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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with MIL re: party guests?

134 replies

ApplesTheHare · 30/12/2017 18:30

Went to a party at the in-laws today. We were really looking forward to it after a rubbish end to the year. Had a miscarriage in October and the complications, including infection, have taken until the week before Christmas to sort out. MIL knows all about this and has been supportive. I asked her a few weeks ago who was going to the party today and she said she didn't know. Fair enough.

We went to the party and walked in to hear a baby crying. I haven't been around any babies since the MC and we don't have any close friends/families with babies ATM so I wasn't expecting it. My heart started racing and I teared up, and felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't tell whether I'm being a bit of a special snowflake or whether it was insensitive of MIL not to tell me there would be a baby there? I feel upset that she didn't even think of it as she knows what the past few months have been like and has helped out when I've been in hospital, etc. AIBU?

OP posts:
Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 15:02

You're lashing out at someone showing solidarity to a woman who was put in a horrible situation thanks to her MIL's thoughtlessness.
I'm sorry for whatever you're going through.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 15:09

No, I'm saying you are being incredibly rude to many women on this thread, as well as to the OPs mil who she says is kind and supportive.

I don;t know what your deal is, but you're being nasty for no good reason on this thread.

ChasedByBees · 31/12/2017 15:11

Honestly I wouldn't have thought that a baby would be so upsetting unless I was directly told so I don't think this was intentional and you should try and let this go. Flowers

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 15:13

You won't like every response by every poster. MIL has been kind and supportive but was thoughtless on this one. It's clear to anyone reading the thread, that I was talking about MIL, not addressing every person individually ffs. If twisting and goading fulfils you, so be it.

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 15:13

That was to curry

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 15:20

No, and I can say so. Yours was inaccurate, rude, and came after OP had already decided on her thoughts.
If you don't like replies to your opinions, don't post them.

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 15:21

I don't mind, I'm just wondering what you're hoping to achieve here?

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 15:21

Could you go annoy someone else please, you are very tiresome.

CosmicCanary · 31/12/2017 15:28

Sorry Annie but I agree with Curry.
Your post was nasty about a person uou fo not know and despite the OP saying mil is lovely.
You just needed to have a bash at somebody it seems.

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 15:30

I have the right to post my opinion without trying to pick up others on theirs or trying to provoke which is what you've done to me. You don't agree with me. I don't agree with you. You can't start something personal and then dismiss that person when it didn't work how you imagined it would. But good effort.

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 15:31

Ah well cosmic.
If I was having a party and I knew a newborn would be attending, I would make sure a recently bereaved mother would know in advance and not be in for a shock. That's what I'm like, shoot me.

wheresthel1ght · 31/12/2017 15:32

I haven't had a miscarriage but I was told for nearly 20 years that I couldn't have kids. I never really told anyone I found it hard to be around babies with the exception of my best friend.

If she has been supportive and helpful to you up to this point I doubt very much that she meant to upset you. Chances are as others have said that it just never occurred to her that it would upset you. 3 months from the start of the miscarriage she may have thought you had got your head round it and would be OK. Or she may not have realised that they would bring the baby.

Be kind to yourself and her.

CosmicCanary · 31/12/2017 15:33

Thats you Annie that does not mean everyone who does not think like you deserves your wrath.

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 15:34

I don't think saying someone was thoughtless is the worst thing in the world especially as it's true. If it wasn't deliberate, it was thoughtless. It just was.

Confusedbeetle · 31/12/2017 15:38

Very sad to hear you lost your baby, although you felt this was a curved ball, there is no way you can avoid seeing babies. Probably the first time being the worst. You will always feel the loss, but it will get easier. Other people cannot second guess how you are feeling unless you tell them

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2017 15:39

Anniethinggose you didn’t just say thoughtless. You said “extremely thoughtless or emotionally unintelligent”

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 15:40

That's right, Middle.

ConciseandNice · 31/12/2017 15:48

I’ve lost 6 babies, including twin boys at 4 months and honestly it has never bothered me to be around babies, even at the time. I think it is a case of your MiL just not thinking you’d be so sensitive about it. I don’t think she was being mean or unreasonable in any way. I am sorry for your loss, the chances are any women at the party have also had miscarriages I just think it’s one of those heavy weights we carry with us that we just have to get in with things regardless.

ConciseandNice · 31/12/2017 15:49

Many women...sorry

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2017 15:52

Just pointing that out that you are lessening it by saying “I don't think saying someone was thoughtless is the worst thing in the world“. It’s a bit like the difference between saying someone is not the best looking person in the world and calling them fuck ugly. Basically you have turned pointing out that someone was thoughtless in this instance (we don’t know what’s going on with MIL) to an insult to anyone who has ever done this.

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 15:57

Someone took umbrage the the 'thoughtless' part, if I recall. It makes no difference. Thoughtless OR lacking in emotional intelligence. OR being the key word. As in, something OR other, not something AND other.
Unbelievable.
Do you know what, if the shoe fits, wear it. Something could only apply to someone if it applies to them.
I'll point out that you don't know me, either, which was your first point in addressing me. That I don't know the MIL. Don't be a hypocrite. OP asked for opinions on her MIL. I gave mine as did everyone else.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2017 16:01

How as I a hypocrite? I merely pointed out that your phase came across as an insult, as did others. I haven’t said anything about you or your character, just what you said...

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 16:05

Like I just said, you said I was nasty about someone i don't know (even though an opinion was asked for), now I've been personally attacked (water off a duck's back) when you don't know me. Didn't you say I just wanted to have a pop at someone? No. I was empathising with OP.
This is mumsnet, there are much worse things you read than my opinion on a thoughtless OR emotionally unintelligent person.

Louiselouie0890 · 31/12/2017 16:12

Some people genuinely just don't think. After my miscarriage my mum pointed out some baby clothes not thinking and she was mortified when she realised.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2017 16:14

When did I say that!?! I think you’re mixing up my posts with someone else’s or something. I have only said that your comment sounded like an insult to anyone who has ever done this.

I have no issue with you saying thoughtless just “extremely thoughtless or emotionally unintelligent” as that’s just a blanket statement. It reads as this is your opinion on someone who has done this and that they are like this full stop, not just in this instance. It reads as you think that this person is completely lacking in that area rather.

I am not saying you want to just have a pop at anyone. You may just wish to consider your phrasing as I’m not sure what you wrote was intended to sound so harsh.