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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with MIL re: party guests?

134 replies

ApplesTheHare · 30/12/2017 18:30

Went to a party at the in-laws today. We were really looking forward to it after a rubbish end to the year. Had a miscarriage in October and the complications, including infection, have taken until the week before Christmas to sort out. MIL knows all about this and has been supportive. I asked her a few weeks ago who was going to the party today and she said she didn't know. Fair enough.

We went to the party and walked in to hear a baby crying. I haven't been around any babies since the MC and we don't have any close friends/families with babies ATM so I wasn't expecting it. My heart started racing and I teared up, and felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't tell whether I'm being a bit of a special snowflake or whether it was insensitive of MIL not to tell me there would be a baby there? I feel upset that she didn't even think of it as she knows what the past few months have been like and has helped out when I've been in hospital, etc. AIBU?

OP posts:
nuttyknitter · 30/12/2017 19:58

I'm sorry you've had a miscarriage but (as someone who has also been in your position) I wouldn't have thought twice about a baby being there.

LolitaLempicka · 30/12/2017 20:03

Your MIL wasn't being insensitive. It wouldn't occur to me. How long will you avoid babies/pregnant people?

LJdorothy · 30/12/2017 20:14

She may have been worrying on your behalf about the baby coming to the party too, but was unsure whether to say anything to you in advance, in case you got upset or angry that she was implying you wouldn't cope around someone else's baby. If she is generally lovely I wouldn't let this spoil your relationship.

OwlinaTree · 30/12/2017 20:16

So sorry op. I've had this strong reaction once after losing my first child. Went out for a meal with work colleagues. All standing round the bar having drinks. Overhead person saying 'we need a high chair' um what? Oh so and so is coming and bringing her baby (basically same age as mine would have been).

It really upset me as I was totally unprepared for a baby to be in that environment. Who takes a baby on a work night out? See babies every day at work, but I know that will happen.

So I understand op. Fx 2018 will be your year. Flowers

ZipItZebedee · 30/12/2017 20:18

Ive had a miscarriage too and it wouldn't have occurred to me that it would have been a problem. At least it wouldn't have prior to joining Mumsnet 🤷🏻‍♀️ Since joining Mumsnet I now know better and understand that some women find babies and pregnant women a real trigger even if they have had early Miscarriages.

OP, I honestly don't think your MIL has done anything wrong. I don't even think she was thoughtless.

BTW Were you aware that a baby would cause you such an issue? I wonder if you knew and if you had told your MIL before the party she would have been more careful. Iyswim
BTW No2 was it just your MIL doing the inviting? Perhaps she didn't know because your FIL was inviting people too.

CurryWorst · 30/12/2017 20:24

Id say it never even occurred to her to say to you. There are babies everywhere, we can't avoid them.
Please don't listen to idiots on aibu who will try to convince you that your kind and supportive MIL is some kind of vile cruel bitch. This was not a good idea for you to post.

codswallopandbalderdash · 30/12/2017 20:45

I think your MIL was insensitive and a bit of a cow about this.. She should have told you there might be a baby at the event - she obviously knew who she'd invited. I expect that she has no idea how much it bloody hurts to lose a child, and that it isn't something you just get over. Thinking of you and hoping that you and your DH have time together to heal

pallisers · 30/12/2017 20:55

I think your MIL was insensitive and a bit of a cow about this..

you think this even though loads of us have come on here and said despite having miscarriages ourselves, it wouldn't have occurred to us that a baby would upset the OP?

Also, you have no idea whether the MIL has had a miscarriage herself - I believe one in four pregnancies is the statistic so it is quite likely she has.

OP, again sorry for your loss and sorry for your experience at the party - but don't think of her as a cow or insensitive if she isn't.

extinctspecies · 30/12/2017 21:33

Any excuse to knock someone's MIL, eh?

ZipItZebedee · 30/12/2017 21:37

I also wonder why the anger is directed solely at the MIL. The OPs DH presumably didn't think to check who was invited and neither did the FIL.

nancy75 · 30/12/2017 21:46

If the baby was visiting family the Mil might not even have known they were bringing it to the party.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2017 22:07

Try to ignore the posters slagging off your MIL. They are obviously the sort of people who think the world revolves around them and every social occasion has to be planned with their needs and feelings given top priority. It's extremely unlikely that your MIL meant to hurt your feelings, given that you say she has been kind and supportive in general.
If you were visibly upset during the party, it might be worth having a word with her, but don't make it a matter of blaming her - say you didn't realise you would find it so distressing to see a baby.

