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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think these gifts might be stolen?

184 replies

poopsqueak · 28/12/2017 11:21

(background) BIL has a new(1 yr) gf, she is a bit odd. She is about 34 and a carer. In the past he has gifted carefully thought out presents to ourselves and our daughter.

The first time that we met her, some things went missing from our house. It was new makeup that I had placed on a side table next to the sofa. I saw it there, then she sat down near it and an hour later it was gone. We looked all over the lounge for it all together, couldn't find it. I wasn't too bothered as not expensive but found it very strange and got a bit of a weird vibe. She also took two Kitkats from the biscuits offered around and put them in her bag without asking. She wasn't sneaky about that though just said 'oh I'll have these later' which is weird (IMO) but not a crime.

She told him that she would 'sort christmas this year'

DD is 5 and opened her presents yesterday. BIL and GF live a far away so the presents were not given in person but via a relative.

DD was thrilled to open a pair of Babyliss hair straighteners. now there are a few issues with this; A) totally inappropriate (dangerous) B) daughter has tight/afro hair so cant use them even if we let her C) box was very old and dusty and the packaging was like branding from the early noughties. It was unopened but had damp mould on it. We have had to tell DD she cant use them (for safety reasons) and she is upset. She was also given a bottle of Opium (perfume). Again, inappropriate for a 5yr old, and it was an old design bottle that was pretty beaten up. So far so puzzled.

DH opened his gifts and it was a Dove gift set that had been opened and an item removed (2 out of three were there) and a new bottle of BullDog facewash. Again puzzled about the incomplete gift set.

I opened my gift and was really shocked to find a pack of chestnut brown hair dye (I have blonde hair), some playboy perfume which had been opened and used and a DVD of the new Beauty and the beast, but without the plastic on the packaging or the leaflet inside.

I didnt really know what to say at that point to the relatives that delivered the gifts so just kind of looked confused and put them aside.

I got a strong vibe that they were someone elses stuff? they had been opened and used in some cases, and were such a random selection of things.

We arent planning on saying anything to them really, except maybe about the straighteners and the safety issue but I am really worried that she has taken these things from her clients. She looks after adults with learning disabilities and it would be a violation of their trust. I have no proof though so wonder if its best to just say nothing at all?

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/12/2017 11:24

Those gifts are totally bonkers! I wouldn't assume she'd stolen them, but would have thought they were grabbed in a hurry from a charity shop.

PoisonousSmurf · 28/12/2017 11:26

God! She sounds awful! But maybe these are from a charity shop? Carers get rubbish pay as it is.

Alibobbob · 28/12/2017 11:26

It’s a difficult and odd scenario I think I would leave it (and bin the items) it could be that she bought them from a charity shop.

But hen again if she stole from you I wouldn’t want her in my house again tbh. The truth will out and maybe by next year their relationship will be over, if not you will have to watch her like a hawk.

Meowstro · 28/12/2017 11:27

Sounds like they were old unwanted gifts that were cluttering up her home and she forgot to check them before sending them off with your relative.

ItsChristmoose · 28/12/2017 11:28

I'd ask my DBil (via DH) if he knew what the gifts were and then tell him if he didn't. And leave it at that for now. I might make a joke about 'maybe you should choose the gifts again next year' but I couldn't imagine not being close enough to my sibling or DH's sibling to say that. Some families might not be.

FelixBrown · 28/12/2017 11:31

Charity shops check things over, so are very unlikely to sell mouldy items - and many refuse electricals anyway.

RavingRoo · 28/12/2017 11:34

If you suspect she’s a thief then why have her in the houss? Not worth it? Just arrange your get togethers outside

Sashkin · 28/12/2017 11:34

What a weird selection of gifts! GrinGrin

I would just chuck them (and yes, get DH to suggest BIL goes back to buying them next year).

BertieBotts · 28/12/2017 11:35

Car boot rather than charity shop I reckon, and the DVD probably was nicked originally or a good pirate, as they turn up at car boots cheap as well.

They sound like the kinds of presents we used to get from in laws for about the first 5 years of being together (strangely the last couple of years have been really nice things!) But still this year, we got some bath spa lights in a battered box which when opened had a greasy sheen on them, like old soap...and skin cells from someone's bath Confused

But I do see your point that they might have been taken from a client. How very odd.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 28/12/2017 11:37

A hair straighter and opium for a child? You have to call them out on that, that's utter shit and then you get the beauty & the beast DVD, so not only a thief but a thick one to boot. They must really hate ye.

