In wanting DH to put career on hold to care for DS rather than go FT at nursery?

[IndieRar]

Bit of background: I run my own company and work full time. DH is employed full time, we have similar income but mine slightly more. DH took 7 months parental leave to care for DS and loved every moment, after I went back to work when he was 12 weeks old. DS is 12 months old now.

Since his return to work, DH had been doing longer days and not working Fridays so DS only in nursery four days a week. But he has to work longer days and over the weekend to make up the contracted hours.

We're considering putting DS in Nursery five days a week as DH can't go on doing compressed hours and thinks his career will suffer if he goes down to four contracted days.

I wouldn't entertain the idea of dropping a day as it's my company and I really enjoy it. But then selfishly I don't want DS to be in Nursery full time either and want DH to drop a day or half a day. He doesn't particularly like his job but he doesn't want to be at a disadvantage for promotion if he's seen as part time (even though 30 hours is still considered full time).

We don't know anyone else whose child is in nursery full time, nor any couples where the dad was/is the main career on parental leave and considering reducing hours. Nor are there any senior people in his company on reduced hours (or many women for that matter).

Although FT nursery is fairly financially crippling, it's not a huge leap in cost from 4 to 5 days so not really a deciding factor. It's a very long day for him though and may mean that he ends up wanting his key worker more than us if he's there more! He really enjoys Nursery and is thriving but is exhausted at the end of his four days. I can't work from home as it's not the kind of thing I can do from home and look after DS at same time.

Do/did any of you have little ones at Nursery full time and would you do it again? Has anyone got any advice for me? Am I being massively selfish in wanting DH to step back in his career to look after DS one day a week? AIBU in wanting DS to only be in four days when I'm not prepared to reduce my own hours? WWYD and why?

Thanks Mumsnet for any wise insight you can offer into my conundrum. Sorry for the really long post!

DH took 7 moths of parental leave after your 12 weeks.

That’s 10 months of one on one bonding time with his parents. I’m not trying to be be snippy but that’s more than many other children get...

As for your 4 days preference: I understand where you’re coming from, yes. But this additional day doesn’t make a huge difference imo. and this way your DH wouldn’t need to work on the weekends / have more time to spend with you and your DS!

Anyhow, what about both of you taking half a day off?

Seems like a good compromise solution imo.

And no, you owning your own company honestly isn’t a good enough argument imo. It doesn’t make your work more important than your DH’s.

Then it's easy. Just go full time. You won't have to take a day off. Neither will he. And if the price difference for nursery between 4 and 5 days isn't much then this is the best all round. Everyone is happy

Both my dcs have been at nursery full time. I have no regret about it and would do it again.

I get what you are saying about the business and the fact your DH doesn’t want to miss a promotion. That promotion will well be his way out of a job he doesn’t like....

I think you need to compromise there if you’re both agreeing that your ds shouldn’t be at nursery fill time.
You might want to work slightly different days (so one of you works a Saturday or Sunday to allow for a Friday at home with dc)
You might want to BOTH reduce your hours by half a day.
You might want to take it in turns as to who is making the ‘effort’ re looking after your dc at home. Your DH has just spent nearly a year looking after lo. His chance of promotion etc... will have suffered as result. So maybe it’s your time to work slightly reduced hours for a year and then reassess? You might well feel much more confortable leav8ng your dc full time when he is 2yo.

What I don’t agree with is for you to decide what your DH should feel about reducing hours. Aka OK because he doesn’t like his job anyway but loved being a SAHD

Yeah we're already thinking about how school will work! But it's a long way off and a lot can change in that time. I understand that many people manage to have school age children and work full time though so there must be some solution.

I've no intention of having another child, it was a heck of mission over many years bringing this one into the world! But that would be another thread.

Has anyone got LOs at nursery full time who can reassure me it'll be ok and they don't call their key workers Mum?

I can fully reassure you that both my dcs have been full time in nursery from 4 months old and have NEVER called their key worker MUM (or DAD for that matter. Some key workers are men too....).
They’ve also become very well adjusted children and then teens.
They were very happy at their nursery.

