In wanting DH to put career on hold to care for DS rather than go FT at nursery?

[IndieRar]

Bit of background: I run my own company and work full time. DH is employed full time, we have similar income but mine slightly more. DH took 7 months parental leave to care for DS and loved every moment, after I went back to work when he was 12 weeks old. DS is 12 months old now.

Since his return to work, DH had been doing longer days and not working Fridays so DS only in nursery four days a week. But he has to work longer days and over the weekend to make up the contracted hours.

We're considering putting DS in Nursery five days a week as DH can't go on doing compressed hours and thinks his career will suffer if he goes down to four contracted days.

I wouldn't entertain the idea of dropping a day as it's my company and I really enjoy it. But then selfishly I don't want DS to be in Nursery full time either and want DH to drop a day or half a day. He doesn't particularly like his job but he doesn't want to be at a disadvantage for promotion if he's seen as part time (even though 30 hours is still considered full time).

We don't know anyone else whose child is in nursery full time, nor any couples where the dad was/is the main career on parental leave and considering reducing hours. Nor are there any senior people in his company on reduced hours (or many women for that matter).

Although FT nursery is fairly financially crippling, it's not a huge leap in cost from 4 to 5 days so not really a deciding factor. It's a very long day for him though and may mean that he ends up wanting his key worker more than us if he's there more! He really enjoys Nursery and is thriving but is exhausted at the end of his four days. I can't work from home as it's not the kind of thing I can do from home and look after DS at same time.

Do/did any of you have little ones at Nursery full time and would you do it again? Has anyone got any advice for me? Am I being massively selfish in wanting DH to step back in his career to look after DS one day a week? AIBU in wanting DS to only be in four days when I'm not prepared to reduce my own hours? WWYD and why?

Thanks Mumsnet for any wise insight you can offer into my conundrum. Sorry for the really long post!

Yes, once we get links to daily telegraph articles and people telling us they’re a ‘psych’ and dishing out ominous warnings, then frankly we’re beyond the realm of intelligent discussion

Thanks for the link. Not read it though, just the title. Strikes me as 1/5 are pretty good odds when 1/4 people in the UK suffer from some kind of MH problem according to Mind. Maybe all young children are better off in ft nursery care!

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/statistics-and-facts-about-mental-health/how-common-are-mental-health-problems/#.WkkGZyunyEc

If you don't want your child in ft nursery then you need to cut your hours.
I gave up my business because I don't believe in childcare when I could do it, just my opinion. I didn't work for 25 years and was a sahm.
I didn't expect dh's career to suffer, no way would I have expected him to stop anything he was doing because of my decision.
Sorry YABU and should have worked all this out before having dc.

Sorry for silence, have been out for a lovely family lunch.

@LannieDuck
But surely that applies to the OP's DH just as much as to the OP herself? Why is the woman always expected to want to stay home and look after the children, but the man isn't?

So true. DH was always the one who desperately wanted to be a dad more than anything, I wanted a child at some point but have always been much more career driven than him so we decided he'd be 'main parent' for want of a better phrase. When neither is working we parent 50/50 and have a very loved and happy child.

You need to find a childcare option that works for both of you. My husband and I both work full-time in demanding jobs. We found that a combination of a nursery, a nanny, and working from home 1-2 days a week has worked for us.

And @Stretchoutandwait and @Babbitywabbit thank you. There's been some good discussion here.

Everyone just needs to do what works best for them in the end. I just don't personally know any children in FT nursery, nor do I know any SAHPs. So it's been interesting reading different people's take on it.

Horses for courses.

Something else to consider is how you will manage when your child is ill and unable to attend nursery ie how it will be decided who will take time off with no notice. It's tricky if you're self-employed, and just as tricky if you're wanting to be taken seriously for promotion in many workplaces.

My dh and I have a clear arrangement about this, which has worked for us, although we've been lucky that DC's flu fell when she was between jobs!

If it's financially possible, a nanny is usually more practical for very little ones with two ft working parents.

My DH may well turn round in 2 months and change his mind again and decide to quit work altogether. Or we might decide to get a nanny. Who knows! Will cross that bridge when we come to it.

@christinarossetti we take it in turns or discuss who has something they can't get out of at work. Also both can email from home whilst he's napping. Worked so far as DS was ill on and off for weeks when starting Nursery.

@Osirus There is no way I would have a child to spend only two days a week with it. Why bother?

I hope you would make that exact same comment to a man who works 5 days per week. After all, irrespective of who cares for the child when you work, then you aren’t spending time with them.

I would also expect that most people who work FT do see their children in the week. Despite us both working 5 days per week, my own DC see one or both of their parents for between 4 and 7 hours per weekday (depending on which day it is). I know a very small number of families where one parent (almost always the father) works a huge number of hours and and rarely sees the DC in the week, but in my experience this is quite rare and the majority of working parents do see their DC in the week.

@IndieRar I wish you well and hope that you and your DH find a way to have a happy family life and good careers. This has been an interesting thread and I think it is am important issue to discuss how women and man can balance careers and family life.

Stretchoutandwait

@IndieRar I wish you well and hope that you and your DH find a way to have a happy family life and good careers. This has been an interesting thread and I think it is am important issue to discuss how women and man can balance careers and family life.

Hear hear.

I’m in my 50s now and have loads of friends my age who had a similar outlook to me- we partnered men we’d met at University or during the early stages of our careers. Later we decided to have children- joint decision- and there was no assumption that women would give up their career and men would be sole breadwinner.

Sad that in (almost) 2018 it’s still an assumption among some that women are less able or interested in the world of work, and that men are less able or interested in caring for their children

I admire your attitude OP.
You've asked a question, listened to responses, and thought about how things will work best for you and your family.
All of our situations are different, and you obviously have a flexible mindset to work at solutions when the situation changes.
And I love that you've taken on board the suggestion that you look at your business's family friendly working practices.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. My husband owns his own company, we agreed when we had our first that I would give up work to raise our children as we didn't want them in Nursery 5 days a week.

You should discuss this with your husband, any chance he could do what he does as a contractor so he has a bit more flexibility. What does he want to do?

You have more flexibility as it’s your company.

Quite often you don't, yes DH could take a month off but our business would suffer as he's 'the brand', the hours are long, the work is hard but the financial rewards are good. It's a double edge sword.

OP I was going to say 1 in 5 sounds better than the population odds!
I worked FT from when my DD was 13 months. I used a childminder til she was 2 and then switched to nursery. The nursery was particularly amazing! She really made friends there and I felt happy at work. If you find the right place for your DC it all slots into place IME.
She was always a shy child - but she was always glad to see me and I made the absolute most of the weekend.