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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with MIL re: party guests?

134 replies

ApplesTheHare · 30/12/2017 18:30

Went to a party at the in-laws today. We were really looking forward to it after a rubbish end to the year. Had a miscarriage in October and the complications, including infection, have taken until the week before Christmas to sort out. MIL knows all about this and has been supportive. I asked her a few weeks ago who was going to the party today and she said she didn't know. Fair enough.

We went to the party and walked in to hear a baby crying. I haven't been around any babies since the MC and we don't have any close friends/families with babies ATM so I wasn't expecting it. My heart started racing and I teared up, and felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't tell whether I'm being a bit of a special snowflake or whether it was insensitive of MIL not to tell me there would be a baby there? I feel upset that she didn't even think of it as she knows what the past few months have been like and has helped out when I've been in hospital, etc. AIBU?

OP posts:

CocaColaTruck · 30/12/2017 19:05

She may genuinely not have thought you would be upset. I have had 2 miscarriages and was happy to be around babies soon afterwards - it didn't upset me at all.

Everyone is different.

So sorry for your loss.

CosmicCanary · 30/12/2017 19:05

How you feel is not silly.

However the MC was 3 months ago and to mil it may not have occured to her a baby at a party would upset you.
I probably would not have thought to tell you either unless I knew how hou felt.

If mil is normally lovely then you need to let this go. Your upset/resentment could damage the relationship you have with her.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/12/2017 19:06

Apples please don't upset yourself over this. I genuinely believe it was an oversight on your MIL's behalf.

GottadoitGottadoit · 30/12/2017 19:08

It’s I my since being on Mumsnet that I have realised that babies are super upsetting for some people who’ve had miscarriages. So I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

WinnieFosterTether · 30/12/2017 19:11

I'm sorry for your loss
She may have thought they would leave the baby with a sitter or she may not have realised how upsetting it would be for you.
Tell your DH that you were/are upset - not so he can complain to his DM but just so you can get his support (and so he can be aware that being in company with babies may upset you just now).

GreenPurpleRed · 30/12/2017 19:11

Me too Gotta, and I've had 2 mc.

Macauley · 30/12/2017 19:13

sorry for your loss. It can be such a surprise how strong your feelings are when you encounter a baby/ pregnant woman after a loss.
I didn’t realise how I would feel so maybe your mil didn’t click that this would upset you. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt if she’s been supportive.

KitKat1985 · 30/12/2017 19:13

Sorry you were upset OP. But I doubt this was deliberate on behalf of your MIL. And I don't really think it's realistic to go to a social event and expect that no babies or young children will be there, so (and I mean this as kindly as possible) I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Whinesalot · 30/12/2017 19:14

She just probably didn't think or connect the party and you. I wouldn't take it personally.

greendale17 · 30/12/2017 19:14

"I know it's really important to you, but for someone else they may not make that connection."

^This. Did you tell your MIL about not wanting to be around babies?

TwitterQueen1 · 30/12/2017 19:17

In the nicest, kindest, most understanding way OP, a miscarriage is awful for the mum and the dad. It's not awful for everyone else - partly because so many of us have had one, including me.

I'm not sure that I would have thought about this if I'd been in your MIL's shoes. And I also don't think you can ban people from coming to a party because they have a baby and someone else might be upset.

YANBU to be upset, but unfortunately I think there's nothing to be done here.

user1471451866 · 30/12/2017 19:20

It might not have been malicious. My friend dropped in on me and my baby twins on her way back from hospital after her miscarriage. Played with the babies while telling me she couldn't face a pregnant friend. People react differently and she might have had a different experience

Nikephorus · 30/12/2017 19:20

She probably didn't think they'd bring a baby with them to a party.

Petalflowers · 30/12/2017 19:23

If your MIL has been supportive and you have a good relationship with her, then I would let it go.

AmysTiara · 30/12/2017 19:23

I doubt she thought to connect the baby coming with you being there.

April229 · 30/12/2017 19:24

Could it be that even if she knew they were invited she didn’t know for sure they were coming or that they would bring the baby?

And honestly if she has not been through a MC she would not realise that it would be difficult for you to be around a baby, if you have been out in public you could run into a baby anywhere. So unless you explained specifically that you needed to know if a baby would be there, how would she understand how important it was to be exacting about who was there - expecting her to know this and call every guest to get a definite confirmation of who from their household is coming and specifically if a baby would be there to be able to tell you ahead of time is a bit unlikely.

How have you managed other occisiaons where you have been out in public and there is a baby?