@HermioneAndMsJones thank you, you're right. Some valid points there and things to consider.

my DS (6) went to nursery full time from 10 months, he did 8am - 6pm and never called his key worker mum! He had wonderful key workers though and was happy there, one of them still baby sits on a regular basis which is lovely as she's known him all his life. It really was no issue for him doing full time nursery.

I really feel for you as it's very hard to have a toddler and two careers. I'm in the same boat... I've been doing compressed hours with a three hour commute for the last two years to make sure our little boy is only in nursery for four days as my mummy guilt told me that full-time is just too much. And now I'm moving to a 30-hours-a-week job with half the commute because I'm so exhausted that I really struggle to cope on the one day off I get with DS!!! But I'm not sure being part time is all that damaging to a career unless it's very low hours. My new job is a level above the full-time, compressed hours one ;)

Are you BU for asking your partner to do something you're not prepared to do yourself? Yes. But I'd urge you to compromise, and I'd urge your partner to not assume that part-time working is an automatic career killer. More and more people work flexibly now :)

Both of mine went full time to nursery and I would absolutely do it again.

They both formed great bonds with their key worker and it was reassuring to know that they felt this way as it meant that they felt safe and loved there.

Is this a reverse? Interesting that you're being so honest if not OP good for you being willing to say that your company is that important to you. In my world more people have children in nursery full time than not,I don't know any stay at home parents. But mumsnet seems to have more stay at home parents than not some some views will be skewed. Do what's best for all of you but I would make sure DH is happy with it too rather than pushing your views on him IYSWIM otherwise he may then get resentful that you're not willing to reduce your hours too.

Both compress your hours to 9 days in 10 so you can alternate weeks. Easier to make up and you can probably cover it out if skipping lunch on other days

I’m glad you’ve found this thread reassuring OP. There’s a risk with with work/childcare threads that they become derailed by the doom and gloom merchants telling you that your children will suffer if you’re not there 24/7 for them...

Fortunately nursery care has been around long enough now that many of us who used it have adult children, so we can tell you from first hand experience that our children are fine, well adjusted successful adults!

People do sometimes tend to think that whatever they’ve chosen to do is the ‘right way’, when in fact there’s many ways of organising your family life. The important thing is that your family life works in a way which is balanced and agreeable to everyone in the family.

Your child will be fine in Nursery full time but school is nothing like full time so now would be a good time to think seriously about your own hours. You’re a business owner, if you’re not able to make it work who is??? You could take a day off. Or two afternoons off. Or work compressed hours. So many options and as the boss you have the power to make your business a family friendly employer. It would be a great thing to do for society and your business reputation as well as your family.

My 2 and almost 4 year old have been in Nursery full time since 10 months old. We drop them at 7:30 and pick up at 18:00, so long days. We both work full time. They absolutely adore Nursery (small outstanding village Nursery with low staff turnover), love their key workers, but will happily go to any of the staff...but best of all they absolutely race up to me when I pick them up. Nursery talk about mummy and daddy lots, we were encouraged to take family photo's in for the baby room and the older one is always doing drawings of her family and talks about what's she's done with us. We do an online shop and have a cleaner so weekends are all about family time and we have a couple of holidays each year, and long weekends away.

I was in nursery FT with 2 parents working FT back in the 70s. So while you may not know anyone doing it, it's not groundbreaking.

Still wanted my DM! Apparently used to cry every day before drop off but then refuse to leave. Basically children are designed to make you feel guilty whatever you do.

Both of mine went to nursery FT and were absolutely fine. They had a great relationship with their key workers, but always preferred us. I personally don’t know many other children who do FT childcare (I don’t know many SAHPs either, most mums I know work pt and use childcare or grandparents) and over the years I have had my decision to work FT questioned on numerous occasions (DH is never asked). I used to worry about being judged, but I’m beyond it now. I think there is a general feeling that 3-4 days childcare is ok, but 5 days is not, but I don’t really think there is any difference.

