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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with MIL re: party guests?

134 replies

ApplesTheHare · 30/12/2017 18:30

Went to a party at the in-laws today. We were really looking forward to it after a rubbish end to the year. Had a miscarriage in October and the complications, including infection, have taken until the week before Christmas to sort out. MIL knows all about this and has been supportive. I asked her a few weeks ago who was going to the party today and she said she didn't know. Fair enough.

We went to the party and walked in to hear a baby crying. I haven't been around any babies since the MC and we don't have any close friends/families with babies ATM so I wasn't expecting it. My heart started racing and I teared up, and felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't tell whether I'm being a bit of a special snowflake or whether it was insensitive of MIL not to tell me there would be a baby there? I feel upset that she didn't even think of it as she knows what the past few months have been like and has helped out when I've been in hospital, etc. AIBU?

OP posts:

AnnaT45 · 30/12/2017 23:21

You're not being silly at all. Of course you're going to feel that way. I'm so sorry for you.

I personally think even if they turned up unannounced MIL could have text or grabbed you as soon as you walked in to warn you. But then maybe she just didn't think it through with organising everything.

If I were you I'd mention to her so you have chance to hear her side. An apology may ease the pain.

BitterAndTwistedChoreDodger · 30/12/2017 23:28

You are perfectly reasonable to feel upset.

However, as someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages, it wouldn't have ocurred to me that this would be upsetting.It's such a personal thing to go through.

I bet your MIL would be mortified to know that you are so upset.

BitterAndTwistedChoreDodger · 30/12/2017 23:29

*It's such

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2017 23:31

I think as you asked her who was coming s "few weeks ago" she probably wasn't too sure at that stage, she wouldn't have lied to you just to be cruel. I also think once she did know it probably didn't occur to her to then tell you as it wouldn't have occurred to her it would upset you.

I think a lot of people would make the same mistake really.💐

ZipItZebedee · 30/12/2017 23:31

BTW OP, I know there are lots of posters including myself are saying we wouldn't have been bothered to have been around babies or pregnant woman but I don't think anyone is implying that you are the least bit wrong to be. Iyswim. I think posters are just saying it to explain why it wouldn't have necessarily occurred to your MIL that it would upset you.

Everyone deals with these things differently and there is no right or wrong.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2017 23:35

If I were you I'd mention to her so you have chance to hear her side. An apology may ease the pan

I think this is a bit much really. The op herself says she didn't tell her that being near babies upset her and most peoole wouldn't have guessed it would.

mummmy2017 · 30/12/2017 23:40

Please don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.
I know you were upset and you got over it so well, it's always the first time your in a small space with a baby that hurts, but be brave, and just accept the loving woman who help you at the lose of your baby, would never be cruel and do this, if even for one second she though it would hurt you.
I am so so sorry your baby is an angel.. I just hope you can move forward and have the family you deserve...

BedtimeTea · 31/12/2017 00:01

I am sorry for your loss OP. As a MIL and somebody who has also experienced mc, your mil was probably innocent in not mentioning a baby being there. It would not occur to me to mention it either.

RideOn · 31/12/2017 00:01

I’m sorry for your loss, I don’t think she was being insensitive but it’s also not shocking that you were upset.

Biffsboys · 31/12/2017 00:28

I’ve had 4 mc in a row and seeing tiny babies broke my heart , but if I went to a gathering and there was a baby there I’d just try to enjoy their happiness. Life can be cruel- however it goes on .

Dontknowwherethelineis · 31/12/2017 01:59

You're not being a special snowflake - miscarriages can be devastating and the presence I'd a baby when you are not used to having then in your life otherwise is going to be a genuine trigger for distress. I've been there (ended up in tears at pil house watching a miscarriage storyline in a soap.... I was embarrassed and felt like I was overreacting but couldn't help it).

However, I do think it's difficult to expect others to understand quite how sensitive a situation seeing another baby can be. A month or so after my first miscarriage we spent Christmas am in a pub and my mum pointed out a, family friend's newborn and I felt socked in the gut, proceeded to get trashed and couldn't remember eating Christmas Dinner. I don't blame my mum but it was strangely insensitive of her. It wouldn't make me feel better to blame her and fuel anger. Do you think you can easily make the decision to let her off? If you are struggling with grief it might feel better to displace your emotions and be cross at her but I reckon that it'll just make you feel worse?

SE13Mummy · 31/12/2017 02:48

YANBU to be upset when taken by surprise by the presence of a small baby at an event you hadn't imagined that one would attend, and after you've only just physically recovered from a complicated miscarriage. I don't think your MIL was being unreasonable either though; we all react so differently to things that unless she'd been told that you needed to avoid babies at the moment, I think it's reasonable for her to not have mentioned it.

That said, I am massively sympathetic towards the way you're feeling at the moment and how an unexpected baby may have felt like having the rug pulled from underneath you. It's ten years since I had my first miscarriage which was upsetting but not complicated. Soon afterwards I had a ruptured ectopic and I struggled to recover from that emotionally. I found it really hard to see pregnant people that I knew, even ones that I was desperately happy for because I knew about their fertility struggles. In spite of that, I had to really psyche myself up to go to places where pregnant friends would be. It got better but I felt so sad about the ectopic pregnancy that I needed to avoid being ambushed by pregnant people. I actually ended up sending an e-mail to loads of friends telling them what had happened and that I couldn't cope with seeing pregnant friends at the moment - it's a very unlike me sort of a thing to have done but it worked wonders for self-preservation.

