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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think these gifts might be stolen?

184 replies

poopsqueak · 28/12/2017 11:21

(background) BIL has a new(1 yr) gf, she is a bit odd. She is about 34 and a carer. In the past he has gifted carefully thought out presents to ourselves and our daughter.

The first time that we met her, some things went missing from our house. It was new makeup that I had placed on a side table next to the sofa. I saw it there, then she sat down near it and an hour later it was gone. We looked all over the lounge for it all together, couldn't find it. I wasn't too bothered as not expensive but found it very strange and got a bit of a weird vibe. She also took two Kitkats from the biscuits offered around and put them in her bag without asking. She wasn't sneaky about that though just said 'oh I'll have these later' which is weird (IMO) but not a crime.

She told him that she would 'sort christmas this year'

DD is 5 and opened her presents yesterday. BIL and GF live a far away so the presents were not given in person but via a relative.

DD was thrilled to open a pair of Babyliss hair straighteners. now there are a few issues with this; A) totally inappropriate (dangerous) B) daughter has tight/afro hair so cant use them even if we let her C) box was very old and dusty and the packaging was like branding from the early noughties. It was unopened but had damp mould on it. We have had to tell DD she cant use them (for safety reasons) and she is upset. She was also given a bottle of Opium (perfume). Again, inappropriate for a 5yr old, and it was an old design bottle that was pretty beaten up. So far so puzzled.

DH opened his gifts and it was a Dove gift set that had been opened and an item removed (2 out of three were there) and a new bottle of BullDog facewash. Again puzzled about the incomplete gift set.

I opened my gift and was really shocked to find a pack of chestnut brown hair dye (I have blonde hair), some playboy perfume which had been opened and used and a DVD of the new Beauty and the beast, but without the plastic on the packaging or the leaflet inside.

I didnt really know what to say at that point to the relatives that delivered the gifts so just kind of looked confused and put them aside.

I got a strong vibe that they were someone elses stuff? they had been opened and used in some cases, and were such a random selection of things.

We arent planning on saying anything to them really, except maybe about the straighteners and the safety issue but I am really worried that she has taken these things from her clients. She looks after adults with learning disabilities and it would be a violation of their trust. I have no proof though so wonder if its best to just say nothing at all?

OP posts:
Curious2468 · 28/12/2017 13:37

I don't buy the idea she chose bits at a carboot. Carboots are full of kids stuff, often still with tags or in packaging. What would make her think hair straighteners were appropriate?? I would def mention something to bil because it is so random I think it would be odd to pretend it didn't happen. I like the previous post about asking whether the gifts were swapped and an older family member is confused by a fingerling. How very strange though, hope you get to the bottom of it

GertrudeCB · 28/12/2017 13:40

Does she work in a care home of going into people's homes ( domiciliary ) ?
Sounds like she's been helping herself to clients belongings to pass of as Xmas pressies Shock

MiddleClassProblem · 28/12/2017 13:42

Bizarre! Even if they are stolen, you’d think she’s get something more appropriate. Not that I’m condoning theft! Just her thought process of the gifts being suitable is almost even weirder.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2017 13:43

It's a bit of a leap to assume that these are stolen from clients, poop, what makes you think that? Because you think she took your makeup and you saw her take the kitkats? I think that's coloured your view perhaps?

Sounds like car boot stuff or what she has found from rummaging at home because she didn't want to turn up empty-handed.

Shinesweetfreedom · 28/12/2017 13:55

I really would not like someone like that in my house.
Word with brother needed.
I would be concerned about theft from some little old dears house while she is doing her job.

champagneplanet · 28/12/2017 13:57

I agree with MrsWombat wherever she's got the gifts from she'll have definitely taken money from him for them! Very strange

harrietsoton · 28/12/2017 13:58

Not sure about stolen but it sounds like she gave you some old tat lying about the house, and didn’t even check if it was unused/intact

Original poster
poopsqueak · 28/12/2017 13:59

Extinct, I dont think she has went to Boots/John Lewis and stolen, I have a feeling she might have taken them from her clients (she works with vulnerable adults/with learning difficulties) who might not notice the odd thing going missing.

Regifting is an idea but its a fair point that we need to ask BIL if he has given her money to spend. He himself is on the spectrum and has been taken for a ride in the past by an ex (he ended up paying her mortgage, bills etc).

I feel shocking for thinking this but it just doesnt make sense to us?

OP posts:
IrkThePurist · 28/12/2017 14:02

The whole charity shop/car boot scenario doesnt match up with anything in the OP. I know people like to think the best of people, but it sounds like she could be stealing from vulnerable clients. Most of them sound like things you'd find in someones bedroom or bathroom.

