

Rossigigi · 30/12/2017 18:49

I'm so sorry for what you have been through Flowers
It could be that she just didn't think. I know it's really important to you, but for someone else they may not make that connection.

theymademejoin · 30/12/2017 18:49

Unless you told her being around babies would bother you, she had no way of knowing it was a problem. I suffered a late pregnancy loss but being around babies didn't bother me at all. They made no difference to my situation. I do understand other people react differently.

Sorry for your loss but I think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt here, particularly as she has been supportive.

Caspiana · 30/12/2017 18:50

You poor thing, you’re not being a snowflake at all. You’ve had a horrible experience so it’s understandable you’re upset.

Whether or not your MIL has done anything wrong, it seems unkind to take you by surprise. She may not have known the baby was coming? People have a habit of thinking that turning up with a baby is no big deal, so possible it was a surprise to her. If she has been supportive, I’m sure she didn’t mean to upset you but I can see why you are Flowers

RhiannonOHara · 30/12/2017 18:50

She could have said 'I don't know but I did invite X, who's got a small baby that he/she/they might be bringing if they come', so you'd have a bit of warning.

TwitterQueen1 · 30/12/2017 18:52

What a horrible thing to say Tinsel. Of course she's not a 'nasty woman'.

Sorry for your loss OP but i too don't believe your MIL did anything wrong here. A miscarriage is terribly traumatic - so many of us know that unfortunately - but I can't see that there is any malice or nastiness here.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/12/2017 18:52

"I know it's really important to you, but for someone else they may not make that connection."

I think this ^^ is more likely to be the case.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2017 18:53

She may not have realised that it would upset you. It's also possible that the baby's parents are guests who matter to her, though, and she would not have wanted to uninvite them, or order them not to bring the baby, because of you - though she should have probably let you know that A&B will be there with their kid.
If she's always been nice to you, give her the benefit of the doubt. It sounds very unlikely that there was any malice involved.

DivisionBelle · 30/12/2017 18:59

You are not being a snowflake, and it is unlikely that MIL intended to be insensitive, and highly unlikely (unless you know otherwise) that she is a ‘nasty woman ‘.

Have you spoken with her about being around babies? When you asked her who was coming, did you ask about any babies? She may have not put two and two together.

I am sorry about your loss.

Original poster
ApplesTheHare · 30/12/2017 19:00

Thank you for the condolences and Flowers to those who have been here too.

To clarify, the baby was visiting local family who are MIL's best friends, so MIL invited them. They confirmed 2 weeks ago, which is when the miscarriage complications were still going on.

I know I can't avoid babies and I haven't tried to, I just wasn't prepared to be in a confined space with one. Especially as all our family and friends were quite rightly fusing over the new baby. I'd imagined myself with a big bump over Christmas so it felt shitty. Of course I got a hold of myself and congratulated mum on her lovely baby.

I can't believe MIL would do anything to upset me deliberately but I'm struggling to understand why she didn't mention it. It just feels so insensitive. We've talked about the party a few times since I first asked who was coming, but I suppose I haven't gone into detail with her about all my feelings about the MC so maybe IABU. I'm not sure how DH feels or whether to bring it up with him if I'm just being silly.

OP posts:
pallisers · 30/12/2017 19:03

Very sorry for your loss.

I've had a miscarriage myself and to be honest, it probably wouldn't have occurred to me that a baby might bother you. I'd have been more likely to worry and tell you if a pregnant woman was there.