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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm not the bad guy here

445 replies

HorseCFery · 30/12/2017 11:00

I've name changed for this. I think the friend in question is a MNetter and I don't want it linked to other stuff I've posted

Just as a bit of background, DD2 has been horse riding for several years and earlier this year we were really lucky to be able to find her her first horse.

Anyway, friend has 2 daughters, quite a bit younger than mine. Both are mad about unicorns and horses - neither have ever had any riding lessons or anything like that.

Friend's daughters have birthdays next weekend, and friend asked me if they could have a unicorn/pony party using DD's horse - apparently you can buy unicorn horns and glittery shit for horses, invite a few friends and spend a couple of hours grooming horse, putting flowers, glitter and ribbons on her, and have pony rides on her.

I've said no. Mainly for safety reasons. Horse is amazing but she's not what I would consider a plodder/riding school safe. She's not overly patient with grooming and not suitable for young children who have never ridden before. She is as good as gold with DD, but I'm not happy with letting young, complete beginners on her, even with adult supervision.

There is another riding school down the road who do exactly what she wants, so I gave her all the details.

Friend had been a total pain in the arse about it. Even accosted DD in the street and gave her a lecture about being kind and sharing.

I spoke to friend the other day, made it clear I was pissed off, that I wasn't going to change my mind and to give it a rest. She apologised and I thought that was the end of it.

I'm just having a quiet mooch on Facebook and see a post from her - apologising that she has to cancel next weekend's party, how gutted she is, that someone she thought was a friend has let her down, that she had an amazing party planned but someone is 'too up themselves' to help her make her daughters happy on their birthdays

I'm itching to reply to the post, but I'm moaning on here instead.

I'm not going to change my mind, I've said no for, IMO, very good reasons. She can still have the amazing party, she'll just have to pay for it

OP posts:
EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck · 31/12/2017 11:42

You don't share an animal like a toy! What about the poor horse's welfare? She's a CF.

ReanimatedSGB · 31/12/2017 11:46

With proper supervision and a placid horse that's used to beginners and children, I agree that it's not necessarily any more 'cruel' than dressage or showjumping.
But OP's point was that her DD's horse is not a dozy, placid riding school pony which doesn't mind young noisy kids and neither OP nor DD are qualified to supervise such a party even if they wanted to. So OP was not remotely unreaasonable in refusing.

ChasedByBees · 31/12/2017 11:48

She is not a friend. I would post this to your FB page with no comment (although it would unnecessarily continue the drama)

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-37875194

pictish · 31/12/2017 11:50

I concur SGB. I have wholeheartedly supported the OP's stance on this one throughout the thread.

I simply wanted to ask why some posters were stating that these unicorn parties are cruel. Cruel and tasteless are different things.

EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck · 31/12/2017 11:50

Your horse sounds like the equine equivalent of me OP! Xmas Grin

RhiannonOHara · 31/12/2017 11:51

pictish, people have talked about the general excitability of a group of children, even if well supervised, and how that is not compatible with (many) horses' natures and characters. You haven't engaged with that or said why you don't find it 'reasonable' or satisfactory as an explanation.

iamaLeafontheWind · 31/12/2017 11:56

So she wants to take a large horse, add a spike & let the children play with it? That sounds safe Hmm

mumontherun14 · 31/12/2017 11:58

My DD rides all the time and I think you are completely in the right. All it would take is for the horse to get nervous or spooked and rear or nip one of them and you'd have a big problem. For parties it's better to be properly organised at our stables the parents all have to sign health and safety forms xxx

pictish · 31/12/2017 11:59

Because I'm assuming that the stable staff particular to a yard who offer this, know their own ponies and horses and what they are able for, as well as being adept at managing the event. Otherwise they could not offer the service.
I don't know why you're painting a picture of a chaotic rabble for dramatic effect.

RhiannonOHara · 31/12/2017 12:01

I don't know why you're painting a picture of a chaotic rabble for dramatic effect.

That's quite funny. Grin 'chaotic' rabble'? I mentioned excitable children, that's all. Who's being dramatic exactly?

Jaxhog · 31/12/2017 12:02

@chasedbybees that is a sobering article. I'm really glad that the OP has stood her ground about 'sharing' her DD's horse. In future a "my insurance doesn't cover it" should suffice.

BTW, when did it become a 'thing' to torment a poor animal for children's entertainment?

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 31/12/2017 12:03

What a CF she is - I hereby nominate her for at least an honourable mention in the MN CF of the year awards.

Please update us after the party.

ChristmasAtSquiffanys · 31/12/2017 12:07

Would the OP arrange a Unicorn Party for her own daughter and friends using her DD's horse?
No.

So why the heck should she allow the same horse to use used for someone elses party?

Sludgecolours · 31/12/2017 12:08

Fwiw, dressage, show- jumping and racing are all activities that are based on, and extend, the natural abilities of the horse in the wild.

