AIBU to refuse to use my free delivery to buy dd (17) a top that I hate?

[pauldacresmellsoffarts]

DD would pay me back, but I hate it. It's cut basically down to the navel. I'm not going to stop her buying it or wearing it, she's 17, if she wants to she can. But I have annual free delivery from the online shop she wants to order it from, and if I don't order and she wants it, she'll have to pay nearly as much as the top costs just for delivery.

So AIBU not to order it for her? I don't really want wear her going out on New Year wearing something that looks like it's a bit risque for Kim Kardashian. Sure, if she wants to wear it she can.

But I don't see why I have to faciliate it!

Well, ordered now!

Can assure you that if it's even horrider than it looks in the picture, shall be blaming you lot!

dd happy, me bit uncomfortable (though not half as uncomfortale as dd will be in that thong).

Insomnibrat, I strongly believe we can’t have it both ways. We either buy into a spurious connection between clothing choice and personal safety - worrying more or less about our young daughters depending vaguely on their outfits, as you say - or we reject it utterly, making it clear we would never even consider it as a factor in attributing blame.

Just because you want the two scenarios you describe to be separate doesn’t make that true. They are related, even if they’re two extremes. And nobody has to actually say anything even half as extreme as “well, you deserved it” to cause hurt or self-lacerating guilt.

I know someone who has never gotten past her mum asking, after her assault, what she was wearing. It felt so loaded and has really undermined her ability to trust her mum with her emotions and confide in her, even though it was “just” a thoughtless question. I don’t think her mum was consciously victim-blaming at all, any more than the op is here. But you don’t really get to decide how your words affect someone.

Draylon if a man wants to rape, he will rape. It makes little difference what the woman is wearing. India has a huge rape problem and (by and large) they dress much more conservatively than we do.

I've educated my sons, thanks very much draylon, you can speak for your own kids but dont speak for mine.

KenForPM, off topic, but which Ken? Barbie and, Clarke, Livingstone...?

(Sorry, just curious.)

It was from the House of Fraser shit advent calendar thread, where Ken was the OP’s cat.

Oh my god, @KenForPM, I’m glad you’re here. I missed a lot while I was typing that last post.

Jeeeeeeez

When I clicked through your link it had a big flashing “free delivery” thing pop up so it may be a moot point...

It's ugly. That alone would be reason for me not to like it and say "neah"

You sound confused, or are trying to redeem yourself after your initial post!

You say you really don't want her going out wearing something so risqué in post No. 1 but by post No. 3 you say it's not that you mind her wearing it!! I didn't read any further because if you change your mind so quickly (OR decide to sway the perception you want us to have of you) you are definitely being unreasonable!

Just let her order it on your account, she's paying you for the top, I'd she ends up going shopping to buy something you could end up wishing you'd helped with her intial choice!

what a load of bollocks draylon

everyone wants to look great and be fancied at 17, thats what its all about, or have you forgotten?

I ordered it a few posts back.

Maybe I'm not the confused one?

Ken, thanks for clearing up the name...

To be fair to Draylon, I was the one who introduced the safety thing and yes, I can't help feeling uncomfortable with the whole need to show off your body thing. It just sits ill with me. At that age, I wore stuff because it looked good and this being the early 80s, looked slightly rebellious and scary. I was much more influenced by punk. I wanted to shock my elders much more than I wanted to look hot. I don't find the idea that you need actual nudity to look attractive comfortable. I don't fancy men because they go out in midwinter wearing barely any clothes. It seems to be making yourself deliberately vulnerable in a literal sense: cold, uncomfortable etc. Bit like Chinese foot binding. Hence why I don't find stilletos very feminist.

Just thinking aloud.

Bought the horrid top now anyway!

@draylon i agree with you.

And anybody who thinks that women going out in very revealing clothes doesnt make them more vulnerable is seriously deluded.

There is victim blaming and there is reality and common sense.

draylon, um - at 51 I know its possible to look great without being semi naked (thanks for the advice anyway), at 17 when I was young and gorgeous it didn't matter, if I could carry it off I did, and thank christ I did as now I would rather die than wear half the stuff I wore then..even if I could get in on...

I'm not confused. I said I didn't read any further than your 3rd post and therefore didn't know you had bought it. I posted to say I thought you were being unreasonable. I still think you sounded confused, you wouldn't want her to wear it but then said you didn't mind.

"what a load of bollocks draylon"

AbsoBLOODYlutely!

And IF your sons are educated properly in consent girls being even fully naked and drunk around them would be perfectly safe.

Those tops are designed to objectify women. It is sad that we accept or even facilitate our daughters to wear objectifying items, sending strong messages to young vulnerable girls about self worth.