In wanting DH to put career on hold to care for DS rather than go FT at nursery?

[IndieRar]

Bit of background: I run my own company and work full time. DH is employed full time, we have similar income but mine slightly more. DH took 7 months parental leave to care for DS and loved every moment, after I went back to work when he was 12 weeks old. DS is 12 months old now.

Since his return to work, DH had been doing longer days and not working Fridays so DS only in nursery four days a week. But he has to work longer days and over the weekend to make up the contracted hours.

We're considering putting DS in Nursery five days a week as DH can't go on doing compressed hours and thinks his career will suffer if he goes down to four contracted days.

I wouldn't entertain the idea of dropping a day as it's my company and I really enjoy it. But then selfishly I don't want DS to be in Nursery full time either and want DH to drop a day or half a day. He doesn't particularly like his job but he doesn't want to be at a disadvantage for promotion if he's seen as part time (even though 30 hours is still considered full time).

We don't know anyone else whose child is in nursery full time, nor any couples where the dad was/is the main career on parental leave and considering reducing hours. Nor are there any senior people in his company on reduced hours (or many women for that matter).

Although FT nursery is fairly financially crippling, it's not a huge leap in cost from 4 to 5 days so not really a deciding factor. It's a very long day for him though and may mean that he ends up wanting his key worker more than us if he's there more! He really enjoys Nursery and is thriving but is exhausted at the end of his four days. I can't work from home as it's not the kind of thing I can do from home and look after DS at same time.

Do/did any of you have little ones at Nursery full time and would you do it again? Has anyone got any advice for me? Am I being massively selfish in wanting DH to step back in his career to look after DS one day a week? AIBU in wanting DS to only be in four days when I'm not prepared to reduce my own hours? WWYD and why?

Thanks Mumsnet for any wise insight you can offer into my conundrum. Sorry for the really long post!

DS is nearly 18 months old and has been at nursery for a year. He started off part time and was then full time until last month.

As far as I am aware, none of the kids call their key workers Mum. What an overreaction. Surely he would be doing that already if that was a problem. 4 days is not that different from 5.

My DD was full time nursery from the age of 2.5 (I'd been made redundant whilst pregnant, it took me that long to find another suitable job due to recession hitting).

She certainly did not suffer and confuse any key worker for her parents! She was also not the only FT child in the nursery. All the children knew her because she was there every day, so she had a wide group of friends.

Of course I would have preferred different arrangements but DH couldn't drop hours and my job was a fixed term contract and I hadn't considered asking when accepting the job (plus nursery fees were only £3 a week cheaper for 4 days vs 5, so financially it didn't make sense). You do what you need to for your family.

I honestly don’t think 4 days versus 5 days makes much of a difference from the child’s perspective. As long as they’re happy at nursery, they will be fine. Our DS (2) is in 4 days a week but lots of others there, and lots of my friends, both work FT and use nurseries 5 days a week. Although having said that, nannies do become more common when 2 FT working parents, especially if you have more than one child, it’ll probably be cheaper.

A lot of PPs saying it’s unreasonable and you should drop down to part time but that’s just not an option in some jobs (eg mine!) and it’s perfectly fine. The children will be fine and before long they’ll be in school themselves 5 days a week.

You are being very selfish. DC1 went to nursery full time and thrived. She is now in primary and goes to a childminder before and after school and in the school holidays. DC2 in the same nursery as DC1 and full time now. She loves it too. You need to find a nursery and childcare during school years you are happy with and don’t feel bad about it.

FWIW my mum worked full time and I don’t feel I missed out on anything.

It's not unusual to have a child in for five days. Five days is the norm for full-time working parents.

I have one DD who went 8am to 6.30pm five days a week for 2-3 years.

Length of day need not be an issue, they do the same things they'd be doing at home. Play, eat, sleep. There's no reason why being at nursery should be less pleasant than being at home. (Depends on the nursery, I suppose.)

My dd was at nursery FT from 8mo. She turned out fine. She knew well who her parents were.
We made sure to give all of our attention and playtime whenever we were at home (morning, eve, weekends). Chores had to take a backseat for a few years. She was our complete focus outside of work hours. Can you switch off from your business evenings and weekends?

