In wanting DH to put career on hold to care for DS rather than go FT at nursery?

[IndieRar]

Bit of background: I run my own company and work full time. DH is employed full time, we have similar income but mine slightly more. DH took 7 months parental leave to care for DS and loved every moment, after I went back to work when he was 12 weeks old. DS is 12 months old now.

Since his return to work, DH had been doing longer days and not working Fridays so DS only in nursery four days a week. But he has to work longer days and over the weekend to make up the contracted hours.

We're considering putting DS in Nursery five days a week as DH can't go on doing compressed hours and thinks his career will suffer if he goes down to four contracted days.

I wouldn't entertain the idea of dropping a day as it's my company and I really enjoy it. But then selfishly I don't want DS to be in Nursery full time either and want DH to drop a day or half a day. He doesn't particularly like his job but he doesn't want to be at a disadvantage for promotion if he's seen as part time (even though 30 hours is still considered full time).

We don't know anyone else whose child is in nursery full time, nor any couples where the dad was/is the main career on parental leave and considering reducing hours. Nor are there any senior people in his company on reduced hours (or many women for that matter).

Although FT nursery is fairly financially crippling, it's not a huge leap in cost from 4 to 5 days so not really a deciding factor. It's a very long day for him though and may mean that he ends up wanting his key worker more than us if he's there more! He really enjoys Nursery and is thriving but is exhausted at the end of his four days. I can't work from home as it's not the kind of thing I can do from home and look after DS at same time.

Do/did any of you have little ones at Nursery full time and would you do it again? Has anyone got any advice for me? Am I being massively selfish in wanting DH to step back in his career to look after DS one day a week? AIBU in wanting DS to only be in four days when I'm not prepared to reduce my own hours? WWYD and why?

Thanks Mumsnet for any wise insight you can offer into my conundrum. Sorry for the really long post!

@IndieRar all 3 of my children have been in full time child care since 12 Months. They’ve never called their key workers or childminder “Mum” but they do have excellent relationships with them. They get to do all the stuff that I don’t have patience for (crafts, endless games etc) and they still adore me. They know I’m their mum.

Don’t worry - it can be done but you have to be comfortable with it.

YANBU. Many, many men want exactly this for their DC and don’t get called selfish.

But YWBU to insist if DH not keen.

Hi OP,
Who would cover if your dc was too ill to go to nursery or if they had to shut for a day?
A nanny would be a good idea and s/he could take your dc to various children's activities so the social side you want is still there.

I haven’t RTFT, only the first few replies and I thibknts pretty clear how this is going to go. If you aren’t prepared to give up a day or reduce your hours you can’t expect your DH to, especially when it is you that doesn’t want your DS in nursery full time ( you don’t say anything about your DH’s feelings on this).

My DS has been in nursery full time from 10 months old. He has thrived there, made him confident, sociable and independent. He’s nearly 3 now. He still much prefers being at home with me and DH even though he loves nursery; the two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Don’t hold your DH back. It will lead to resentment.

If you were a man, then the comments would be completely different. No you are not being selfish and a man would never even consider asking the question if it was the other way round.

My Ex-H refused to even consider reduced hours in a dead-end job despite me earning twice what he did and huge potential to earn more. Therefore DS went to nursery full time and thrived. He never called his key-worker Mum and at the age of 12, couldn't even tell you who any of his key workers were.

I made a huge mistake putting my career on hold for 7 years when my DC were little.

Don't think I'll ever really catch up.

I certainly wouldn't ask my partner to do that, especially if they didn't want to.

The long-term best outlook for your family must surely be both parents in successful, fulfilling careers. A little extra time in child care will not hurt your child, I promise you, as long as he is getting all the love and attention from his parents when you are at home.

If you were a man, then the comments would be completely different.

No they wouldn’t.

No one has the right to insist their partner make sacrifices that they themselves are not prepared to make.

Babies are hardy, babies will thrive in an orphanage with basic care.
I would hope for a bit more for my dc.
I couldn't care less about how much you love your business or how dh career may suffer.
You have both brought this tiny person into this world and seem to have no qualms about putting him in full time care because you both value something else's higher than him. Maybe it's time to start putting yourself in babies shoes and think about what he would ideally want.

