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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm not the bad guy here

445 replies

HorseCFery · 30/12/2017 11:00

I've name changed for this. I think the friend in question is a MNetter and I don't want it linked to other stuff I've posted

Just as a bit of background, DD2 has been horse riding for several years and earlier this year we were really lucky to be able to find her her first horse.

Anyway, friend has 2 daughters, quite a bit younger than mine. Both are mad about unicorns and horses - neither have ever had any riding lessons or anything like that.

Friend's daughters have birthdays next weekend, and friend asked me if they could have a unicorn/pony party using DD's horse - apparently you can buy unicorn horns and glittery shit for horses, invite a few friends and spend a couple of hours grooming horse, putting flowers, glitter and ribbons on her, and have pony rides on her.

I've said no. Mainly for safety reasons. Horse is amazing but she's not what I would consider a plodder/riding school safe. She's not overly patient with grooming and not suitable for young children who have never ridden before. She is as good as gold with DD, but I'm not happy with letting young, complete beginners on her, even with adult supervision.

There is another riding school down the road who do exactly what she wants, so I gave her all the details.

Friend had been a total pain in the arse about it. Even accosted DD in the street and gave her a lecture about being kind and sharing.

I spoke to friend the other day, made it clear I was pissed off, that I wasn't going to change my mind and to give it a rest. She apologised and I thought that was the end of it.

I'm just having a quiet mooch on Facebook and see a post from her - apologising that she has to cancel next weekend's party, how gutted she is, that someone she thought was a friend has let her down, that she had an amazing party planned but someone is 'too up themselves' to help her make her daughters happy on their birthdays

I'm itching to reply to the post, but I'm moaning on here instead.

I'm not going to change my mind, I've said no for, IMO, very good reasons. She can still have the amazing party, she'll just have to pay for it

OP posts:
pictish · 31/12/2017 13:10

"Horses are not toys for excitable kids. Much better to pay for lessons so her dd could learn how to care for an animal properly and learn a skill."

Couldn't agree more...but I'm still not seeing the actual harm in a unicorn activity.

Thehogfather · 31/12/2017 13:12

As long as op doesn't suggest lessons or she'll be expected to provide those gratis too!

pictish · 31/12/2017 13:15

And I know I'm being like a dog with a bone on this one... I'm boring myself...but there's a good few people claiming cruelty here and I'm wondering why? It's a strong word to use for something that seems, to all intents and purposes, pretty harmless, if not to everyone's taste.

Sludgecolours · 31/12/2017 13:20

We've all explained several times about the context being paramount. There is no harm in one, or even two, supervised children learning to plait a mane, on a suitable horse, under supervision. However, many of us are saying that this is not a good party activity for groups of excited children. What's so hard to understand about that?

And even in show horses (depending on the discipline) plaiting can be done for aesthetics AND so the reins don't get tangled up in the mane.

Sludgecolours · 31/12/2017 13:24

Yes, I understand, cruelty is a strong word and there a lot worse things that could happen to a horse, but I think people are thinking more about the safety of the DC, the fact that a horse (being well trained) may not like the fuss and may be stressed, but will put up with it anyway, and even if it doesn't mind it (who can really tell for sure?) the moral aspect of what it is teaching DC about how to treat and respect fellow beings?

Sludgecolours · 31/12/2017 13:26

So (could have expressed myself better there!) people are using the word cruel in the sense of "undesirable" behaviour, not to be encouraged, unpleasant way of treating a sentient creature.

pictish · 31/12/2017 13:34

"However, many of us are saying that this is not a good party activity for groups of excited children. What's so hard to understand about that?"

It depends on the pony does it not? You may not think it's a suitable activity but the stables offering it obviously don't agree. They simply could not offer the service unless they were confident that the pony will cope...and they would know, it's their pony. What's so hard to understand about that?

RhiannonOHara · 31/12/2017 13:39

people are using the word cruel in the sense of "undesirable" behaviour, not to be encouraged, unpleasant way of treating a sentient creature.

I agree with this.

It depends on the pony does it not? Yes. Many people have said that. In fact it's kind of the point of this thread.

I'd venture to suggest that riding schools do these kinds of things largely to raise badly needed money and for awareness/marketing themselves. And I don't mean that as a damning criticism; everyone needs to survive. It doesn't necessarily mean their horses and ponies are loving it; yes, I'm sure they know how to supervise so that 'the pony will cope', but that's arguably not the same as it being an actual positive experience for the pony.

pictish · 31/12/2017 13:43

"Yes, I understand, cruelty is a strong word and there a lot worse things that could happen to a horse, but I think people are thinking more about the safety of the DC, the fact that a horse (being well trained) may not like the fuss and may be stressed, but will put up with it anyway, and even if it doesn't mind it (who can really tell for sure?) the moral aspect of what it is teaching DC about how to treat and respect fellow beings?"

Sludge thanks...that's a far more logical response and I do agree. It is tasteless and vain...but to my mind so is show jumping and dressage. You can exercise a horse effectively, honing into its natural movements, instincts and reactions without all that ludicrous pomp and ceremony, similarly making an ornament and tool of the horse in a public arena to serve ourselves. I don't understand why they are acceptable whereas unicorn parties are a cruel abomination. Actually I do...it's all a matter of taste and nothing more.

Let's not be dramatic and claim cruelty in either instance please.

YouTheCat · 31/12/2017 13:45

Teaching children to disregard animal welfare is how we get to people who abandon their animals and treat them poorly. I know it's a big step but it has to start somewhere. It's just a 'thing'. And then there's tories voting that animals can't feel pain, which is just fucking mental and a whole other thread. But it all starts somewhere.