I can see that if you don't know anyone who has children in nursery full time (many many people do) then you might be worried......but honestly, five days rather than four? Doubt your DS will even notice. Seems to me that Full Time Nursery has become the Bogeyman, and keeping DS not quite full time has assuaged the guilt you feel about him going at all. If he already loves it, he'll thrive, and if he hasn't dumped you in favour of his key worker yet (and neither of mine ever have despite being in full time nursery since 5 and 7 months respectively) I doubt an extra day will make a difference.

Your ds will be fine in nursery. Personally I dropped to 3 days a week until our children started school but that wasn’t because 5 days in nursery would have been a problem- it was more about me wanting more time at home with them! A number of my friends did work full time right through; their children are now mid-20s like mine and honestly, you really wouldn’t know which of them had parents working full time, part time or not at all. So you can dismiss any idea that both of you working full time would be a problem. And there is no way your child will mistake his key worker for you, his parents.

However, there are other options, such as a nanny, if you want 1:1 care in your home. Or a mix of nursery and childminder.

Bottom line it though, you would be very selfish to try to force your dh to do something you’re not prepared to do. And working part time does impact on career prospects. I consider myself lucky that the term my youngest started reception class, I was able to return to full time as a post was advertised locally which matched my skills set. Even so, dropping to 3 days for the few years my children were tiny has impacted on my pension.

Your dh wants to work full time, so do you, so do it! It’s hard work, no two ways about it, and no doubt your own life would be easier if your dh were at home to prep dinner, do the laundry etc .... interesting isn’t it, as that’s the line we hear so often on MN but the other way round - wives prioritising their husband’s work life and missing out themselves? Don’t put that onto your husband- it will only breed resentment in the long term.

If this post was a man asking his wife to drop hours I think the uproar would be the same.

As PP said it's quite refreshing that it's a woman asking a man!

A good friend of mine put both her DC into nursery full-time as soon as her maternity ended and they do seem to thrive on it. One is year 1 now and the other will start reception next year. They are bright happy kids.

Also remember your child won't know any difference as this will be their normal.

Sounds like he's done his bit. It's your turn to step up imo if you are against ds going to nursery ft.

Both our DDs were full time in nursery from straight after mat leave until they went to school. They thrived on it, we had great relationships with the nursery staff and they both found the transition to school easier than many of their peers. I would have no qualms at all about full time nursery (assuming it’s a good nursery). ‘Full time school’ however (meaning breakfast club, school, then after school club) we have found really hard - it’s a nice club with lovely friendly and caring staff, but basically I think it’s tough because, especially in reception /Y1, only a handful of kids go, so DD2 particularly felt ‘unusual’. Full time nursery quite the reverse - the kids who were there every day seemed to be a real team.

Anyway ... my point is, you’ve got other childcare challenges ahead! Get a full time place in a great nursery that works for your family and make the most of now. Your children will be happier if you are both content with your choices.

Good luck!

He’s already compromised his career to be there for the all important baby days, you can’t pressure him to do more when you aren’t willing. You could perhaps benefit from meeting more people with small children in Nursery full time, they are definitely out there. As the one running your own company, it seems to me compressed hours would be easier for you, at least for a few months if you want to put off starting full time Nursery a little longer. I definitely would not accept your attitude from my dh, if anything when I went back full time it was his job to do more at home so I didn’t look half committed after having had a break for maternity. That’s balance.

I'd have thought the nanny option would be a better bet for your child. No matter how good a nursery is, it's not home; plus it imposes further pressures in terms of having to keep to their hours, what you do if your child is poorly, etc etc.

4 to 5 days is not much different.
All 3 of my children went to nursery full time - as I had to work full time (if I had the option I would’ve worked part time but I was single mum).
All 3 were absolutely fine, enjoyed and turned into bright young children at school. The 2 eldest can’t even remember much their time at nursery now - though it was happy.
None of my children called the key workers Mum, though they did have their favourite key worker who they preferred to go to.
Your DS will be absolutely fine.