I would have no problem texting photos of them to your BIL "we are utterly disgusted and insulted at your gifts. Let's agree never to exchange gifts in the future, including birthdays. How dare you"

Original poster
poopsqueak · 28/12/2017 11:41

I havent had her in the house since the first time she came. Not on purpose, but they live far away.

I thought maybe charity shops but do they even sell toiletries? We even thought B+m/poundland but can't match up any of the brands. The hair dye was even more weird as it was an expensive brand. But neither I nor her have brown hair (I never have had).

I am less concerned about her pay - DD would be happy with a card and some stickers so she didn't need to spend any money etc. It was more the disregard of who she was buying for/safety/used items.

I only have come across a load of stuff like this when my Gran died and we cleared her house out.

DH is going to (casually) as his parents what they got (seeing them today) to gauge whether they got weird stuff too.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 28/12/2017 11:44

I would have no problem texting photos of them to your BIL "we are utterly disgusted and insulted at your gifts.

^This. They have shown a complete disregard. I would be very insulted if I was you

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/12/2017 11:48

That is really strange.

Id assume car boot/garage sale or old unwanted gifts.

No I have no issue with 're gifts or second hand stuff BUT it needs to be in full working order, clean, and with all parts.

And tbh id far rather see someone and enjoy their company and have them turn up empty handed than people show up witg old battered mouldy unusable stuff. It's upsetting for kids. Mine would understand someone being unable to brings stuff and they wouldn't care.

Kids would he upset though at unusable broken or dangerous gifts.

It's just thoughtless and very very strange in your case.

Please report back!!

Alibobbob · 28/12/2017 11:51

T would have made more sense to give your daughter the dvd and you the hair straighteners and perfume. Very odd

Goldenhandshake · 28/12/2017 11:54

Opium and hair straighteners for a 5 year old? I would have to call your BIL and ask if he is taking the piss or has a new meth habit.

Original poster
poopsqueak · 28/12/2017 11:54

Well i know the straighteners were for DD as there was teddy wrapping paper, otherwise I would have thought maybe we had opened each others presents.

Its all very very strange. I suspect BIl had no idea what was sent as last year he bought us a wine selection and some Heelys for DD which went down very well (and were not dangerous)

OP posts:
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 28/12/2017 11:55

I would assume they were her own items, scavenged from around her house!

k2p2k2tog · 28/12/2017 11:55

We'd sell toiletries in the charity shop I volunteer in - but not imcomplete sets or things which have been opened. And definitely not mouldy boxes. Previous poster is right too about electricals - we don't take them as by law all electricals have to be PAT tested when sold in a shop, which we can't do.

Agree it sounds like a very random choice of gifts and more car boot than stolen.

Rainbowmother · 28/12/2017 11:57

I'm with you OP. Listen to your gut instinct .I would assume she's lifted these which is why they are so weird and used.

KarmaStar · 28/12/2017 11:59

Charity shops don't sell toiletries do they?

ForagingForFaerieGold · 28/12/2017 12:09

Hmmm. If BIL usually buys why did she suddenly decide to take over if not to save money for him (presumably to be spent on herself instead)?
Car boot is possible but even so, most car booters I've encountered don't sell on such rubbish. I think your first instinct might well be right. She's taken stuff she doesn't think will be missed. Hence the crap.

Or she's trying to tell you something.

Either way, yes say something. This is bad however she sourced it.

GinIsIn · 28/12/2017 12:15

I would check if your brother gave her the money to sort these gifts as it clearly wasn’t spent on your presents!

Confusedbeetle · 28/12/2017 12:16

Completely crackers. Bin all the presents and suggest no presents next year, or gift vouchers. It is possible she has a mental health issue

extinctspecies · 28/12/2017 12:20

Er, no. You can't ever tell someone you are insulted and disgusted by their gifts.

Because it really is the thought that counts. Even if you don't like the presents, it's possible she thought they were suitable and were all she could afford.

I'd guess she either bought the stuff at a car boot or 'regifted' stuff she already had at home.

Not reasonable to conclude that she stole them. If she was going to steal surely she would have nicked better stuff to give you?!

nakedscientist · 28/12/2017 12:21

Very weird. Could she be a hoarder? Sounds like there may be MH issues here. You or DH really need to tell BiL.