In wanting DH to put career on hold to care for DS rather than go FT at nursery?

[IndieRar]

Bit of background: I run my own company and work full time. DH is employed full time, we have similar income but mine slightly more. DH took 7 months parental leave to care for DS and loved every moment, after I went back to work when he was 12 weeks old. DS is 12 months old now.

Since his return to work, DH had been doing longer days and not working Fridays so DS only in nursery four days a week. But he has to work longer days and over the weekend to make up the contracted hours.

We're considering putting DS in Nursery five days a week as DH can't go on doing compressed hours and thinks his career will suffer if he goes down to four contracted days.

I wouldn't entertain the idea of dropping a day as it's my company and I really enjoy it. But then selfishly I don't want DS to be in Nursery full time either and want DH to drop a day or half a day. He doesn't particularly like his job but he doesn't want to be at a disadvantage for promotion if he's seen as part time (even though 30 hours is still considered full time).

We don't know anyone else whose child is in nursery full time, nor any couples where the dad was/is the main career on parental leave and considering reducing hours. Nor are there any senior people in his company on reduced hours (or many women for that matter).

Although FT nursery is fairly financially crippling, it's not a huge leap in cost from 4 to 5 days so not really a deciding factor. It's a very long day for him though and may mean that he ends up wanting his key worker more than us if he's there more! He really enjoys Nursery and is thriving but is exhausted at the end of his four days. I can't work from home as it's not the kind of thing I can do from home and look after DS at same time.

Do/did any of you have little ones at Nursery full time and would you do it again? Has anyone got any advice for me? Am I being massively selfish in wanting DH to step back in his career to look after DS one day a week? AIBU in wanting DS to only be in four days when I'm not prepared to reduce my own hours? WWYD and why?

Thanks Mumsnet for any wise insight you can offer into my conundrum. Sorry for the really long post!

"Am I being massively selfish in wanting DH to step back in his career to look after DS one day a week? AIBU in wanting DS to only be in four days when I'm not prepared to reduce my own hours? "

Yes and yes. Sorry.

Sorry but I think you are being a bit selfish here. That's a lot to ask your other half to give up. And seeing as you both earn a relatively similar amount, I don't see how you can expect him to be the one to make this sacrifice unless you would also be willing to consider doing the same.

You have more flexibility as it’s your company. So YABU.

If you are not prepared to compromise on your career I'm not sure you can ask dh to do it.

How about he does 4.5 days and you also take one afternoon off a week?

However I would make the point that this is a very short time in terms of a whole career. I'm part time and figure I have another 30 years, does it matter if I stall for 5 years?

Honestly I think YABU. Why should he reduce his if you're not willing to reduce yours?

We both reduced our working week to 30 hours to accommodate DC spending less time in nursery.

Could you both do 4.5 days as a compromise? It seems unfair that DH is having to work weekends to make up for your lack of flexibility.

How well does your company run when you are not there?

Could you have a WFH day where you are just on email etc.

Your staff won't mind :)

Yes, YABU 4 days a week will damage your dh's future prospects far more because he is employed, especially as he took 7 months leave. Your prospects will be far less affected as it is your company. You might even enjoy an extra day with your DS.

You're not BU at all, and actually it's quite refreshing to see someone suggesting their DH drop hours as it's usually the other way round.

I do compressed hours with a two hour round trip commute and it is draining so I can see where he's coming from. However, I do this because it's more important to me that DS is only in nursery four days a week. Our original intention was to both drop a day so he only goes theee days and has a day with each of us, but in the end the numbers just didn't stack up.

I'm currently looking for another job due to my commute and know that I might not be able to get compressed hours, but if I'm closer to home and in better money, then I'll have no issue with asking DH to drop down to four days. One of us has to make a sacrifice for a few years and it shouldn't/doesn't have to be me!

YABU and selfish.

I would start thinking seriously about doing compressed hours or a day off, even if it takes a while to achieve it. I think it would be supportive to your Dh to do this.

Surely the solution is to employ a nanny?

Plenty of people have their DC in nursery full time and it works out fine. I don’t think DS will want the key worker more than you, you’re still his parents!