As other posters have said, it is much harder working FT when they are at school. Mine have been less keen on wrap around care. The oldest hated after school club and we ended up moving him to a childminder. Our CM is fabulous, but ultimately the DC would still rather come home from school and are jealous of children who get picked up by their parents every day. There are also issues with fitting in homework and after school activities. We are making it work by having flexible jobs so that we can take them to school every day and also pick them up a couple of days a week. However to get in this position we have worked hard when they were preschool and I have changed career twice in the past 10 years in order to get myself into a flexible, and more family friendly role. My advice to anyone who wants a career and a family is to work hard during the “easy” pre school years and plan ahead in order to achieve maximal flexibility for the school years. Easier said than done though. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Our DS did ft nursery but DH and I BOTH worked flexibly to accommodate this - I flexed my hours when needed to do drop offs and pick ups and so did he, we do the same now that DS is in ft school.

As others have said - YABVU to expect your DH to do all the flexibility while you "wouldn't entertain the idea of dropping a day as it's my company and I really enjoy it."

Really OP?? Very selfish.

You really don't need to worry about your DC preferring their keyworker to you. As long as you spend time at home with them, make them your priority, it will be fine. My DDs were in full time nursery from 6 months (back before the long mat leave we get now) and we had no attachment issues whatsoever. You sound like a great caring parent and so you will all do fine.

I think if your DH can do it for a few years then it would be much better for your child.

I’ve been a keyworker for many small children and none of them called me mummy seriously don’t worry about that!
FT in nursery when they’re already doing 4 days won’t be a huge change for them either, your DC might be more tired for a week or so until they get used to being ‘busy’ for an extra day rather than chilling more at home but that’ll probably be it.

My advice to anyone who wants a career and a family is to work hard during the “easy” pre school years and plan ahead in order to achieve maximal flexibility for the school years.

YY to this - it’s what I meant about planning ahead for school years. I was t being snippy (I realise it may have sounded that way!) just that it often comes as a bit of a surprise to some people how much more tricky it is to fit around school, and FT nursery hours of 8-6 suddenly look like the golden years (if expensive).

So if, as a a PP says, you can try to think about your business and ways to transition to flexible family-friendly hours it could make a massive difference in a few years time. This time of your life will be 3 years, primary school is 7 years...

@Noqontrol this type of throwaway comment infuriates me. Do you have direct experience of having a child in FT childcare? There is no quality evidence suggesting that children do better at home than in decent childcare (and I have looked extensively). I could make a dig about the SAHP model of parenting, but I wouldn’t because a) I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, and b) I don’t have any experience of it myself. The OP asked for personal experience not random comments with no basis in either fact or anecdote.

Thank you all. Genuinely appreciated most of the comments and reading your experiences. It's very reassuring. We don't have to feel guilty about an extra few hours it turns out!

I should probably have titled the thread along the lines of full time nursery query in Childcare but I don't think I'd have got quite so many replies!

We've just agreed to ask nursery for him to go to five days when he goes back next week. DH is still going to try doing a short day Friday (his company is very flexible) but at least that'll be up to him and he's going to continue doing earlier starts so he can build up flexi. He'll still be FT which is what matters to him. We are a team and have agreed this works best for all of us right now. Then maybe I can also do the odd shorter day too.

School will be another challenge but in a few years. Doing the hours now should put us in a better position then, as several PPs suggested... hopefully!

On a side note, thanks to the person who suggested using this as an opportunity to look at the work environment in my company to make it more family-friendly (@museumum ?) That's a really good idea and I'll think about how that can work some more as it will reap rewards having a more content and fulfilled staff, and boss. We say we're flexible but I'm not sure we really are yet.

Thank you again all.

I think you have to make a decision based on what compromise their is that suits everyone. Probably, from what you've said, the full time Nursery option would be best for your circumstances.

Can you or do you have a cleaner/help in the house, so that you don't spend your time at home doing chores so much?

Am I being massively selfish in wanting DH to step back in his career to look after DS one day a week? AIBU in wanting DS to only be in four days when I'm not prepared to reduce my own hours?

Yes and yes.

He'd be in School five days a week anyway once four so not really any difference.

You should both be getting on with your careers to maximise financial support for your child rather than be stepping back and leaving one unequal.