I think OP need to give her BIL a heads up about the whole mess.

nutnerk · 28/12/2017 14:02

You have to just ask the question OP - don't mention anything about the stealing but you just need to know if he knows what they are and where she got them from

IrkThePurist · 28/12/2017 14:03

Cross post with OP.
If your BIL is on the spectrum, you need to do something to protect him.

LaughingLlama · 28/12/2017 14:04

Tbh my first thought would be rebutting over theft although I can see why you are considering theft.
I suppose all you can do at this stage is see what others received and what bil thinks.

LaughingLlama · 28/12/2017 14:04

*regifting not rebutting!

SleepFreeZone · 28/12/2017 14:07

It does sound like she's just taking random stuff from people doesn't it 😬

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 28/12/2017 14:07

Although it's very strange how the makeup went missing from your house, it's a bit of a stretch to automatically assume she's stealing from her clients. Not impossible obviously, but you do need to be careful about sharing that in real life.

However, that said, a fair point that we need to ask BIL if he has given her money to spend. He himself is on the spectrum and has been taken for a ride in the past by an ex (he ended up paying her mortgage, bills etc) is, I think, highly relevant and I would definitely check with your DPs and raise it with your DB as well.

I know a previous poster said 'it's the thought that counts' but perish whatever that thought was Confused He needs to know that what you received was either used and incomplete or wildly inappropriate.

Original poster
poopsqueak · 28/12/2017 14:09

I've posed the 'asked for some money for presents and pocketed it' scenario to DH and asked him to speak to his brother.

Yes he's got aspergers, lived at home until 30's then moved in with a woman who cleaned him out. Lived by himself for a while then got this new GF who is the person in question.

She has said in the past she doesn't like/want kids (fair enough) so possible she didn't know what a child would like. Unlikely though. Maybe thought she was doing DD a favour buying straighteners with her very curly hair.... I dont know, its a stretch.

Also a stretch to think shes nicking from clients, but as i say, just a vibe.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 28/12/2017 14:12

I don’t think she stole them as then they would be without the packaging. People take stuff out of the packaging when they have them at home.

I think it would be a good idea to discuss this with your BiL, but no need to mention stealing - I don’t think you have enough evidence to reach that conclusion.

Maelstrop · 28/12/2017 14:12

Weird stuff to give a child. Opium is about £50 for a small bottle, I got some for Christmas (and was surprised at the new design of the bottle, haven’t had it for years!)

I’d be very suspicious as to where these items have come from.

Original poster
poopsqueak · 28/12/2017 14:15

the opium was in the old clear bottle (my Mum used to have some so i remember it). I dont think it looks like that anymore?

OP posts:
RunningOutOfCharge · 28/12/2017 14:17

Well let's see what the parents got. Maybe just as random

MrMeSeeks · 28/12/2017 14:20

Charity shops would check the toiletries, so if incomplete wouldn't sell the set, or if they were mouldy.
All electrical items would have to be pat tested.
Think more likely from her home or boot sales.

Weezol · 28/12/2017 14:21

Distinctly odd. I don't have kids and I know that these gifts are totally inappropriate so I would discount that as a reason.
Is it possible his girlfriend may also have SEN?

MinorRSole · 28/12/2017 14:22

Haven't seen opium in years, my mum wore it so it smells of my childhood Smile

Anyway, op I would trust your gut. You've spent time with her and have an impression of what she's like. I'm going to assume you are pretty normal and not overly judgemental, based on how you have come across, so I would say you've probably got a good handle on who this woman is.

Don't think you necessarily need to upset the Apple cart over the extremely odd gifts but keep an eye on dbro, I've a feeling this could end up badly for him

EarlGreyT · 28/12/2017 14:23

Sorry, I think she’s stealing them. I also agree that horrible as it sounds, she is likely stealing from vulnerable clients. If she is bold enough to basically steal your make up from almost under your nose, I think she would steal random things from others and it’s naive to assume there’s a more pleasant explanation.

When my cleaner was stealing things from us, I tried to rationalise it and find other excuses, but often the correct explanation is the obvious one.

MissTeri · 28/12/2017 14:25

If I genuinely believed someone was stealing from vulnerable clients then I would telephone the company she works for and ask if they've had any items go missing lately. Not sure if they'd tell you anything and I wouldn't give names (unless they said 'actually, funny you mention, some hair straighteners and Opium went missing last week). I couldn't not say anything though, I'd be distraught if a relative had someone steal from them by someone who is meant to be caring for them. I also know someone who has done this in real life, used to steal money from clients homes - it's just one of those 'lowest of the low' kind of things.