DS was in nursery From seven months and I went back to work part time but in the end I went even more part time so that I could spend more time with him. I was still breast feeding at that stage and earning less than DH, so it was a reasonably straight forward choice.

The key thing was that DH and I discussed and negotiated it together. YABU to expect your DH to make a move he doesn’t want to make when you are not prepared to make the same sacrifice yourself. The way you say “I wouldn’t entertain the idea of dropping a day” and “I really enjoy it” does make you sound a bit selfish if you are then judging your DH for having a similar stance! Especially as it sounds as if the compressed hours are taking their toll on him if he is having to work weekends as well.

Is there any practical reason why you can’t drop a day or is it just that you don’t want to? Do you not have a “deputy” who could take the helm for that one day?

My 2 have both been ft in nursery from around a year. 1 loved it and thrived and is now a bright articulate sociable 6 year old with attitude going on 16 the other enjoys it, has fun but would prefer a split with hom because of their personalities.
I think you are being unfair on your dh asking him to do something you are not prepared to do yourself and I also think it depends on the organisation and role wrt promotion prospects but generally p-t wouldn't be considered in my multi national (wrongly probably but that's another story altogether)
Why is compressed hours not working for him?

Both my children were FT for about 2 years at nursery. They loved it! I made sure I prioritised my evenings and weekends to spend time with them versus doing hobbies which would take me away from them. It was their routine.

Yes you are being unreasonable. You can’t refuse to go pt while demanding it of someone else.

YABU. I can see why this seems like the answer, but it's unreasonable to expect him to do what you're not prepared to.

If a man came on here saying he'd asked this of his wife, he'd be crucified.

It’s not a massive jump from 4 to 5 days, your DS will adjust. My DS was in 5 full days, like your DS my DS loved nursery also so that was half the battle and I really felt no guilt because of this. DP and I could work and we were safe in the knowledge he was enjoying himself in a safe stimulating environment. YABU to ask your DH to drop his hours esp if you’re not willing to.

Nursery is only for a few years, then he’ll be in school with a mandatory 5 days, your DH might become resentful then so just try to see the bigger picture.

Blimey that was quick!

Yes I thought so. That's what I told DH, that as I wasn't prepared to do it I can't expect him to either. So it looks like full time for all of us.

I can't really reduce hours but maybe I could do half a day from home if DH does half a day too. Would have to speak to business partners to see if feasible.

Has anyone got LOs at nursery full time who can reassure me it'll be ok and they don't call their key workers Mum?

You’re asking your DH to do what an awful lot of working mums do so I don’t think that’s unreasonable. You have to make the best decision for you all as a family.

Financially it makes sense for your DH to do more caring as he earns less however he has to want to do this or it won’t work. Could you agree to a 12 month trial then reassess to see if the reduced hours do impact his career? Is your DH comfortable with nursery 5 days a week? Or would he also prefer only 4?

You are being selfish
An extra day in nursery is not going to make that much difference to your child
They won't want the keypweson more than you
That's just guilt talking
He will be fine
I've worked in nurseries for many years and lots of children go full time

It makes no sense to think five days in nursery is worse than four, that number of days has a cumulative effect. Nursery is an experience that happens a day at a time. If one day is OK, then five is.

It's your company so presumably if you go part time for a bit your career won't suffer in the same way as your dh.

You are being completely selfish. You want something ie your son not being in nursery full time but your not prepared to facilitate it.

If he's there 4 days a week does 1 extra really make that much difference. I think you feel guilty but it's your choice.

Sorry, but you both made a decision to bring a baby into the mix, so it's very selfish to not consider even dropping 1 day a week to be with your child.

I ran my own company before my dd was born, I spent my entire pregnancy gearing it up to be managed without me there full time. I appreciate that all businesses are different and your presence may be needed, however I would love to go back to work but it's more important for me to be nurturing my child.

Might sound harsh but it seems to me you are putting your business before your child, and that just isn't right.

You can’t ask someone to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself.

Your child will be fine in nursery. They will have a wonderful time with the other children. Have you considered a nanny instead?