Coyoacan · 30/12/2017 22:09

Another one who never knew that women who have had miscarriages would be upset by babies until I joined mumsnet.

CottonSock · 30/12/2017 22:15

I too hated seeing babies after a mc (had 4 of the darnthings). However, you can't really expect other people to avoid them. You will start to feel better, although it might not feel like it now. The first time probably the worst. I don't think mil did anything wrong.

NegansDollFace · 30/12/2017 22:18

Why are people assuming MIL hasn’t had a miscarriage? Presumably because she has been so ‘insentive’? Balls to that. OP’s own DH didn’t bother to check if there were any babies at the party. I’m assuming he knew how OP felt yet it is his mother who is being torn down here. Ridiculous.

I’ve had 3 miscarriages, one late stage and this would have never occurred to me as a problem. OP’s MIL might have been afraid to mention it incase OP became offended, she might have thought friends would get a babysitter for the party and she might have simply thought it wasn’t a problem because no one TOLD her otherwise. PPs can squawk all they want about MIL being insensitive but more than one person has mentioned that they wouldn’t have thought a baby as an issue so the same can be said for MIL. People aren’t mind readers and assuming will get a person no where in situations such as these.

Stickerrocks · 30/12/2017 22:28

It wouldn't occur to me to warn someone that a baby may be present. In my team at work a colleague had a miscarriage at 8 weeks at the weekend and came back to work on the Monday. She was sitting alongside someone who was 7m pregnant and someone whose wife gave birth in the same week. Everyone handles things differently and It's impossible to anticipate reactions. Others may have been equally upset to be warned that a baby would be present.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2017 22:33

I think YABU.

dubmumof2 · 30/12/2017 22:33

It does sound like you've had a particularly horrid time OP. [Flowers] Remember though that your MIL was kind and supportive. I dont remember that either my DM or MIL were particularly kind or supportive after my 2 MCs. I always put that down to a generational thing...pick yourself up and get on with it type of reasoning.
And, truly, I never found it hard to be around babies after, pregnant women were harder but not for too long. If I had invited you to a party I really don't think it would have occurred to me that you would feel as you did with the baby being there....so maybe give your MIL the benefit of the doubt...?

AlonsosLeftPinky · 30/12/2017 22:35

I think it's just one of those things. You have to be around babies at some point. It wouldn't occur to me to warn anyone about babies coming to a party of mine, and I wouldn't change who I wanted to invite.

So realistically, the situation would have been the same regardless.

BewareOfDragons · 30/12/2017 22:46

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP.

But I think it's unfair to be upset with your MIL. She sounds like she's been nothing but supportive and kind.

Why are people always so quick to be angry with women? No one is holding her probably co-host of the party to a 'should have known better' standard. And it probably wouldn't have occurred to me either, tbh, to know that's what you were 'really' asking without being explicit, and I have 3 school aged children still and have friends who have suffered losses.

DustyCropHopper · 30/12/2017 22:55

Did you specifically ask if any babies were going? If not, you asking who was going may have been seen as a general enquiry and so she may not have thought about the baby. Although you were still having complications until a week ago she may not have realised that you had not come across any babies since October. I am so sorry for your loss but I think as you have said mil has been supportive I would just put this to her not thinking rather than being deliberately nasty xx

Straycatblue · 30/12/2017 23:06

As others have said, it doesnt sound like you specifically told your MIL that having a baby there would be a problem so it may not have occurred to her you would find it upsetting especially as by default if she was doing it deliberately then she would be upsetting her son as well who is also grieving.

Presumably you are as equally upset with your FIL?

OwlinaTree · 30/12/2017 23:08

I don't think this is mil fault BTW. Just adding my story to say I sympathise with the op. Unless the op had said something I don't think the mil could have known she would be upset.

Donnerkebabbler · 30/12/2017 23:11

I’m so sorry, but other people’s lives go on

Backtoblack1 · 30/12/2017 23:14

So she did know who was coming?! I think she should have told you. I’m sorry about your mc x