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/12/2017 04:26

I don’t think you are being a special snowflake because I have heard this on MN from a lot of women who are trying to conceive, but it isn’t how everyone reacts to this type of tragedy. It may just not have occurred to your MIL, when you asked who was coming, that this might be something she needed to warn you about rather than you enquiries simply being idle curiosity. It wouldn’t have occurred to me before spending time on MN. I’ve had MCs while trying to conceive through fertility treatment, but, if anything, other people’s babies made me happy and hopeful rather than sad. I don’t say this to disparage your reaction - it’s totally valid, I do understand the loss and I hope you get your dream soon - just to point out that it isn’t necessarily something that everyone will be tuned into.

So, unless your MIL has form for being horrible to you, I think maybe Your hurt over this is more about your grief over your loss than about the fact MIL failed to anticipate your reaction to someone else’s baby?

givemesteel · 31/12/2017 07:58

It could be a generational thing, you MIL will have come from a different era where miscarriages were brushed under the carpet and women were expected just to get on with things.

As pp have said she wouldn't have known this would be a trigger for you and wouldn't have known that was why you were asking about who was coming.

Also your MIL when she asked this couple with a baby she probably assumed they wouldn't bring the baby but get a sitter or one if then stayed at home. My mum thinks it's really odd when people bring babies / children to adult events as they didnt in 'her day', but again it's a generational thing.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope the new year brings better things x

LolitaLempicka · 31/12/2017 08:02

I don't think it is generational and I don't think she is "brushing it under the carpet". Many people on this thread did not find being around babies difficult in any way.

Original poster

ApplesTheHare · 31/12/2017 08:33

Thanks everyone I think the majority here are right, and that MIL wasn't being malicious. I was just so surprised and taken aback yesterday. The last time I saw her was just before Christmas having been to the hospital again so she knew the miscarriage was still going on then. She also knows I would have been heavily pregnant around this time but must have just not made the link. I've come across pregnant women at Christmas parties this week and it's been fine, it was just walking in and hearing that unmistakable baby cry that got me yesterday.

To answer a few questions: the miscarriage started in October but the bleeding didn't stop until 5 days before Christmas. With the 'end' of it being so recent I haven't quite had the 3 months to move on that some posters have picked up on.

As I've said before I know I can't avoid babies, haven't been trying to and wouldn't ever have asked MIL not to invite the baby.

I was upset by MIL in particular rather than FIL because I haven't spoken to him about this, so I'm not even sure he knows. DH has been away with me on holiday so was also taken by surprise by party guests. I spoke to him last night and he was very supportive. He thinks MIL was unintentionally insensitive.

Thanks for all the advice, I'm not going to talk to MIL about it as I don't think she meant it nastily and as people have pointed out she may not have wanted to bring it up for fear of offence anyway. Happy New Year to you all, I've really appreciated all your replies. I definitely feel better about it for a bit of perspective

OP posts:

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 10:13

I'm shocked at the responses here. Any other day and it would have gone completely the other way. Miscarriage is such a personal thing where everyone grieves differently and everyone's circumstances are different. One person's ability to be surrounded by babies and not be slightly bothered is another woman's crushing heartbreak.
I'm sorry but only an extremely thoughtless, or emotionally unintelligent person would think nothing of playing down a baby being at the same event (of course she knew but she didn't want to address it) as a bereaved mother barely out of recovery.
If she had at least told you, you'd have had the CHOICE and been prepared enough to navigate your own very valid feelings.
I'm sorry this has happened

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 12:47

Only an extremely thoughless or emotionally unintelligent person would makes such a judgement.

the MIL fairly likely had a m/c herself.

Butterball17 · 31/12/2017 13:19

I wouldn’t blame your mother in law at all and I certainly wouldn’t call her some of the names other people have said on this thread as previous posters have stated it could be a generational thing and with the stress and hassle of organising a party she may not have given a baby a second thought as the world is full of them.
I have had 2 miscarriages and being around babies didn’t affect me at all... but I appreciate that everyone is different and I am deeply sorry for your loss... I have gone on to have another 4 Children despite a very complicated ectopic pregnancy so there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Your feelings and emotions are always valid of course but unless your mother in law is an extremely unkind person then I highly doubt she gave it a second thought and would probably be mortified she had upset you!

pallisers · 31/12/2017 13:20

I'm sorry but only an extremely thoughtless, or emotionally unintelligent person would think nothing of playing down a baby being at the same event (of course she knew but she didn't want to address it) as a bereaved mother barely out of recovery.

And how do you feel about your own sensitivity having effectively told the many women who have miscarried and posted on this thread that they are extremely thoughtless and emotionally unintelligent?

Coyoacan · 31/12/2017 14:43

Happy New Year, OP. I hoe the next year brings you lots of happiness and success, so sorry for your loss.

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 14:49

Curry as I said, every woman in every circumstance reacts and copes differently in each situation. It's irrelevant to me whether MIL had a miscarriage herself, I think a lot of us here have.
I feel fine pallisters, posting to OP about her MIL. Anyone can personalise anything. If anything strikes a chord with someone, that's because it's relatable to them. If it doesn't, then it's fine.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 14:52

Then you have even less basis for your rude and ridiculous judgement, don't you?

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 14:53

I don't think so. It was thoughtless of the MIL, no doubt about it.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 15:00

There is much doubt about it. You are thoughtless, no doubt about that.

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