No presents for DD?

[ilovemilton]

DD has been no contact with abusive DF since the summer, “breaking” the court order, but with his permission.

DF texts her in Nov, asking her what she would like for Christmas. She gives him a list. It’s the first time he has attempted to make any contact with her since it broke down. They have never had a good relationship.

DS attends contact on Christmas Day, she asks for her presents to be sent back with him. DF replied “nope, you chose to break the order, you get your presents when you attend.”

Tonight he brought DS home, with a bag of presents “from the family, not the ones from me.”

He knew all along that she won’t be attending again, they have no relationship at all.

AIBU to either expect him to send the presents, or not to have ever even asked what she wanted? Is he playing a cruel game or should DD just accept the consequences of not seeing him?

Gillybeanz I’ve posted on here before about the craziness of the court system. He convinced them that I made all the DV up to stop contact. The more I tried to prove what was happening, the more contact was increased, to the point switching residence was threatened if I didn’t stop making allegations.

I can well imagine it ilove, my friend is going through the same thing with court. How old is ds?

DS is 8. He’s shifted in his thoughts very rapidly in the last few months. He was only 3 when we left so he didn’t have the same memories as DD, so unfortunately, he’s had to learn for himself.

Oh right, he's still little, so courts are going to mKe him see his dad, whereas your dd is old enough to choose.

If your dd doesn't want to see him then she should have stuck to that and not gone because she thought there would be presents.
He's just used the promise of gifts to lure her there. Seems she's learned her lesson at least and it won't work next year.

She didn’t go. She made it very clear all along that she wouldn’t be going.

My friend had tge same experience as you, and a useless judge who threatened reverse residency if she did not comply with contact. Her ds is 9, and father was sexually abusive to him, Police were involved, but case dropped due to lack of evidence. Now it's turned to emotional abuse, and she's scared of stopping contact in case he gets removed from her.

It’s ridiculous isn’t it? The judge once said at the end of a hearing “and if Mrs x could manage to not call the police again before the next hearing, that would be helpful.” The case lasted four years.

Ah so she didn't. My misreading sorry. Well at least she'll know better than to ask for gifts next year. If he asks her she can just tell him she won't give him the satisfaction of withholding them.

Ooo you’ve hit the nail on the head there...it’s more than him being a spiteful dick, it’s about him getting the power back that he’s lost in the last few months!

Some children get dealt such a shit hand in life.

They need their heads bashing together don't they'. Yes it's all about Control, tgey don't necessarily want contact. They are unable to control you anymore, so use the kids instead.

And now he hasn’t been able to control DD for a few months, he’s tried another tactic.

My favourite line from her this week, when he was trying to force her to attend on Christmas Day...

Exh “but it’s Christmas...”
DD “exactly. The last day I would want to waste on you.”

Ach, that’s grim! What is wrong with some adults?
Hope you are managing too milton as it must be bringing back some hard memories for you and then the frustration for your daughter.
and

I’m ok. I generally hate the holiday contact, and it’s so much harder when he’s on my doorstep being a twat instead of doing school collections.

Glad she's caught onto him, and is telling him where to go.

I’m also pissed off that he’s still threatening court and telling the world that I make DC not like him, whilst behaving like this.

Aeroflot she was never fooled by him, she just had to play the game as she was told (not by me) very early on of the consequences of not attending.

Well court won't do anything, she's old enough to make her own decision. He can threaten al, he likes. Your dd is old enough to see for herself, so that won't wash.

Cafcass say she was brainwashed against her DF from such a young age that she will never be competent to make that decision and she is to attend until she is 18.

Well this has escalated into a drip feed, life story! Sorry!!

Omg tgey said tgat, they are a law unto themselveslves who are a complete and utter joke. That in itself is very troubling statements, yet again unwilling to act in the best interests of the child, and to see your dd as capable of making her own mind up. Don't force her to go, she is quite capable of making up her mind. Whatever happened to the children being the centre if court proceedings. Seriously, they cannot make a teenager go. What tgey expect you to drag a -5/16 to contact, stuff them, they haven't a bloody clue!

What an dick.

I am glad your away from him. It must be horrible to have to stick to the court order for his visits.

I'm sorry your DD has been let down by him. It's great you are understanding and there for her.

Since she started high school I’ve stayed out of it. He was a twat to her over the summer then he started to text her saying she only had to come if she wanted to. She told him she didn’t.

Whilst saying this to her, on the same day I had a letter threatening court action if she didn’t attend immediately, so I explained to her that he was doing it again and he would make her go and live with him if she didn’t go, so she went the next night according to the order and he didn’t collect her. When she wanted to know wtf he was playing at, he said he only wants her to go if she wants to. But still his solicitor is telling mine that he fully intends to return the matter to court in the new year.

It was absolutely horrendous at first when I had to stick to the court order and the DC didn’t understand why. They were hostile and violent to me, depressed and suicidal, as well as still being hurt.

Now they know that “they” make me make them, it’s relatively easier.