Weebo · 30/12/2017 19:26

On the other hand, she may not have wanted to approach you about a baby being there and risk you being offended by the warning.

It's a bit of a minefield.

I can understand how difficult it must have been though, my heart goes out to you.

If you are sure MIL would never do anything to deliberately hurt you then I wouldn't think badly of her for this.

Be sure to talk to your husband about how you are feeling though, it doesn't do well to feel these things alone no matter how silly you may think you are being. Take all the support you can get.

mindutopia · 30/12/2017 19:29

I think I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't realise how it would affect you and you obviously didn't realise enough either to mention it to her. I would imagine she was probably focusing on you during this time and on the general stresses of Christmas and probably just trying to keep it all going and make things seem a bit normal for you. Maybe she didn't want to bring it up or ask thinking she might make you feel bad by pointing out that this was even something you'd be upset about? Particularly if she's never had a mc herself, she maybe doesn't even know.

I had a mc earlier in the year and to be honest, being around babies didn't bother me at all. Being around other pregnant women was torture, especially if they were about as far along as I would have been. But babies, totally fine. I don't know that it would have occurred to anyone to ask me if it would be a problem, even though I have lovely supportive friends and family around me. But I think it can be so individual. I had a friend who had a mc around the same time as me who was really offended and traumatized by the thought that someone could have a mc and not name the baby. Like she took offensive if anyone didn't ask what her baby's name was and was sure I would do the same. But it never occurred to me to name the baby we lost. It didn't feel like 'our' baby and I actually didn't want it to have a name. Everyone's different. Assuming it's not obvious she's being horrible, I would give her the benefit of the doubt, but maybe just talk about it if you feel you can, so she understands (and your dh too) in the future. Sorry for your loss.

clairebear31 · 30/12/2017 19:30

If she's kind and supportive to you I don't think she would purposely set out to upset you. Maybe have a chat to her about how you feel when you see babies out and how it makes you upset still. Maybe she didn't realise.

theymademejoin · 30/12/2017 19:32

@ApplesTheHare - I'm struggling to understand why she didn't mention it.

As I and other posters have said, presumably because she didn't realise it would be an issue. It might be no harm to mention to her that you found it difficult to deal with. However, I would be careful not to sound like you are blaming her or accusing her of being insensitive. Maybe say you were surprised by your reaction. If she's as supportive as you say, she'll be careful of future situations that may cause a problem.

MissClareRemembers · 30/12/2017 19:36

I’ve suffered 2 mc. After the first one I took a few days off work. On my first day back, a colleague came up to me with a card and asked if I wanted to sign it. It was a congratulations card for another colleague who had just had her first baby. It was horrible but in hindsight I’m glad I was offered the choice instead of someone making the assumption that I would rather not sign it.

I wonder if your situation is similar? Perhaps your MIL didn’t want to make that call on your behalf.

Hmmalittlefishy · 30/12/2017 19:39

I don't think she meant to upset you.
She may not have made the connection and will have had alot on her mind with Christmas and hosting and probably worried about you and your dh. Who she invited and who they brought with them may not have been at the top of her mind
But if she did make a connection between the visitors and your mc then she was still in an bit of a quandary.
If she mentioned it to you you may he upset and say you didn't want to attend or she would have to uninvite guests while discussing your mc with them which you may not want
Be kind to yourself op and hope 2018 is better for you

Mrsmadevans · 30/12/2017 19:43

She's insensitive and thoughtless at best
Cruel at worst
I am so sorry my dear I lost 2 babies like you and it nearly killed me mentally . The only thing that helped was talking about it to my loved ones and the passing of time and truly mourning the two lost babies and acknowledging them. I so hope you feel much happier soon , take care .

extinctspecies · 30/12/2017 19:51

I am really, really sorry about your MC. I have been through the same thing.

But, it was almost 3 months ago - and you cannot avoid seeing babies during the course of your life.

I am sure your MIL did not think this would upset you, and would be devastated if she realised.

It will get better, I promise you. I now have two exuberant teenagers and my MC is a tiny blip in my past.

RaptorsCantPlayPoker · 30/12/2017 19:53

She's insensitive and thoughtless at best
Cruel at worst

I think that’s an exaggeration. It’s likely that she just didn’t make the link. I’ve had a MC and it was heartbreaking but I wouldn’t expect people to let me know in advance if a baby was going to be at the same party as me. I don’t think it would cross my mind to tell someone is the roles were reversed and a baby was coming to one of my parties.

In fact, following my MC I think I’d have been more upset by someone warning me that a baby would be present than seeing a baby.

Everybody is different.

Sorry for your loss

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