I have to ask - what did you think would be the arrangement for bringing up the child when you got pregnant? Or did you not think that far ahead?

Sorry, YABU. I'm not saying that your DH shouldn't reduce his hours, but I think you need to have an adult conversation with him about whether either of you can reduce hours or accept that your child goes to nursery FT.

And then start thinking longer term - will you be reliant on wraparound care once your child is of school-age? What will happen during the school holidays (there are rather a lot of these). Who can drop their work instantly if your child wakes up poorly one morning?

If your son calls them mum it’s not he prefers them or thinks they are his mum, at a young age, they assume all ladies are called mum.
Yabu very much to expect your dh to give up what you are not prepared to.
You should have had this discussion before pregnancy.

Thanks all for the reassurance.

I guess in DS's mind, there really isn't much difference between 4 vs 5 days and he does enjoy it. I think that was my main concern really, that in some way he might suffer. It's so good to read about your experiences.

There are only a couple of full time babies at his nursery and their parents are teachers so they have them in the holidays. Hence why I'm asking here really.

I hadn't thought about a nanny as only the one DC and we like the social aspect of nursery.

And as I mentioned in a previous reply, I've told my husband that I can't expect him to do what I'm not prepared to do, I realise IABU really. He does say he gets a bit envious of the key workers spending so much time having fun with DS and that he misses it.

Perhaps we sign him up for full time and then pick him up early if we can on the Friday so we get to have some fun time with him. 

“Has anyone got LOs at nursery full time who can reassure me it'll be ok and they don't call their key workers Mum?”

I really don’t think you’ve to worry about your child calling someone else “Mum”-it’s only a slip of the tongue, and your child knows that you are his mum, not a key worker in nursery. I’ve been called “Mum” more times than I can remember by the children I work with daily. It means nothing- I’m their (primary) teacher! 😃

What about a mix of care - part-time/shared nanny plus nursery a few days a week?

If you're the one that doesn't want your DS to go to nursery five days then you're the one who has to make the compromises. There is a solution but not one you are prepared to take. Therefore YABU. Massively.

I’ve had 1 ft in nursery from 4 months, 3 from 6 months (would’ve loved to have them home more but couldn’t afford to lose my wage). All 4 loved it but equally all 4 got sooo excited to be picked up at the end. I worried beforehand they’d see that as Home and be closer to staff than to me. That didn’t happen: they really liked the staff, but they very clearly didn’t come close to mummy!

Am I missing something? I thought the whole reason to put LO in nursery for the full 5 days instead of 4 was so DH could work his full contracted hours without having to work all weekend?
What other solution is there to this other than him working the 5th day to compensate?! I'm very confused. You have the answer to this already.

@BunsOfAnarchy Since going back to work a few months ago, he's been doing an extra hour Mon-Thur and then the extra 3.5 hours across Friday to Sunday from home when he could. Though not ideal as it means he doesn't really get a proper break from work at the weekend and which is why we're talking about FT nursery as it's not sustainable.

Can you start to think of your weeks as 6/7 days instead of 5? It might be a bit of a shift but in the grand scheme of things what's in a name (of a day) if you get the more time with your child? Is there a way for you to work on a Saturday instead of Wednesday for example? You and your DH then get 3 days a week combined with the LO.

Do you plan to have any more DC? If so, a period where your DH went back full time would be useful- paternity leave benefits are usually calculated on salary so being 5 days for a bit is likely to be beneficial.

As PPs have said, being self-employed in theory gives you more flexibility than your DH to drop a day. Appreciate you might not want to, or it is not without its own difficulties, but you can’t put the onus totally on him.

5 days in nursery is not going to be much different for your DC than 4. People are usually having the “day off” to spend it with their DC more for themselves & work-life balance than for the DC (though they might not tell themselves that!) He’s nit going to call anyone else “Mum” because of an extra day - and if the extra day was spent with your DH then it wouldn’t stop that anyway!

Have you considered that in the future e.g. school you’ll need a bit more flexibility? Do plan ahead!