Neither wants to make the sacrifice so it falls on a baby's shoulders and he is 12 months old.
Welcome to the world kid.

If the OP was a man he'd be getting his arse handed to him for expecting his partner to limit her career against her wishes.

Exactly what's going on now.

New

The OP’s DH did make the sacrifice for 7 months... and yes, whilst the OP and her DH both reducing their hours a little would probably be somewhat preferable? This really isn’t that tragic.
The idea that children need to be with a parent 24/7 is actually a rather new one if we have a look at recent human history, isn’t it?

newyearnewyew As the parent of 2 teenagers, I'm pretty confident that the 'tiny person' if he was able to consider the options rationally would want his parents to make a decision based on what benefits the whole family unit over his lifetime.

I'm another one recommending you both do a 9 day fortnight - means you each get a 1 on 1 day with your DC AND compressing 10 days over 9 is not nearly as big a stretch as 5 over 4..... Or even you could both "part-time" i.e. doing 90% for next few years...

To me its best possible part time as not seen as part time and you're there almost all the time - yet you have a Home day... which you'll both really treasure...

Good luck with whatever decision you make

My DD was in full time nursery 5 days a week from 12 weeks. She is not damaged (now a teen). Don't worry about it.
And kudos for NOT sacrificing your company to your child. You can do both.

5 days a week in nursery will mean your 12 month old will be spending about 70% of his waking hours with someone else as his primary carer. Only you and your DH can answer whether you're happy with that.

The benefit of your own business is flexibility and that you can catch up evenings/ weekends. For instance, could you take Fridays off and then work part Saturdays / Sundays instead while DH has DS?

YANBU

I've read a number of threads on here about SAHMs who would love to get back into a bit of PT work, but their OH's are self-employed and so 'can't' reduce their hours. It just seems to be accepted that Dad's supporting the family financially, and can't be expected to sacrifice his business.

So you're not unreasonable to want your OH to reduce his hours, esp since he's been the main carer. He's right that it will affect his career... but that's the hit that millions of women take when they have a baby, and everyone just shrugs because it's 'best for the child'.

However, he is also NBU to want to stay full time. This really needs to be negotiated between the two of you according to what would fit your family best.

Isn't it sad how men take for granted that women will give up their earning power and prestige when they have children, but when the shoe's on the other foot aren't willing to do it themselves? (Not your OH specifically, OP.)

Newyearnewyear... how bitter you must feel when you see children and adults who were in childcare who are perfectly happy, well adjusted and successful. You clearly need to convince yourself that other people’s children must be suffering in some way, to justify your own viewpoint.

Sounds like the OP and her husband have a great life- she runs her own business, he has a career in which he wants to progress, and they have a happy child too. Typical that someone has to pop up on here pissing on the parade

So you're not unreasonable to want your OH to reduce his hours, esp since he's been the main carer.

Could argue that as he has been the main carer in the past that is a good reason why he's not the one to reduce his hours now.

Lannie I agree. When it's the woman in the position of having to go part time it's all about what works for them as a family, and screw her career. When it's the other way round it's all about his career and what he wants to do.

I agree with @Candyfloss1122 .

Why does your career come first?

For whatever reason the man's usually does

Whoareyou - I don't disagree. But it never seems to work that way with women going back to work after mat leave :(

When it's the woman in the position of having to go part time it's all about what works for them as a family, and screw her career.

And what she wants to do. If a woman posted that her DP refused to drop his hours and expected her to do so against her wishes because he did not want their child in nursery full time, the replies would be the same as they are here.

Agree with others that you can solve your problem by both doing a 9 day fortnight. Then neither of you should suffer at work and your DC can continue with 4 days a week at nursery.
I have several friends who have put their children into nursery 5 days a week from age 1 and they all seem to be absolutely fine. I know a lot of couples who both work full time, but have the luxury of grandparents looking after their DC 1 or 2 days a week. If not for grandparents, a lot more children would be in nursery 5 days a week.
Another option could be nursery 3 days a week and a nanny 1or 2 days a week. Then DC would spend time at home. Not saying this is better than 4 or 5 days in nursery, but it would be my preference. However, it would be more expensive.

So a number of options - Definitely no need to compromise your or DPs work if you don't want to.