Thehogfather · 31/12/2017 13:56

It depends on how you're defining cruel. Teasing an animal with a treat isn't cruel in the way neglect or physical abuse are, but still cruel and unacceptable behaviour.

I'm sure many places do this type of thing without it being cruel in the slightest. Others it might be the best of a bad choice, eg not making enough money to keep horses that don't earn their keep through lessons and this creates profit a different way, so a fair pay off if the pony doesn't dislike it too much.

But just because somewhere is a riding school it doesn't mean they know, or care what is cruel on this level. I'd rather see a slightly distressed unicorn than some poor thing being booted, yanked, and bounced on in a badly fitting saddle, on a pony with no top line or training because tarquinellas parents won't continue paying if she still isn't jumping after 6 months of weekly lessons. Or something being squashed because they don't have suitable horses and are too greedy to turn down the big persons cash.

Sludgecolours · 31/12/2017 14:03

Pictish it does depend on the individual horse, but as Rhiannon says, that still doesn't guarantee that it is a positive experience for the animal. And as previous posters have explained ad infinitum, even the most well behaved animal (even an animal trained to carry disabled children) can have an off day, or react unexpectedly in some way, because they are animals, not robots.

You and I will have to agree to disagree about horse sports. The magnificent animals that carry out dressage and show jumping to a professional level would not be bred if they didn't have a specific purpose. And I am personally of the belief that there is nothing wrong with an animal having a "job" that it has been bred and has evolved, over thousands of years, to do. A bit like a sheep dog fulfilling its natural destiny by herding sheep! And believe me, you can't get 500 kg of horse flesh to do something it doesn't want to do. I know more about horse racing and eventing than other disciplines but look up Mad Moose on You Tube if you don't believe me. (A race horse who didn't want to race, so he didn't!)

Frouby · 31/12/2017 14:09

I don't think the unicorn parties are cruel. My old pony who we sadly had pts would have loved it. She was never happier than being fussed over by kids. I once took her to DDs school for the morning when she was in year 1. She was in absolute heaven with the dcs taking it in turns to give her a brush then a cuddle.

I could tie her up on the yard in summer, give my 2 year old ds and 4 year old niece a bucket of warm water and a sponge and tell them to get her clean. And she would stand and go to sleep while they titivated or wait for a head to pass within reach to nuzzle. She was an absolute nanny of a pony.

However. My other pony same breed and same background would absolutely not tolerate such malarkey and would probably eat a few dcs to express his displeasure at it all.

Very much horses for courses.

Willow2017 · 31/12/2017 14:43

Not all riding stables are ethical enough to offer this service with no strings attatched.
Many moons ago when i was going to riding lessons they had a motmey bunch of horses to say the least. From plodders to race horses! One was the best ride ever but she would bite or kick without warning either human or horse if the mood took her. I remember a bunch of school kids came for a lesson and she had nibbled on one kids leg thrice before they left the yard!
Stables cost a lot to run and i have no doubt if this one was a 'thing' back then they would be doing these parties to make extra money. How many kids would have left unscathed is another matter entirely 😀

Looneytune253 · 31/12/2017 14:49

Why don’t you comment ‘you were not let down you’ve only just asked me and I said no straight Away for legitimate reasons. The horse would not cope with this and you insisting on it is just cruel. Your fb post is just rude and unnecessary, you shouldn’t have planned a party with my horse without talking to me about it.

bendywindy · 31/12/2017 14:58

LOL jesus CF of the day Star

bendywindy · 31/12/2017 14:59

honestly, poor horses who have to do this. people are twats. your friend in particular.

CremeFresh · 31/12/2017 15:24

Our stables doesn't let children handle the horses unless they've got a riding hat on , I hope Mad Unicorn Mum had factored in the cost of buying everyone a hat.

Sludgecolours · 31/12/2017 16:08

Good point Cremefresh - our local stable is the same - I think I remember reading somewhere that one in five horse related accidents occur on the ground, before mounting.

Karigan1 · 31/12/2017 16:10

It’s normally the little @@@@@ stepping on your feet and then swivelling isn’t it lol

LazyDailyMailJournos · 31/12/2017 16:19

This evening's party is going to be interesting - I wonder if she'll have the brass neck to say anything?

Thehogfather · 31/12/2017 16:27

Surely op would be buying the hats too? It would be selfish not to

StillWorkingOnACleverNN · 31/12/2017 16:32

YANBU but people who don't know anything about horses might not understand. Although face to face is usually best, if you write down the reasons in an email then she can be angry about it for a while and then possibly read it later when she's in a better frame of mind and she might understand better. You should give her space while she calms down and comes to understand that an apology is in order - it sounds like she's jealous and disappointed.

Willow2017 · 31/12/2017 16:35

I would love to be a fly on the wall tonight when cf complains to all and sundry about the 'spoiled party' and everyone telling her to shut the fuck up as she is pig ignorant about horses.

Op please cone back and tell us how it goes. (Sorry us nosey buggers really need to know😉)

Willow2017 · 31/12/2017 16:49

Still

Op told her no on safety reasons the first time she asked and the fact her dd didn't want her pony put through such crap. She still accosted her dd in the street about it and tried to bully her into allowing it. Thats awful behaviour from an adult.
After that I wouldn't give a ff how disapointed she was.

She had no right to tell people she was having this stupid party without even asking op if it was possible first.

Making nasty lying posts about op on fb just shows how ignorant she is and that she really isnt a friend.
I wouldn't waste time explaining anything to her. She didnt listen first time. She could have had the party elsewhere with all the safety stuff taken care of but wanted op to provide it for free (and no doubt take the blame if somone got accidentally hurt) not worth another thought never mind a detailed email

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