To be upset with MIL re: party guests?

[ApplesTheHare]

Went to a party at the in-laws today. We were really looking forward to it after a rubbish end to the year. Had a miscarriage in October and the complications, including infection, have taken until the week before Christmas to sort out. MIL knows all about this and has been supportive. I asked her a few weeks ago who was going to the party today and she said she didn't know. Fair enough.

We went to the party and walked in to hear a baby crying. I haven't been around any babies since the MC and we don't have any close friends/families with babies ATM so I wasn't expecting it. My heart started racing and I teared up, and felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't tell whether I'm being a bit of a special snowflake or whether it was insensitive of MIL not to tell me there would be a baby there? I feel upset that she didn't even think of it as she knows what the past few months have been like and has helped out when I've been in hospital, etc. AIBU?

and how have I personally attacked you?

Anniethinggose Why try to inflame discord between the OP and her MIL when a lot of people have said that MIL's mistake was a mistake a lot of us would have made?

ng

Life goes on OP. It's a disappointment but don't make it a tragedy or it will consume you. It's usually nature's way of dealing with an embryo that isn't viable - that wouldn't ever have made it full term. I found it helpful to think like that when I had a loss.

Please don't make anything of it with your MIL. It sounds like you have a decent relationship with her (so many don't) so hold onto that and don't bear a grudge.

Personally I can't see anything thoughtless in what your MIL did. If you find it hard to be around babies then I think that's for you to handle, others shouldn't have to accommodate that. I've had a m/c, lot she of my friends and family had too. A poster upthread said "you don't just get over a m/c" - well, clearly some people don't but actually I think most people do. This is probably your MIL's way of seeing it too.

Wow this is getting vitriolic! I would just like to make a few points,
1.Yes miscarriage is hugely upsetting and everyone deals with it in a different way

1. We cannot know OP, or her MIL
2. No one should second guess another's feelings. If you want to know, ask them. If you want someone else to know tell them.
3. There may well be a generational thing, I had two miscarriages 40 years ago and it was a subject not to be spoken about. which was upsetting

5 Lastly, and this is in no way to make less of the loss, but most people would be amazed to know how common miscarriage is, and we all deal with it as individuals.

1. MIL from all accounts has shown care, and would no doubt be very upset to hear all this nastiness.

For many of us grief is private, it takes time to heal and learn to live with. Please let's stop all this mud slinging, it wont help op

Oh yes, sorry middleclassproblem it seems I got you mixed up with another poster, apologies.
It's hard to differentiate/have the energy to keep up in a pile-on.
It's such a waste because my opinion won't change and neither will anyone else's.
It helps no one to derail a thread just to try and 'put someone in their place' as it were.
Happy New Year's Eve.

Did MIL definitely know they would have a baby with them? If she invited a couple who had another couple staying with them, it might have been more a "is it ok if Sue and Bob come too? They'll be staying with us for Christmas" without MIL remembering that Bob and Sue have a new baby...

I was fine around babies after my MCs, just not pregnant woman. Obviously you might not feel the same, every woman feels differently. Don't be mad at her for not thinking in the middle of everything else at hosting a party the various way you might be hurt.

I went on a family camping trip a few days after my first mc. Although I didn’t want to interact with the baby it’s being there didn’t upset me.

It wouldn’t cross my mind that someone who suffered a mc months ago would find a baby being present a problem.

Thanks Anniethinggose I'm not quite sure why you've been treated the way you have by some on this thread but the CHOICE to prepare myself to see the baby was all I'd have liked. Totally right.

Chattymummyhere not sure if you read my further posts beyond the original but the miscarriage wasn't months ago. It started in October but I was bleeding and in and out of hospital until just before Christmas due to retained products. So it only actually finished the week before the party. And I wasn't upset by the baby being there - I'm not trying to avoid them - I'd have just liked MIL to have mentioned it so that I could mentally prepare myself. As it is, I got it together to congratulate mum and meet the baby but the initial and unexpected shock of hearing that cry when we walked in was horrible.

I wasn't upset by the baby being there - I'm not trying to avoid them - I'd have just liked MIL to have mentioned it so that I could mentally prepare myself. As it is, I got it together to congratulate mum and meet the baby but the initial and unexpected shock of hearing that cry when we walked in was horrible.

In which case I'm not sure what the problem is. You got a shock, you were briefly disarmed and choked up and then you gathered yourself together and dealt with it.

This is how we cope with the tricky stuff in life. There's no aibu here. Your MIL hasn't done anything wrong and doesn't deserve challenging over this. I suppose a very thoughtful and sensitive person might have mentioned it but most people wouldn't and that doesn't make them out to get you. It means they're getting on with life, planning parties, counting sausage rolls etc and just not remembering your feelings all the time. You will have moments like that one again probably and you'll handle them appropriately I'm sure.

Good luck, hopefully you'll have happy news this new year.