So in dressage, for example, many of the movements are based on the collected, exaggerated movements and gaits that two horses would exhibit when confronting one another in the wild.

Wrt racing and show-jumping; horses have a natural ability to jump and as a prey animal have evolved so that they escape danger by short sharp sprints, galloping just far enough to take them out of a predator's reach.

And that's aside from the evolution of horse and man working together since 600 BC or something!

Sludgecolours · 31/12/2017 12:11

Not a chaotic rabble, but have you never encountered excited DC at a party? Imho, it's not the correct context for child-horse interaction; just as it's advised not to introduce a puppy in to a home at Christmas.

Thehogfather · 31/12/2017 12:17

It's only cruel if either the horse shows signs it isn't enjoying it, or if the horse is so good natured it will tolerate treatment it dislikes.

Some can be a bit like dogs and enjoy the fuss. Some like dd's would be polite enough to tolerate a group for a short spell and if you were cruel enough to ignore her dislike she'd soon end it herself. But at the same time very much enjoys being messed with on her terms by the few people she likes. And has worn all manner of ridiculous fancy dress, glitter and other shite, which if she objected to she'd make perfectly clear. Pegasus wings, antlers etc ok. Some over reach boots as part of a costume not happy so straight off.

Some are like ops and don't enjoy any of it.

Tbh though she could own a pony that would really enjoy the experience, and it would still be rude to ask, let alone expect. I've never understood why people who wouldn't dream of asking to borrow a car, or for you to pay and supervise their kids swimming lessons, or their night out, or to tag on your holiday for free etc etc think horses are there to be shared.

ArchchancellorsHat · 31/12/2017 12:29

My cat went bananas when I tried getting a collar on her - in her own home, without a lot of excited six year olds running about. No chance would I be trying to stick a sodding horn on a horse and covering it in glitter, poor bugger.

pictish · 31/12/2017 12:35

"So in dressage, for example, many of the movements are based on the collected, exaggerated movements and gaits that two horses would exhibit when confronting one another in the wild."

I believe you...but I'm not sure the elaborate and time consuming braiding and knot work on their manes and tails are based on the horse's natural propensity to do its hair. That's purely for us. Like the unicorn parties.

YouTheCat · 31/12/2017 12:42

All these crappy, tacky events do is show children that animals can be treated as disposable items for their amusement. Same as circuses that have performing animals - it's just doesn't sit right with me at all. I don't like those people who drag out birds of prey for the general public to coo over in shopping centres either. It's utterly shit.

Teaching a child, in a calm and appropriate environment, how to care for an animal is a different thing entirely. Horses don't need glitter. I don't even like the damn things but I respect that they should be able to exist without harassment.

pictish · 31/12/2017 12:54

I agree with you YouTheCat...unicorn parties as well as traditional dressage for mane and tail are all very self-serving and tasteless, using the animal to indulge our vanity for our own entertainment...but being a stickler for a point I'm still not seeing anything that could be defined as tangibly cruel about any of it. That's the word that has been used repeatedly and that's what I'm questioning.

AnnetteCurtains · 31/12/2017 12:59

Completely agree with you OP

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/12/2017 13:00

I used to volunteer with Riding for the Disabled. The ponies we absolutely bomb proof riding school ponies. I also rode regularly so knew horses. Still got bitten!
(Greedy barrel of a pony who could smell polos a mile off Grin)

Sludgecolours · 31/12/2017 13:05

The knotting and braiding of manes and tails often have a practical purpose though as well as an aesthetic one (ie a carriage horse may have its tail knotted up out of the way of whatever it's pulling) or just to keep a mane or tail from getting caught or muddy, ( ie bandaged tail when travelling) or a mane is knotted so it's easier to keep it clean and dry and untangled. Just as regular grooming (a clipped stabled horse) helps to keep its skin in good condition and enables you to pick up any lumps or bumps.

Extraneous furtling around purely for "fun" is totally different! You can't even say it facilitates horse-child bonding in any significant way because the DC will never see that horse again!

Willow2017 · 31/12/2017 13:09

Having the people you have known for a long time, who gave groomed you, trained you and ridden you on a regular basis for years plait your mane in a calm and gentle manner is one thing.
Having half a dozen excitable kids all desperate to 'glitterize' a 'unicorn', all wanting to brush them, sit on them etc is a different matter altogether.

I wouldn't let them near my pony (if i had one) for all the tea in china ( nor would anyone i know who actually has a pony/horse. Its an accident waiting to happen)

I remember being on the ploddiest pony imaginable as an adult and it was spooked by a tractor. We broke the sound barrier going down the road!. Me hanging on and whispering sweet nothings about glue factories and dog food in his ear😀

Horses are not toys for excitable kids. Much better to pay for lessons so her dd could learn how to care for an animal properly and learn a skill.

pictish · 31/12/2017 13:09

Great...that makes sense, although I do know that these elaborate braids are often just for show as well.
But where's the cruelty in kids braiding a placid pony's mane for fun if the pony doesn't mind?